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NiKo
05-09-2004, 07:32 AM
tomorrow morning i have a meeting with the army shrink, where i have to convince them that i'm not meant for the army

I have huge mutant butterflies flying around my stomach!

(and that really upsets my gas)

Jedi-Monkey
05-09-2004, 09:27 AM
If they do that thing where they show you pictures and ask what you think it is always say GUNS!
You might get a transfer to America but it'll be fun.

(Why do I sense that comment may cause anger)

Zoom Rabbit
05-09-2004, 03:56 PM
Here is some advice. :max:

Approach 1: Aliens are controlling me with brain rays coming from the moon, so unless you want a security breach, you'd better just let me line my helmet with tinfoil.

Approach 2: My god you're sexy for a shrink! (Wank furiously. Even more effective if the shrink is male.)

Approach 3: I want to transfer to the medical brigade so I can be with my lifelong passion: groovy, groovy drugs. Say, you don't happen to have any anti-psychotics on you now, do you?

Approach 4: I'm not doing this interview without my teddy bear.

Approach 5: Why do they keep issuing me this small caliber crap? I'm going to need at least a fifty-cal to deal with those giant hairy bats in the parking lot.

Approach 6: You got the wrong guy. You don't understand! I'm actually Neil Joshi, and I'm british! I just woke up this morning in Niko's body...why don't you believe me?

:D Any of these should serve to disqualify you from military service.

Joshi
05-09-2004, 03:57 PM
You're nervous? That's perfect! Nervous people aren't meant to handle guns, you'll end up shooting your commanding officer before you get off the ground (you know what I mean). Best thing to do is imagine the guy who's interviewing you has just seen you in your underware. And you can't remember if you washed out the skid marks or not. And you've got this terrible feeling that the more he looks at you, the more he wants to put you in the front line.
But the more nervouse you are, the more you'll fail, and the more you fail the more they send you back to your home in disgrace!

Oh, and WB man!

Now go out there, and fail like a man!

peace
Joshi
;)

Thrik
05-09-2004, 05:44 PM
Just don't go overboard with the insanity act. You'll end up in a nuthouse.

JofaGuht
05-09-2004, 06:00 PM
Just constantly try to organize and clean things in the office that you'll be interviewed in. Stare at a blinking light in the office for an hour and then ask the guy everything he just said.

In the US, all we got to do is tell them we're gay.

simian
05-10-2004, 07:22 AM
You must of worked out your strategy about what you are going to say. You also know better than us what signs they are looking for to give you a discharge. They probably will be looking for signs of stress/anxiety and depression. Modern (and smart) armies do not want soldiers with these symptoms on the front line, it's bad for morale and it spreads.

I agree with the others - don't go overboard trying to put on a show - you are better of looking nervous (which is genuine anyway). The things they will be looking for (apart from what you say) is your body language. Key things during the interview are eye contact (or lack of it) and posture, plus giveaway mannerisms such as wringing of hands.

Signs of stress and depression include severe apathy, lack of energy, tiredness, disrupted sleep, not taking part in social activities, and in severe cases, panic attacks (hyperventillation). They will probably ask if you have had thoughts of self harm.

Anyway good luck - I hope it works out well.

DrMcCoy
05-10-2004, 02:44 PM
smart armies?
wait...

that must be an - what was that word again? - oxymoron...

;)

SkullHW™
05-10-2004, 03:57 PM
I dont wanna fight the army, so when the High Theocrat asks me to join, i just pretend i'm Bin Laden and they shoot me right away.



Problem solved.

Guybrush122
05-10-2004, 05:42 PM
g'luck bro...may a clear mind be with you.

Skinkie
05-10-2004, 10:37 PM
No, cloudy mind, that way they won't want you.

DrMcCoy
05-11-2004, 06:30 AM
i'm glad that this is different in germany...
there's a great chance that they don't want me, because i'm overweight, blind as a bat without my glasses and my back isn't exactly like it should be (that's maybe because i'm sitting in front of my computer the whole day)...
i'm 18 and the day they will check my health isn't that far away anymore (only half a year or so, maybe a bit longer)...

Guybrush122
05-11-2004, 07:02 AM
so niko...tomorrow is today.


howd it go?

