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rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 02:57 AM
i know there was one of these before but i cant find it sooooooo...

ummmm yah i dont know any jokes soooooooo

(im kinda pathetic huh? :D )

dark jedi 8
02-18-2004, 03:01 AM
a guy walks into a bar and says oww!

:D (simple and pathetic, but it's all i can think of at the moment.)

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:02 AM
and yet i am laughing my @$$ off :D :D :D

ET Warrior
02-18-2004, 03:06 AM
Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car?









Because she's a woman!

DarkLord60
02-18-2004, 03:09 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car?









Because she's a woman!

ROFL

dark jedi 8
02-18-2004, 03:12 AM
LoL...:D :D

Boba Rhett
02-18-2004, 03:18 AM
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you a**hole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

and

The owner of a golf course in Iowa was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Iowa and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love Iowa women.

TiE23
02-18-2004, 03:19 AM
My 100% totally original joke I've been using on the internet for about 3 years

HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK F*CK, IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD F*CK WOOD?
:D

TiE

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:21 AM
ROFL:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:35 AM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

IG-64
02-18-2004, 03:38 AM
Originally posted by rick ulo 11103
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

... eww

TiE23
02-18-2004, 03:40 AM
:eyeraise:
Thats sick.....
Would chucks f*cking wood are less sick!

TiE

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:42 AM
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:42 AM
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:43 AM
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:45 AM
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m"

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:49 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud


(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao




Stupid Man

Dum Gai




Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni




Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?




I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni




It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim




This is a tow away zone

No Pah King




You are not very bright

Yu So Dum




I got this for free

Ai No Pei




I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?




Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?




They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.




Stay out of sight

Lei Lo




He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.




Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki




I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

TiE23
02-18-2004, 03:49 AM
Originally posted by rick ulo 11103
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m"

OMG that is so f*cking annoying to read that!
But a very funny joke :D

and your Chinnese joke is so old, and its been posted like 100 times :D

TiE

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 03:53 AM
Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed

through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer

goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

TiE23
02-18-2004, 03:59 AM
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TiE

ET Warrior
02-18-2004, 04:23 AM
How did Helen Keller burn her hand?














She was trying to read the waffle Iron

Druid Allanon
02-18-2004, 05:11 AM
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and
drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed
behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy.
He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was
promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General
Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his
birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride
and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling
agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a
pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now
owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also
my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best
universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also
gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes
of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom
returned and asked:
What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?

The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible,
what a disappointment you must feel.

The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.

And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed
and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

ET Warrior
02-18-2004, 06:10 AM
It's late in the Garden of Eden, and Adam says to God.

"God, I'm lonely, I really love all the animals you've given me, but I want a real companion."

God says to Adam.

"Alright Adam, here's what I can do, I'll make you the PERFECT companion, and we'll call her woman. She will be perfect in every way. she will love you, cherish you, and never question your authority. She will always agree with you, she will make food for you, clean for you, and do absolutely everything your heart desires."

"Wow God," Adam replied, "that sounds wonderful, is there any catch?"

"well, yes, actually, I'm going to need your right thumb, your left ear, half of the teeth in your mouth, your right foot, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders for awhile, and then says

"What could I get for just a rib?"

Druid Bremen
02-18-2004, 06:27 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
It's late in the Garden of Eden, and Adam says to God.

"God, I'm lonely, I really love all the animals you've given me, but I want a real companion."

God says to Adam.

"Alright Adam, here's what I can do, I'll make you the PERFECT companion, and we'll call her woman. She will be perfect in every way. she will love you, cherish you, and never question your authority. She will always agree with you, she will make food for you, clean for you, and do absolutely everything your heart desires."

"Wow God," Adam replied, "that sounds wonderful, is there any catch?"

"well, yes, actually, I'm going to need your right thumb, your left ear, half of the teeth in your mouth, your right foot, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders for awhile, and then says

"What could I get for just a rib?"

Meaning that the current woman woman is (1 rib)/(right thumb+left ear+half of teeth+right foot+left testicle) of the woman that God suggested! :D I agree with that!

IG-64
02-18-2004, 06:35 AM
I went looking for jokes just now. I'm going to go to bed now instead of filling my brain with more garbage.

Druid Allanon
02-18-2004, 09:20 AM
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you
to keep yours.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

----------------------------------------------------

HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER : Of course not.
HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN : I hope you didn't either.

----------------------------------------------------

GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

----------------------------------------------------

MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR : Because of absence.
MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

----------------------------------------------------

SILVIA : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA : Your name on this report card.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

----------------------------------------------------
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over
defense before detail.

----------------------------------------------------

MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA : A new bike.

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for
another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly)You don't know my father

----------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the
other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

----------------------------------------------------

BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY : No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY : And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY : Thank goodness!

rick ulo 11103
02-18-2004, 11:06 PM
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

Mike Windu
02-18-2004, 11:39 PM
RICK YOU STOLE YOUR JOKES


FROM THE EBAUMSWORLD WEBISTE

*dramatic music* u cheater :p. I don't have any really good jokes, most of mine are too vulgar to post on LF...

dark jedi 8
02-19-2004, 01:19 AM
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".




p.s. sorry if it may offend anyone?:cool:

Mike Windu
02-19-2004, 01:25 AM
those darned mexicans! lol! nice one

dark jedi 8
02-19-2004, 01:48 AM
1) After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

2)
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

3) IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

The Cheat
02-19-2004, 02:07 AM
what does michael jackson like about twenty eight year olds?

there are twenty of them, duh

DarkLord60
02-19-2004, 02:45 AM
Originally posted by Tie 23
My 100% totally original joke I've been using on the internet for about 3 years

HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK F*CK, IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD F*CK WOOD?
:D

TiE

Only you would bring that joke up lol

Lightsaberboy
02-19-2004, 08:22 AM
some of my favorite engineering jokes.

