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View Full Version : Funniest quotes you've heard on the internet?


Guardian Omega
03-02-2004, 12:16 AM
Wrong. There are billions of girls on the internet. It's just that they are all in .jpg form-some guy on LUE, GameFAQS's nuttiest and most disruptive board.

-=DarkZero=-
03-03-2004, 01:28 AM
IF I PUT FOOD UP MY ASS? WILL I CRAP OUT MY MOUTH? says:

ET Warrior
03-03-2004, 01:30 AM
Gay bashing is for homos, you fag.

-=DarkZero=-
03-03-2004, 01:33 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior

Lmfao! Rofl that's a good one, omg.

Jedi Luke
03-03-2004, 07:20 AM
If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

IG-64
03-03-2004, 07:41 AM
Originally posted by Jedi Luke
If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

lmao, that makes absolutely no sence. :lol:

Boba Rhett
03-03-2004, 07:45 AM
"In retrospect, my 7th grade plan of accumulating as much knowledge about LOTR and Star Wars as a way to meet girls...probably not the best idea." - Probably said by many of us. :D


"By the way, how does it feel to know that a bunch of perverts with highly developed hand muscles and too much time on their hands are all drooling over you?" - Said my a random person on a guitar forum I visit, after a teenage girl posted her picture. :D

Hiroki
03-03-2004, 07:48 AM
Well, I had one, but my new one is the one ET Warrior just posted! :D Let me write it again, so that we may all bask in its hilarity.

"Gay bashing is for homos, you fag." :D *laughs his ass off* Thanks for that, ET Warrior. :)

Guardian Omega
03-06-2004, 06:18 AM
Funny story and moral.:D

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Pie™
03-06-2004, 01:53 PM
Originally posted by Dante Vandetta.
IF I PUT FOOD UP MY ASS? WILL I CRAP OUT MY MOUTH? That SOuth Park episode was killer!
:rofl:

Great story Guardian Omega :lol:

Jed
03-06-2004, 07:21 PM
Originally posted by Guardian Omega
Funny story and moral.:D

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


*rolls around on the floor laughing so hard he cries*

BEST STORY EVAR

obi
03-06-2004, 07:40 PM
This isn't off of the internet, but I found it funny. It's from the Clint Eastwood movie "Heartbreak Ridge." Clint's character, and one of his black soldiers are walking to his truck. The black soldier says:

"Hey man, what's 12 inches long and white? NOTHING! HA HA!"

Clint responds-

"What's black and bleeding if it doesn't shut it's face?"

jebbers
03-06-2004, 07:48 PM
guardian omega that is awesome...you should have been like no time for condoms! and ran up the steps....but the dad prolly would have came up stairs and beat the crap out of you in the middle of gettin your freak on.... :fett:

Kylilin
03-06-2004, 10:31 PM
please read this, it's hysterical.http://www.8ballband.com/42/bloodninja.txt

Pie™
03-06-2004, 10:31 PM
Originally posted by jebbers
guardian omega that is awesome...you should have been like no time for condoms! and ran up the steps....but the dad prolly would have came up stairs and beat the crap out of you in the middle of gettin your freak on.... :fett: Uh.... :eyeraise:
You do realise that that isn't something he's experienced?
I think i've seen it on a joke site before...

Handorin
03-06-2004, 10:49 PM
LOL that story was off of ebaumsworld.com read it b4.

qoute by many: IM NOT A NEWB U NEWB!

Pie™
03-06-2004, 11:06 PM
Originally posted by Kylilin
please read this, it's hysterical.http://www.8ballband.com/42/bloodninja.txt :rofl:
:lol:
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him. Damn that's great!!! :D
:rofl:

ZBomber
03-06-2004, 11:42 PM
My new favorite quote:

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this **** is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the **** is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. *****.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

TiE23
03-06-2004, 11:51 PM
Originally posted by Kylilin
please read this, it's hysterical.http://www.8ballband.com/42/bloodninja.txt
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!ROFLM FAO!!!!!!!
That is so f*cking funny! Some people are so weird.... I like the ending of the Pizza devivery guy, that was so sick! :lol:

TiE

ET Warrior
03-07-2004, 12:09 AM
Blood Ninja is classic funny.

TheHobGoblin
03-07-2004, 03:20 AM
I remember someone told a troll something like " We need a mod to....
FINISH HIM..... BANALITY



yes 1000 POST I'm free!

ET Warrior
03-07-2004, 05:36 AM
Originally posted by Hiroki
Thanks for that, ET Warrior. :)

You welcome.

Guardian Omega
03-07-2004, 07:15 AM
Found another one, this time an All your base parady

In A.D. 1945 war was ending...

