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View Full Version : GB.com EXCELLENCE AWARDS 2003 SHOW


Clefo
07-29-2003, 11:41 AM
Notes: Some categories don't have presentations; this was due to self-imposed deadlines. If you want to write one for a category that wasn't, just post it in the thread or send it to me someway and you'll get credit for writing this, I'll update this as soon as I get it.

There's a bit of a language warning, so if you're offended, you suck.

TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS

..NOW DAMMIT!

... DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, YOU TROGLODYTE!

*Screen dims*

FINALLY... NOW LIVE FROM THE DANK DUNG FILLED AUDOTORIUM OF MARTIN LUTHER KING HIGH SCHOOL IN MADESTO, CALIFORNIA. IT'S TIME FOR LAME PUBLIC ACCESS HALF HOUR

*half an hour later*

NOW, LIVE ON PBS, FROM A WAREHOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL IN NEW YORK CITY, NOW IS TIME FOR THE 2003 GB.COM EXCELLENCE AWARDS! WITH A BUNCH OF RANDOM CELEBRATIES AS PRESENTERS WHO THINK THIS IS AN AUTISM BENEFIT! AND NO RANDOM MUSICAL ACTS TO SUFFER THROUGH!

AND NOW... THE STAR OF A FEW CANCELED TV SERIES' AND WRITER OF THE BOOK "DEATH RAT", MIKE NELSON!

*Mike enters the poorly lit wood floor stage of the Warehouse to a crowd of over 120!1*

Mike: Thank you all! Now before we get started, I'll assure you that Regis Philbin is not in New York right now!

*The crowd gives a rowdy sound of applause*

Mike: Now I won't bore you with a monologue or sketch, I'll get right to the first award...

Voice: No you won't, Mike.

*2 robots appear on stage. One is a hovering, red, short, gumball looking one and the other one is gold and looks like a crow. Readers in the know will know that these are Crow and Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000*

Mike: Crow, Tom, why are you here? I thought you had a cheese factory in Milwaukee that was going well.

Crow: Well we did, and we were about to branch out to Madison.

Tom: But, struggling economy, and a PETA Demonstration that went bizarre.

Crow: Soon there were lots of cats.

Tom: ATF Agents

Crow: Some laxatives.

Tom: And lots of batting gloves.

Crow. I don't know where all the lederhosen went.

Tom: Anyway Mike, we're here because we love you.

Mike: *wearily* I didn't know that the squinty eyed guy programmed you guys to have desires like that.

Crow: Not like that Mike, we just care for you so much.

Mike: Okay, I was trapped in space with you guys for 5 years, and you never told me you were batting for the other team.

*Tom starts to steam*

Tom: WE AREN'T GAY, OKAY? THIS IS A MOTHERFRIGGING INTERVENTION!

Mike: Ah, I see.

Crow: Yes Mike, we don't want you doing these awards shows anymore.

Tom: They make you look like a Midwestern, uneducated, career temp who hasn't had any human contact in 5 years.

Crow: But that's what he is already.

Tom: *pauses* Damn, continue with the show, Mikey.

*Tom and Crow leave, snickering*

Mike: *dejected* Okay, now we will get to our first award for "Most Stylish". To hand out this award is a random valley girl we picked up in a mall that's convinced its 1983.

* Random Valley Girl They Picked Up In A Mall That's Convinced Its 1983 Enters, "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow plays*

RVGTPUIAMTCI1983: I mean like, totally, its so groady. Like, fashion and stuff. Totally bitchin' tubular. Can you believe that the guy shot the President? I mean he wanted to impress Jodie Foster. If I were, like, Jodie Foster I'd be all like "Ewww, no. You aren't my type..." Now, Joe Piscapo, he's gonna be a big star one day....

FEW HOURS LATER

RVGTPUIAMTCI1983: And like this one time, at band camp...

MORE TIME LATER

RVGTPUIAMTCI1983: So like the tubular groady award for Most Stylish goes to like Rogue Nine!

Mike: *writing a note* ... By the time you read this I will have died a horrible death of my own accord.. *notices the Camera is on him*

Mike: Uh, hi. I wasn't about to kill myself! Ehehehe. Okay, our next presenter is for the award for "Most Likely To Be Eaten By A Giant Killer Bunny" please welcome Ann Coulter

*Ann Coulter enters whilst "Bitch" by Meridith Brooks plays"

AC: Right, but I must condemn Mr. Nelson here. He lives in Wisconsin.

