View Full Version : Best quotes from anywhere and anyone

03-09-2005, 10:22 PM
That's right, it's that time again. Post the greatest quotes from movies, games, history, whatever, as long as it's a good quote or it's funny, just post it (The swamp needs a bit more humor I think).

I'll start off with some quotes by some comedian who I don't know...

"You know what I hate about resturaunts. They call out peoples names only 3 times. 'Johnson, party of five. Johnson, party of five. Johnson, party of five.' Then they jyust casually move on. 'Rick, party of 4, rick, party of 4.' WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JOHNSONS!?! THE JOHNOSNS ARE BOUND, GAGGED, AND LOCKED IN A TRUNK! AND THEY'RE HUNGRY!"

"I believe, if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. Then find someone whos life is giving them vokda, and have a party." - Ron White - Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again

"I used to live in hollywood, so I took a script to a movie company and they said I needed to rewrite it. I said f*** that, I'll just make a copy." - Some random comidian

"There were horsies, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident" - Brick - Anchorman

Ron:"There's only one thing a man can do when he's in a spiritually downtrodden and existential funk."
Champ:"Go to the zoo, flip off the monkies?" - Anchorman

Come on now swampies, spread the fun around :)

03-09-2005, 10:38 PM
"All your base are belong to us"

nuff said.

You can kill me now.

ET Warrior
03-09-2005, 10:50 PM
@BongoBob: your first and third quotes are from comedian Mitch Hedberg...so ya know :)

As for a quote...lesseee here...

"The good die young, and pricks, live FOREVER. So, if you want to increase your longevity, if you ever see some kids across the street, run outside and yell "GET OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE *****" and it'll be just like taking vitamins."

~Lewis Black

03-09-2005, 11:09 PM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
@BongoBob: your first and third quotes are from comedian Mitch Hedberg...so ya know :)

THANK YOU ET! That was driving me nuts for a long time. That guys my freakin hero XD

"As the years passed, Walt Disneys hunger for cuban children grew..." - Robot Chicken

"We take a lot of things for granted [in the US], like we take for granted the fact that we can go to a nightclub and look at chickes with 2 and a half inch skirts, and stare at them long enough until they go 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!!!' YOUR VAGINA!" -Another random comedian.

"We use a lot of prases today that we don't even get. I work in show biz so I get people saying 'Break a leg' alot. I hope you rubture a spleen, jackass! 'He's on the lamb!' SOMEBODY GET HIM A GIRLFRIEND QUICK! 'I don't give a rats ass' I DON'T WANNA RECIEVE A RATS ASS!" - Another random comedian

I watch comedy central alot and I never remember the names.

*searches WinMX for Mitch Hedberg*

Mike Windu
03-09-2005, 11:11 PM
Good thing these guys aren't lumberjacks!
No joke! The only thing safe in the forest would be the trees!

~Donatello and Michaelangelo, TMNT

I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the Ninja that ultimate mastering comes not from the body but from the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other, draw upon one another and always remember the power that binds you. The same is what brought me here tonight that which I gladly return with my final words, I love you all my sons. ~ Splinter, TMNT

Coach Boone: Are your parents here?
Bertier: Yes.
Coach Boone: Good.
Coach Boone: You take one last good look at her. Cause once you step on that bus you aint got your mama anymore. You got your brothers and you got your daddy. You know who your daddy is, doncha? Gary, if you want to play on this football team, you answer me when I ask you who is your daddy? Who's your daddy, Gary? Who's your daddy?
Bertier: You.
Coach Boone: And who's team is this, Gary?Is this your team? Or is this your daddy's team?
Bertier: Yours.
Coach Boone: Now get on the bus. Put on your jacket first and get on the bus.

~ Remember the Titans

03-09-2005, 11:12 PM
"Sometimes you just gotta say... 'wtf'...." Curtis Armstrong(Booger) --- Risky Business

"I like sex the old fashioned way... swingin from the chandellier." Roosevelt in post-Polio speech.

"Buy the ticket, Take the ride..." - Hunter S

"All of those lucky enough to have their lives- take them with you. However, leave the limbs you have lsot... they belong to me now." Beatrix Kiddo

" The possesions you own end up owning you." - Tyler Durden

"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas and half a pack of
cigarettes. It's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it. " - blues brothers

"but Ford we just wanted to be held....." " You got tha bonus plan..." Ford Fairlane

"Today is the last day of the rest of your life.." Tone Loc "ford fairlane"

El Sitherino
03-09-2005, 11:23 PM
"MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!"

