PDA

View Full Version : Chili


Kint
09-14-2000, 05:57 PM
This will probably be censored by the board, and half the planet already heard it.

Subject: CHILI


>
>
> INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
>
> These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
> visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it:
>
> "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
> Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
> Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I
> happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
> the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a
> true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free
> beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
> beers when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
> pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
> chest. I'm getting ****-faced.
>
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
> refills; she's 300 lbs. but is starting to look HOT, just like this
> nuclear-waste I'm eating.
>
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> & 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
> when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
> my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming. Screw those
> rednecks!
>
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spice & peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
> Superb.
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> babe Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
> Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
> match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
> out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
> going to make it. Poor Yank.
>
> FRANK: --------------
> (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)
>


------------------
Moff Kint
Kint@videotron.ca


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

The Master
09-15-2000, 03:48 PM
Ya! I love it! To tell you the truth I hadn't heard that one before.