View Full Version : Bleh, I feel like I just watched a depressing and pathetic porn flick

12-30-2003, 05:47 AM
Cold Mountain
Critically acclaimed movie/porn

*warning, untagged spoilers*

I came into watching this movie with high expectations. I thought Civil War + good cast (Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, Renée Zellweger, Natalie Portman, etc) + good plotline (all good romance stories are suposed to have one anyway) = good fun for me and the g/f.
But just to be sure I went and looked at reviews, great reviews! Good times!
Check the rating..."rated R. It has graphic battle scenes, nudity and period-appropriate profanity"...hmmm...well...that's not suprising, it is a romance movie, and it is set in civil war, so it's all good...besides, the nudity can't be as pathetic as Matrix: Reloaded's scene.

Okay, It's GO time!

As the movie opens in a combination of Civil War battlefield and flashbacks you sit there and watch people get shot, etc, yada yada yada...I've seen worse gore many a time. *shrug* But then again g/f is squirming in her seat about the blood, but then she says "oh well, the battle scene is short and at the begining, so we'll get to the good stuff soon." I nod.

Well, battle is over and more flashbacks...we learn that the two lovers in question (Ada - Kidman and Inman - Law) have been waiting to see each other since the begining of the war...that by itself would be okay, IF they had known each other longer than a week. I mean they knew zero, natta, NOTHING about each other basically, yet she falls despirately in love with him...for what? His charm? Isn't there. His personality? Didn't see any. Anything edearing, a special moment perhaps? ummmmmm...nope, not really. Yet she is so despiratly in love with him that she almost goes insane sitting around on the farm. But all is not lost, because hero boy is wounded and is taken off the front lines...

Lover boy then escapes into the country side, not wanting to go back into war after his wound healed. He is going HOME! To his wonderful Ada (Kidman)...GO INMAN (Law) GO! He meets up with a wide variety of people along the way. On one such instance he takes refuge with a bunch of whores basically...nudity insues...and I do mean full nudity. It was almost enough to make me heave...not speaking for my g/f who looked quite pale...especially when we looked up hoping the scene was over and ended up getting an eyeful of a robust (to say the least) woman on top of Inman's companion...I really could have done with out all of that pathetic porn. If I wanted to see porn I would go to an X rated movie instead of an R rated one, but I didn't...yet I was still bombarded by it.

Anyway...the union capture him, blah blah blah. We were pretty much in shell shock after the porno so we started were nicely suprised when Ruby (Renée Zellweger) was introduced. The movie started to get mildly interesting again.

Then, as if they couldn't decide what exactly to do, they made the bad guy of the flick into ultra bad...he had just been ugly before...now he was out to slaughter the world for no reason. I'm sorry, but I just didn't see any character development used on Teague the big bad bully. He wasn't all that bad at first...and then all of the sudden, here he is stabbing an old man through the chest, torturing an old lady, murdering several disserters...for what? why? When did he get a barb stuck in his arse? Oh sure they put out some mock reasons such as "He wants the farm" etc...but they never pan out...they didn't bother to build on them.

Inman finally makes it back into the arms of Ada...and then into her dress. This one was expected...sort of...I expected there would be a sex scene here because I'd read about it...but I wasn't expecting it to be THAT explicit. Again, it may as well have been porn. I'm not sure what was wrong with the director, but I can deffinatly say that he is one messed up pervert.

Now that everyone is happy sappy, it's time to ruin the movie. WARNING, this will ruin the movie...wait...that doesn't matter...the movie sucks...so keep reading. The big bad dude man decides it's time to kill more people, the invetable shootout occurs. Teague gets his in the head...murder tho...he was defenseless, etc...somewhat dissapointing...then his "youthful" croney takes on Inman in a one shot duel. Croney dies! YAY! THIS MOVIE REALLY BLOWS, BUT AT LEAST IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING! wait...oh s***...Inman is dead...Ada cries, but at least she has Inman's child to remember him all her life! ...wow...how...good...for...her... :o

