Boba Rhett
07-23-2003, 08:22 AM
Heh, I love these things. :D Here are some of the best that Jack Handey has to offer.
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If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. :D
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." :D
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
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Bwaahahhahahaaaa... ahahhahaha.a..aahahaa.... oh how I amuse myself. :D
______________________________________________
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. :D
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." :D
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
____________________________________________
Bwaahahhahahaaaa... ahahhahaha.a..aahahaa.... oh how I amuse myself. :D