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GothiX
01-29-2005, 09:37 AM
Yeah, we're getting married, me and Mary. Haven't ever been happier in my life. She's just perfect, everything about her is. Only, there's one complication: Her younger cousin, Anne. She's gorgeous, and she knows she is. Mini-skirts, thongs, revealing T-shirts, she wears it all. And especially when she's around me, she finds a lot of excuses to bend over, which is quite tempting really. However, I'm a nearly-married man, and don't want to risk that!

The night before we're getting married, Anne calls. She says she has a problem with her washing machine, and asks me to come and help fix it. Of course, helpful as I am, I drive off, and not long thereafter, arrive at her house. There, I find her walking around in only underwear. She hugs me just a bit too tight, and whispers in my ear: "You. Me. Upstairs. Now." She walks up the stairs, and halfway up, already takes off her bra. I'm standing there, shocked, for a few seconds. As the shock fades away, I'm able to think clear again, and I directly walk outside, to my car. there, I find Mary's father, who embraces me, and says he's "Happy that I resisted the temptations, and am truly a good husband for his daughter".





Moral to the story? Always keep your condoms in your car!

Acrylic
01-29-2005, 09:49 AM
Old.

I remember it from a joke thread at gearlive.com

ET Warrior
01-29-2005, 10:05 AM
weak sauce! ;)


I believe obi already told that joke not too long ago....coulda been somebody else.....point is, this thread sucks :xp:



But I'll add a joke.


How did Helen Keller burn her hand?










She was trying to read the waffle iron

Mike Windu
01-29-2005, 10:19 AM
So many different versions of that joke going around for so long. :p

*stabs ET*

Boo. Hiss. Get off the stage! :D

Leper Messiah
01-29-2005, 11:20 AM
NEXT!!!

:p

IG-64
01-29-2005, 11:26 AM
Yeah, i've heard this too.

shukrallah
01-29-2005, 11:37 AM
Time for a celebration! I'll buy traveling tickets for all the swampies and ... oh .. it was a joke.

Seriously, when I read the first sentence I thought he was getting married... I was like "whoa..." but I really did think he was getting married. thats funny... :-p

Joetheeskimo
01-29-2005, 12:07 PM
Originally posted by GothiX
I directly walk outside, to my car.

Why the hell would you do that? I'd take the chance. :xp:

Never heard that joke before, anyway.

TiE23
01-29-2005, 12:10 PM
"Mommy! I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming!"
:p

TiE

ET Warrior
01-29-2005, 01:34 PM
Originally posted by joetheeskimo5
Why the hell would you do that? I'd take the chance. :xp:


The joke is he keeps his condoms in his car, so he was going to his car to get them.



Fine fine, new joke



How many men does it take to open a beer?







None, the woman damn well better have it open when she brings it to you!

MTV2
01-29-2005, 01:41 PM
what happens if it's real? but cmon, its a joke, got to be

ET Warrior
01-29-2005, 01:43 PM
Originally posted by MTV2
what happens if it's real? but cmon, its a joke, got to be


it IS a joke, and an old one at that. :dozey:

Darth Groovy
01-29-2005, 09:37 PM
http://www.themanipulation.com/worst.jpg

boinga1
01-30-2005, 12:04 PM
I got some women jokes...potentially offensive, though I don't mean anything...

These are kinda old, so you might have heard them, sry.

Why don't women go skiing?There's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?Because she was a woman.

Joetheeskimo
01-30-2005, 12:08 PM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
The joke is he keeps his condoms in his car, so he was going to his car to get them.

I get it. LOL! :D

jon_hill987
01-30-2005, 12:08 PM
Again possably offensive:

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two Bullets

Pie™
01-30-2005, 12:08 PM
GoffiX;

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v42/MMMPIE/pathetic.jpg


:D

LightNinja
01-30-2005, 02:30 PM
Originally posted by jon_hill987
Again possably offensive:

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two Bullets
call me retard but i dont get it :/, to reunite 2 bullets? *lost*
edit: lmfao i got it heheh

Joetheeskimo
01-30-2005, 02:33 PM
Originally posted by LightNinja
call me retard but i dont get it :/, to reunite 2 bullets? *lost*

All but two of the beatles are dead, so two bullets (one for each living Beatle) would make them reunited in heaven/hell/wherever they went. :D

Captain Wilson
01-30-2005, 02:47 PM
Originally posted by jon_hill987
Again possably offensive:

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two Bullets

Hehehe

BongoBob
01-31-2005, 04:16 AM
Ok, a pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender notices and asks him why.