We walk out in utter disbelief...I look at her, she looks at me and we said in unison, "Wow that sucked." It was one of the most unfulfilling movies the two of us have EVER seen. For such high praise this movie recieved, it deserves very little of it. Don't go see Cold Mountain if you can help it...if it didn't suck so bad I wouldn't even bother writing this, but I felt I had to warn you, trust me, you'll be very pleased you didn't bother to see it.

bad development (personalities seemed to change at random and the love between the two was quite implausable) + Depressing story (period, I found nothing to be happy about except for about 2 jokes from Zellweger) + Porn (nuff said) = S***ty movie

12-30-2003, 12:24 PM
Wow you really saved me - I was going to the see this movie. Now I'll just wait for the DVD to come out - if not just to pause it to see Jude Law Naked.

12-30-2003, 04:38 PM
you'll see more of kidman's breasts than you will of Law's body, trust me...they give several close ups of breasts in this movie which struck me as more pathetic than arousing...and then of course the fat lady, completely nude, riding the preacher character was more than enough to make me dry heave. Can't the directors think of anything better than gratuitous sex and nudity to get a movie off the ground? This SHOULD have been a good movie...and it COULD have been a good movie...if the director had actually bothered to focus more on the romance and character development than on trivialities and stupidity.

The standards it blew away in that respect absolutly shattered it's review from me...I can sometimes take a depressing movie...which is what it is, but throwing in porn and leaving out character development...feh...The only character who takes on much, if any, development is Ada (Kidman) who changes from Rich city girl to country bumpkin...but that development is marred by the sheer stupidity of her love for Inman that has very little base set out by the movie. They know each other for a few days...and she falls head over heals for him the first time she even LOOKS at him. I'm not the kind of guy that is sucked into action movies all of the time, I enjoy movies with great plotlines...this one didn't have one...and if you still don't like the judgement of a guy on a romance movie, take the same one from my g/f.

The only reason the critics like this movie is because of the little allusions it brings out, blah blah blah...really, it's nothing you are going to notice, or enjoy. Zellweger's performance was great in this movie, her character is warm and lovable...the rest...you'll just keep hoping throughout the movie that they MIGHT get better.

12-30-2003, 05:01 PM
I didn't even think they could show all that crap in a movie that's not NC-17, sorry you had to experience that dude

12-30-2003, 05:30 PM
What does Portman play?

12-31-2003, 01:14 AM
NO krkrode, you won't see her naked in the movie :D

Anyway, I personally have nothing against nudity or sex scenes in a movie as long as they have another purpose then attracting old perverts. It seems these daysdirectors just add nudity here and there just to sell more tickets...

12-31-2003, 01:25 AM
Wow... thank you. I used to have hope for that movie, but now I see that it was all in vain. It doesn't deserve to sit next to the other Civil War movie giants. The four G's. Cause it's not a G, and it sounds like it's not that good. It sounds like they more used some plotholes to get to the porn than used the porn to move along the plot... which ain't that happy. I don't wanna go to the movies to see the stuff anyway... but it's somewhat standable if it makes sense from a completely abject plot. But that doesn't sound like the case, sounds like they just dropped a few well-placed plotholes in the movie to generate some nudity and draw people to the movie. I think I have on word for this.

BLEH! :(

12-31-2003, 05:02 AM
Portman is a woman who lost her husband in the war...I was afraid she would get naked too and try to go after Law whenever she invited him into bed, but she kept some of her dignity and just cried instead...

I mean, I can handle nudity and sex scenes, never enjoyed them in movies tho...if I wanted to see sex then I'd go to one of 50 billion internet sites I get in my e-mail every day, but I don't ever enjoy it in high class movies, I think it's just pathetic. In Matrix: Reloaded I couldn't believe how pathetic it got...well Cold Mountain goes beyond it...FAR beyond it. I've certainly seen worse...but I've NEVER seen worse in a theater...let alone with my g/f!

The only reason I could actually THINK OF to reccomend this movie is Zellweger's heartwarming performance...other than that, this movie doesn't have a single bright spot in my eyes.

12-31-2003, 07:26 AM
wow, alot of hate for this movie lol...I was gonna go see it too....but now...umm....no.

12-31-2003, 12:23 PM
I think I should stay away from that movie. O.o