View Full Version : Quotes and Stuff

06-27-2003, 09:46 PM
(Totally stolen from LucasFans, and given a crappier name)

Sam: I don't have anyone to call.
Max: Call me, call me!
Sam: You'd have to get cellular.
Max: I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!
Sam: That was bad, Max. Really bad.
Max: Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!
--Sam & Max Hit the Road

"What a relief. I was getting concerned that our transportation wasn't ostentatious enough"
--Manny, Grim Fandango

"This deck of cards is a little frayed around the edges - but then again, so am I, and I've got fewer suits..."
--Manny, Grim Fandango

"What am I supposed to do with all my good ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Because that's what soap is for, Lois"
--Peter, Family Guy

Ben: What’s your favourite Beatles album, then?
Alan: Tough one. I think I’d have to say ‘The Best of the Beatles’.
--I'm Alan Partidge

"‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!"."
--Alan Partridge

06-27-2003, 09:51 PM
"Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of Biology"
-Family Guy

06-28-2003, 02:01 PM
IRS woman: "You smell nice."
Peter Griffin: "Wha? Oh, that... that must be you."
IRS woman: "No, it couldn't be me. I just farted."
- Family Guy

06-28-2003, 04:30 PM
Alice: Okay, now i've got a joke for you
Geri: ooh, go on then
Alice: Knock Knock.
Geri: Who's there?
Alice: Ronnie
Geri: Ronnie who?
Alice: Ronnie Corbet. (Laughs histerically)
Geri: Yeah, that's not funny
Alice: well it would be pretty funy if Ronnie corbet knocked on your door, wouldn't it.
Geri: No really
Alice: okay, i've got another, knock knock.
Geri: Who the hell is it?
Alice: Billy
Geri: Billy Connoly by any chance?
Alice: How did you know?
The Vicar of Dibly

06-28-2003, 10:16 PM
Raoul Duke: "Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full with what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?!?"
--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Raoul Duke: "Ok, lets get down to brass tacks here - how much for the ape?"
--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Raoul Duke: "What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now at this time?"
--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Basically, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is about one hell of a trip. Its funny as hell and I can't recommend it enough.

From The Big Blue...
This scene takes place in a diving bell. Jacques and Enzo are old friends, world class divers who have a new job for an oil company. This is their first trip down in the bell, with another diver (not a central character in the movie) called Noireuter.

*Enzo gets out a cigarette*

Noireuter: "Smoking is absolutely forbidden."

Enzo: "It isn't lit yet."

Noireuter: "You shouldn't even carry cigarettes on board!"

Enzo: "Listen we're not supposed to piss either but that doesn't stop you from carrying "it" on board."

Noireuter: "The rules are the rules."

Enzo: "... What's your name again?"

Noireuter: "Noireuter."

Enzo: "And where did you say you were from?"

Noireuter: "I didn't say... Brussels."

*Enzo smiles and slowly shakes his head - a Belgian*

*gas comes on and the diving bell stops moving*

Noireuter (high pitched): "You have enough air for 15 minutes."

*Enzo explodes laughing*

Enzo (high pitched): "What's with the voice?"

Noireuter: "It's nothing. It's just the helium, because of the air pressure."

Enzo: "And... does the voice come back?"

Noireuter: "For others, yes... For you, who knows?"

*Jacques smiles*

Enzo (to Jacques): "Try speaking to me."

Jacques (high pitched): "I don't find this funny. We were having a serious conversation."

*Jacques laughs at the sound of his own voice, and Enzo joins him*

*Enzo takes a hip flask out*

Enzo (to Jacques): "Here, give me your finger."

*Enzo pours a drop of the liquid onto Jacques' finger, then his own, and sucks it*

Noireuter (shocked): "Is that alcohol? Are you out of your mind? Thats really forbidden!"

Enzo: "Hey! D'you have any other complaints? Just make a list and we'll stick it on the porthole, okay?!"

*In defiance, Enzo pours another drop onto his finger*

Enzo (to Jacques): "Go on, suck your finger."

*Enzo sucks his finger again, but Jacques isn't sure*

Noireuter: "Are you crazy?? At this pressure.. its dangerous!"

Jacques: "It's very deep down here."

Enzo: "Come on, suck your finger, you'll be seeing mermaids everywhere!"

*Jacques sucks his finger. Encouraged, Enzo takes a healthy swig from the flask - the alcohol affects them both immediately*

Enzo: "A thousand commanders and we get the Belgian from Alcoholic's Anonymous!"
--The Big Blue

Simply, The Big Blue is my favourite movie ever. Its notoriously difficult to explain, you just have to see it. You'll either love it or hate it.

