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VampireNaomi
08-09-2004, 01:02 PM
My seeking of attention finally worked and someone gave me constructive criticism. So, I'll force another story upon you. Hahaha! :D

Come on, read it. It's short and will take only two minutes of your live. And if you have anything to say (especially if you can give me tips and point out flaws), say it!

WE PATHETIC FOOLS

"Give me the photo."

Nick's voice was as cold as the moonlight reflected by his gun. He stood in the night and the bright lamp of the lighthouse lit his figure regularly. Lola could barely look at the man and it wasn't because of the light.

"Never. Maximino deserves to know," she replied quietly, but with determination.

"Don't make this too difficult, Lola. You will have to give me what I want anyway," the lawyer said.

Lola chuckled and looked far away at the sea. Nick knew the woman could see nothing there and the movement just reflected her acceptance. Acceptance and bitterness.

"Or what? You'll shoot me? Is Nick Virago really going to get his hands dirty?" Lola asked.

"If I have to. I want that photograph."

"Nah, you need it. How funny, one small picture the size of a postcard is enough to make you nervous."

Now Nick wanted to glance at the sea too, but he kept his eye sockets locked to the woman who stood in front of him at the top of the lighthouse.

"The longer we talk the greater is the chance that I am going to have to shoot you," he stated.

"I know."

"You'll just have to give it to me."

Lola leaned back and tried to look relaxed.

"I don't have it with me. I hid it," she said. Nick snorted softly.

"You shouldn't have told me that. Now all I need is to shoot you and the photo will never be found," he said. His tone was dangerous, but Lola knew that the man wouldn't shoot her.

At least not yet.

She lifted her face and looked at him with defiance.

"What if I told about it to someone? What if someone else has seen it?" she asked.

"That would have been very stupid of you. Just like this whole little story. Do you honestly think Maximino would be interested in you if you showed him the photo?" Nick asked.

"I... How can I know if I don't try?" Lola asked losing her cool for a moment. Nick knew why the woman had done this and endangered herself, and though he despised her because of it he couldn't help but respect her a bit too.

"You can't be too sure of anything in this world, so it's the best if you don't try your luck," he said. Lola shrugged. That wasn't actually a line she would have expected to hear from Nick.

"She is not good for you," she said after a short silence.

"Who? Olivia?"

"You know who I am talking about. She doesn't really love you. Everything in this world -- Maximino, you, Rubacava, -- is just a game to her," Lola said quietly, almost whispering.

Nick made sure his hold on the gun was good.

"We agreed that love would never be part of our relationship," he said almost not noticing it. Why was he even talking to this photographer girl? He should have concentrated in the picture!

Lola looked at him and Nick could have sworn that an impish, almost malicious smile was playing on her bony face.

"And yet you fell in love with her. You fool," the woman said.

"Give me the picture. I don't have time for this," Nick said.

"Neither of us has time. You might not have understood it yet, but we are both fools. You say Maximino will never love me. I say Olivia is never going to feel anything towards you."

"The picture..."

"And yet we both are just as stupid and keep dreaming of something we can't have."

"Are you going to give me that photo or do I have to make you do it?" Nick asked finally losing his self-control. He always acted calm and rational, but now it was clear that he was nervous and in a hurry.

Lola shook her head.

"Neither of us is going to stop fooling around, as ridiculous as it is," she said and looked at Nick carefully. The man answered to her gaze and for a short moment they understood each other.

And then a shot echoed at the dock. If someone had been there he might have seen how a fool ran away from the lighthouse.

The End

Sallim
08-10-2004, 09:58 AM
This is really cool. Nick is a bit down, not so cool he would like to be. Seems that he is not a good laywer, probably he never was.

