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steven
01-22-2005, 11:19 AM
This is a story where a group of aliens (from alien vs predator movies)
It's set 100 years after the battle of endor

Chapter one: Awaking
Location:Koriban
Garry Stevens and Grant Jones were off duti republic poilts who were looking for some adventure. They were both still wearing there poilt clothes. They were step brothers, same mom just different dads. They both had blond hair and the same style, short and spiky. There faces were roughly the same,expet there eyes.
They landed on Korriban and went into tombs hoping to find some artfact that was priceless.
"Hey Garry, give me a hand with the explosives" They were both outside an isloated tomb at a end of a canyon. They couldn't find anyway in expet to blow the door right off.
"sure thing Jones" After blowing there way in they'd looked into tomb, it was dark and damb, the floor was covered with dirt,mud and stones.
"that door was pretty weak"said Grant
"yeah. Usally it would take more than two explosives to take down a tomb door." replied Garry "Hey theres a room over there. Maybe theres some treasure!" They approched the room with care.
The room seemed to appear like the rest of the tomb, empty.
"Darn. No luck" said Garry disapointed throwing his blaster on the floor. As the blaster hit the stony floor a blaster bolt was fired, it went straight across the room and hit a statue smashing it to bits.
"great. Now what have u done?"Grant said wondering what was about to happen. What seemed to be an egg appeared in middel of the room
"Maybe the statue was a cloacking device" said Garry aproching the egg. The egg opened and without thinking garry looked inside it. a bug-like Creature leeped from the egg and attached itself from his face.
Grant isn't known for his braverly, as soon as he saw Garry hit the ground he ran out of the tomb as fast sa he could.



(i hope u guys like it)

ShadowTemplar
01-22-2005, 12:28 PM
Descriptions, fluff, capital letters. These are your friends, invite them over.

Seriously, though, you might concider fluffing it up a bit. Stating that the story takes place on Korriban is fine enough in and of itself, but a description of - say - the view from the spaceship window as the characters enter low orbit wouldn't hurt.

And physical descriptions. You may have a perfectly clear picture of the characters' appearances in your head, but the reader certainly hasn't. Likewise, the setting isn't terribly clearly painted. What does it look like in the tomb? How does it smell? Are there spooky echoes? Do the tomb raiders walk boldly or sneak through the shadows? How light or dark is there in the temple? All of these questions need answering.

- Templar

steven
01-24-2005, 07:01 AM
good advice. I've done some editting. I'll do the rest when i have time

Darth Rythe
02-13-2005, 12:49 AM
http://www.themanipulation.com/caculator.jpg

Seriously, you can do better than that, And...have you even seen the original Alien and Predetor movies?:xp:

The Drunk Lord
02-15-2005, 12:50 AM
I wouldn't say it was the worst story i've ever read, but it's close. You need bundles more desrciption. Don't use so much speech in the opening. If you do, get them to talk about their surroundings.

Redwing
02-15-2005, 10:10 AM
Originally posted by Darth Rythe
http://www.themanipulation.com/caculator.jpg

Seriously, you can do better than that, And...have you even seen the original Alien and Predetor movies?:xp:

Tthat is so NOT constructive advice and you know it. :xp:

Future posts like this will be edited out of the thread. :tsk:

Be nice :)

(Oh, and I've read FAR worse than this, for the record. Really, this just needs a bit of fixing up)

weiderudare
02-15-2005, 01:05 PM
I have read many things worse, and honestly, saying that it sucks, can really ruin the writers will of trying to improve..

I recommend spellingchecks, and yes, more about the enviroment..

It doesnt really take that long to add a bit of extra feeling, if you just picture it all in your head...
Like..
(tries to rewrite a part of it)

Korriban was quiet, deserted after its time of glory under the Sith rule. Hundreds of thousands of tombs, stretched over its sandy surface.
In the small canyon, two men were working with crates marked with big "DANGER!" signs, right in front of one of those tombs. Ageing and old the wall seemed, but robust and semmignly confident that nothing could break it down.
With a blast, it broke down, creating a huge cloud of dust.
The two men, smiling at each other looked into the darkness, as foul closed in air reached their nostrils.
"That was easier than I thought..."
"After you?"
They stepped into the darkness, not even shooting a glance back.



But then again, thats my style of writing, to keep all information from the reader except small bits that will make sense in the end.

The Drunk Lord
02-17-2005, 10:20 AM
Now that I like.

A well described image, that way, everyone can see what you can see.

Go on edit the post and then carry on, I'd quite like to see where the story's going