Mike: So does everyone, but its mostly people from Wisconsin that rattle on me.

AC: And you do know that in many of the past Presidential Elections the state of Wisconsin had the audacity to vote. *with disgust* Democrat. We all know that Democrat's are slimy vermin who weren't angry on 9/11! They're also Muslims! We must convert the Muslims! Hey! Get your hands off of me! I am a good Christian! Noooo!

*A blank screen that says 'Please Stand By' appears*

Mike: Sorry about that, but the show promised to have a Right Wing nut and a Left Wing nut on tonight. And the award winner is Eets. And as his prize, a giant killer bunny is eating him!

*Screams of pain are heard*

Mike: Ahahahahaha! *Sweat* our next award is the Most Fanatical award. To present this award is a beloved former member of our GB.com forum. Live on a satellite feed from Alcatraz Prison in San Francisco, here is Viper! Viper is serving time for crimes such as Petty Theft, Arson, Sexual Assault, and eating Liu Fang.

Viper: *on a screen, speaking in a sophisticated fake British accent while clips from "Date Rape" by Sublime play * Good day to you. Michael.

Mike: What the hell? You just said an entire sentence without cursing at me?

Viper: Well Michael, you could say I've had an epiphany.

Mike: Oh, so you're a born again Christian?

Viper: Not in that sense, I'm still smearing pigs blood on children *laughs heartily*. I just feel less morally corrupt now. My friend Big Jon has shown me the way.

Mike: And why is that?

Viper: Well, we were taking a shower one day and he just thrust his knowledge inside of me. I felt it penetrating into my... brain. I had been made the bitch of society, but now...

Mike: *visibly shaking* Just tell us who won

Viper: Righto chap. The most fanatical award winner is none other than Tie Guy Now, if you excuse me, I have some cigarettes now and I don't want to sit through Big Jon's philosophy sessions again.

Mike: Well, hope you're happy, I figured you would.

Viper: *suddenly dons a hostile Brooklyn Accent* What the (censored) does that mean you little (censored). Are you saying I'm some sort of (censored) (censored) who likes to (censored) with (censored)? Well you know what? (Censored) you and your (censored) forum. So what if my life has (censored) mirrored that song that played when they introduced me? Are you (censored) or something? Go (censored) yourself!

*Screen with Viper fades out*

Mike: America's prison system is shot. Anyway, our next award is for "Most Well Rounded" award to the carbon-based life form that has good aspects in a forum. And who better to give out that award than Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC)!

*Pause, a stagehand walks up to Mike and whispers in his ear*

Mike: No way, I thought the man would live forever. Well, the winner is Havoc Stryphe

Mike: Our next award is the "Jedi and Sith Awards" These 2 awards go out to the people who embody the Jedi and Sith qualities, respectively. Now, we wanted to have a Jedi and a Sith come up here, but they couldn't without trying to kill each other.. So the Jedi award winner is Havoc Stryphe and the "King ******* Of The Universe(tm)"(Aka a Sith) is none other than "Insert Some Stupid Clan Here" Heavyarms!

Mike: I promise we'll have a presenter for this next award. It's the "Best Forumite Who's Never Won One Of These Awards!" and here to present it is David Lee Roth!

*DLR enters; he looks like he's hit the bottom of the bottle a few too many times and his speech is slurred. "Jump" by Van Halen plays*

DLR: Hey everyone! I just was in a reunion with Van Halen, and they kicked me out. AGAIN! Zippidy Boddity! So the (unintelligible) award is for (unintelligible) and (long string of unintelligible phrases) Clefo!

Mike: The presenter of the best directory page is T.J Hooker himself, William Shatner!

Shatner: This......award......goes........to.........the... ...person.........with...the... bestdirectorypage....... SPOOOOOCK!

*Few hours later*

Shanter: and...the....winner....is.....

*Time passes, people are born and died, the Cubs have finally won a World Series*

Shatner:..........Tie Guy...................

Mike: Our next award is....

*The 2 stormtroopers from last year's show appear*

ST1: Hah, we've finally found you infidel!

