John Skywalker
09-24-2005, 08:32 AM
This is my first fan fic and i will be posting a chapter about every 3 days i would love for you to give me feed back as it would really help me so here goes

It has been 5 years after the event of kotOR 2:the sith lords and the republic is in an age of rebuilding so to has the jedi order lead by jedi master Briana who was trained by the jedi exile before he left in search of Revan which was 4 years ago but darkness is soon to return to the republic and the fate of a young boy will be decided.........

Chapter 1
John woke up with a start and looked at his clock "time to get up" he said to himself.He got up and walked to his mirror a handsome 16 year old boy with afro hair,brown eyes and smooth brown skin looked back he went to his waldrobe when there was a knock at the door "come in" John said already knowing who it was he could feel her.A woman with red and black robes and a blood red veil over her eyes came in "hi master Visas its nice to see you again" John said
"the feeling is mutual young padawan it pleases me that you are adapting to the ways of the jedi....you can start putting your robes on young one"John started putting on his padawan robes slightly embarresed and then Visas continued "you have only been here for 3 years along with other students but you are proving exceptional young one and the council feel its time for you to build your lightsaber" Johns face lit up he always wanted a lightsaber and learn all the forms he could to improve his dueling technique "thank you master Visas it is pleasing to hear that the council has picked me out of a lot of other padawan" john said happily
Visas replied "the council seek an audience with you right away you should follow me young one"
"yes master" John said back and him and Visas exited the dormitories and walked down the many halls of the jedi temple in coruscant which was once abandoned now being brought back to life with many padawan but the force was not as strong as it had been here before the Mandorlorian wars.They finally reached the council chamber and went inside Visas took her seat and John looked around at the council members there were Master Mira,Master
Briana,Master Visas,Master Atton and Master Atris she totally looked uncomfortable that John was in the room John knew that Atris had never liked him most of the council members were not jedi for long but were responsible for recruiting people able in the force John was told that jedi ususually recruit younglings but in this age 13 and under would have to do.As soon as Visas took her seat Briana spoke "John Wright the council has come to a conclusion that you are able enough to obtain a lightsaber but to do so you need to obtain a lightsaber crystal fortunately the force has shown us were u shall travel to get this crystal"
"Were must i go master" John asked
"You will journey to Onderon the Queen is celebrating her daughters 18th birthday and has invited the jedi to go but we are to busy with rebuilding so you will go young one onderon has many jedi relics so u should find wot ur looking for" Briana answered
"Master i dont think they would no a young padawan like me how will i attend"
"Master Visas will attend with you"Atris said sternly
Visas intervened "We leave in approximately half an hour so pack your things young one" John bowed and then left he liked his mission alot especially being with Visas she understood him more than anyone else and often told him he was special and the force needed him he has never understood wat she means by this but he does knmow she is the only one who cares for him as the other padawans are jealous of his ability and the council seemed to hold some truth from him he was in his room and started packing.As soon as John left the council chambers Atris spoke "he is dangerous you hav to see it there is much anger in him"
"he is also cocky and arrogant with his ability he reminds me of the exile" Atton replied with a faint smile "he is strong"Visas said "you cant fault him for that"
"we will have to watch him carefully i think there will be decisions for him to decide the fait of the jedi order watch him Visas please" Briana said
"i will masters i give you my word" Visas then bowed and walked out.
John was packing when Visas walked in "are you ready young one?" she asked
"yes master lets go" john said and they started to go to the shuttle bay were the spacesmart versin 4 shuttle was waiting John was trying to look ahead of his journey of the force which was something Visas tought him to do when he started to feel uneasy "master i fel that when we get to Onderon the wont jus be a party there will be something waiting for us" john said uncomfortably
"tell me what u see john" Visas said
"i dont know master something elusive" and with that joh boarded the shuttle with visas and they set off for Onderon

So tell me wot you think this chapter was really an introduction id love feed back!!!!!!!!

09-25-2005, 07:14 AM
it was quite good, though i suggest you use punctuation marks( . , capital letters, etc.). keep it coming.

John Skywalker
09-26-2005, 11:42 AM
thanks for the encouragement ill consider the punctuation when i write chapter 2 tonight

