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View Full Version : It's time for another joke thread


BongoBob
07-22-2005, 02:19 AM
It's been a while and there's alot of nothing going on, so it's time for another joke thread.

*STUPID JOKE ALERT*

Two muffins enter and elevator and start goin up. One turns to the other and says, "Man, it is hotter than hell in here," to which the other muffin replied, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

:D

Commence with the funny!

IG-64
07-22-2005, 02:30 AM
Why is bungee jumping dangerous?




Because your harness could fail, and you'd fall to your death.

Hahaha.










No? >_>

Mike Windu
07-22-2005, 02:59 AM
>_>

<_<

24.




Hey Patrick, I thought of something funnier than 24.

Lets hear it.

25.

what? :p

BongoBob
07-22-2005, 03:03 AM
"I am the neighborhood baby inspector, I have come to inspect your baby."
"Oh goodness! Inspect him for what?"
"YOUR RESISTANCE WILL BE NOTED!"

"Our species worked ourselves into extinction transforming this planet into a giant spaceship, using similar technology tested and proven on another planet."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because it's cool"
"MmHm"

Gotta love invader zim :D

Mike Windu
07-22-2005, 03:29 AM
"How much is it?"
"Five dollars."
"All what I have is seven."
"Deal."
"Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper."
---
Barnacle Boy: We won. And the superhero-supervillain rules require you to do what I say.
ManRay: World domination. Ask for world domination.
The Dirty Bubble: Make him eat dirt.
...
The Dirty Bubble: In addition to the world domination thing.
---
Let's think of some ideas to sell the chocolate bars.
I know, let's get naked.
No, let's save that for when we sell real estate.

>_>

TiE23
07-22-2005, 03:33 AM
Originally posted by Mike Windu
>_>

<_<

24.




Hey Patrick, I thought of something funnier than 24.

Lets hear it.

25.

what? :p
Man, when you see it the first time, thats the funniest joke in the universe, but you can't laugh twice at it :p

TiE

Pie™
07-22-2005, 05:26 AM
Azrael: Get me a Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, ANYBODY? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out a machine pistol, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs]
Azrael: Get it?



Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks:
"Can you put me up for the night?"

<_<

BawBag™
07-22-2005, 05:40 AM
Originally posted by Pie™
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks:
"Can you put me up for the night?"

<_<
Jesus walks into the last supper, to find all of his disciples eating chinese takeaways.
After asking where they got the food, they reply:

"Judas bought it, he's come into some money"

>_>

Mike Windu
07-22-2005, 11:22 AM
Originally posted by TiE 23
Man, when you see it the first time, thats the funniest joke in the universe, but you can't laugh twice at it :p

TiE

I disagree. I mumble that during school to my friends :p

Lady Jedi
07-23-2005, 10:24 PM
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

:D

Father Torque
07-23-2005, 11:24 PM
This multi-punch line/answer/explanation joke suits very well the this forums atmosphere.

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

This one sits nicely with the release of the new Harry Potter book :)

Harry Potter Sequels

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love
Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA
Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch
Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy
Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of Hustler
Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore
Harriet Potter after the Life-Altering Surgery
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp
Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep
Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien
Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia
Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony
Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign
Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues

I couldn't stop laughling after I saw "Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch"


:D

EDIT: :eek: I found this one at comedy central, it rules :D

Farts and Enrique Iglesias

What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common?
a. They were both raised on beans.
b. They both have brown things on their cheeks.
c. They both have trouble singing in tight pants.
c. They both stink.

Curt-Man
07-24-2005, 04:28 PM
A guy enters a bar, and starts knocking back the beers. After he's fully smashed, he tries to get up, but falls flat on his face. He tries again, and falls back down on his face, so he thinks the fresh air will sober him up, so he crawls outside. After a few minutes, he tries to get up, but one more time, falls flat on his face. Se he says:
"screw it, home's only a few blocks away i'll crawl." so he drags himself home. Once at the door he tries to get up, and falls on his face. He opens the door crawls upstairs and gets to his bed, he tries to get up, but falls right onto the bed and falls alseep.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife says:
"Been up all night drinking?"
And putting on his most innocent expression he says "now honey why would you say that?"
"Because the pub called, you forgot your wheelchair."