He says, *in best pirate voive* "ARGH! IT DRIVES ME NUTS!"

:D

MTV2
01-31-2005, 05:58 AM
Wheres Gothix?

jebbers
01-31-2005, 06:52 AM
a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, they drink the night away and the giraffe passes out on the floor.....the guy starts to walk out and the bartender yells to him 'hey get back here!' so the guy walks back and asks 'what?' the bartender says ' you just cant leave that lyin there.'

the guy says 'its not a lion, its a giraffe....


get it?


....no.......i really suck at jokes......

GothiX
01-31-2005, 07:08 AM
Originally posted by MTV2
Wheres Gothix?

In Pie's pants, obviously. :rolleyes:

ET Warrior
01-31-2005, 09:03 AM
Originally posted by jebbers
you just cant leave that lying there.'

'twould be more impressive if you spelled lying as "lyin". Lying sounds nothing like lion, while lyin sounds very much the same ;)

Treacherous Mercenary
01-31-2005, 09:10 AM
Originally posted by GothiX
In Pie's pants, obviously. :rolleyes:

24/7 too! :p

IG-64
01-31-2005, 10:26 AM
Originally posted by BongoBob
Ok, a pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender notices and asks him why.

He says, *in best pirate voive* "ARGH! IT DRIVES ME NUTS!"

:D

:rofl:

XD

Greatness.

ET Warrior
01-31-2005, 10:47 AM
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?




Lets get into a bra before someone thinks we're nuts!



Ba-dum-tch




and on that note, I shall rename this to the crappy jokes thread XD

IG-64
01-31-2005, 11:05 AM
That was only slightly funny because you said "saggy boob" twice. XD

Mike Windu
01-31-2005, 02:01 PM
Why couldn't the children get into the pirate movie?












It was rated "Arrrrrr" :p

lukeiamyourdad
01-31-2005, 04:01 PM
You people have officially burned my last brain cells.

:mad: :confused: :cool: :rolleyes:

See! I...going...dumb...

*starts banging head on keyboard*

BongoBob
01-31-2005, 04:03 PM
What does a tomatoe and an elephant have in common.






























THEY BOTH CAN'T RIDE BIKES!

SeleneRayne
01-31-2005, 04:53 PM
Here's a lame one:

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. Bartender saids, we don't serve breakfast.

hehe

BongoBob
01-31-2005, 05:01 PM
:rofl:

That was excellent :D

Mike Windu
01-31-2005, 05:11 PM
A man walks into a bar.

He says ouch.


Thank you thank you, you're far too kind.

Boba Rhett
01-31-2005, 05:22 PM
I once tried to walk into Target.





















I missed. :(

SeleneRayne
01-31-2005, 05:24 PM
Originally posted by BongoBob
:rofl:

That was excellent :D

I thank you. Be sure to tip your waitress, I'm here all week! ;)

Troopr-Undr-Fir
01-31-2005, 05:35 PM
The thread, SHE BURNS USSSS!!!!


oh, uhh, ok....


Why are Giraffes neck's so long?


















Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!!!


WaKa WaKa

jebbers
02-01-2005, 04:53 AM
o these jokes are so bad, they are funny....my mom likes the pirate joke...

Arg it drives me nuts!

thats rich and wholesome

Doomie
02-01-2005, 05:45 AM
lol, this is the best crappy thread evar.

TiE23
02-01-2005, 06:06 AM
Originally posted by jebbers
o these jokes are so bad, they are funny....my mom likes the pirate joke...

Arg it drives me nuts!

thats rich and wholesome Ehh, I already knew that pirate one, I always said "Its driving me nuts."

okay, my joke.


Moe: Why did Stupid Steve eat his take-home exam?











