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Boba Rhett
07-23-2003, 08:22 AM
Heh, I love these things. :D Here are some of the best that Jack Handey has to offer.


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If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. :D

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." :D

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
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Bwaahahhahahaaaa... ahahhahaha.a..aahahaa.... oh how I amuse myself. :D

pbguy1211
07-23-2003, 01:53 PM
Originally posted by Boba Rhett
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

A lot of these made me laugh... but I thought this one was the most accurrate! :p The recurring skeleton theme was pretty funny too. Along with the "real" window one.

WolfmanNCSU
07-23-2003, 02:21 PM
God I love Jack Handey. His thoughts were also real funny when they had them on SNL. I used to know a site that was full of them too. If I can find it again, I will post some more.

:thumbsup:

Clefo
07-23-2003, 03:02 PM
"I once took my nephew to Disneyland, but it wasn't really Disneyland. I took him to an old shack that burnt down and I said 'Oh no! Disneyland burned to the ground!' He started crying, not getting that I was joking. I was going to take him to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late"

Compa_Mighty
07-23-2003, 03:26 PM
Some other thoughts:

- Why argue if we can settle this in a fist fight?
- If Kennedy hadn't been killed... he'd still be alive.
- Your stuff is my stuff, and my stuff is my stuff.

When meeting someone:

- Pleased to me.
-The pleasure's all yours.

:D

Hope these weren't too local and you get them.

Darth Homer
07-23-2003, 09:16 PM
"I was sad that I had no shoes, until I saw a man that had no feet...so I stole his shoes. I mean, he's not gonna need them, right?"

not sure if that's one of his or a copy-cat, but I still think it's funny

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.


That one's my fav of Rhett's

Sam Fisher
07-23-2003, 09:34 PM
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

:rofl:

Almost all of these made me laugh. Is there going to be more?

another_trooper
07-23-2003, 09:54 PM
I dont know who that guy is. . . but he sure is funny :D :D

"If Kennedy hadnt been killed, he would still be alive"
Hehe ! That was a good one

Silenthunter
07-23-2003, 10:30 PM
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind


Aw man, those are definetly my favorites :D

KoRndrumnkilla
07-26-2003, 03:25 AM
When it's raining, and little children ask why, I like to say, "because God is crying." When the little children ask, "why is God crying?", I like to say, "probably because of something you did."

I don't like Clowns. In fact, they scare me. It probably has something to do with my childhood, when a clown killed my Dad.

When I die, I wan't to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not like the screaming passenger in his car.

Those are my favorites.

Compa_Mighty
07-26-2003, 04:19 AM
Originally posted by KoRndrumnkilla
When I die, I wan't to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not like the screaming passenger in his car.


ROFL!!! That was incredible! Great one. :D

Eets
07-26-2003, 11:01 AM
Originally posted by Clefo
"I once took my nephew to Disneyland, but it wasn't really Disneyland. I took him to an old shack that burnt down and I said 'Oh no! Disneyland burned to the ground!' He started crying, not getting that I was joking. I was going to take him to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late"

That one's my absolute favorite. :D

When I saw it on SNL, I laughed for hours on end ^_^