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legameboy
08-12-2004, 12:15 AM
From Kontraband.com.

THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!)

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

El Sitherino
08-12-2004, 12:31 AM
ow, the ball washer one made my testicles hurt. ;_;

Anthony
08-12-2004, 12:35 AM
Oh my god. The last one is horrifying

Acrylic
08-12-2004, 12:39 AM
I've seen these before. Funny stuff though. Idiots.

jebbers
08-12-2004, 12:44 AM
i sit, read, and cringe in pain at the last one....


















i pat myself to see if my balls are still there.....

ET Warrior
08-12-2004, 01:26 AM
Good LORD, who would even think putting your balls in the ball washer is reasonable? Did he not understand how it worked?

;_;


I love the Darwin awards though, it makes me glad to not be as dumb as them :)

IG-64
08-12-2004, 01:58 AM
Originally posted by legameboy
[B]one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

Most likely the most painfull moment in his lifetime no doubt. I'm glad he wont be having any kids X)

Kain
08-12-2004, 02:15 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate humanity...


Expand your Imagi-Nation

Darth Groovy
08-12-2004, 04:34 AM
OMG legameboy, you ROCK!!!! I love the Darwin Awards!!!!

Sivy
08-12-2004, 06:24 AM
darwin awards rule

i got the 2002 darwin awards book for christmas a couple of years ago (2002 i think :D)
a couple of my favourites are... a guy who tried to rob a gun store (????), which had a police car parked outside.
also a guy who thought it would be funny to superglue himself to the back of a rhino. the results weren't pretty.

there are some stupid people out there, who i believe are only put on this earth to amuse us.

Darth Rythe
08-12-2004, 06:34 AM
I heard one about a couple of kids decided to play Russian Rulet with an Automatic Pistol:rolleyes:

Astrotoy7
08-12-2004, 09:19 AM
How 'bout this one...

Group of dudes think Iraq has WMDS, in an unprecented showing of political and diplomatic audacity, they circumvent the UN and launch an invasion on a third world country..... many months later, soldiers and contractors from all parts of the world are losing their lives due to this foolhardy quest, where it is becoming apparent that there were no WMDS to begin with.....

hilarious...isnt it :(

mtfbwya

Kain
08-12-2004, 01:24 PM
Originally posted by Astrotoy7
How 'bout this one...

Group of dudes think Iraq has WMDS, in an unprecented showing of political and diplomatic audacity, they circumvent the UN and launch an invasion on a third world country..... many months later, soldiers and contractors from all parts of the world are losing their lives due to this foolhardy quest, where it is becoming apparent that there were no WMDS to begin with.....

hilarious...isnt it :(

mtfbwya

I would laugh because that guy sounds like an idiot, but he's sending others to die, not himself or anyone from his drunken family...

...I ****ing hate Bush.


Expand your Imagi-Nation

PR-0927
08-12-2004, 03:40 PM
Originally posted by Kain
I would laugh because that guy sounds like an idiot, but he's sending others to die, not himself or anyone from his drunken family...

...I ****ing hate Bush.


Expand your Imagi-Nation


I agree all the way. Bush is a f*cking moron.


My balls too, hurt badly when reading the "winner." I'd say he lost...cause he lost his...yeah...

:fett:

Curt-Man
08-12-2004, 04:55 PM
OW FRICKIDY DOW! dat wood huwt, man, what an idiot, putting his balls in a ballwasher, i read thise one story of a guy would had shot himself in the balls with an industrial size nail gun, the doctors pulled out 7 rusty nails, ouchie.

wassup
08-13-2004, 01:11 AM
Sucks, the nominee list is all male. :(

Master_Keralys
08-18-2004, 01:24 AM
Pain, idiocy, and death..... bad combo.

I'm not even going to get into the Bush thing right now... except for the detail that (sorry, Astro, I will disagree with you on politics if nothing else) there have been WMD's found... like a saren gas bomb that had sufficient saren gas in it to wipe out about ten thousand people. They just screwed it up and US troops were able to disarm and disable it. Next point: Bush wasn't the only one who thought that Iraq had WMD's; everyone (including Clinton, Chirac, Putin of Russia, etc.) thought he did. Bush was just the only one willing to risk something for a possible threat. He didn't circumvent the UN; he went along with it for eight months longer than most of the "right-wing extremists" he's accused of being one of would have said he should... trying for resolution after resolution to back up another resolution he already had that said that the whole UN should have been backing up the US (anyone else remember UN Res. 1441?), etc.