Joe: Because his teacher told him it was "a piece of cake."
:p

TiE

Sivy
02-01-2005, 06:32 AM
a guy walks into a bar, says to the barman, "if i show you something really great can i have a free drink?"
"sure" replied the barman.
so the man reached into his jacket and takes out a mouse and a tiny piano and puts them on the bar.
the mouse then sits down at the tiny piano and plays a tune.
"wow," said the barman, "that is good! here have a free drink"

after the man had finished his drink he said to the barman "if i show you something even better could a have another free drink?
"better than that?! sure!" replied the barman.
the man reached into his jacket again, pulled out the mouse and the tiny piano and then took out a frog and a tiny microphone.
the mouse started to play the piano and then the frog started to sing along.
"amazing!" cried the barman and then he gave the man another free drink.

a moment later a man dressed in a suit walks over and says "i'll give you £50,000 for that frog"
"nah" answered the man.
"ok £100,000"
"sorry, no"
"£250,000 in cash right now"
"ok, you got a deal"
so after the suited man returned with the money the man gave him the frog.

once the suited man had left the barman walks over to the man and says "are you crazy?! you could have sold that frog for millions"
"nah" replied the man, "the frog's nothing special... you see the mouse is a ventriloquist"



and if you thought that was bad.....


a lady goes to the vets with her pet hamster. she lays the hamster on the table and says to the vet "i think my hamster is ill. it doesn't eat or drink and it hasn't moved in days"
so the vet takes a look at the hamster and after a minute ot two the vet says "sorry but your hamster is dead"
"no!" said the lady "it can't be. isn't there any tests you can do?"
"believe me, it is dead" replied the vet.
"please, i want to be sure"
"ok"
the vet goes out the back and brings back a labrador. the labrador looks over the hamster, sniffs it and then looks at the vet and shakes it's head.
"it's dead" said the vet
"no, please try something else" said the lady
so then the vet goes out the back and then brings out a cat.
the cat pokes the hamster with its pawn, sniffs it and then looks at the vet and shakes its head.

"see" said the vet "it's dead"

"ok, fine." said the lady. "how much do i owe you?"

"£5000" replied the vet.

"how much!?" cried the lady "just to tell me my pet is dead??!!"

"well if you had believe me first of all the charge would have been a lot less. but after the lab's opinon and the cat scan the price has increased considerable."

*Yoinked*
02-01-2005, 07:05 AM
What is the difference between a duck?





.....





big spoiler, brace your self...






....



One of its legs are both the same!

:p

jon_hill987
02-01-2005, 07:39 AM
I got this one off never mind the buzzc*cks:

You are trapped in a room with Elton John and Micheal Jackson, you have a gun with only one bullet in it what do you do?

You beat them to death with the gun, escape and go looking for Justin Timberlake

TiE23
02-01-2005, 07:43 AM
Originally posted by jon_hill987
I got this one off never mind the buzzc*cks:

You are trapped in a room with Elton John and Micheal Jackson, you have a gun with only one bullet in it what do you do?

You beat them to death with the gun, escape and go looking for Justin Timberlake :lol:
Nice!

TiE

jon_hill987
02-01-2005, 08:53 AM
This should probably be in a crappy picture thread but what the hell...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v206/jon_hill987/Thispage.jpg

IG-64
02-01-2005, 08:56 AM
Originally posted by *Yoinked*
What is the difference between a duck?





.....





big spoiler, brace your self...






....



One of its legs are both the same!

:p

I don't get it... :confused:

LightNinja
02-01-2005, 10:16 AM
Originally posted by jon_hill987
This should probably be in a crappy picture thread but what the hell...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v206/jon_hill987/Thispage.jpg
did you censured the word ****ed up? i mean, no one will get traumatised, and if that someones does...is so dumb

Boba Rhett
02-01-2005, 10:22 AM
Did you hear the story about the giant that threw up?
















It's all over town. :joy:

jon_hill987
02-01-2005, 10:37 AM
Originally posted by LightNinja
did you censured the word ****ed up? i mean, no one will get traumatised, and if that someones does...is so dumb

Yeah, well, I'm not offended/traumatised by it, but someone else might be, so i did.

Curt-Man
02-01-2005, 05:51 PM
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

if you thought that was bad:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

ET Warrior
02-01-2005, 05:59 PM
Why do women have smaller feet than men?







