PDA

View Full Version : you know what makes me laugh?


Sivy
07-02-2004, 09:36 AM
jokes...

especially funny ones, or even extremely bad ones.

"why don't you make a new Joke Thread?" i hear you ask...

well what you do you think this is? dumbass.

welcome to the new and approve - or improved, whatever - official Joke Thread!

bring on the funneh! :D


here's a couple to get you in the mood...

tonto and the lone ranger were riding across the prairie. then tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. he looked at the lone ranger and said, "buffalo come."
the lone ranger looked at him and said, "wow, that's amazing! how did you figure that out?"
tonto looked at the lone ranger and said, "ear sticky!"

a boy from france comes to america. he wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. then he goes home and says, ''mommy, i learned new words today.'' she says, "great, honey what did you learn?" he says, ''takeoffzebrababy!

Sabretooth
07-02-2004, 09:46 AM
I know a good one!

A woman dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks her, "Welcome to Heaven! To enter, just spell LOVE."
The woman says, "L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomes her. Over the years, St. Peter has to go to a meeting of Saints and Holy people, so he leaves this woman in charge of the gate. Soon, her husband arrives.
She asks him how he died. He replied, "After your death, I fell in love with a nurse, who was hell-rich. We went on a world tour, and as I was skiing on the Alps, I banged my head on a rock."
The woman says calmly, "Spell Czechoslovakia."

:lol:

Astrotoy7
07-02-2004, 10:14 AM
This girl was throwing a dress up party. She made it a rule that you could only get in if you dressed as a mood or emotion....

the night of the party came. most people came wearing blue, saying at the door "ive got the blues...." to explain the emotion related to what they were wearing.

halfway into the party, these two jamaican guys decide to crash the party.. both come to the door utterly naked, except one has his willy in a pear, the other has his in a bowl of custard.....

so the guy at the door was looking a bit shocked, he says, "what emotion are you two supposed to be...."

the first jamaican responds(please put on jamaican accent when you say these) "I am in dis'pair man" (ie. I am in despair)

the guy at the door was pretty impressed, he says to the other jamaican, "and what about you...."

the second jamaican says "I am f**king dis'custard" (ie. I am F*n disgusted)

:p

mtfbwya

Sivy
07-02-2004, 12:03 PM
good ones :D

some more...


how many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

15, you gotta problem with that?!



Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? hang on...Is this 854-7039?"



What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told!

Black Knight of Keno
07-02-2004, 12:15 PM
A Hell's angel came to the gates of heaven with his motorcycle. On the gates, St. Peter stops him and says: "This is heaven, you can't bring your bike here"
So the Hell's angel left his bike outside the gates and walked inside heaven with St. Peter. After a long walk with St.Peter, the Hell's angel heard a Harley Davidson. Soon a long haired man went past them with a Harley Davidson. The Hell's angel looked at St. Peter and asked who was that man.
St. Peter looked at the man and answered: "Sorry, boss's son"

[J/K]

BongoBob
07-02-2004, 12:17 PM
hehe...

Ok, so an average joe, George Dubya(Not a bush bashing joke, I promise), and Osama Bin Laden are walking in a desert when they come across a Magic Lamp. He says, "I will grant 3 wishes. One for each of you." So the first guy wishes for money at his house and leaves. Now it's just Dubya and Bin Laden. George can't make up his mind, so he asks the genie to come back to him after Osama makes his wish. So Bin Laden says to the genie, "I wish for a big wall around Afghanistan. 1000 ft high. 200 feet underground. 30 feet across. A completely unpenetrable wall." So the genie grants his wish, and comes back to Bush. He says, "Ok, I've made up my mind. That huge wall you just granted bin laden. It's completely inpenetrable, right?" "Well yes," the genie replied, "Nothing can get in or out." "Ok then." replies dubya.

"Fill it with water."

:D

jebbers
07-02-2004, 04:31 PM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
:lol:


I like this one mainly cuz a Native American Indian(not Navajo tho)

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."