Ah, i love it.

BongoBob
07-24-2005, 05:18 PM
:rofl:

That's hilarious :D

Black Knight of Keno
07-24-2005, 05:44 PM
A bottle of milk and a cookie walked into a bar

Funny, no? :D

Writer
07-25-2005, 03:40 AM
Chase, I thought for a long while about that chiropractor one... maybe I'm just too dense, 'cause all I can say is.... 'huh?' :confused:

BongoBob
07-25-2005, 04:17 AM
Same here.

I like that second one though :evil:

IG-64
07-25-2005, 05:38 AM
Originally posted by Chase Windu
Q. Why was mommy kissing Santa Clause?
A. Because he had two huge balls in his sack.
(I know, gross and probably uncalled for)
Q: How many women does santa have?






A: Three, ho ho ho.



:D

Lightsaberboy
07-25-2005, 06:07 AM
A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.

Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.

When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."



bwahahahahahhahaa!!

Curt-Man
07-25-2005, 09:57 AM
I don't get the Chiropractor one either.

toms
07-25-2005, 11:25 AM
Originally posted by Lightsaberboy
Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please.!"

:D :D

BongoBob
07-25-2005, 06:32 PM
That engineers one was bloody brilliant :D

ET Warrior
07-26-2005, 12:33 AM
Ha....ha.....

........


*stab*

IG-64
07-26-2005, 12:35 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
Ha....ha.....

........


*stab*

That was funnier than the actual joke. X)

BongoBob
07-26-2005, 02:37 AM
...I concur.

:D

Tyrion
07-26-2005, 02:50 AM
"What do you call a man who drops from a tree into his girlfriend? Falling in love."

Yeah, I'm awesome like that.

guybroom
07-27-2005, 02:25 PM
A man is wondering through the desert: "Water! Water!" He calls. He soon sees a bazzar.

He goes towards the first stall - "water! water!"

The man at the stall says "i'm sorry, i only sell jelly."

The man craws to the next stall, "Water! Water!"

"I'm sorry, I only sell fruit"

The man goes to the last stall: "Water! Water!"

"I'm sorry, i only sell chocolate biscuits."

"This is a triffel bazzar"





I know - terrible! It was the only one I could think of.

Tyrion
07-27-2005, 04:37 PM
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.

:o

guybroom
07-27-2005, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by Tyrion
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.

:o


EVIL!!! EVIL!!! (and funny!)



Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side....




Why did the dinosour cross the road?

Chickens weren't invented yet...




Why did the monkey cross the road?

He thought it was a game

:D

(ok - not funny)

BongoBob
07-27-2005, 04:50 PM
"For as long as I can remember, I've been looking for a guy like you, with a head like that and a torso too, birds sing, and you're gonna pay, the end, NOW HERE'S SOME MEAT COVERED IN BBQ SAUCE!"

*"zim walks through the door, gir is standing on his head*
GIR: You're on fire!
ZIM: Am I? Ah, oh well.

Tyrion
07-27-2005, 05:19 PM
I've got this sweet new act called The Aristocrats, anybody wanna see it?

(Google it if you don't get it...I don't want to be banned.)

ACDC_Fanatic
07-27-2005, 11:39 PM
A monkey died and it fell out of a tree

guybroom
07-28-2005, 04:47 PM
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

TK-8252
07-29-2005, 01:06 AM
Originally posted by ACDC_Fanatic
A monkey died and it fell out of a tree

Uh... ha ha?



this thread is for jokes

Darth Andrew
07-29-2005, 01:58 AM
Laura Belch is speaking Friday at the community hall about her recent travels in China at 7 PM. Hear her breathtaking account of all the wonderous sites there. So hear Laura Belch all the way from China!

Ha ha. Funny. Or not.

ET Warrior
07-29-2005, 02:48 AM
This is honestly one of the worst joke threads EVER.

Tyrion
07-29-2005, 03:04 AM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
This is honestly one of the worst joke threads EVER.

You're just jealous of our uber humor.

For god's sake, your avatar is a crown on Maud'Dib. You're obviously overcompensating for your lack of ability in humor...and no doubt other...pleasures...

:o

I regret nothing!