"If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college..." (quote of something a woman once said that he overheard while at IHOP)

"While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and my car. The rental car. The Plymouth....Horizon. Here's a math question for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what to pediod of time, to see a Lexus, and a BMW, and go, '...........................Well, I g-gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me, I've never driven a car that's aqua!' So I called the police, I told them, 'They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth horizon.' And the officer said, 'They mush have taken it for a joyride.' 'Hey. I don't think you're listening, *******. The car is a Plymouth....HORIZON! It is not a joy - to ride!' We're talking about a car that goes 45 miles per hour WITH THE WIND! If you turn off the air conditioning and supercharge the little mother****er, you might be able to get it to 48."

Lewis Black

Mike Windu
03-09-2005, 11:34 PM
"That naive cube." ~ Plankton

ManRay: Excuse me sir, but I believe you dropped your wallet.
Patrick: It doesn't look familiar to me.
ManRay: What? But I just saw you drop it. I am trying to be a good citizen, and return it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
ManRay: [Reaching into the wallet and pulling out Patrick's I. D] Are you a Mr. Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yep.
ManRay: And this is your I. D.
Patrick: Yep.
ManRay: And I found it in this wallet, and therefore, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: Makes sense to me.
ManRay: So, take it.
Patrick: It's not mine.

Boba Rhett
03-09-2005, 11:41 PM
"I think it's weird how "Finger puppets" sounds ok as a noun."

"In retrospect, my 7th grade plan of accumulating as much knowledge about LOTR and Star Wars as a way to meet girls...probably not the best idea."

"The quoter has many words but little wisdom" :joy:

And now for some of Mitch,

"I like to have a loose collar. I can't wear shirts with a tight collar because my neck is sensitive. I could never wear a turtleneck. It's like being strangled by a really weak guy. And if you're wearing a backpack and a turtleneck it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down."

"I think frogs are a better mascot. I have never said "here comes that frog" in a horrifying manner. Its always, "here comes that frog. Fantastic."

"I once saw a human pyramid. It was completely unneccesary."

03-09-2005, 11:43 PM
"If I could be a superhero, I would justice guy, makin sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie, like if a wife left her husband with a three kids and a job, to run off to f*n hawaii with some doctor named bob, I would skin them and drain them of blood so they die, especially bob, then you would be justice guy. Oh you don't have to be subtle, I didn't mean to be vague, give her the mad cow disease, let him die of the plague, as long as they suffer for there terrible lies, especially bob, then you would be justice guy." - Stephyn Lynch - Superhero

03-09-2005, 11:47 PM
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Family Guy

03-09-2005, 11:51 PM
chief: If life hands you a pile of potatoes, make potato salad.
Mona: Well life handed me a whole pile of SH*T! What am I supposed to make with that!?
Mr.Dearly: SH*T SALAD!?
~~Drowning Mona

03-10-2005, 12:12 AM
"You know you're a redneck when..."


"Here's your sign."


ET Warrior
03-10-2005, 12:42 AM
Originally posted by BongoBob
"If I could be a superhero ...

If I could be a superhero, I'd be immigration dude. I'd round up the foreigners and send them back home, for eating up all of our food. And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot, like landscaping laundery, picking our fruit. I'd send them all away to get rid of their brood....'cuz I'd be immigration dude.

03-10-2005, 01:00 AM
"Make me feel it! Make me feel alive again!"
~Ninja, MGS

"I was born on a battlefield. Raised on a battlefield. Gunfire, sirens and screams... they were my lullabies... Hunted like dogs day after day... driven from our ragged shelters... That... was my life. Each morning, I'd wake up... and find a few more of my family or friends dead beside me. I'd stare at the morning sun...and pray to make it through the day. The governments of the world turned a blind eye to our misery. But then... he appeared. My hero... Saladin... he took me away from all that..."
~Sniper Wolf, MGS

"Don't treat your cardboard box like just another box. Treat it with love, okay?"
~Iroquois Pliskin, MGS2

"As long as we have 'loyalty to the end'. there's no point in believing in anything... even in those we love."
~The Boss, MGS3

"Every story must have an ending."
~Auron, FFX

"If the Force is life, how can there be life without the Force?"
~Vergere, Traitor

Peter: Hey Brian look there's a message in my alpha-bits. It says "ooooooooooo."
Brian: *looks* Peter those are Cherios.
~Family Guy

Chris: Hey little dude you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles!!! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
~Family Guy

"Just when you think you hit rock bottom, you pull out a shovel..."