Some questions that are amusing(to me at least)


How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
:eek: :eek:


If you re-arrange the letters you can spell some cool stuff

GEORGE BUSH : When you rearrange the letters : HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST : : EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the! Grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
:lol: :rofl: :lol:

Acrylic
07-02-2004, 06:20 PM
@ Chase : I didnt understand any of the ones you posted.

BongoBob
07-02-2004, 07:06 PM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
I once successfully hypnotised myself. When I woke up I found myself naked on my couch holding a bucket of chicken. I said to myself, "Cool!".

:rofl:

Complete and total randomness.

:rofl:

SeleneRayne
07-02-2004, 10:00 PM
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde are walking in the desert and despretley want to get out. They come across a magic lamp. They all rub it and a magic genie pops out and tells them they each get only one wish. The brunette saids, "I wish I were home." And magically she's gone. The redhead saids," I wish I were in my bedroom, on my bed." And she magically disappears. The blonde saids, "I wish my friends were here."

Guy walks into a bar, saids, "Ouch."

Bacon and eggs walk in to a bar, bartender saids, "We don't serve breakfast."

A hot looking women walks into a bar. She uses the restroom, and comes back out, and asks to see the bartender. She wants to know where the manager is. The bartender is unsure. She starts getting really flirty with him, touching his face, his ears, his neck. The bartender is enjoying himself. Then she starts popping her fingers into his mouth and he's sucking on them, one by one. She leans over the counter and whispers sensually into his ear, "Tell the manager that the womens restroom is out of soap."

MennoniteHobbit
07-02-2004, 10:30 PM
welcome to the new and approve official Joke Thread!

I think you mean "improved". ;)

Umm I don't know any good quotes now, come back to me on this! :p

Acrylic
07-03-2004, 12:37 AM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
That's what so funny about it.




The first one is funny because it's just a random thought that make you go WTF? and laugh.
For the second one act like you're grabing some breasts and say honk honk to yourself. Then you'll get it.
For the hillbilly one because on the southern accent the word 'idea' sounds like 'I.D.'.

Oooh, ok, I get em now. But like, the first one was too random. Sounds like something I would say. And even I dont understand my own humor.

Lightsaberboy
07-03-2004, 12:50 AM
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for and enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Darth Homer
07-03-2004, 03:39 AM
I went to the 24 hour store the other day and there was a guy outside locking the door. I asked, "Hey, aren't you open 24 hours?" He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

I put brick wallpaper over my real brick walls. Now when I have people over I can say, "Touch it, it feels real."

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Boycott shampoo! Demand real poo!

What happens if you're scarred half-to-death twice?

If you must choose between two evils, take the one you've never tried before.

all shamelessly stolen from Steven Wright

---------------------------------------------------

A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender sees it and yells, "HEY! We don't serve your kind here!" A little later another piece of rope walked into the bar. Again, the bartender yelled, "HEY! We don't serve your kind here!" The two pieces of rope met up outside and devised a plan to get in. They loosed their ends a bit, tied themselves together and strode back into the bar. The bartender saw them and said, "HEY! Are you rope?" They responded, "Nope FRAYED KNOT!"

---------------------------------------------------

If you're canoeing through the desert and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fix the shingles on a dog house?

None, because ice cream doesn't have bones.

---------------------------------------------------

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, they'll just redefine Darkness as the new industry standard.

How many tech support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
- That depends, have you tried "the switch?" I want you to go over the the wall and see if you can find...

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- CHANGE?!?!?

BongoBob
07-03-2004, 04:26 AM
Originally posted by Darth Homer
If you're canoeing through the desert and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fix the shingles on a dog house?

None, because ice cream doesn't have bones.

Once again...

:rofl:

TOTAL RANDOMNESS!

:rofl:

Alegis
07-03-2004, 04:41 AM
Originally posted by MennoniteHobbit
I think you mean "improved". ;)
There is no "New and improved", if its somethign improved, its not something new.