Evolutionary trait, lets em get closer to the stove

IG-64
02-01-2005, 06:04 PM
Well, looks like no one has come up with any good jokes since the 50's. :p

Anthony
02-01-2005, 06:16 PM
Three guys walk into a bar, the first one says "Whats this, a joke?"

please don't stab me.

Curt-Man
02-02-2005, 08:41 AM
pure gold anthony pure gold!

Revan Solo
02-02-2005, 08:52 AM
A man is walking around a corner onto a biscuit.
"I guess, it is crumbling!", said the biscuit.:rolleyes:

ET Warrior
02-02-2005, 09:28 AM
Originally posted by Revan Solo
A man is walking around a corner onto a biscuit.
"I guess, it is crumbling!", said the biscuit.:rolleyes:

Gets my nomination for least sense made by a joke. :D


A guy walks into a dentists office, and says to the denist "I think I'm a moth"

The dentist looks at him and says "Well if you think you're a moth, why did you come into a dentists office?"

The guy says "Well, the light was on"

Revan Solo
02-02-2005, 09:51 AM
Two cows are sitting in the cellar, knitting yogurt. Says one to the other:"I thought frogs don't play football!"

Pie™
02-02-2005, 09:58 AM
A bunny walks up to Jed and asks him for sex.

Jed tells them: "I'm sorry, Zed is out of town."

:lol:

ET Warrior
02-02-2005, 10:25 AM
Originally posted by Revan Solo
Two cows are sitting in the cellar, knitting yogurt. Says one to the other:"I thought frogs don't play football!"

Perhaps you are confused, but while this is the crappy jokes thread, you're still supposed to be telling jokes....not nonsenical statements. :p

jebbers
02-02-2005, 02:53 PM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
Gets my nomination for least sense made by a joke. :D


A guy walks into a dentists office, and says to the denist "I think I'm a moth"

The dentist looks at him and says "Well if you think you're a moth, why did you come into a dentists office?"

The guy says "Well, the light was on"


spast! you beat me to it...

and somebody was watching scrubs....very good show

narfblat
02-02-2005, 07:57 PM
Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, "It sure is hot in here." The second says "Wow! A talking muffin!"

Q: What's brow and sticky?
A: a stick

CapNColostomy
02-02-2005, 09:50 PM
Four guys are about to walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


Crappy jokes indeed.

CapNColostomy
02-02-2005, 10:25 PM
HAHA!

Dammit, this is the crappy joke thread, Chase. Not the piss your pants laughing joke thread. Eh, I liked it anyway.

TheOutrider
02-02-2005, 10:42 PM
There was this pimp and he had 3 hos, keyword 3!!! Its 3 ok so don't get it wrong. Now he tells the first one go get him 10 dollars so she goes and gets him 10 dollars, when she comes back he says wheres my 20 dollars and she said he said 10 so he slaps her and says dont correct me ho. For the second ho he said go get a bag of marijuana and she does it. When she gets back he asks her where his coke and she says he asked for marijuana so he says dont correct me ho. For the 3rd one he told her to get him a burger off the dollar menu at Mcdonalds and she does. She comes back and he asks wheres my big mac, she said he asked for a burger so he says dont correct me ho. Now the 4th ho...

To all of you who would have said "You said 3 hos" "Don't correct me ho"

Mike Windu
02-03-2005, 01:28 AM
Boo. :xp:



I like the duck one though, Chase. :D

Sivy
02-03-2005, 01:46 AM
a circle and triangle go into a bar.
triangle says "your round"

two ropes walk into a bar. the bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes leaves.
the other rope frays up his hair and tied himself in a knot.
the bartender says to the rope "are you a rope?"
and the rope said " I'm afaid not"

why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
because they all have phones

why do squirrels sleep on their stomachs?
to keep their nuts warm

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
take him out for a drag

Mike Windu
02-03-2005, 02:04 AM
Originally posted by Sivy

two ropes walk into a bar. the bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes leaves.
the other rope frays up his hair and tied himself in a knot.
the bartender says to the rope "are you a rope?"
and the rope said " I'm afaid not"



afaid not eh... I don't get it.


:p






I'm just messin with ya ;)

jebbers
02-03-2005, 02:51 AM
a guy and two droids walk into a cantina. the bartender looks at them and says "We dont serve their kind here."
