Emperor Hirohoto: "What happen?
Hideki Tojo: "Somebody set up us the Atom bomb."
Japanese Soldier:"We get flash of blinding light."
Emperor Hirohoto: "What!"
Hideki Tojo:"Main screen turn on."
Emperor Hirohoto:"It's you !!"

Harry Truman: "How are you gentlemen !!"
Harry Truman:"All your islands and emperor are belong to US."
Harry Truman: "You are on the way to destruction."
Emperor Hirohoto"What you say !!"
Harry Truman: "You have no chance to survive make your time."
Harry Truman: "We had the bomb and had no doubt we would use it. Ha ha ha ha... "
Hideki Tojo: "Emperor !!"
Emperor Hirohoto:"Take off every kamikaze!!"
Emperor Hirohoto:"You know what you doing."
Emperor Hirohoto: "Crash into that aircraft carrier kamikaze."
Emperor Hirohoto: "For great justice."

GonkH8er
03-07-2004, 02:32 PM
http://www.bash.org has one of the funniest collection of internet quotes on the net..... most are from chat rooms :)

for example :P

-----------------------

#4281 +(7688)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#5273 +(7683)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#23396 +(6660)- [X]

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE **** UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

#99060 +(6110)- [X]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

#5300 +(5596)- [X]

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

--------------------


and my personal favourite :)


--------------------

#23601 +(3229)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

---------------


but yeah, theres some great ones there... check it out... in the top 100 and 100-200




-------------

#83627 +(2352)- [X]

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

-------------

TheHobGoblin
03-07-2004, 02:33 PM
I'm not a newb I'm a human being!

GonkH8er
03-07-2004, 02:38 PM
heh... ahhh.... good times :)



-------------

#1964 +(2088)- [X]

[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches english?
[01:35] (hilo21) **** you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my ass, but can't read the road signs to get to my house?

-------------

Alegis
03-07-2004, 02:46 PM
bloodninja is hilarious..i remember it slightly

some quotes

"A wise man once said, do not eat yellow snow"

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
--George Muncaster

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. "

"When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken "

SkinWalker
03-07-2004, 07:06 PM
I remember a pre-internet tagline in someones email over FidoNet (allright, so I'm old):

"I shat the sheriff, but I did not pass the deputy."

TheHobGoblin
03-07-2004, 07:14 PM
anyone remember the ultimate insult thread I posted?

Sivy
03-10-2004, 02:08 PM
Originally posted by GonkH8er
http://www.bash.org has one of the funniest collection of internet quotes on the net..... most are from chat rooms :)


:lol: thats a great site


<Slasher> Remember that some of us have a social life...
<Crusher> Social life? Where can I download that?
-------------------------------
<WillaCuz> shervin did u say u had a woman?
<shervin> WillaCuz: yeah but its losing pressure, i think it has a hole or something
-------------------------------
<[S]evered> UT has s@#t framerate
<[S]evered> how do I fix it?
<stoldark> [S]evered: i believe UT has an uninstall option
-------------------------------
<Summoner> UNIX IS user friendly, it's just very choosy about who it calls a friend.
--------------------------------
<FrostyNerv> when building a pc whats the name of that anti static wrist band thing?
<Darkcyde> an anti-static wristband?
--------------------------------
<skatoni> will some one please help
<shev> ya?
<skatoni> there is a guy hacking into my computer
<shev> unplug your modem
<skatoni> how?
<shev> see those wires behind your computer?
<shev> rip'em all out
*** skatoni has quit IRC (Read error to skatoni[ppp012.rosenet.net]: Connection reset by peer)
-------------------------------------
<brainbox> Xuberant, please, check your keyboard for stuck keys
<brainbox> you've clipped Retard-Lock or something
-------------------------------------
<elitotaco> ok
<elitotaco> ive got to go finish cleaning my room
<elitotaco> or else i cant go camping
<-- elitotaco has quit ()
<asshat> OMG what a loser
<asshat> gtg moms calling


i could read these for hours.... and i think i will too

Pie™
03-10-2004, 03:05 PM
Originally posted by Siv
i could read these for hours.... and i think i will too It gets boring after 3-4 hours :p
literally

Sivy
03-10-2004, 03:27 PM
these two actually made me snort...


