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Seph
07-19-2004, 06:01 AM
I'm writing a story that is at... deviant art (http://sega-shiro.deviantart.com/journal/) tell me what you think of it^^.

IG-64
07-19-2004, 06:19 AM
Its good, but the chapters seems a bit rushed, althogh it may seem pointless to drag some things out abit, it is needed for atmosphere and character builds. Other than that, some pretty good work.

Edit: for example. from chapter 3:
After Shiro walked around for a few moments and talking to some locals, he found out that the name of the town was Shinjazima, a nice town with a population of about 500.
now, it would be nicer if you actually had some convos between the locals and Shiro and what Shiro is thinking as he is walking around, ect. It makes for a nice long story without having to pack all of it with plotlines.

Astrotoy7
07-19-2004, 09:06 AM
Interesting. I would refine it a bit, similar to what IG suggests, but the premise is a nice one.... kepe up the nice work :D

mtfbwya

Seph
07-19-2004, 06:24 PM
thanks guy!:P i'm going to re release it with most the corrections and added convos and stuff like that after i finish it:P

Sabretooth
07-20-2004, 06:19 AM
Good work! Be sure to post it at the fanfic forum, for all our lazy members, i mean, 99% of members :D