Bah Dum Psh! im really bored...

Revan Solo
02-03-2005, 03:31 AM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
The version I've always heard was: "Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks."
Oh well.



A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the manager: 'Got any duck food?' The manager says no and the ducks leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the grocery store and asks the manager: 'Got any duck food?' The manager says no and the duck leaves. The third day the duck goes back and asks the same question: 'Got any duck food?' Annoyed, the manager says 'No, and if you ask me again I'll nail your feet to the floor' The 4th day the duck returns and asks the manager 'Got any nails?' The manager says no. The duck then asks: 'Got any duck food?' I know a very perverse version of that joke but I do not want to tell it.:)

RebelScum!
02-03-2005, 09:48 AM
Man...all these jokes are terrible :xp:. A few clever ones but thats it. Of course its been a loooong times sense a joke thats not on tv made me laugh for more than 0.1 seconds. Anyways heres a joke i heard.

There and two pirates. One is just a normal guy and the other one has a peg leg, eye patch and a hook hand. One pirate says to the other, "where did you get that pag leg?". "It got shot off by a cannon ball." he answered. "ok then where did you get the hook hand?" "Another pirate choped it off." "Then how did you get the eye patch?" "Well i was staring up at good 'ol jolly roger when a bird pooped in my eye." "how is that supposed to make you lose your eye?" "Well it was the first day i had my hook."

:laughing:

Edit:Cmon Revan tell it...Et already told the boob joke :disaprove

ET Warrior
02-03-2005, 12:35 PM
A family of moles lives in there hole in the ground, there's a momma mole, a daddy mole, and a little kid mole.

One day, the dad sticks his head out of the mole hole, and says "I smell cinnamon". The momma squeezes herself up and pokes her head out and says "I don't smell Cinnamon, I think it's paprika." The little kid mole doesn't have room to get his head out of the hole and he says "I don't know what you guys are smelling, because all I smell is mollasses.."

coupes.
02-03-2005, 01:21 PM
This one is better when it's spoken, but it's still pretty bad :p


A guy goes to see his psychiatrist and tell him about his dreams...

Patien : "I don't get it, sometimes I dream I'm a tipi and sometimes I dream I'm a wigwam ! What does it mean ?"

Doctor : "Hmm... You're too tense (tents)"

narfblat
02-03-2005, 01:47 PM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
A hillbilly gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks, "I.D.?"
The hillbilly says, " 'bout what?"
(think of how a hillbilly talks and you'll get it)
I'm probably just being dumb, but I don't get that one.

Boba Rhett
02-03-2005, 01:53 PM
It's "Got an ID?"

"'bout what?"



"ID" sounds a lot like, "idea" in some southern places.

Acrylic
02-03-2005, 01:54 PM
Originally posted by Boba Rhett
It's "Got an ID?"

"'bout what?"



"ID" sounds a lot like, "idea" in some southern places.

Ah, I didn't understand it either.

I'm a up north guy, so, I haven't heard a southern accent since I went down to Florida 3 years ago...

TiE23
02-03-2005, 01:58 PM
Originally posted by narfblat
I'm probably just being dumb, but I don't get that one. Yah, me neither.
*Clings on to narfblat*

TiE

jebbers
02-03-2005, 04:51 PM
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" (*anyone remembe where it came from??*)

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

bunch of lame ones off the 'net....

TiE23
02-03-2005, 04:55 PM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
When people with a southern accent (mainly hicks, hill billies, and people who live in the Ozarks) say the word 'idea' it sounds like 'ID'. The cop asked for the hill billies 'I.D.' (identification). The hill billy thought the cop was saying idea.

