View Full Version : In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake

01-18-2000, 02:05 AM
This might liven up the forum, even just a little. Read the entire thing...then laugh.

Actual story from the LA Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

(addendum from the original author http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/smile.gif

O.K., here are the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story.

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."

9) "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaaahhhhhh.
I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6) People walking around with these volcanic like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiot white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

01-18-2000, 02:45 AM
Oh...my...*$!@!!!! (*completely speechless*)

01-18-2000, 03:58 AM
That is the third time I have heard that one. I am pretty sure it is true. Personally, I think it is hilarious. http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/smile.gif

Right is right even if nobody is doing it, and wrong is wrong even if everybody is doing it.
-St. Augustine

01-18-2000, 06:20 AM


Lt Guilo
01-18-2000, 11:16 AM
...Right. Like you never tried it.

Okay, just in case:

<font size="7">*(j\k)*</font>

01-18-2000, 11:25 AM
My 9 month old son loves playing with those card board tube that wrapping paper comes on but after hearing that story I just might have to take them away. http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/wink.gif

01-18-2000, 11:59 PM
If you believe this I have a bridge to sell ya...

01-19-2000, 12:24 AM
Is it in madison county?

01-19-2000, 01:46 AM
HAH! Would you look at that...it worked!
Hey, anyone got Xwing vs Tie fighter that they want to get rid of???(preferably w/ balance of power)

01-19-2000, 05:25 AM
Lieutenant: FLAME you, sir! Flame! Flame!

<font size=1> http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/biggrin.gif j/k...</font>

01-19-2000, 10:07 PM
I can see it now, a huge outcry..."FREE RAGGOT, FREE RAGGOT...FREE RAGGOT...but wait...What did they do with their free Willies?

Bill the Cat
P.S. Good for them it wasn't a wolverine!!!

[This message has been edited by Shootist (edited January 19, 2000).]

Lt Guilo
01-20-2000, 09:34 AM
Heh. Flame me, huh Imladil?

That must be why this thread seems to make me sweat bullets every time I read it... http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/biggrin.gif