<Hvatti> MY CAPS-LOCK IS ON AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT OFF.. CAN ANYONE HELP ME???
<[DoD]Xiao> typ capslock button :P
<aegis> Hvatti: hold down shift while writing instead...^^
<Hvatti> hey that shift-thing works thx!!!
<Hvatti> but it*s pretty difficult to write while holding a shift:::
<Lilly-> omg
<Lilly-> Hvatti find "caps lock" key and press it once
<Lilly-> number 3 from bottom left
<Hvatti> where can i find it
<Tiger> hehe :D
<aegis> at the left of your keyboard
<Hvatti> ok thanx::
<Hvatti> YES IT WORKED!!!
<Lilly-> aamm
<aegis> apparently it didn't
<Lilly-> lol
<Hvatti> CAN I NOW RELEASE THE SHIFT?
<aegis> yes
<aegis> you have to release the shift.
<Lilly-> omg how sweet !!
<Hvatti> like this?
* Lilly- faints
<aegis> yep, just like that

-----------------------------

(Elim) bah had to do finals today....finals there like sex, i get done to quick, and i sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong...

IG-64
03-10-2004, 04:17 PM
ROFL (http://www.bash.org/?240044)

Ziechel
03-10-2004, 06:19 PM
Lol guardian omega BEST STORY EVER!!!! I laughed about 2 minutes... :D

Sivy
03-11-2004, 03:44 PM
more funnehs from bash.org...



<Jack> I hit a new low today
<Jack> I claimed lag when I tipped over a cup as I was reaching for it
<Jack> out loud.

<Prtygrrl> what does OMG mean?
<gi> Oh my god.
<Prtygrrl> well escuse me for being a little newbie, mr. oh-im-so-1337.
<gi> What?
<Prtygrrl> you know, you dont have to be so mean. i hope you fall and hurt yourself reallyreally bad.

MouLDY_LLaMa is now known as JohnnyDepIsCrap
<JohnnyDepIsCrap> :
<I_Am_Great> you spelt it worn
<I_Am_Great> g
<I_Am_Great> *worng
<JohnnyDepIsCrap> i know
<I_Am_Great> *wrtong
<I_Am_Great> *wrong
<I_Am_Great> damn
<JohnnyDepIsCrap> hahaha
<I_Am_Great> talk about spelling thing worng
<I_Am_Great> f**k!


<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say




edit: lol, i didn't know < & P made <P

edit: ok now i'm comfused

Boba Rhett
03-11-2004, 03:47 PM
Bwahahahaha. That last one needs to be in a movie.

Ziechel
03-11-2004, 04:08 PM
loL this is really funny... I usúally dont get that far.. hrhr have to try that out

Ziechel
03-11-2004, 04:34 PM
<Toller> hey jaimer
<jaimer> hey
<Toller> i loves you sweet ass, baby
<jaimer> excuse me?
<Toller> we gonna get together an **** tonight
<Toller> right?
<jaimer> You stupid ****
<Toller> ?
<Toller> What?
<jaimer> This is toby johnson, right
<Toller> you know it is, duh.
<jaimer> I'm doing tech support on Jamie's computer
<jaimer> I'm her father, you little ****
<Toller> hah!
<Toller> what's
<Toller> your joking right/
<jaimer> I am. I know where you live. I'm coming over to your house now. Don't try to run, I'll find you.
<Toller> Jamie, it's not funny
<Toller> Jaime?
<psmylie> You're screwed, dude. Her dad's psycho
<Toller> ****
<Toller> ****!
<psmylie> best run, boy
*** Toller has quit IRC (Quit: )
<psmylie> You're an evil bitch, Jamie.
<jaimer> lol
<psmylie> brilliant... but evil
<jaimer> he's an ******* anyways

lol sry 4 posting twice

Darth Groovy
03-15-2004, 09:44 PM
Arguing on the internet is like the special olympics. Even if you win, your still retarded.

It's old, but it still works on so many levels.;)

_PerfectAgent_
03-16-2004, 12:52 AM
<Fireslide> next person to talk after his line will be kicked :)
<Fireslide> *this
* Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
<sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
<Fulgore> **** you
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to name my kids Control, Alt, and Delete. If they ever get to be a problem I'll just hit them all twice. Problem solved.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seijurro1234: IM NOT ON AOL .. IM ON AMERICA ONLINE
Seijurro1234: RETARD
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was playing Counter Strike and I accidentally ran over my whole team with a tank. I got booted off the server :(

Ziechel
03-16-2004, 01:07 PM
<sjh> I'm bored, someone entertain me.
* GeminiGirl hands sjh a pretty girl to play with
<sjh> What's her name?
<GeminiGIrl> candy
<sjh> Candy is a sluts name.
<GeminiGirl> um... natalie then
<sjh> I only know one Natalie, and she's a stupid bitch
<GeminiGirl> :/ my name is natalie
<sjh> Yeah, I know. You're the only Natalie I know.



LOOOOL