Do you guys want me or Rhett to draw you a picture or a diagram or something? Yes, but no Photoshop, we don't need some artist/eloborate/over-the-top picture that reminds how weak we are :D

TiE

Lady Jedi
02-03-2005, 06:11 PM
Originally posted by Chase Windu

A hillbilly gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks, "I.D.?"
The hillbilly says, " 'bout what?"
(think of how a hillbilly talks and you'll get it)

>>
<<

Er, am I the only one that got that without reading an explaination? Ahem. Wutch ya'll naid ta doe is gitch ya'lls selfs ejucated in some southern terms. Or else none a ya'll's ever gone get them southern jokes. Mmm-hmmm. :D

I don't know if it's been posted in this thread but:
A guy walk into a therapist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic wrap. The patient says "Doctor, can you tell me what's wrong with me?" The doc looks at the patient and says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

:D

narfblat
02-03-2005, 10:31 PM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
When people with a southern accent (mainly hicks, hill billies, and people who live in the Ozarks) say the word 'idea' it sounds like 'ID'. The cop asked for the hill billies 'I.D.' (identification). The hill billy thought the cop was saying idea.

Do you guys want me or Rhett to draw you a picture or a diagram or something? Yay! picture time! I wanna draw a picture too, Mommy!

Sorry if I don't know the southern accent that well.

jon_hill987
02-06-2005, 12:50 PM
Going to be the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello," I said, I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."

The Seeker
02-06-2005, 05:38 PM
A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" (*anyone remembe where it came from??*)

Pulp Fiction, damn you. I was just about to post that one. :p

Okay, so a dollar bill walks into a bar. The barkeep says "Hey, get out of here. This isn't a singles bar"

A Hahahaha Hooo. What? No? *dodges flying vegetables*

Okay, how bout this one:

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

*runs for cover.*

jon_hill987
02-07-2005, 08:55 AM
Alternate Ending to The Empire Strikes Back

*A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off
Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight
down.*

Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"

Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

Luke: "NO!"

Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

Luke: "Threepio?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

Luke: "No."

Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself,
no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."

Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith ..
waahhh wahhh!'"

Luke: "Shut up."

Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!"

Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of
the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!

*Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.*

Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you
are, but you sure ain't mine."

*Luke takes another step towards the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.*

*Darth Vader looks after him.*

Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"

jebbers
02-07-2005, 09:11 AM
:eyeraise: @jon_hills' post......


you got a lot of time on your hands dont you...so do i...



















ever seen my notebook??

jon_hill987
02-07-2005, 09:14 AM
I didn't write that, got it of the net.

WARNING SOME OF THE JOKES IN THE FOLOWING LINK MAY BE AND PROBABLY ARE OFFENCIVE, I HAVN'T CHECKED THEM ALL.

http://www.comcen.com.au/~heretic/humour/humour.html

kipperthefrog
02-07-2005, 09:17 AM
two penguins sit in the bath tub. the first penguin says "pass the soap." the second penguin says "what do I look like? a typewriter??

RebelScum!
02-07-2005, 10:41 AM
Originally posted by Boba Rhett
It's "Got an ID?"

"'bout what?"



"ID" sounds a lot like, "idea" in some southern places.

Southern! :evil5:...roar!

[RAA]-=Chi3f=-
02-19-2005, 02:22 AM
You're an American before you go in the bathroom...
You're an American after you get out of the bathroom...
SO what are you when you're IN the bathroom?


European

:p



How many FLIES does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.




A baby seal walks into a club...



A piece of twine walks into a bar and sits down...
BARTENDER: "Hey, we don't serve rope in here!"
ROPE:"Well, for your information I am not rope"
BARTENDER: "you ain't rope?"
ROPE: "Nope, Fraid not"

BawBag™
02-19-2005, 02:24 AM
Duck walks into a bar, and asks the barman:
"Got any bread?"
Barman replies politely:
"Naw, we only sell drink here."
Duck replies:
"Awright then" and leaves the bar.

The following evening, the duck returns:
"Got any bread?"
Barman replies puzzled:
"Naw, I told you last night, we only sell drink."
Duck replies:
"Awright then" and leaves the bar.

The next again evening, the duck returns:
"Got any bread?"
Barman replies irritably:
"Naw! I told you last night! we only sell drink!"
Duck replies:
"Awright then" and leaves the bar.

The next again evening, the duck returns:
"Got any bread?"
Barman replies angrily:
"Naw! I told you last night! we only sell drink! Beer! Lager! Vodka! Whisky! NO BREAD!"
Duck replies:
"Awright then" and leaves the bar.