Sivy
05-11-2004, 07:18 AM
sing all your answers, alternate between a man’s voice and a woman’s voice and take a bow after each one.
then ask if you can go to the toilet, but don't move... just close your eyes for a minute take a sign of relief and then say 'thank you.'
then ask if you can have a glass of water, but don't drink it... put the glass and the contents into your pocket.
and another thing, don't look at him… always talk over his shoulder.

Alien426
05-11-2004, 10:32 AM
Originally posted by DrMcCoy
i'm glad that this is different in germany...
there's a great chance that they don't want me, because i'm overweight, blind as a bat without my glasses and my back isn't exactly like it should be (that's maybe because i'm sitting in front of my computer the whole day)...
You'll probably be mustered "4". The German Bundeswehr ain't that bad. There's no one around who wants to shoot you (just beat you really hard). I was at the Luftwaffe (anti-aircraft missiles) and I didn't do any mud-crawling after basic training.

NiKo
05-11-2004, 01:49 PM
i think it went well.
when i stepped in there i was so nervous and insecure, i've never seen myself that way
heh, i was shaking like hell, and started stuttered a lot. and started playing with pens and stuff and tried not to look the shrink (it was a girl) in the eyes.

we started talking, and a lot of childhood traumas came up and stuff. i think i amazed her:D
i'll be seing her again together with my mom next week.


she asked me an awfull lot of questions about masturbation:Prplgh:

anyways, dont worry guys. i'm not trying to act insane or anything
i'm just being honest about my feelings, and how i shouldnt be in the army

Joshi
05-11-2004, 02:38 PM
Originally posted by NiKo

she asked me an awfull lot of questions about masturbation:Prplgh:


You never masturbate! I'm not saying that as fact, just tell her that. She probably won't believe you but you gotta try and convince her as masturbation is meant to relax you which is probably why she asked. Say it's a sin in your religion or something. That never fails.

If all else fails, just start in the middle of the session... okay so I'm joking and that's sick, I'll go to bed now and think about football just to even things out.

NiKo
05-11-2004, 06:58 PM
i told her that my mind isnt into sex since i've recruited...:rolleyes:


riiiight

Kjølen
05-11-2004, 07:41 PM
Thrik, you said if he went insane, he's be sent to a nuthouse, which is WHY we want himt to act insane: They'll bring him back to LucasForums in no time with the other mentally-carrotheads.
Yeah, I said carrtheads. But if they send him to a nuthouse, most likely it would be Aresen.....

Guybrush122
05-11-2004, 10:17 PM
well im glad it all went well. as for masturbation, my shrink asked me a lot about that too.

"...ever tried to masturbate publicly?"
"...ever try to whoosawhat?"
"you know, during classes or something?"
"erm, no."
"good."
"...how could someone pull that off during a class, anyway?"
"no pun intended?"





ehehehe. he was a funny shrink, but his last name was Hurtz (oh yes, im serious).

Alien426
05-12-2004, 01:42 AM
Just tell them your nickname is Master Bater.

    COWBOY
"Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical."
    JOKER
"What was the matter with him?"
    COWBOY
"He was jerkin' off ten times a day."
    EIGHTBALL
"It's no ****. At least ten times a day."
    COWBOY
"Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy ****er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division."
-- Full Metal Jacket

Kryllith
05-13-2004, 04:45 PM
Tell them that you want to be a pirate and challenge them to insult sword fighting...

Yufster
05-13-2004, 06:10 PM
But it's so EASY to pretend to be gay...

Your Eurovision Entry SUCKS by the way. REAL bad.

I hope you get out the army!

NiKo
05-14-2004, 06:30 AM
Oh, so when it sucks, its suddenly MY eurovision entry?

i didnt even watch that crap anyway to be honest

Joshi
05-14-2004, 02:51 PM
Originally posted by Yufster
But it's so EASY to pretend to be gay...

Your Eurovision Entry SUCKS by the way. REAL bad.

I hope you get out the army!

it6 can't be quite so bad as last yeasr geminii by our one and only England. Tally Ho fellows! and other misconseptions.

DrMcCoy
05-17-2004, 02:07 PM
Originally posted by Yufster
Your Eurovision Entry SUCKS by the way. REAL bad.

you forget one thing... the eurovision isn't about music... it's about which countries like each other and which don't...
i know, it's sad...