Great jokes there


How many DBZ characters does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?


One, but it takes 3 episodes

CapNColostomy
07-03-2004, 04:45 AM
You know what makes me laugh?! Not copied and pasted crap from junk emails. Which is basicaly what everything in this thread is.

IG-64
07-03-2004, 04:56 AM
Originally posted by CapNColostomy
You know what makes me laugh?! Not copied and pasted crap from junk emails. Which is basicaly what everything in this thread is.

exactly, i've seen 95% of these jokes in other places. If it's really "new and improved" (which, it is "improved", btw) then ppl should make up their own jokes, or at least find some new ones somewhere else form the internet. And it should not only be a joke thread, but anything that makes you laugh, jokes, funny pics, even maybe some limricks and oximorons.

Now lets really bring on the funneh! :D

Sivy
07-03-2004, 05:04 AM
just for you then here's one i just copied and pasted this morning....

:D


ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man (_) other

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Kain
07-03-2004, 05:26 AM
Whats the difference between Micheal Jackson and a plastic bag.

One is white, made of plastic, and can harm children if they're left with it unattended. The other holds groceries.

A baby seal walks into a club.

Stu goes clubbing one night. He gets arrested 3 months later.

Sabretooth
07-03-2004, 06:52 AM
Bill Gates goes to heaven and is asked wether he wants to enter heaven or hell. Bill asks for a tour. He visits heaven, everything is blue, cloudy, peaceful, and there are angels singing etc. Then he goes to hell. He finds himself on a nice, sunny beach, with divers, surfers, babes etc. So when he is asked again, he chooses Hell. He finds himself in an inferno, brimstone, fire and demons everywhere, and Satan is looking down to him, grinning. He asks, 'But what happened to the beach?' Somebody replies, 'Sorry, That was just the demo version!'

Astrotoy7
07-03-2004, 08:48 AM
Originally posted by CapNColostomy
You know what makes me laugh?! Not copied and pasted crap from junk emails. Which is basicaly what everything in this thread is.

thats the worst joke Ive ever heard, cap ! :p

mtfbwya

IG-64
07-03-2004, 09:35 AM
Originally posted by sabretooth
Bill Gates goes to heaven and is asked wether he wants to enter heaven or hell. Bill asks for a tour. He visits heaven, everything is blue, cloudy, peaceful, and there are angels singing etc. Then he goes to hell. He finds himself on a nice, sunny beach, with divers, surfers, babes etc. So when he is asked again, he chooses Hell. He finds himself in an inferno, brimstone, fire and demons everywhere, and Satan is looking down to him, grinning. He asks, 'But what happened to the beach?' Somebody replies, 'Sorry, That was just the demo version!'

I thought the joke was "That was the screen saver."

Sabretooth
07-03-2004, 10:10 AM
Originally posted by IG-64
I thought the joke was "That was the screen saver."

It was demo when I read it

MennoniteHobbit
07-03-2004, 11:16 AM
Originally posted by Siv
just for you then here's one i just copied and pasted this morning....

:D


ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man (_) other

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

I've seen something like that quote before- a friend of mine printed something like that off of a joke site.

Doomie
07-03-2004, 11:19 AM
A man goes trough a large tunnel, and at the end he is stopped by the cops. A cop tells to him: 'You are the 100th person to go trough this tunnel, and therefore we will give you $1000,- !'
'Great, now i can finally take driving lessons!' The man replies. His wife quickly says: 'Don't mind him, he always says things like that when he's drunk.' Then grandma wakes up in the back of the car, and when she sees the cop, she says: 'I told you a stolen car wouldn't get us very far!' :D

And one similar to the last one...