03-10-2005, 01:36 AM
"You're drunk!"
"I'm drunk, and you're ugly. In the morning I'll be sober." ~ Winston Churchill. (thanks for telling me who said it, Doomie)

03-10-2005, 08:55 AM
"Oh my GOD! Somebody put sh*t in my pants!"

03-10-2005, 09:13 AM
Off the top of my head, i can only think of this:

'Oh, you're the king? Well, I didn't vote for you!' - Some peasant in Monty Python and the holy grail.

And Narfblat, that qoute's from Churchill.

03-10-2005, 09:47 AM
"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

"Why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here"

El Sitherino
03-10-2005, 11:37 AM
Originally posted by Pie™
"Oh my GOD! Somebody put sh*t in my pants!" \o/ I love Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. :D

03-10-2005, 11:40 AM
Originally posted by InsaneSith
\o/ I love Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. :D *sodomizes* :)


"I am gonna fly into your butt! Prepare all asses for vicious entry!!"

"Spank my ass and call me Debbie!! Dare not defy my commands! These hands!! I can't get them off my wrists!! Oh, god!!"

"No! Don't leave me, intestinal gass! Please! Don't go! I thought you loved me!!"

"You f*cking toaster!! You're nothing! That's all you'll ever be! A toaster!! Damn! I have no Kiwis!!"

"Make him die, daddy!"


Black Knight of Keno
03-10-2005, 12:54 PM
Ehem... *Points at sig*

I'm dry from quotes at the moment... How sad, ain't it? :rolleyes:

03-10-2005, 12:58 PM
Originally posted by Darth Tepe
Ehem... *Points at sig*

I'm dry from quotes at the moment... How sad, ain't it? :rolleyes: Weren't those quotes both used in Operation Flashpoint?

Black Knight of Keno
03-10-2005, 01:01 PM
Originally posted by Pie™
Weren't those quotes both used in Operation Flashpoint?

How should I know? I've never played, and most propably never will :rolleyes:

03-10-2005, 05:29 PM
I've always liked this war quote. "Heroes don't win wars, they merely survive them."

Forgot who said it, but theres a nice collection of war quotes in Rome: Total War.

03-10-2005, 05:50 PM
"My lucky number is 4,000,000,000... That doesn't come in handy when gambling. 'Come on four billion! .... f*ck, 7! .... Not even close..... I need some more dice.... Hmm, 4 billion divided by 6..... atleast...' "

"I like to play Blackjack, Im not addicted to gambling, Im addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I once saw a kid in a park flying a kite... He was so excited it was in the sky, I don't know why: thats what its supposed to do.
Now if he had a chair one the other end of that string, I would've known... Imagine trying to fly a chair, you'd have to run like a mother-f*cker."

"I got my hair highlighted cause I thought some other strands were more important than others."

"If you had a tight-rope-walker for a friend, and he fell on a sidewalk... that would be totally unacceptable."

Mitch Hedberg


03-10-2005, 11:25 PM
Stranger: You know what the fist said to the face?
*punches guy*
Stranger: Now when I come down there the barge'd better be runnin'. Or I'll have to tell you another joke.

Ed Harken: [on the phone] Well, really, I don't know where he would get his hands on German pornography... but really, as adults, its not like we haven't seen our share of pornography in... Oh you haven't? Well, neither have I, I was just speaking in generalities... listen, I have to go, we'll talk about this later, Sister Margaret.

Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put the gun down, and let the marching band go! We'll try to pull it off as a prank.

Chris Rock: I took the AIDS test... passed it... with a 65! Now, the scary thing about the AIDS test is that when you take it, you don't get the results back for FIIIVVEE days, and in those five days you start reflectin'. You start reflectin' on every single piece of dirty, disgusting little sex you've ever had! Oh my God, 1993, what the **** was I thinkin'? Then, you start callin' people up to see if they still alive!
[Impersonating a telephone call]
Chris Rock: Yeah, hello, is Stacy there? "This is Stacy." CLICK! Hello, is Tammy there? "Oh, Tammy dead." Well, what happened? "... she got hit by a bus." OH, THANK THE LORD!

