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View Full Version : Why Chris Columbus never got to write Indy IV


Yufster
01-31-2004, 03:56 AM
Here is a summary of the script that Chris Columbus wrote for Indy IV (http://timisgod.mixnmojo.com/index.php#30I2004).

I never knew a script could be so bad it literally ceases to be funny even in its awfulness.

You have to read it.

Really.

It's called "Indiana Jones and the Monkey King."

Not joking.

Indy goes in search of a Monkey King. He is followed by one of his students who is obsessed with him. She secretly follows him for three weeks, as she hides in a banana crate, eating only bananas to stay alive. Then she leaps out when he reachs shore, and proceeds to kiss a fish, mistaking it for Indy.

And I don't want to spoil the end, but I'm going to anyway: Indy kisses a gorilla and the Monkey God tells him he watches his exploits from heaven and thinks he's awesome.

I think the bad guy is either a Robot Nazi, or a Nazi with a robotic arm, because when Indy says, "Heil Hitler!" The arm SHOOTS UP automatically.

Here are some CHOICE EXCERPTS:



The Gorillas, still dressed as NAZIS, continue to DRIVE THE TANK



INDIANA
What's that got to do with my
personal life?

CLARE
Evidence. I plan on testifying at
your child molestation trial.




SUN WU KUNG COMES TO LIFE! He is UNLIKE anyone or anything we have ever seen. HALF-HUMAN. HALF-HONKEY. His face is covered with WRINKLES. His wide eyes are COAL BLACK. PROBING. WARM. When he smiles, it is DEVILISH, but incredibly CHARMING. His movements are PERKY. QUICK. An extremely ADORABLE little fellow. Instantly LOVABLE. But there is a STRONG, POWERFUL presense about him. He is indeed, a HEAVENLY FIGURE.



Quote the Villain: No...jail...can...hold...me!!!



Indy is suddenly INTERRUPTED by a HARD SLAP to his face. He LOOKS UP.
A beautiful, blonde student, REBECCA, stands over his desk. She
SCREAMS. FURIOUS.

REBECCA
Two-timing bastard!

Indiana RUBS his jaw. STARTLED. Rebecca CONTINUES.

REBECCA
How could you?!?... My own
Mother?!?... In my own bed?!?...
(slaps him again)
I've had it with you! It's over!




GUTTERBUHG
Goodbye, Doctor Jones.

Gutterbuhg TURNS to the guards. Ready to give them the ORDER...to OPEN
THE CAGE and SET THE BUFFALO FREE! Indy suddenly SCREAMS.

INDIANA
Heil Hitler!

Upon hearing the words, Gutterbuhg STANDS. Like a ROBOT. He RAISES his
mechanical arm in a "Heil Hitler" POSE.

GUTTERBUHG
Heil Hitler!

The FINGERS of Gutterbuhg's mechanical arm get CAUGHT IN THE METAL
GRATING ABOVE HIS HEAD! Gutterbuhg TRIES TO REMOVE his fingers. NO
GOOD. STUCK. Gutterbuhg PULLS. HARD. His mechanical arm is RIPPED FROM
ITS SOCKET! It DANGLES from the grating.



What went wrong, eh? You can download the full script at www.theindyexperience.com

Skinkie
01-31-2004, 04:58 AM
He couldn't have time to write a script, he was busy conquering the new world... wait... that may be some one else...

Yufster
01-31-2004, 05:28 AM
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe he was fooling around with George or something.

Guybrush122
01-31-2004, 06:05 PM
I'm sure he was. No writer could possibly show that as his "new work" seriously. None.

Yufster
02-01-2004, 08:44 AM
What I think is possibly funniest besides the amount of unfunny slapstick comedy, and the Gorillas dressed as Nazis driving TANKS towards Indy... What I think is funniest is that Indy is repeatedly called a paedophile.

Skinkie
02-02-2004, 02:09 AM
It's probably cause of that Short Round kid.

Sivy
02-02-2004, 11:19 AM
:eyeraise: that can't be serious

Yufster
02-02-2004, 02:49 PM
No no, it's serious. I guess it was only a first draft. I remember reading one of the unfinished drafts for Temple of Doom and you know that scene where him and Willie are trying to seduce each other in the palace? I loved the way that scene progressed in the movie. But in the script it was completely different and not nearly as witty.

Perhaps the final draft of that could have been different.

But then it would have involved changing everything about the script, including the script and the title of the script and all the characters...

Another part I loved was when they, someplace at the beginning, find 'blood' on the floor, and Indy leans down to taste it and gives the exact name and year of the spilled wine. There are two ways to view that scene;

1. Chris Columbus is a moron.

2. Chris Columbus was playing on the fact that Indiana Jones was the son of James Bond (That's where the big guys got the idea) so he decided to have a reference to Bond and his ridiculous ability to calculate the exact name and date of a bottle of wine via TASTING it. It was still a lame reference.

But judging by the rest of the script, I would say that 1 is probably the way it is.

Guybrush122
02-02-2004, 09:55 PM
I seriously can't believe any self-respecting writer could do something like that and have it be serious. It had to have been a joke. Who could possibly think that Nazi Gorillas would:


a) sell?

b) be entertaining in a serious way?

c) fit into an Indy Jones atmosphere?

d) put people on the edge of their seat?


Colombus must've had a thing for Charlton Heston and Swastikas (they're not exactly unrelated topics)...but STILL.





(anyone get the refrence? eh? eh? :snip2: :monkey2: :p)

Yufster
02-03-2004, 05:06 AM
I think the whole thing is hilarious. Picture that scene where she leaps out of the ship after three weeks of living in a banana crate. She's covered in her own excrement, sweat and piss. She leaps on Indy, who pushes her away. She passionately kisses a fish and says, "Oh INDY, you always DID know how to treat a girl." Meanwhile, Claire, while swatting away the flies that Betsy is attracting, says, "Oh Indy, you child molesting paedophile!" While Indy looks confused and says, "They named the fish Indy?"

Just picture it. Picture Karen Allen as Claire, Harrison Ford as Indy, and... oh, let's say, Britney Spears at Betsy, and Paul Freeman as the fish. Do you see how wonderful it is?

Alia
02-03-2004, 03:29 PM
Good lord.

I'm struck dumber than ever.

Skinkie
02-04-2004, 02:20 AM
What a feat.

Udvarnoky
02-04-2004, 08:02 PM
Actually, Chris Columbus' monkey script (which IS true, BTW) was actually considered for the third Indy movie but was rejected. Luckily Last Crusade ended up with no such plot lines.

You can read it in the last crusade trivia at IMDB.