A man goes to hell. He is given the choice between heaven and hell, and , like ol' billy, he takes a tour first.
So he looks a t heaven. Everybody is sitting on a cloud, just being bored out of their minds, not doing anything at all. Then, in hell, he sees a nice little bar, everybody is drinking beer, chatting, and they're all very happy, noly they're standing in the sh*t up to their shoulders. So the man thinks a while and decides to go to hell. When the door closes behind him, he hears the devil say: 'Alright, our monthly break is over, go stand on your hands again!':p

EDIT: Alright, know another one. Three people are given the death sentence. They will be shot in front of a wall (Forgot the word for it). So the first one stands in front of the wall, and he shouts: 'Hurricane! Hurricane! Look out behind you!' The soldiers that were supposed to shoot him look around and he quickly hops over the wall. The second one stands in front of the wall. He shouts: 'tidal wave! behind you!' And when the soldiers look around, he runs away. Then the third one must stand in front of the wall. He tries to think of something to shout, but he can't think of something. As the soldiers prepare to shoot, he quickly shouts: 'Fire! Fire! Fire dammit!'

El Sitherino
07-03-2004, 12:28 PM
http://www.boomspeed.com/insanesith/omg.jpg

Publice Service Announcement 1 (http://www.boomspeed.com/insanesith/PSA1.jpg)

Public Service Announcement 2 (http://www.boomspeed.com/insanesith/PSA2.jpg)

Noodleboy 1 (http://www.boomspeed.com/insanesith/noodleboy1.jpg)

Noodleboy 2 (http://www.boomspeed.com/insanesith/noodleboy2.jpg)

*walks out* my work is done here.


I DO NOT COPULATE WITH TWINKIES!!!!!!!

ET Warrior
07-03-2004, 12:39 PM
Sith, those links were absolutely abysmal. I didn't even CHUCKLE. :disaprove

El Sitherino
07-03-2004, 12:52 PM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
Sith, those links were absolutely abysmal. I didn't even CHUCKLE. :disaprove :eek: YOU SUCKS!

Pie™
07-03-2004, 01:28 PM
Originally posted by InsaneSith
*walks out* my work is done here.


I DO NOT COPULATE WITH TWINKIES!!!!!!! :rofl:

I have them all in my 'NNY comics, but still makes me laugh! :D
Johnen Vasques pwns y00!

Daddy, please make him die! :D

El Sitherino
07-03-2004, 01:34 PM
Originally posted by Pie™
Daddy, please make him die! :D *pulls out gun and shoots noodleboy* BANG!

Doomie
07-03-2004, 02:19 PM
Is it coinicidence your avatars look so much alike?

Pie™
07-03-2004, 03:36 PM
Originally posted by Doomgiver
Is it coinicidence your avatars look so much alike? Nope, since we started going out and having sex we also decided that we should have happy noodle boy avatars :naughty:

Doomie
07-03-2004, 04:01 PM
:eek:

Black Knight of Keno
07-03-2004, 04:29 PM
You guy's are MMMWIERD...

El Sitherino
07-03-2004, 04:32 PM
Originally posted by Darth Tepe
You guy's are MMMWIERD... that's MMMWEIRD. ¬¬ f*cking frogs.

:p

Black Knight of Keno
07-03-2004, 05:52 PM
So says thou' with a HAPPY GABBAGE on his mind... :D

Topsshot
07-03-2004, 11:12 PM
Man, I've been through heck this week having to go to group with this 14-year-old punk that lives in my town. He thought he was all that. He was harrasing, no wait, scratch that. He was torturing me and a buddy of mine with all of this lame crap of his. Lies, insults, and pure determination to make us feel like we were kicked in the head by a thoroughbred racing horse. He was full of it. It was his own stupidity that ridiculed him at the end of the week, though. I just merely helped.

(No, I didn't kill him. I just showed him what he'd feel like when HE was humiliated in front of HIS own friends. The same kind of humiliation he did unto me. That was the 2nd time I'd had to deal with that kind of crap in my whole entire social real world life. And before anyone gives me a lecture on bullying, I already did talk with the proper authorities. While they disagreed that I shouldn't have "owned" him, they did agree with me that he really deserved what he got when he messed with the wrong guy.)

"It's always the nice ones that go psycho."- a quote from god knows what movie.