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View Full Version : Darth Homer's Review of: TORQUE (non-covered spoilers, like you care)


Darth Homer
01-22-2004, 09:55 AM
Went with a few friends the other night to see the movie Torque. We go to some movies like this sometime just to see how bad they are. Boy, did we get our money's worth with this one.

First thing that gets me is the glaring stereotypes. Black guys hate white guys. Harley guys hate the non-harley guys & the black guys. Non-harley guys hate the harley guys and the black guys (until plot line predictably throws them together against harley guys). Harley guy's leader is the true villain and can lift a man off the ground with only one hand. Black guy's leader (Ice Cube) cannot stop snearing or even close his mouth fully for the entire duration of the film. The "bad" people (aka the harley people) all have tattoos and are grungy white-guys. Good guys are multi-ethnic, clean shaven, and have 1 "dumb" one for comic relief.

Second problem, complete disregard of the Laws of Physics.
Exhibit A) FBI guy's hummer can match speeds of suped-up motorcycles with ease.

Exhibit B) Same hummer, when driven at a high rate of speed up an incline will do a barrel-roll immediately after leaving said incline. However, when it lands, it comes straight down on its roof; showing no forward movment or rotation.

Exhibit C) Motorcycle sparring. Characters are able to make their bikes become airborne and twist around so to strike another bike's wheel that is pulling thesame move. The wheels when striking will be 5-6 feet off the ground.

Exhibit D) Bad guy gets obliterated by an explosion in a shop (that's big enough to engulf the entire thing in flames). Good girl & FBI agent who set off explosion is alive and completely unhurt (not even a scratch). Only possible explanation for this is that she had a bullet-proof vest on & bad guy did not.

Exhibit E) Climatic chase sceen. Bad guy is speeding away from good guy. Good guy jumps on silver "Turbine motorcycle" (a real motorcycle that has a helicopter engine to propel it, but is extremely expensive). Good guy rockets after bad guy. Bad guy, on a Harley, hits a "turbo" button and now is matching speeds with the turbine bike.

Exhibit F) End of chase, turbine bike explodes & takes out bad guy. Bad guy and his bike are instantly vaporized as we never see any wreckage or him ever again. Good guy escapes by being hurled forward by said blast, but is unhurt and can drive off on girlfriend's bike; who suddenly appears moments after explosion despite not having turbine bike or turbo boosters.

The storyline was very loose and extremely predictable.
1) Guy needs to get the girl back, so what does he do? Get flowers? No Buys chocolates? No Whisks her away to a fantasy-filled pleasure dome where all the women look like Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba and they feed you grapes all day.....wait, sorry, got off-track...and no, he doesn't do that either. He races her and wins, thus proving he is the man of her dreams.
2) When good guy is framed for black gang leader's brother, gang leader instinctively falls for it and goes after good guy. Good guy saves gang leader's life and so gang leader starts to think that maybe good guy didn't do it after all. Which inevitably leads to them teaming up to take down evil harley guy.

In closing, I give TORQUE, three thumbs down out of a possible two. The highlight of the film for me was when good guy jumps onto silver turbine motorcycle, "Wild-west" style (like how in westerns they jump on a horse), and my friend next to me let out, "High-ho SILVER!! AWAY!!!"

I guess it was a bad sign that the director for the movie has also recently done Brittany's new video.

STTCT
01-22-2004, 10:14 AM
I can't believe you paid to see that.

I saw it and knew it would go down in the history books with Glitter and Gigli!

lukeiamyourdad
01-23-2004, 01:27 AM
Dude, save your cash to see another movie. I don't think anyone expected this movie to be good...nor did anyone who just looked at the trailer and said:"Hey what a good looking movie! Let's go see it! I'm sure the story is as important as the motorcycle chase(made to impress a few little dumbass teens)!"

Darth Homer
01-23-2004, 02:40 AM
It's kind of late to tell me to save my cash...and I went with a couple friends that I had not seen or spoken to in months, so it was still a fun time & worth it to me. That and we congregated at one of their places before going; ate ice cream & drank root beers while watching Family Guy before going. :D

Sherack Nhar
01-23-2004, 03:47 AM
Good review Homer, doesn't surprise me at all! If you wanna watch bad movies, that's fine, I know how fun they can be sometimes. But I wouldn't increase box office sales of a bad movie for that. What you should do is buy a ticket for *another* movie, a good one, then sneak inside the room where they're showing the bad movie that you want to see :D

another_trooper
01-23-2004, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by Darth Homer
ate ice cream & drank root beers while watching Family Guy before going. :D

That made all worthwhile if you ask me...:D
But seriously though, wasnt there any other movie??
I mean, torque or whatever its name is, looked really awful...

Darth Homer
01-23-2004, 06:50 PM
You're missing the point. We KNEW it would be bad, but went to see exactly HOW bad it was. My friend had emailed me about going and listed these reasons:
1) Hot Chicks in Leathers
2) Guns
3) Explosions
4) Hilarity

And he was right on all points, though the hilarity was unintentional.

Luke Skywalker
01-23-2004, 07:35 PM
Test

Darth Homer
01-23-2004, 10:23 PM
Originally posted by Luke Skywalker
Test

Test Failed

Sherack Nhar
01-24-2004, 02:59 PM
Spam

lukeiamyourdad
01-24-2004, 06:11 PM
By posting a one word post you just spammed :p