I like the character of Lola. Saying what shes thinking without a moment of fear. She knew the truth, about maxmiino and herself, but she wont to admit it. That makes her strong on one side, but very fragile on the other ( hope fragile is the right word )

The beginning of the story is well done, you tell the reader the setting, makes a cool atmosphere, especially this part ->
Nick's voice was as cold as the moonlight reflected by his gun.
Thats nice! ;)

( reminds me a bit of the beginning of Fightclub ^^ )

There could be a bit more tension towards the end of the story, that´s all my critic this time.

Very good character descriptions in a new situation->
She lifted her face and looked at him with defiance.

The ending is short, but thats good. Because of that you can almost feel the shot which show you the end of everything , even in the land of the dead.

Have a nice day...
Arthur

VampireNaomi
08-10-2004, 12:05 PM
Thanks! You don't know how much I appreciate your comments. :)

Sallim
08-10-2004, 12:49 PM
Oh Iam not sure...

Well Iam in an "Anime" Forum and they all hate me there for now reason lol

Anyway I think ppl with skill shpould get attention , and I try to be nice ;)

I think if you wait some days after the new site is launched, they will be more reactions, Iam sure ;)


Sorry for offtopic, argh.

VampireNaomi
08-10-2004, 02:17 PM
Huh? Why do they hate you? :confused: You seem really nice.

Sallim
08-10-2004, 03:36 PM
Thansk Naomi, this time I appreciate that too =)

I think its the difference of our ages. Iam 21 and these kids are max 16 years old.
And Iam a german, americans seem to dont like germans very much( from poland ) wtih bad english ;)

Maybe. Well..yes yes. Thats life ^_^

VampireNaomi
08-11-2004, 02:23 AM
Hm, stupid immature kids. Hopefully they'll grow out of it one day.

And believe me, your English is MUCH better than some Americans'. Have you ever taken a look at Pokémon forums somewhere online? Wow, what bad grammar.

Sallim
08-11-2004, 12:34 PM
I never have been at such Pokemon Forums, maybe that´s good. Thanks for the hint.
Maybe they got a wrong first impression and I should have lie about myself ;)

So you´re writing fanictions? Dou you have some more written allready? =)

VampireNaomi
08-11-2004, 03:03 PM
More? Yeah, sure. Some of my older stuff is pretty bad though.

My fics (http://www.fanfiction.net/~VampireNaomi)

I'll find the horrible Pokémon Forum again and tell you to stay out of it.

Sallim
08-11-2004, 04:29 PM
OH NICE 34 stories .. well I have to go sleep now, but toworrow after work I check them ;)


LOL ! "Fear of Pigeons" Sounds great just of the name of it ( ehm english gramma?! who knows...)

I sure will do. Iam more fan of a bit Anime for " adults". heh ;) No, no hentais Anime like , Ninja Scroll, Street Fighetr TAM, Tokyos Gpodfathers, Milleium Actress, Perfect Blue, Paranoia Agent, Kare Kano ..( of course many many more ) but at least my beloved
SLAM DUNK the BEST Anime about sports / Basket Ball

Really, its damn funny ...

Hehe sorry Iam in these "moments" again where I getting freaky again.

But fort all who want to know my true "me"
http://www-unix.oit.umass.edu/~thoureau/japanese.html
Tells you how Anime fans really are..^^

Sorry, kinda late..ahhhh..

Arthur

Gray Hound
08-12-2004, 01:41 PM
arwoof! that was great,it made all my fur stand up.you should write more!

a big friendly paw and snug to you Naomi!

VampireNaomi
08-15-2004, 02:52 AM
Heh, woof woof! :) Thanks for the nice comment.

Gray Hound
08-15-2004, 12:56 PM
arwoof! any time Naomi!:D

El Virus
10-06-2004, 09:55 AM
It's a bit late to post this, but well.
Great story, such as most of those you have written, it's a shame we never get to see more of Lola, she was a nice character. :D

Jerry
10-11-2004, 03:38 AM
Brilliant story! As soon as i get home from work i'll read your other stories also :)

morshem
10-11-2004, 11:51 AM
---> just read

Yeah, very nice indeed :)