Lightsaberboy
07-29-2005, 03:32 AM
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"


:D

guybroom
07-29-2005, 04:44 AM
These are just getting worse and worse - mine included!

Black Knight of Keno
07-29-2005, 05:05 AM
A guy met a broom...
...soon there were little guybrooms running around
:D

I know... Worst joke ever... :(

guybroom
07-29-2005, 05:20 AM
Originally posted by Darth Tepe
A guy met a broom...
...soon there were little guybrooms running around
:D

I know... Worst joke ever... :(

Clever - did you're goldfish teach you that one?

Speaking of fish.....





What do you call a fish with no eyes?



FSH

(doesnt really work when it's typed)

IG-64
07-29-2005, 08:18 AM
Originally posted by Lightsaberboy
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

^ Me. ^

X)

acdcfanbill
07-29-2005, 09:04 AM
Originally posted by Darth Tepe
A guy met a broom...
...soon there were little guybrooms running around
:D

I know... Worst joke ever... :( a guy met a brush and then Mr. Threep meet some wood...

and then we got Monkey Island... :p

guybroom
07-29-2005, 09:50 AM
there once was an alphabet party, but only some letters turned up. They got hot and turned on a fan and went to an expensive resturant.

And very quickly we got an ACDC FAN BILL

NOW SHUT UP!!!

*crys in a corner*

Lady Jedi
07-29-2005, 02:44 PM
Originally posted by ET Warrior
This is honestly one of the worst joke threads EVER.

I concur. It must die.

Lady Jedi
08-07-2005, 04:06 PM
So as Ms. Peters is writing on the chalkboard in her first grade class, there's big comotion in the back of the room. She looks up and there's little Johnny with his hand down his pants. Ms. Peters says "Johnny! What on earth has gotten in to you?" Johnny says, "Well, my thingy itches real bad!" So Ms. Peters tells him, "Go to the pricipal and call your mother." When Johnny comes back he sits back down, but a few minutes later there's another big comotion in the back. Ms. Peters looks up and there's Johnny at his desk and all the other kids are crowded around him. Ms. Peters walks to the back of the class and Johnny stands up with his thingy sticking out of his pants. She says to him, "What are you doing? Didn't you call your mother?" Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am. She told me if I could stick it out till noon she could come get me."

:D

El Sitherino
08-08-2005, 12:55 AM
You know what I find funny? When girls are like "if women were leaders there'd be no war". Bull****, if women were leaders we'd have war everyday.

We'd have one lady come out and say "Oh my god, do you see what the Queen is wearing? Tacky". And the queen would just go "oh you bitch" then just run across the floor and bitchslap the president lady. And they'd both go "shoot that whore". And the soldiers would be like "pardon".

The Queen: "you heard me, shoot that whore'
President Lady: "you guys shoot THAT whore"
The Queen: "slut"
President Lady: "Skank"
The Queen: "bitch"
President Lady: "****"

Then they'd start slapping again. It'd be war all the time.
Then we'd have the black political figure like "oh no you didn't just look at my man, bitch". "I'ma **** yo country in the ass". "this is MY man".

It'd be hell. Soldiers though would probably just stand back as the ladies fight and just yell ****.

Soldier: "I hope some shirts rip off and we see titties flop"

*shrugs* just a bit of different jokes for you. More standup-esque humor.

Kjølen
08-08-2005, 01:05 AM
A man walks into a bar. In the corner of the bar, there is another very tiny man, about the size of your foot, playing on an equally tiny piano. The man walks up and sits in an old stool.

"Where did you get that little man?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, "Oh, that old stool you're sitting on is a magical wishing stool. You get anything you wish for. But it seems to be a bit messed up, though."
"I wish for a million bucks," says the man on the stool.
The entire bar suddenly fills up with one million ducks.
"See?" said the bartender. "I told you it gets messed up, do you think I actually wished for a 9-inch pianist?"

ET Warrior
08-08-2005, 01:57 AM
A guy is walking along the beach one day when he sees an old bottle in the sand. Thinking of stories of genies he rubs the bottle and *poof* there is the genie. Genie looks at the guy and says
"Look, I've have a really rough life, I'm trapped in a crappy old bottle and not a lamp, so I'm not in a good mood, I'll give you one wish instead of three and we'll call it good."