06-29-2003, 08:50 AM
"This is the house of god. So where's the landlord? It's infested with rot; I doubt if he's paid a visit in twenty years. These people - look at them! They're nothing more than tenants in a dead man's shack. That idiot pukes it out, and they goober it up like sick puppies. Just a second father - when did you last check your facts? My point entirely. We've had this book analysed - it reads like the ramblings of a a drugged horse. The question tonight - is god confused like his prating truth pimps, or is he dead?"
--Chris Morris, Brass Eye

"And the time, for those who like to tell it in a slightly wacky way, is fifty to six. Or, if you’d like to develop the idea, seventy past four."
--Alan Partridge, Radio Norwich

"Yeah. I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives – in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying “yes, there’s more to Ireland than this”. A good slogan for the tourist board – “Dere’s more to Oireland dan dis.”"
--Alan Partridge

"And we live together. We’re not gay. I’ve nothing against them, it’s just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve. He didn’t create Adam and Steve. I’m kind of a homosceptic."
--Alan Partridge

"There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless they’re not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones."
--David Brent, The Office

"Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.’ Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits."
--David Brent, The Office

06-29-2003, 05:03 PM
Somebody had to include Python

Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make
a mistake.

Like what?

GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

Do we have any bows?


We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

The what?

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred
relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

Yes. Of course.

Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused with the holy glow.

ARTHUR takes it. Pause

How does it ... er ...

I know not.

Consult the Book of Armaments.

Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

(reading from bible)
And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
Skip a bit brother ...

... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.


He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

One, two, five ...

Three, sir!


ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and cheering
from the KNIGHTS.
Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail

06-30-2003, 09:11 AM
"Yes, I've had office romances, loads. Not here, at another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like ****ting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here but I go, "No way, distracting." And that's actually one of te major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, you know, a gay man's not going to put me off, I can handle myself. But if we were in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy or is he going to be looking at me, going, "Ooh," y'know, " he looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, alright? Come round, look at my CD collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers."
-- Gareth Keenan; The Office

C Shutt
07-04-2003, 05:55 AM
"Fight, Megaman! For everlasting peace!"

- Megaman.

07-04-2003, 09:11 AM
You forgot the classic Shutt

" I like shorts, they're comfy and easy to wear"


Ray Jones
07-04-2003, 09:55 AM
Dont call me junior!

They are trying to kill us!
I know father!
It's a new experience for me.
It happens to me all the time.

Dr. Jones?

Small world Dr. Jones.
Too small for us.
And again i have to get back what is mine. (not sure anymore)
This belongs to a museum.
So you do.

Oh. What have i done? Ming dynasty ..
Oh, nothing happend..
Thank God.. it's a fake..

Snakes, why must it be snakes.
Vipers.. very dangerous. You better go first, Indy.

C'mon senor, nothing can happen from now on.
THAT is what i am concerned about .. You stay here.
If you demand on it, senor.

<I do not know where this is taken from.. but i had the feel it is CLASSICOMAXIMO>

Ray Jones
07-04-2003, 09:58 AM
Oh, that one too:

If you are an irish lord .. than i am mickey mouse.

C Shutt
07-04-2003, 10:19 AM
"Hey, you're not wearing shorts!"

- Pokemon.

07-04-2003, 10:10 PM
"The effects of a heroin overdose are lethal. Yes, in the short term. But there's been absolutely no research into the long-term effects"
--Chris Morris, Brass Eye

"What is Cake? Well, it has an active ingredient which is a dangerous psychoactive compund known as dismesmeric andersonphosphate. It stimulates the part of the brain called Shatner's Bassoon."
--Noel Edmunds, Brass Eye

"In this shot, Pantu the Dog has told the boy to press his face onto the soft screen. Online padeophiles use special gloves to feel and palpate the child's face"
--Barbara Follet MP, Brass Eye

"We believe that paedophiles are using an area of the internet the size of Ireland"
--Syd Rapson MP, Brass Eye

"Genetically, paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that is scientific fact. There's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact."
--D.J. Dr Fox, Brass Eye

"Homosexuals can't swim, they attract enemy radar, they attract sharks, they insist on being placed at the Captain's table, they get up late, they nudge people whilst they're shooting, and they muck about."
--Chris Morris, Brass Eye

C Shutt
07-05-2003, 05:46 AM
"Ideas are bullet-proof."

-V for Vendetta.