John Skywalker
09-26-2005, 02:15 PM

John Skywalker
09-27-2005, 06:56 PM
Party At The Palace

"It will take us about an hour to get to Onderon", Visas told John she then pumped the hyperdrive button and then they were on their way.After meditatin in silent Visas pondered on whether to ask John what was on her mind,"you want to ask me something",John asked,the force told him that their was something she wanted to know about
"Its a question really." Visas stopped, thinking whether to go on but she thought it was for the best "I only know a brief description about what happened to your parents would you care to tell me what happened." John thought about this for a few seconds,she should know she cares for me more than anyone else in the galaxy she like a big sister,"ok", John replied he took a deep breath and then continued,"There were massive death tolls on dantooine and they were getting bigger my mother,who was a jedi knight had romance and fell pregnant to a man who served the republice.......as a soldier", John's throat felt blocked he could feel the tears running down his cheeks but he still continued,"when the mandorlorian wars came I was one years old my dad went to fight and he fell my mum took me to were he died,which im not sure of and then she was somehow slain on the planet and i was somehow saved whoever saved me took me to coruscant and paid for an adoption for me to go to another family all my saviour left me was a night explaining to me what happened that is why i know as much.....if i find the person who killed my mother",John finished with clenched fists and a red mist came over him,he got up to walk away when Visas siad,"feel your anger,feel it and embrace it."
"Thats against the jedi code master i could be expelled or worse.... be seduced by the darkside",John said surprised at Visas comments
"Maybe going down the darkpath is'nt that bad after all young one"
"Master Visas i dont understand"
"Going to the darkside unblocks many abilities that would come useful to you if you were to bump into the one that killed your mother or perhaps you could even find the person" i can find the person who killed my mother,John thought but he took it out his head
"master Visas i dont think this is appropri-"
"of course not young boy", Visas interrupted as if nothing bad was said "forgive me i was trying to pass up time"
"ok", John said suspiciously,"i'm going to get some sleep wake me when we get to Onderon"
"Yes boy", Visas said with a smile.
"John we are here, weve already landed", Visas called.John woke up surprised that he had a good sleepeven though his trust in Visas had been shaken from how she was talking about the darkside John walked out were Visas was waiting for him.Visas signalled to the door and they both walked out of the shuttle.It was dark in the Merchant Quarter but the palace was lit up, Visas and John could hear the party from miles away,"we better go up the and congradulate Queen Talia and her daughter", Visas said,John nodded and they started to make their way towards the palace
John saw a lot of different species in the palace and already stocked up on food and jawa juice Visas grabbed him by the arm and they walked towards Queen Talia,"your highness im jedi master Visas and this ir my young student John we represent the jedi council and we are very grateful for your hospitality and congratulate you on a fine daughter you have"Visas said freindly
"thank you Visas we have rooms for you and your student in our guest chambers we will show you them after the party",Queen Talia replied
"thank you, oh and by the way were is your beautiful daughter"
"shes coming this way now", John turned around and he say a beautiful girl who was the princess "hi,cant talk mother have to see the guests", and she walked on barely giving John a glance.The party was a good affair but it finished soon after John and Visas arrived,"you would be wanting some sleep now?", Visas nodded and the Queen continued "i will get my guard to send you to your room".When John looked at the bodyguard he was dumbfounded she was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen jet black hair rosy cheeks and beeautiful blue eyes in an onderon robe with a staff John was falling for her already.The bodyguard motioned to the jedi to follow her,when they got to the guest Quarter she showed Visas her room"goodnight padawan"she said to John and he returned the compliment she thne showed John his room but before he went in he turned to her "so do you have a name or shall i call you guard?"
she laughed and said,"my names Andre,and do you have a name or shall i call you padawan?"
John chuckled,"your sense of humour is as good as your looks my names John and im sixteen how old are you?"
"seventeen,before you ask why im so young its because i was trained as a soldier since i was three" she said this as John looked surprised at her age,
"so you like this place?", John asked
"alrite i suppose once you get used to it",Andre said with a smile
"well i could get used to it now ive seen you", John said with a cheeky smile
"thanks for the complement but im a body guard im trained to resist emotions as you should to an i dont like the thought of being a housewife,goodnite",she finished starting to walk away
"goodnite", John called to her she had brushed him off but John wasnt going to give up that easily,maybe this will be even better than I thought,John thought to himself happily

John Skywalker
09-27-2005, 06:57 PM
Now tell me what you think feedback plzzzzzzzzzz

09-27-2005, 07:44 PM
So far its pretty good. My only suggestions are to watch your grammar, perhaps expand your vocabulary, and try to not use the same name/word too often in a chapter. In the first you used 'Young one' or something about three or four times. It can get a bit annoying to the reader.

As an example for the grammar:

It has been 5 years after the events of KotOR 2:The Sith Lords and the Republic is in an age of rebuilding. So too is the Jedi Order, lead by Jedi Master Briana, who was trained by the Jedi Exile before he left in search of Revan. He left four years ago. However, darkness is soon to return to the Republic and the fate of a young boy will be decided.........

(Corrections in Red :D)

Other than that, I think its pretty good...

John Skywalker
09-28-2005, 04:39 AM
cheers ill take it in mind

06-08-2006, 03:45 PM
cool man i like it

Edit: i liked it alot don't forget speling can you read my new one please i've read all the other ones

anakin34, please refrain from 'bumping' threads, please read our Forum Rules (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=151030). And please don't double post, that is have more than one post in a row, only the fan-fic writer is allowed to do that here and only when posting their stories. Thanks. -RH

06-09-2006, 01:37 PM
i thought it was really good, i liked how there was some diseption in visas. like every one else is saying though, the only problem is grammar. just read over your chapter 2-3 times. but i liked, cant wait for chapter 3.

John Skywalker
06-09-2006, 05:04 PM
I kind of abandoned this fanfic but after i finish my other fic i may come back to it.

11-13-2008, 03:00 PM