The guy is a little miffed, but hey, free wish. So he thinks and finally decides.

"I wish I could read women's minds"
"done"

The next day the man comes back and rubs the bottle again.

"What is it?" asks the genie?
The man replies, "The wish didn't work, I can't read women's minds, I don't hear a thing"

The genie says "...it worked."

<_<

>_>


*flees*

Tyrion
08-08-2005, 02:14 AM
A guy is walking along the beach one day when he sees an old bottle in the sand. Thinking of stories of genies he rubs the bottle and *poof* there is the genie. Genie looks at the guy and says
"Look, I've have a really rough life, I'm trapped in a crappy old bottle and not a lamp, so I'm not in a good mood, I'll give you one wish instead of three and we'll call it good."

The guy is a little miffed, but hey, free wish. So he thinks and finally decides.

"I wish I could read women's minds"
"done"

The next day the man comes back and rubs the bottle again.

"What is it?" asks the genie?
The man replies, "The wish didn't work, I can't read women's minds, I don't hear a thing"

The genie says "...it worked."

<_<

>_>


*flees*


You're gonna get banned by Lady Jedi. :p

Jed
08-08-2005, 02:14 AM
On a large commercial plane, the pilot announces that the turbulence is not what it seems, and that the plane is going to have to make a crash landing, at best. Everybody on the plane starts to go crazy; chaos ensues. Among the chaos, a woman stands up into one of the aisles, and rips her clothes off.

"Before I die, I want to feel like a woman," she screams. "Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A young man leaps out of his seat, and takes off his shirt.

"Yes, I am!" he yells, as he throws his shirt at the woman. "Iron this!"

<_<

>_>

*flees after ET*

El Sitherino
08-08-2005, 11:43 AM
You're gonna get banned by Lady Jedi. :p
Cept she can't ban.

El Sitherino
08-08-2005, 01:29 PM
I forgot to mention D333 can ban. :p

*laughs* JOKES ON YOU!

ET Warrior
08-08-2005, 02:59 PM
Seriously, I have never understood why women get so offended at sexist jokes about women. They're just as welcome to insult men, and I'll probably laugh if it's funny.

Venom750
08-08-2005, 03:11 PM
What did Vader say to Luke at christmas?
Luke i felt your presents :lol: :lol:

Also women out their don't penalize me for this

How do you know a blonde been by the computer
There's cheese by the mouse:lol: :lol:

El Sitherino
08-08-2005, 03:30 PM
Aye, I don't mind any kind of jokes as long as they're funny.

coupes.
08-08-2005, 03:37 PM
ET's joke reminded me of a similar one I knew. Here it goes...

------------------------------------------------
[insert generic man-find-genie-lamp-and-gets-1-wish intro here] *I know I'm lazy

So the guy thinks for a while and says...

- I get sea sick and I'm really aifraid to fly, so I wish there was a bridge connecting America and Europe so I can travel.

The genie then answers:
- Woah! That's a really big wish, I'm not sure I'm up to the task. Don't you have another wish instead ?

- Well... I wish I could understand woman.

So the genie answers:
- How many lanes do you want on your bridge ?
------------------------------------------------

And yeah... it's pretty bad, I know, but the thread is pretty bad too so far <_<

Lightsaberboy
08-08-2005, 03:42 PM
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Venom750
08-08-2005, 07:04 PM
A blonde and a brunette are going to jump of a buliding the

the blonde jumps first

then the brunette
who hit the ground first

the brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for direction

Lady Jedi
08-08-2005, 11:14 PM
Seriously, I have never understood why women get so offended at sexist jokes about women. They're just as welcome to insult men, and I'll probably laugh if it's funny.

I've never been offended by sexist towards women jokes. You guys have some pretty funny ones, too. :D Honestly I know plenty of those, yet none against men. :xp:

ET Warrior
08-08-2005, 11:33 PM
Honestly I know plenty of those, yet none against men. :xp:
Coincidence? I think not.... XD

guybroom
08-09-2005, 04:43 PM
Why drink and drive?
When you can spliff and fly :D

ET Warrior
08-09-2005, 04:52 PM
If you're not going to even TRY to make a good joke, then don't. Please.