The evening after the last, the duck returns:
"Got any bread?"
Barman replies lividly:
"NAW! ONLY DRINK! NO BREAD! IF YOU DON'T STOP COMING IN HERE ASKING FOR BREAD, I'LL NAIL YOU TO THIS BAR!!!"
Duck replies:
"O.K.... ummm.. got any nails?"
The barman replies hotly:
"NAW!"
The duck asks:
"Got any bread?"

:dozey: Poor by even my standards.....

Doomie
02-19-2005, 03:39 AM
I don't get the 'bathroom' one...

jon_hill987
02-19-2005, 03:47 AM
Read "European" as "you're o peein"

rubbish isn't it?

ET Warrior
02-19-2005, 08:00 AM
Originally posted by BawBag™
duck joke.

That one was alreday told ;)

BawBag™
02-19-2005, 08:14 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
That one was alreday told ;)
Bollocks. That means there's someone out there with my taste in bad humour. :(

jebbers
02-19-2005, 04:45 PM
more like common sense questions but i bet you'll get some wrong!

How far can a dog walk into the woods?
Half way, then hes walking out of the woods.

Is there a Fourth of July in England?
You betcha! Right after the Third and before the Fifth

You have two United States coins. Together they equal 55 cents. One is not a nickel, which two coins do you use?
A fifty cent piece and a nickel. One isnt a nickel(50 cent piece0

Use no calculator! Divide 30 by 1/2. Then add 10. What do you get?
70. Dividing any number by 1/2 is the same as multiplying it by 2.

A house has Southern exposure to all four sides. A bear walks by, what color is the bear?
White. The house is at the North pole.

A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die, how many are left?
All but 9.

A butcher is 5ft. 10in.,what does he weigh?
A butcher weighs meat.

You have 3 apples. If you take away 2, how many do you have?
2 If you take away 2.

Can a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
He has to be dead first.

I'll think of more as they come to me but i forgot most of mine.

Joetheeskimo
02-19-2005, 05:50 PM
Originally posted by [RAA]-=Chi3f=-
A baby seal walks into a club...


Clubbing Baby Seals (http://www.clubbingbabyseals.com) :D

....


:eyeraise:

BawBag™
02-20-2005, 02:13 AM
What do an ostrich, a pelican and the inland revenue all have in common?

They can stick their bills up their arse.

Kylilin
02-21-2005, 06:36 AM
Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

the taste!!

BongoBob
02-21-2005, 04:36 PM
Holy h-e-double hockey sticks, it's Kylillin!

Jebbers, I don't get the apples one :confused:

*waits for simple answer that will make me feel stoopid*

narfblat
02-21-2005, 08:18 PM
I hope this makes the apple one make more sense to you.
You had three apples on the table. You grabbed two apples and took them somewhere else. You then only had two with you.

jebbers
02-22-2005, 02:55 AM
yea, if you take the apples then you have the two you took away

legameboy
02-22-2005, 12:45 PM
Talking with spoiler tags is fun.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? 'Cause he was feeling crummy. :D

BongoBob
02-22-2005, 04:07 PM
No, it's annoying :p

I get it now.

kipperthefrog
02-22-2005, 04:51 PM
Here is one:

What did the wizard turn the bannana peels into?

A pair of slippers

KBell
02-22-2005, 06:07 PM
One day I decided that I wanted to ride a horse without any experience or lessons. So I get on the horse and the huge beast goes into motion.

I notice that I'm starting to slip, OH NO! I grab at the mane but i can't seem to get a grip on it! I slip off the horse and my leg gets caught in the stirrup. But the horse is completely obvlivious to me hanging on for dear life!

Just when I think im going to pass out and even die, Frank the Wall-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off :D

jon_hill987
02-25-2005, 07:27 AM
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?


“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

TiE23
02-25-2005, 01:17 PM
[Quick lawyer joke!]
How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head. :p

TiE

IG-64
02-25-2005, 02:18 PM
If Shamoo defecates, does it make shampoo?




:D

ET Warrior
02-25-2005, 04:17 PM
Wow, I forgot I was reading the jokes thread, and I saw IG-64's post and I was all..."WTF was he THINKING posting that?"


Then I remembered and I felt dumb :(

kipperthefrog
02-25-2005, 06:13 PM
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

narfblat
02-25-2005, 08:24 PM
What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
One is a slimy, scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
alternate answer I saw online:
I don't have five dead carp in my trunk