Definition of a Chemical Engineer
CHEMICAL ENGINEER: n. A person who does for profit what a chemist does for fun. see also "Prostitution"

THE BOY AND THE FROG
A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

An old Engineering Joke
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Crow_Nest
02-19-2004, 08:50 AM
Why is 6 afriad of 7?

Because 7, 8 (ate) 9! :D

I think most of you know this one already. :)

IG-64
02-19-2004, 09:17 AM
Originally posted by |GG|Crow_Nest
Why is 6 afriad of 7?

Because 7, 8 (ate) 9! :D

I think most of you know this one already. :)

I saw that on Dexter's Laboratory :P

Crow_Nest
02-21-2004, 06:53 AM
Why did the man pour water out of his windoW?

Because he wanted to see a waterfall :p

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 07:14 AM
I'm gonna spice this up a bit with some Red neck jokes.

You just might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, "no butts," and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion to pick up women.

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You might be a redneck if every day someone comes to your house asking if theres a girage sale.

You might be a redneck if you've got more guns than teeth.

You might be a redneck if you have a mobile home and five cars that arn't.

You might be a redneck if you moe your lawn and find a car.

You might just be a redneck if your family goes on vacation and somewhere theres a k-mart that's empty.

(And those are off the top of my head, not off some web site, cuz I'm not a lazy biatch!)

ET Warrior
02-21-2004, 07:29 AM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
(And those are off the top of my head, not off some web site, cuz I'm not a lazy biatch!)

More like, those are off the top of Jeff foxworthy's head. :p


Why didn't Helen Keller have a good time at the zoo?














Because she couldn't see or hear any of the animals.

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 07:48 AM
More like, those are off the top of Jeff foxworthy's head.

True. *nodds head*

An american, a german, and a newfie were traveling in the desert on a vacation together when their geep broke down. They each decided to take one thing with them and split up.

The american took the waterbattle, "If I get thirsty I can have a drink."

The german took the compass, "I can find my way out with this."

The newfie took the jeep's door. "If I get hot, I can roll down the windo."

DarkLord60
02-21-2004, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by IG-64
I saw that on Dexter's Laboratory :P

Me thinks he watches cartoons


Wait I watch the simpsons and Family guy!

IG-64
02-21-2004, 04:45 PM
Originally posted by DarkLord60
Me thinks he watches cartoons


Wait I watch the simpsons and Family guy!

I used to, I stopped a few months ago, they just play boring replays now, or terrible steriotype cartoons.

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 04:48 PM
Who doesn't watch cartoons.

Man ya gotta love spunge bob and Futurama.

IG-64
02-21-2004, 04:52 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
Who doesn't watch cartoons.

Man ya gotta love spunge bob and Futurama.

I don't watch nickelodian...

*shivers*

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 06:32 PM
nickelodeon?

So you've never watched Spunge bob or Futurama? U suck!

IG-64
02-21-2004, 06:41 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
nickelodeon?

So you've never watched Spunge bob or Futurama? U suck!
So I spelled it wrong, so sue me ;P

Spongebob, IMO, is worthless.

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 06:46 PM
I wasn't correcting your grammer, I just didn't know they were by nickalodeon. Not like I can spell it anyway. But man Spunge bob is so funny. And Futurama is the best cartoon of all time.

ExcelsioN
02-21-2004, 06:55 PM
Futurama isn't Nickolodean! Its by whoever made The Simpsons. Futurama and The Simpsons are the only cartoons I watch. Nickelodeon is worthless.

That was kinda off-topic

I can't think of any jokes right now, maybe its becuase I just can't seem to laugh much at written jokes.

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 07:02 PM
I don't care who Spunge bob's by, it shouldn't matter. The company doesn't determine the quality. Take Freaky Friday for example, it's by disney but it's still a kick ass movie.

And Spunge bob is hilarious, I laph my head off when I watch it.

IG-64
02-21-2004, 07:14 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
I don't care who Spunge bob's by, it shouldn't matter. The company doesn't determine the quality. Take Freaky Friday for example, it's by disney but it's still a kick ass movie.

And Spunge bob is hilarious, I laph my head off when I watch it.

meh, not my style, I like out-of-nowhere funny

I don't have any jokes

Mandalorian54
02-21-2004, 07:26 PM
It is out-of-nowhere funny, but it's constantly funny. I laph out loud man, there are so few shows or movies that make me laph outloud.

ET Warrior
02-21-2004, 08:55 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
I don't care who Spunge bob's by, it shouldn't matter. The company doesn't determine the quality. Take Freaky Friday for example, it's by disney but it's still a kick ass movie.

New freaky friday or old freaky friday?

If you were going to use Disney movies as an example you could have at LEAST used Pirates of the Caribbean...jeeez.


laugh. It's spelled laugh. and Sponge.

rick ulo 11103
02-24-2004, 06:07 PM
Originally posted by Mike Windu
RICK YOU STOLE YOUR JOKES


FROM THE EBAUMSWORLD WEBISTE

*dramatic music* u cheater :p. I don't have any really good jokes, most of mine are too vulgar to post on LF...

so??? :D



and please keep this on-topic ppl

*bump*




sorry for bumbin this i just like to laugh sometimes

DarkLord60
02-24-2004, 07:10 PM
Originally posted by Mandalorian54
Who doesn't watch cartoons.

Man ya gotta love spunge bob and Futurama.

Futurama is great I like Bender - "Bite my metal shiny arse!"