ST2: Packers!

Mike: Oh my god..

ST1: You thought you could trick us by showing us to a deathtrap while telling us it was the bridge

Mike: Actually, I told you guys it was a death trap, you didn't listen.

ST1: Silence! We two will resurrect the Empire! And destroy your pathetic award show with it!

ST2: Steinbrenner!

ST1: Yes and once we rule... *As if willed by a deus ex machina, a piece of scaffolding falls and crushers ST1*

Mike: *sarcastically* Oh no!

ST2: Jerry! *ST2 looks at ST1's crushed corpse*

*Lights dim around ST2, as he launches into a Soliloquy *

ST2: Times are short. Friendships are even shorter than the endless stream that is time. Jerry, you taught me so much in our time together. I know so much because of you, and you probably were a better person because of me. Now you meet a tragic end. I swear, my comrade, that I will avenge you.

Mike: There's nothing to avenge. Some crappy scaffolding fell off

ST2: Silence! I will kill you infidel!

Mike: Look Stormtrooper 2...

ST2: I have a name you know! It's Rick! Augh! *walks off stage*

Mike: Due to Clefo's self inflicted deadlines, the next few awards will be shot of without presenters, but that doesn't taint the prestige! Oh no!

Lurker Award: Paragon Leon
Elf Farm: Rhett, in a unanimous vote.
Crappy Typing: nl_ackbar
Picture: Clefo (Authors note: I hate you all)
Peacekeeper: Havoc Stryphe
Clueless: Natopo
Game: Rhett
STP: Clefo

Mike: There's a few for you. To present the next award, "Best Fourmmer Named Clefo", A normal looking guy with a funny name.

Dirk Hardcheese: And the winner is... Clefo!

Mike: Thank you Dirk. Our next award is for the Girlfriend Problem Award. To present it, a stereotypical bitter ex-girlfriend.

SBEG: This award goes to the BASTARD who doesn't know how to warm up to me! He can't understand how I feel! A girl has needs! The bastardly bastard winner is... Sherack Nhar!

Mike: The next award is for the "Cutest Baby" and the winner is... Havoc's kid, but they're all cute in their own way, don't you think?

Mike: Now the Super Secret Funtime Award! The criterion for this award was: Don't ask what the criteria was and you'll win! And since only one person did, the loser is: Dash Rendar!

The presenter of the Chameleon award is none other than an over paranoid man from a shack in Montana.

*We are shown a short white haired white man inside a dark room surrounded by enough guns to make John Woo nervous*

OPMFASIM: Hello Mike, I hope the Free Masons haven't gotten their grubby hands on you. The chameleon award is for the citizen who changes a lot so the damn Carter Administration won't get their grubby hands on me!

Mike: Jimmy Carter hasn't been president in like 20 years.

OPMFASIM: Lies! Even if he's not really President anymore, which I doubt, I know his "Habitat for Humanity" is really planting chips into people's brains!

*A gun falls off a crate in the room*

OPMFASIM: ****! *Grabs a rifle and starts firing randomly*

*We lose the feed*

Mike: Well then... The winner is Eets!

Mike: And to present the Deserter Award: The Reverend Al Sharpton!

*Pause*

Mike: Sorry, Al Sharpton's hair has caught fire from him standing near the exhaust of a bus, but we have filled our Left and Right wing nut quota

Our next award is the double posting award. Our next award is the double posting award. This is for the person who posts twice in a row the most often. This is for the person who posts twice in a row the most often. The winner is nl_ackbar. The winner is nl_ackbar.

The next award is the rancor award, presented by an guy angry about something, but we don't know what

Angry Guy: Like, you're such a d*****bag! You can't tell how I feel man! Fight the power! The rancor award winner is Nl_Ackbar. Now I'm leaving... You c***sucker!

*Censors try to bleep it, but to no avail. All around the world, parents in North America are telling their children that's not acceptable language, people in Europe start laughing out loud, and people around Asia become confused as a translation is being thought of*

Mike: Okay... Now we're gonna do another runoff of categories, enjoy.