Chris Rock: What does daddy get for his hard work? The big piece of chicken at dinner! My mamma would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident!
[Pretending to be his mamma]
Chris Rock: What the... you ate the big piece of chicken! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a porkchop, daddy won't know the difference!

Verbal Kint: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

Verbal Kint: And like that........he's gone.

Chris Rock: You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? Bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5000. You know why? If a bullet cost $5000 there'd be no more innocent bystanders. Or if someone has a score to settle, being like, "You know what, I would ****ing put a cap in your ass... if I could *afford* it! I'm gonna save up some money, maybe get a second job or something, then you a mother****in' dead man!"

Verbal: Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is **** but, hey, I'm in a police station.

Verbal: Where's your head, Agent Kujan? Where do you think the pressure's coming from? Keyser Soze - or whatever you want to call him - knows where I am right now. He's got the front burner under' your ass to let me go so he can scoop me up ten minutes later. Immunity was just to deal with you *******s. I got a whole new problem when I post bail.
Dave Kujan: So why play into his hands? We can protect you.
Verbal: Gee, thanks, Dave. Bang-up job so far. Extortion, coercion. You'll pardon me if I ask you to kiss my pucker. The same ****ers that rounded us up and sank us into this mess are telling me They'll bail me out? **** you. You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting fingered and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything, it will be to get rid of me. After that, my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

Hockney: Old McDonald had a farm ee i ee i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom.

Cop: What are you saying?
Fenster: I said he'll flip you.
Cop: He'll what?
Fenster: Flip you. Flip ya for real.

Verbal: To a cop the explanation's always simple. There's no mystery to the street, no arch criminal behind it all. If you find a body and you think his brother did it, you're gonna find out you're right.

Verbal: Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

Verbal: Big fat guy, I mean like orca fat.

Verbal: Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

[Counting victims as he snipes at them]
McManus: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Oswald was a fag.

Verbal: How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?

Verbal: He lets the last Hungarian go, and he goes running. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they grew up in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "If you rat on your pop, Keyser Soze will get you." And nobody really ever believes.

Fenster: You do some time, they never let you go. You know. They treat you like a criminal. *I'm* not a criminal.
Hockney: You *are* a criminal.
Fenster: Now why'd you got to go and do that? (I'm) trying to make a point.

Verbal: Can I have some coffee?
Dave Kujan: Maybe later.
Verbal: I'm really thirsty. When I was a kid I used to dehydrate, and my piss came out like snot. I mean, it was all thick and gross.

Jack Baer, FBI: They tell me you got the cripple from New York in there. He mention Keyser Soze?
Dave Kujan: Who?
Jack Baer, FBI: Bear with me here...
Dave Kujan: [Kujan bursts into Rabins office] Who's Keyser Soze?
Verbal: Ohhh ****!

[they are in court]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
[bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
[Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!
[all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]

Now whoever guesses wher EACH AND EVERYONE of these come from get a free random picture

03-11-2005, 12:03 AM
i remember the kool-aid one, i about pissed myself. :D

03-11-2005, 12:21 AM
Speaking of Chris Rock, there's one thing he said that just made me truly laugh out loud:

"Men only need three things: Food, Sex, Silence. So women, all we want you to do is feed us, f*ck us, and shut the f*ck up!"


03-11-2005, 02:07 AM
"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi

03-11-2005, 08:05 AM
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Virgil: Look, he's operating on his own. He's cut off from his chain of command. He's showing signs of pressure-induced psychosis, and he's got a nuclear weapon. So as a personal favor to me, will you try to put your tongue in neutral for a while?

Mike Windu
03-11-2005, 09:41 AM
"F**k yo' couch ****** F**k yo' couch!" ~ Chappelle Show


03-11-2005, 09:51 AM
Can we just have the random picture jokemaster, pleeeeease :D

Scorch: "If we blow up those rocks we'll have a clear path around. And I'm not just saying that because I like to watch things blow up."
Sev: "Yes you are"
-SW:Republic Commando

"I will be grossly overpaid for something I'll do for free" - Chick from Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction commercial