BongoBob
08-09-2005, 05:12 PM
Don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink.

*HALO JOKE AHEAD*

"This here is an M12-LRV. I like to call it a Warthog."
"Why Warthog sir?"
"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in casual conversation"

ET Warrior
08-09-2005, 05:16 PM
More of a Red Vs. Blue ripoff joke..;)


A pirate walks into a bar with nothing but the steering wheel of the ship hanging from his crotch. When the bartender points it out the pirate says
"Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Kjølen
08-09-2005, 06:56 PM
Two blondes walked into a building.
Silly blondes. :p

Mike Windu
08-09-2005, 07:59 PM
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy *****.''

>_>

BongoBob
08-09-2005, 08:01 PM
More of a Red Vs. Blue ripoff joke..;)

So what :p

Tokarev
08-09-2005, 08:10 PM
I voted for Nader, I hate everyone!

ET Warrior
08-10-2005, 08:10 PM
The Man Commandments.
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights: - Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULL****!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.

ChAiNz.2da
08-10-2005, 08:26 PM
The Man Commandments.
:lol: :lol:
* ET has been granted +500 Kewl Points *

Mike Windu
08-13-2005, 03:55 PM
Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.

El Sitherino
08-13-2005, 05:39 PM
Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.
Nice one spongebob. Now tell the one about the squirrels.

Bob Lion54
08-13-2005, 06:32 PM
Ah , what the heck.

A man walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says you need and operation.
The man says "I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor says "ok, your'e ugly too"
BADOOMBOOOM!!

I got that from an episode of Star Trek where Data is trying to learn humor. I tell it to everone. Dosn't really work without a cigar, though.

ET Warrior
08-13-2005, 07:42 PM
A man walks into a dentists office and says "Hey, I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says "If you think you're a moth, why did you come into the dentists?"
And the guy replies "Well, the light was on."

<_<

Anthony
08-13-2005, 09:15 PM
If a gnome is standing in a subway station would that make him/her a metronome?

.....*fail*

Lightsaberboy
08-13-2005, 09:33 PM
A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.

The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."

The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."

The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."

The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "

Pie™
08-13-2005, 09:37 PM
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "
... Ew.

IG-64
08-13-2005, 09:42 PM
Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy says "duck!", the duck says "ow", and the bartender turns out to be a woman.

...

*shrugs* I got nothin.

coupes.
08-13-2005, 10:59 PM
ET walks into the doctors office with a frog attached to his forehead, so the doctor says : "How did that happen ?"

And the frog answers: "Well, it started off with a small wart on my bum but it just kept on growing..."

Mike Windu
08-13-2005, 11:02 PM
coupes for the win!

:D

ET Warrior
08-14-2005, 01:28 AM
*lameass joke*

Welp, I know who I'm killing.

Mike Windu
08-14-2005, 01:44 AM
The frog?

*rimshot*

:xp:

Sivy
08-16-2005, 09:45 AM
A man goes to see an eye doctor.
midway through the examination the Doctor says to him,
“you have to stop masturbating”
“why?! am I going blind?” asked the man
“no, but it's disturbing the other patients”

Alegis
08-16-2005, 11:10 AM
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Oh my god, bad bad BAD memories again

Feanaro
08-16-2005, 07:10 PM
What kind of bees produce milk?



Boobees!:)

Lightsaberboy
08-16-2005, 07:21 PM
What kind of bees produce milk?



Boobees!:)


omg for some reason im laughing so hard at that. lmao

guybroom
08-17-2005, 04:49 PM
this is really going downhill!

a man goes into a resturant. He sat down, ate a meal and walked out. [insert punchline here]


Yep - i'm out of ideas!

Tyrion
08-17-2005, 05:01 PM
A man and a women had sex.

What's odd about that?

The women was a man.

And the man had no penis.

>_>

TK-8252
08-17-2005, 05:10 PM
this is really going downhill!

a man goes into a resturant. He sat down, ate a meal and walked out. [insert punchline here]


Yep - i'm out of ideas!

I suggest taking ET's advice.

ET Warrior
08-17-2005, 07:47 PM
Just posting a joke you know isn't funny, and you KNOW isn't appreciated to bolster your post count is lame. This thread = over.