Coolest: Havoc Stryphe
Wisest: Havoc Stryphe
Lifeless: Dash Rendar
GB: Darth Maul UK
Permanoob: nl_ackbar
IP Spying Privilages: Rogue 15
Uber Smilie: Eets

Mike: 2 awards left! This one is the most typing dude, person, thing, whatever. Yeah, we ran out of budget for presenters, so the winner is "Havoc Stryphe"

Mike: The final award is "Forum Graphic Whiz"...

Voice: Hold up Mikey!

Mike: Who is it?

Voice: Don't you remember me?

*A man in the rafter's face is shown it is none other than...*

Mike: B movie actor Joe Don Baker! What are you doing here?

JDB: Why I've come for revenge. I shall extact it on you first.. ERK *JDB has a coronary and dies undramatically falling off the rafters*

Mike: Right, the graphics winner is Eets!

Mike: Well that's our show, I'd like to thank the presenters that actually bothered to show up. I hope we do this next year. So the show's over... Hey, why are you all coming towards me? Ahhh!

*Later that night, the NBC Nightly News Theme Plays on a random TV somewhere in America*

Tom Brokaw: Riots have broken out in New York City today. The cause seemed to be the GB.com Excellence Awards. Angry audience members have taken hostage the show's host, Mike Nelson. Wait... This just in... A SWAT team has firebombed the Warehouse everyone seems to have died! Except Mike Nelson who was saved by a Deus Ex Machina, he tells NBC that he looks forward to hosting next year's awards.

Fin.

Attributions and such

The characters Mike, Tom, and Crow are from Mystery Science Theater 3000 (http://www.scifi.com/mst3000/)
All other people are not fictional, but with traits exaggerated
The "C***sucker" part is homage to Christopher Buckley's excellent book "No Way To Treat A First Lady"
The 2 Stormtrooper dudes were from last year's awards show, which I can't be bothered to put in a link for.


1 "Over 120" means that there are more than 120 people in attendence, so technically the Super Bowl has more than 120 in attendance

Artoo
07-29-2003, 02:49 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Hilarious Clefo! Excellent job! :thumbsup:



I still retain my record of never winning an award! w00t! :D

DashRendar
07-29-2003, 03:06 PM
YES! My first award! And I'm the first person in history to be the only forummite to lose an award. So. Ya. w00t!

Rogue Nine
07-29-2003, 05:19 PM
*giggles insanely*

I love the jab about the Cubs finally winning one again.

Neato, I won something. :) But of course it's Havoc raking in all the awards again. :p

STTCT
07-30-2003, 04:45 AM
:(

nobody loves me or my baby

DashRendar
07-30-2003, 12:37 PM
Originally posted by STTCT
:(

nobody loves me or my baby

The reason I didn't vote...

Anyway I think both babies are quite cute. Equally so, both in their own ways.

Boba Rhett
07-30-2003, 01:25 PM
They're both totally cute, Shan. :( That's why I chose Natopo as everone else should have!

Silenthunter
07-30-2003, 06:51 PM
Good job.


I guess I'll just go back to my corner now...:ball:

Paragon_Leon
07-30-2003, 07:39 PM
excellent stuff !

but hey....."Lurker Award" ??
does that mean....they....KNOW i'm watching them ?!!?!?!
:D

Sherack Nhar
07-30-2003, 11:13 PM
Woohoo! I won something! Just for the record, none of my ex-girlfriends hold a grudge against me! ;)

And... Who won the Deserter award?? :eek:

Natopo sooo should've won the cutest baby award :D

Heavyarms
07-31-2003, 12:25 PM
"insert some stupid clan name here?" I'll kill you next year!

JediMasterEd
07-31-2003, 11:22 PM
*sniff* Oh...ok....I'll...umm...*sniff*...be over...there...*points to Doaba on SWG*...*sniff*...at least I got something there...*breaks down*

Artoo
08-01-2003, 03:18 AM
*pats Ed on the back*

It's ok, you'll be alright. I've been around for three years and I still haven't won one of these dang awards. :)

It's not because we don't love you, it's because we didn't create a category for you to win. :D

JediMasterEd
08-01-2003, 09:46 AM
I'm fine, after blasting Imperials, I feel much better, until the servers started acting screwy...very wierd stuff started around the Swamps on Corellia...I tell ya, the game's like drugs, you just can't play for ONE hour...lol...you've been warned.