But this really isn't the place for that, sorry... I'll go start another argument in the Senate if I feel up to it... but not now. Really, we should try to have one conversation about stupidity without bringing politics into it... (for which I'm as much at fault as anyone else, I'll gladly admit).

Anyway, all I can say is thank goodness that those guys are all out of the gene pool. And as far as their all being male - well, who does that really surprise? Even really stupid women aren't usually that stupid... (though I have seen a couple...)

Doomie
08-18-2004, 08:12 AM
we should try to have one conversation about stupidity without bringing politics into it...

Thank god you don't want it the other way around, it'd be impossible these days...


I believe they call this a 'ZING!'

Sabretooth
08-18-2004, 08:18 AM
People die...
Lives are lost...

People die...
Lives are saved...

People die...
WHO CARES?! THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

:rofl:

:rofl:

:rofl:

Rogue Nine
08-18-2004, 10:22 AM
Time to dispel a common misconception about Darwin Awards. To qualify for a Darwin, one only has to remove oneself from the gene pool. The most common way of doing this is, of course, by killing oneself in an extraordinary fashion. But there are cases where people recieve Darwins while alive. They simply mangled their reproductive systems so much so that they are unable to reproduce. Since they have effectively destroyed their capabilities to produce offspring, they qualify for Darwins. And they mostly win, as shown by the ball washer example.

*cringe* :eek:

CapNColostomy
08-19-2004, 02:36 AM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
Good thing that f***ing moron can't reproduce now. We don't need more idiots in the world. If he already had kids then I sure s hell hope they never reproduce.

Do you not see the folly in that statement? If stupid people stop giving us MORE stupid people, who will we point and laugh at? C'mon man, get with it already.

ET Warrior
08-19-2004, 03:21 AM
Originally posted by CapNColostomy
If stupid people stop giving us MORE stupid people, who will we point and laugh at?

You. :indif:






:p

CapNColostomy
08-19-2004, 03:56 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
You. :indif:






:p

See, I almost didn't post that reply, because I knew someone would say "You". But then I thought surely, SURELY TO GOD nobody would take such an obvious avenue for a lame joke. I have made a mistake. And I would like to appologize for it now.

kipperthefrog
08-27-2004, 06:04 PM
I don't quite beleive them! I don't think ANYONE could be THAT stupid or wierd.

c'mon! what man in the world would even THINK to dressing like a school girl put on a gas mask and hose his face up his behind?

It reminds me of the tabloids!

jokemaster
08-27-2004, 06:22 PM
Jeez, part of me knows people died and it shouldn't be funny, but the part of me that likes Roadrunner cartoons is laughing his ass off


And I still think bush is a ****in' moron, he exaggerated the WMDs part of Iraq, and went to war with almost zero international backing. Was Saddam a bad guy? Yes. Did he need to be removed from powere? Probably, was misleading the country, and sending the U.S. to a war that caused everyone else to think Americans are arrogant morons? No. I mean you guys thought that you should change the names of food because the french didn't want to go to war. I mean French Fries aren't even french for chrissakes!

IG-64
08-27-2004, 07:12 PM
Originally posted by jokemaster
I mean French Fries aren't even french for chrissakes!

They are actually, well, depending on how you look at it. They originally came from belgium, although no one really knows where they were invented. French fries were dubbed so by the American solgiers of World War 1 who recived the potatos that were prepared by the French.


*kisses google*

Guardian Omega
08-28-2004, 02:23 AM
I always loved the Darwin awards, though I still think dying by crap is tops em all!:D

ET Warrior
08-28-2004, 02:42 AM
Originally posted by CapNColostomy
See, I almost didn't post that reply, because I knew someone would say "You". But then I thought surely, SURELY TO GOD nobody would take such an obvious avenue for a lame joke. I have made a mistake. And I would like to appologize for it now.


And THAT is what you get for underestimating my extreme level of lame :D

Treacherous Mercenary
08-28-2004, 02:50 AM
I read this on another forum..... Made my cringe to say the least at the last bit...

:eek:

Hermie
08-28-2004, 04:13 AM
Im gonna have to try that gas mask thing once...

kipperthefrog
09-01-2004, 06:50 PM
Herminator_64 Im gonna have to try that gas mask thing once...

let me try to put this questin delicately and politely:

Aren't you afraid you're going to "releive gas" and pass out from the stench?