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Darth Eggplant
07-27-2003, 11:16 PM
Subject: Darwin Awards 2003



In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this
year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this
year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are
given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) those
individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,
have done the most to remove undesirable elements from
the human gene pool.
Just think... until these events, these same people
were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area
while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County
Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley
and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes
Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
has since been investigated and determined the tower
he hit was the one with its pads removed.
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk
threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was
killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia
party (probably related to the winner last year, a
man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the
fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into
his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery
and was trying to explode it - it wouldn't go off and
this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to
a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is
lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the
hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend
during an initiation into men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain
Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried
to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the
arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood
vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died
instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to
10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear
of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts
tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would
have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends
had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I
feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed,
but the Josephine County district attorney's office
said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late)
Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided
to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheatre.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled
their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr.
Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend
over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a
30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having
heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through
a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,
along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him
by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken
arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free,
Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated
his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his
pocketknife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and
slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing
him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the
scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches
on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

Branik
07-28-2003, 05:53 AM
The world, apparently, is STILL full of morons and idiots.

pleto4_ryan
07-28-2003, 04:58 PM
:eek: