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machievelli
10-23-2005, 04:32 PM
For those that wanted to see their reviews...
Star Wars: Invisible Hope
Sabretooth
Set during SWIII. An Arc trooper operation goes bad during the clone wars...
Sabretoothís five chapter work is solid military fiction similar to ops in Vietnam which I have read about. When he learns the skill of editing and military nomenclature (A squad is about 10-12 men, a platoon is fifty or so Sabre), I expect great things of him.

The Battle For Almania
RC1162
Set in the Rogue Squadron series during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis. Introduction of Delta Squadron...
Good solid fiction. All in all though an excellent read.
RC1162 has the same problem a lot of us have. Heís thinking too fast when he puts words down on paper, so he sometimes mis-words the sentences. This is not the end of the world! I have stories I wrote in longhand that I canĎt read now because my handwriting deteriorates when I am thinking fast. All you need to do RC is reread it and edit before posting.

[FIC]Betrayal and Retribution
Stingerhs
Set during SW III and the aftermath. The circumstances that brought together the parents of a Jedi knight. When your father is Jango Fett and your mother a Corellian prostitute, life can be interesting.
Excellent work, excellent story. I especially like the way Stingerhs points out the biggest problem with the Republican government;

"That's what a System Government's job is: to make sure that the common populace isn't being suppressed. The Senate has made sure that it is a guaranteed right to all Republic Citizens." Of course if the Ďlocalí government takes away your freedom, thatís all right.

RC-1162
10-24-2005, 11:39 AM
good work. ill take ur suggestions in mind

machievelli
10-28-2005, 12:13 PM
From Lucas Forum


SW: KotOR: Knights of War
starmark2k

A disillusioned Jedi wanders the Republic during Kotor1.

His ideas do what good fiction should, go outside the boundaries of what has already been done without making the reader uncomfortable.
He tends to write in a stream of thought method similar to watching a movie. So do I on occasion. However this causes him to use the wrong words in some places and jump scenes rapidly which can confuse a reader. This is not a major problem, as I said I do the same thing (Which is why I edit my own work ruthlessly before you see it, and it still comes up with the oddest typos.)
Slow it down. Think about what youíre trying to say. Make clear breaks especially if youĎre jumping from one totally disconnected scene to another. Give the reader a chance to catch up with your flow of thought.


The Journies of Ryan Pano
vladimir-vlada
The exile is looking for a few good women. Lucky for him theyíre looking for a few good men. Set in Kotor2.
Parody is easy, but comedy is one of the hardest things to do with a serious subject. VV does it with style.
His writing style use of language (And his handle, Iím not stupid) told me that he wasnít an English speaker, but I have rarely seen parody done so well by anyone.
Space Amazons? Darth Santa Claus?
Choice!

Scum of the Old Republic (SotOR)
Jblue789
The world of KOTOR from the underbelly of society.
Well done kid. Few of us care for the seamy side of life, and you covered the situation well. However, as much as cops hate being upstaged, sending in a regiment (1500 men) after one crook is overkill. Tone it down, k?

From the Galactic Senate;

Through The Eyes Of A Handmaiden, Rabť's Story, The life of a Handmaiden, Rabť Napola.
By Emma Kenobi
The events leading up to Phantom menace through the eyes of a handmaiden to Princess Amidala.

In a diary format, good for those that want to discover the inner workings of the average citizen of Naboo. Because it is in diary format, the pace is a little slow.

My Dear, Sweet Sola, The Letter of a Stormtrooper
Jors_Dedon

A brief respite from fighting that nasty Rebellion for a Stormtrooper assigned to the forest moon of Endor.

The writer is merely writing a letter from a man to his girlfriend assigned to one of the ships on station before the battle of Endor, but as with all such relics of a forgotten time, it has itís own poignant charm.


From kotorfanmedia


Ask HK
zerokun1124

A parody with HK from KOTOR fame as an advice columnist.
While I thought the Ďjust kill himí attitude HK always displays would pall, it is remarkable funny. One of four in a series.

Struggle
Yggdrasil

After the destruction of the Star Forge, a Jedi out for revenge meets Revan and her crew.

I was hooked three paragraphs into this. Outstanding work, the angst of the main character is haunting.

Of Droids and meatbags- The Tale of HK47.
Yano Upav

The story of Revanís ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid.
Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The Ďdeath and destructioní view of HK works well in the fleet action which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more.

REDJOHNNYMIKE
10-29-2005, 01:52 AM
helpful:)
I haven't read much yet because they can get long, it's nice to have recomendations:D

Vladimir-Vlada
10-29-2005, 09:21 AM
Excellent advices. I must say that you have surely studied literature on a university, and it seems like that having a critique is not such a bad thing after all :D. I'm going to abbandon comedy for a while, and turn to EPICS. :D (hopefully it will be better than the attempt I tried to make).

His writing style use of language (And his handle, Iím not stupid) told me that he wasnít an English speaker, but I have rarely seen parody done so well by anyone.
Yes, it's true that I'm not an English speaker, but I was never really good at making comedies anyway.

machievelli
10-29-2005, 05:45 PM
Thanks for your praise Vladimir, but it may surprise you to know that I have only a High School education.
I have always read anything I could get my hands on, and having a mother that constantly ragged on me to do it right the first time was a big help. Plus I have been beating my head against the 'you don't have a name so why should we look?' wall with agents since the 1970s.
So far only three people have commented here. If any of you that I have reviewed feel that I have been to harsh, or want more concrete suggestions by all means post or PM me.

stingerhs
10-30-2005, 12:15 AM
thanks for the comments, machievelli. and, as a note, i haven't done much work on mine due to school, but if there's signifigant interest, i could try to devote some more time to it. ;)

The Doctor
10-30-2005, 01:38 AM
Could you take a look at my "clips"? They're only parts of the stroy (which, btw, is well under way), but I'm still looking for feedback. The thread is called "KotOR 0.5". No, that is not what the story is going to be called. I haven't decided on a title yet.

machievelli
10-31-2005, 11:00 AM
DOc, I am working from the bottom to the top on critiques, but if you want a PM critique (I pull my punches not at all in them) I'd be glad to.

RC-1162
10-31-2005, 01:16 PM
the hunt for the sith is finished so can u post a review on that?

machievelli
11-01-2005, 11:17 AM
The reason I started at the bottom was that those were the older stories, maybe languishing because of lack of interest, or the first attempts by some kid who then was too embarrassed to go on. The only site I am reviewing where this is not the case is the kotorfanmedia site. There the staff have them in alphabetical order by author name.
Rc, I will read it, and if you like, will send you a copy of the critique I will publish. However, I will not post them out of sequence.

RC-1162
11-01-2005, 11:25 AM
right, have it ur way.

machievelli
11-04-2005, 11:17 AM
An Empire to Crumble;
Sithums

Set in the post Kotor universe with a dark ending. Darth Revan and his apprentice Bastila go after the survivors of the fleet battle.

Well written, needing only some tweaking to make it excellent.

Angels of Destruction
RaV
As the Sith war continues, A new enemy, arises.

The only problem with the work is that Rav is trying to move the story along too fast, and ignoring important points. Lots of action, but without a better idea of what and why for the reader, it will drag. On the technical side one of the readers of the site who has already been reviewed has pointed them out, so I will elaborate;
A Ďklickí is a kilometer, .64 miles for you fellow Americans out there. Unless a transmitter has a range of 11 billion kilometers, it wonít even reach a light yearís distance to call for help. When you consider that Proxima Centauri, the closest star to us is 4.3 light years (47.3 billion klicks) you see the problem.
So far in the series, I have yet to see anyone communicate with a ship in hyperspace. If this is incorrect, please tell me. I have always envisioned being in hyper as digging a hole and pulling the dirt back in after you. Until you dig out again, you are totally separate.


STAR WARS KOTOR: RETURN OF THE SITH
John Skywalker

Set 5 years after the events of KOTOR2,
The Republic rebuilds, but evil is already there in unexpected places...
The story is well written needing more than anything else, a good editor.
Like a lot of the younger ones here, John doesnít use his grammar checker often enough.
Donít take this as a nasty dig, kids! My first ever story, written in 1964 at age 11 was written in long hand on the back of what I had available, which was old discarded computer punch cards.
I am eternally grateful that I didnít post it here. None of you would even speak to me again if I had.

From the Galactic Senate;


Star Wars: Dark Shadows, When the shadows emerge...
Jors_Dedon

Set in the period before SW1. A young Jedi is set on a course to confrontation with Darth Maul.
The writing style is a bit slow, but I think it is because the writer is feeling the way, unsure what might upset the reader. All in all worth looking at.

A New Era, A fanfic taking place during the NJO...
vyndim
A brief interlude for business during the world of the new Jedi Order

Vyndim only wrote two posts, and the story is not well developed yet. I am withholding my comments in case he writes more.

Star Wars: The Assassin Project,
Obi Wan

Six months after the battle of Genosis, yet another enemy joins the Confederacy

While Obi-wan only made two posting, he gave enough that I would really like to see more. The main problems he has are the same that every young writer has, talking (Mentally) faster than his fingers can keep up.


From kotorfanmedia:
kotorfanmedia is redoing their site to gain some of their bandwidth back. Because of this, they have disabled the authorís list. This means that the system I had started with, running them alphabetically from the bottom will be held until they either put it back in or, more likely, do away with it. Therefore I have started with Light side Revan posts and again, gone back as far as possible in time so that you get the older posts first. After saying that...

Feedback
Intrepid

After the destruction of the Star Forge, Fiala as Revan is known decides that maybe the Jedi council thinks the galaxy would be better off without her.

I canít praise this story enough. When a story ends, and Tolkien once said, it is only the beginning of the next, though we may not get to see it. How many of us have wondered about the aftermath of this war?

Protocols - an AtF Deleted Scene
Atheneprime

Revan and HK have a discussion about human mating practices. During Kotor1.

Atheneprime is one of the moderators/editors of kotorfanmedia, and struts her stuff excellently in this comic romp. The pacing is excellent, the commentary witty and HK talking of his Ďresearchí when remembered in the deadpan style of his voice from the game will reduce you to tears of laughter. The readers on the site gave this 37 thumbs up and I agree wholeheartedly.

Foresight Prologue
Arrow

Set during interim between Kotor 1 and 2
As Revan and the Onasi family settle into Ďmarital blissí old memories start to surface.

Well written, an excellent read.

Sabretooth
11-08-2005, 10:30 AM
Wow, hey, thx for the comments man. Would you mind reviewing my other fanfic, Jaden Korr - Darth Qollous?

machievelli
11-08-2005, 11:10 AM
I will look and as I said above to Doc and RC, will send you a copy of what the review will say.
If you want a down and dirty 'the spark-plug goes there' review, send me a PM, and I will.

machievelli
11-13-2005, 03:28 AM
Sorry everyone, a busy day interfered.

From the Coruscant Entertainment center

A SHORT CLONE WARS TALE
John Skywalker

A brief vignette At the end of the Clone Wars

As I have said of others, he doesnít know the military, but as I also said before, since his main character is a Jedi, that isnít a big problem. Again, using the grammar and spell checker would help a great deal. However the pacing and basic story idea are excellent.


Nar Shadaa
Hallucination

A group of young toughs set out on the road to adventure during KOTOR II

An interesting story because while he starts out hesitant and full of grammar and spelling problems, he smoothes out and becomes very enjoyable. At fourteen his style is reminiscent of the young adult fiction written in the 50s.


The next story in line is my own. When I accepted this job, I told them I would not review my own stuff. It isnít fair to the others, and it isnít fair to me. So someone else will be reviewing this.
Maybe one of the people I reviewed would like to try? If so PM me.

Tales of the Republic Crisis
Vladimir Vlada

Heís only done the Star Wars style rolling into so far. I want more before I decide.

From the Coruscant Theater

Yoda Has A Bad Day, A day where everything goes wrong...
Clara

The title says it all. Set when Obi Wan Kenobi was still a teenager.

Clara had a lot of fun putting this together. Think of your worst day, then call yourself Yoda instead. The only problem I had with it was she didnít come back and do more than one brief chapter.

Star Wars: The Betrayal On Risiang 5
Darth Vegas

Jedi go after a Hutt crimelord. Set in the republic era.

The pace tends to be jumpy, and needs some work. The story needs editing more than anything else.

Wraith Squadron, A New Beginning
Jors Dedon

Set following the book Wraith Squadron

A new pilot assigned to Wraith Squadron has problems to deal with.

Usually I read just one maybe two posts by a writer for a review. In that space you get an idea of their abilities, and the story line.
Not this kid.
Jors Dedon deserves some serious attention. While he has the same problems a lot of young writers has, his style is crisp clean, and he knows enough about a fighter pilotís mentality and squadron politics that he carries the story well.


from kotorfanmedia

Futureís End
Rose07
Katrina as Revan is called in this one struggles with who she was and who she is Set in the aftermath of the Star Forgeís destruction.

An excellent read. Rose takes the cardboard characters created by the game and makes them human for us.

Iíve Come For You
Arrowmaker

Carth faces up to Saul in his revenge, but Saul returns a bitter fruit.

Based on the segment aboard the Leviathan, Arrowmaker has interwoven the lyrics of the song ĎThe end Has comeĒ into the bitter battle. I have never heard it, but the lyrics work perfectly. Excellent.

Shadows of the Past
Cracker Jack
Set in the aftermath of the Star Forge mission, Revan is hounded not only by righteous indignation, but by others from her past as well.

Short well written chapters. CJ draws you in very well.

Alkonium
11-13-2005, 11:55 AM
What? You didn't review my story yet?!

Vladimir-Vlada
11-13-2005, 12:34 PM
Tales of the Republic Crisis
Vladimir Vlada

Heís only done the Star Wars style rolling into so far. I want more before I decide.

I apologise for that, I will try to finish it as fast as I can.

Hallucination
11-13-2005, 01:59 PM
Nar Shadaa
Hallucination

A group of young toughs set out on the road to adventure during KOTOR II

An interesting story because while he starts out hesitant and full of grammar and spelling problems, he smoothes out and becomes very enjoyable. At fourteen his style is reminiscent of the young adult fiction written in the 50s.

Thanks, and my style is probably like that because I read a lot old sci-fi. to bad that I lost where I was going in the story.

machievelli
11-13-2005, 02:16 PM
To Vlada, don't worry! I'm waiting for more.
To Alkonium, I promise I will get to it. I started at the bottom so that I was going by older works.
Hallucination, I have on my computer right now forty odd stories that have gotten about as far as you have gotten. When "m stymied with something else, I go back to them, and sometimes they start up again. If you really need suggestions for where to take it PM me and I might be able to jump start it again.

Hallucination
11-13-2005, 06:58 PM
Thanks for the offer, but I'm really busy in school right now.
P.S. You said that my writing style is reminiscent of young adult fiction written in the 50s. Is that good or is it "My lord space air is leaking into the rocket! Get you goggles on or else the air will turn you into zombies from the 4th dimension" (bad)?

JediKnight707
11-13-2005, 10:34 PM
Shoot, I had hoped that you would review my story. Oh, well. Your pretty busy. :) Keep it up.

machievelli
11-18-2005, 09:47 AM
I may be a bit slow on updating for the next couple of weeks. Our car was stolen this morning before 2AM and we're going to be frantic trying to come up with the cash for a new one...

From Lucasforum: From the Coruscant Entertainment center


The Star Map
Kookaburra

Before KOTOR1, Revan and Malak find the first Star Map and begin the Saga.

Kookaburra has some very good stuff here, but needs to go back to edit it. He makes some mistakes, but they are all in the neophyte category, things every writer does wrong when they start.
As someone who has an excellent memory, I know some things are out of sequence. He has the characters reacting to the Mandalore war before the Jedi are even asked to assist and even before the war has begun. He has Revan leading off the Jedi warriors at least five years too early.
Yet he makes up for it by creating a panorama of the Mandalore wars that bears further examination.

The Hunt for the Sith
RC1162
Set three months after Invisible hope by Sabretooth. A strike team penetrates an enemy facility but finds more than they bargained for...

Well written, the piece is compelling in itís blunt appraisal of small unit combat.

The following piece was passed over because I was thinking Star Wars, and it isnít. Sorry kid, hereís the review you deserve...

Mystery of Twilight Forest
Renegade Angel

For a start RA, it isnít bad. Itís a typical Ďkids in troubleí story, and every aspect of what they must do appears to have been covered and well. You do have problems with spelling (Sheathed was spelled right, but shewed is spelled shooed) you also have problems with homonyms (Words that sound the same but are spelled differently).
The only point where I moaned about the piece was when you had the character polishing a sword with a wet leaf. You never touch the blade with your bare fingers, and never never never use anything to wipe it that isnít dry.

From the Galactic Senate: Coruscant Theater

A different kind of bedtime story
Siri Ruane

A bedtime story for young Boba Fett set before Attack of the Clones

If you have ever read a bedtime story to an inquisitive child, you will recognize pacing. The story was intriguing itself, in that the child asked for reality, got it, and like most children in that position, refuses to believe it still. Very well done.

Dreams and nightmares
One with Many Names

After the rise of the New Republic, Luke Skywalker has a nightmare.

The writer had a good concept, but needs serious work on spelling, and grammar. The descriptive portions of the narrative were sometimes overdone, giving a movie feel to it.

Broken Hearts: The Death of Padme Amidala
Jacen Solo

While Jacen Solo has an excellent writing style it doesnít cover up the fact that the premise for the story was hackneyed. The widow or betrayed dying of grief has been done and overdone.

From Kotorfanmedia

Fate and Redemption
CaraElle

Based on the KOTOR1 game.

The first few days of Carth and Halae (Revan) on Taris.

The writer made an abrupt departure from the game, replacing characters, and cut out a great deal of the by-play of the first hour or so of the game. The descriptions of Carth, the attitude of Halae in dealing with him, are well done.

Foolís Gold
Jakia

Bridging the two games KOTOR1 and 2.

Sitting in a station, Carth is reminiscing about all the problems a person has loving a Jedi.

A short piece, it is pretty much the angst you would expect in this situation. I will have to find other work by the author to properly judge it. So I found;

Chapter One: Skewed Perceptions

Set in the KOTOR2 world.
A pair of fraternal twin exiles (male dark and female light side) awake to discover that they have just missed being sold to the exchange.

The writer has a clean style and smooth delivery. The story is intriguing to me. However the story of opposing twins has been done and overdone.

Trapped
wingedrevan

Set after the events of KOTOR1. Revan deals with her love of Bastila, and her acts as the Dark Lord.

A well written piece with an excellent view of the angst of the character.

RC-1162
11-18-2005, 10:07 AM
great work Mach, and im sorry for you about your car.

JediKnight707
11-19-2005, 02:17 AM
Yea, sorry about your car (and good work). Well, shoot I was hoping mine would get reviewed, but oh well. Keep it up :)

machievelli
11-19-2005, 05:11 PM
To sabretooth, once i am done with the KOTOR line I will begin on the other games. When I do, I will post here and there under the same byline
Jedi Knight 707. I will get there, I promise.

JediKnight707
11-19-2005, 05:38 PM
I'm not complaining, I like your reviews :)

Sabretooth
11-20-2005, 01:12 AM
Cool, sorry about your car, though. Oh, and there are no fanfic forums other than this and the one at JediKnight's, as far as I know. Oh, and the one at JK is real dull, hardly anyone passes by. And... how about somebody sticky this?

JediKnight707
11-20-2005, 01:22 AM
Thats what I was thinking, somebody should stickitize this thread.

Hallucination
11-20-2005, 01:23 AM
The mods don't think we're cool enough for a sticky ;)

JediKnight707
11-20-2005, 01:35 AM
Those bastards cool people
>_>
<_<

machievelli
11-23-2005, 11:05 AM
People, this only started a month ago, right? When I was accepteded, Darth told me it would be posted on Star Wars Knights, and it has. I know I post it. Maybe they will do a sticky for the other segments of the forums, but I'm not worried or offended.

RC-1162
11-23-2005, 12:48 PM
ah, when do the mods ever think were cool enough?? :D

Hallucination
11-23-2005, 08:30 PM
^When we bribe them ;)

machievelli
11-25-2005, 12:47 PM
From Lucasforum: From the Coruscant Entertainment center

A Jedi's Promise
Fuu

Based on events before KOTOR

A young Jedi carries out her promise to the man she loves, Revan...

Well done, with some interesting quirks that keeps you interested. Keep writing it, kid!

A Jedi's Sacrifice
Obi Web
After the events set out in KOTOR, Gando Star (Revan) must decide what to do with his life.

Well written, but at the same time unsatisfying. Obi needs to do a bit more before I can really judge his work

Kotor 0.5
By the Doctor
Set before the events in Kotor 1; Highlighting the characters of the game, A glimpse into the byplay that led to Revanís departure from Dantooine.

Well written needing only editing to smooth it out.


From the Galactic Senate: Coruscant Theater

A Clone Wars Story: FLAWS
sidious618

Set not long after the battle of Geonosis. A Jedi is assigned to monitor Padawan that must be made ready for promotion at the same time that the Sith plan to kill them.

The style is abrupt, and like most young writers, sidious618 doesnít understand the paragraph and conversation breaks yet. However it looks good and is worth reading.

The Last Apprentice
Zane Marit

Set before Star Wars III, Anakin is assigned an apprentice and goes on an important mission

The style is confused because the author tends to a shift from the past to present mode. The writing is interesting and the story line excellent.

Star Wars: Destiny, AU Clone War
Obi Wan

An alternate universe story set 15 Months after The Battle Of Geonosis.

All right, itís alternate universe, but having Anakin and Obi Wan A: Hating each other and B:, at odds with who gets Padme is a bit much for even me. Just the one chapter.


From Kotorfanmedia

The Solo Journals
Brenna Solo

Revan (Brenna Solo) plots to coerce the Jedi Council so she can keep the man she loves.

The style is fun and irreverent. Worth a second look.

From the Ashes
Prisoner 24601

Starting 72 hours before the KOTOR game.

The style is crisp and clean, and the small amount of background (Giving Carth a rank for example) helped a great deal.


Slow Dissolve
Rose 07
Set before Kotor II. Admiral Carth Onasi deals with attacks by Sith and insurgency on Telos.

An interesting style done more through introspection by Carth than anything else in the first chapter.

JediKnight707
11-28-2005, 02:14 AM
So close!!!! I hope that you review on mine is gonna be lengthy :¨: :lol: I'm just kidding, good review :)

stingerhs
11-28-2005, 11:48 AM
ah, when do the mods ever think were cool enough?? :Dyou guys are complaining!?! may God have mercy on your ungrateful souls....

thread stickied.

machievelli
11-28-2005, 12:59 PM
Great! Now I'm a post-it note!!!

Alkonium
11-28-2005, 03:12 PM
so, you going to review mine soon?

Vladimir-Vlada
11-28-2005, 03:20 PM
go away 1
O.O Whoever voted this really doesn't know how to appreaciate someones effort.

Hallucination
11-28-2005, 08:18 PM
you guys are complaining!?! may God have mercy on your ungrateful souls....
thread stickied.
Thank you, +10 cool points :D.
@Mach: :rofl:

machievelli
11-30-2005, 01:30 PM
VV there's always one in every crowd. I'm just glad it's only the one.

RC-1162
11-30-2005, 02:37 PM
yep, so are we.

machievelli
12-02-2005, 11:21 AM
The Corrupted Republic
Steven
Ten Years after Kotor II, Possibly intro to Kotor III

A man with no memory has visions aboard the Yavin Spire.

The writer tends to use the wrong words, or to misspell them Like another person who had seen the work, I assume English is a second language. The idea is good, but the flow of the narrative causes the reader to drag with it. Just an editing and spelling problem. No biggie.

Unnamed
Darth Terros
500 years before the battle of Yavin.
Two Jedi go on a mission that quickly goes wrong. The survivor hides on a planet.

DT is obviously young, the style is jumpy and punctuation is poorly done. However, I want to see more of this kidís work.

Secrets of the Force
Renegade Angel
Set 4 years after Malchior V
RA tends to jump around a lot, and it gets confusing. But his story is intriguing.
My only real problem with it is this; The force is something created by living beings, and I donít believe that a simulator of any kind would allow you to actually test what it could do without serious drawbacks.
Picture say Obi Wan from SW1 turning, and throwing the force push as he did to knock down the droids in the first section .
Now picture it inside a simulator with REAL walls beyond the holographic target.
You would need something twice the size of the holodecks from Star Trek, and even then it would be a problem.
But that is a minor point, and only bothers the Ďpuristí as my wife would say.

From The Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Back Stage, Spice and Peace Brigade Dealings
Darthsolo

Set at the start of the Yuuzhan Vong war. A comedian/shipís captain finds himself knee deep in the Peace Brigade.

The story was intriguing because this is a side of Republic life you rarely see. The inner workings of trason in action, yet told from the point of view of someone who gets into it without knowing. Worth a look.

Revelations, a clone wars story
sidious618

A Clone Wars Story
Starting the day after the battle of Geonosis, the inner workings of the senate and military in the first months of the war.

Well written, and thought out. Sidious obviously know the subject matter.

Dark Tidings: An Imperial Agent's Story
James T. Skywalker

Set during the Empire after the Rebel Alliance was formed. The travails of an Imperial Agent.
The story is well written and fast paced. The use of nomenclature in the first two chapters was perfect.


From Kotorfanmedia


Chasing Redemption, Prologue: A Hard Truth
Prisoner 24601

Direct sequel to the authorís From the Ashes .
The style is still excellent, and the segue from sad memorial for a fallen enemy to arrest by special operations troops is well done. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it ten thumbs up. Add mine to it.

Layers of Deception, Chapter 1
Seraterranova

Starting with the destruction of the Endar Spire

The writing is steady and crisp, the characters well defined.

Searching For What Was Lost
Allroav

Set after KOTOR: The scattered crew of Ebon Hawk begins the search for Revan.

Very well done, the reactions of Dustil and Mission to the loss of someone they cared about only accentuates the reaction of Carth.

machievelli
12-09-2005, 11:32 AM
Darth333, who asked me to start doing these made one request recently, and that was that I post URLs for the stories I review. If you want one for a previous review, please contact me via my own e-mail audmun@msn.com. Eventually I will have one attached to Star Wars Knights.com, but it hasnít been activated, or maybe just not where I can get to it.

Darth333 has also decided that if anyone is going to stick a fork in me and tell us if I am done, it is her. So yes Virginia, there will be a critique of my work soon enough.


From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Legendary Exile
analia
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154587

A young girl is given a mission to find her sister Revan.

The only problem I had with this story little lady is you didnít go any farther.. Come on!

Star Wars KOTOR III: The True Sith Empire.
Kookaburra
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155729

The continuing story of the Exile and his mission

This is the second of kookaburaís works I have read. The ideas are there but again there are the neophyte problems. The first paragraph should by my estimate, be three.
He doesnít show much knowledge about weapons. Of course this is because heís working from the game, and everything you hold in your hand to inflict damage is automatically a melee weapon. It is just that there are over fifty varieties of sword alone that I can think of without cracking a book.
Donít take it as a major attack, kid. It is a minor thing that will be fixed by time.

An Apprentice's Betrayal
RagingHippy212
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155982

The fateful days before Revan is captured.

Like a lot of the kids writing here, the author doesnít know a lot about the military and how it is organized. Here a specific mistake was made, and I will address it because it is an uncommon one.
Even when they are technically the most important men on a mission, (Seal teams, pilots, etc) a junior officer is not in charge unless there is no one senior to him in rank. What he says is taken into account, and more weight is given than normal because of it, but that is it. You announce Ensign Ulgo, yet have him giving orders to a fleet and berating a Jedi. A junior officer in that situation doesnít Ďassumeí that his word is writ. Not and go much farther in the service.
There are some editing problems, and that is pretty much all the nasty stuff I can say.
Except for that it is well written and worth reading. Keep it up and bring it on kid!


From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

STAR WARS RESURRECTION: ETERNAL DARKNESS
darth cimmer
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5561

44 years after the battle of Endor, three Jedi are sent on a mission and immediately discover resistance.

The pacing is fast, and furious. The writer keeps you going.

Power Of The Force: Rise Of The Legions
obi-wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5562

A year after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war a new evil arises.

The only problem I had with the story was the idea that the Star Forge might still exist in the time of the New Republic. After all, wasnít it destroyed at the end of Kotor 1?


The Light of an Ignored Star
Erick Landrider
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5646

Tatooine, 39 years after Return of the Jedi

Here instead of saying something off the cuff, Iím going to use his own words;

It is a story of a no-name who's dedication and no-quit attitude keep him going in the worst times of his life.

The story is one section of life you donít see very often, the dragging poverty and boredom of real life. The main character is not even remotely likeable because he just irritates you.
What irritated ME was he only did the one chapter.




From kotorfanmedia

Letting go
Jiara
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=311

Carth learns to let go of his hatred
In interim between Kotor and Kotor II

The write is intense from the first few sentences, Jiara pushes the pace, as would any woman in the situation she is describing. Excellent

Thinking ĎBout It
fnord
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=358

Starting with the escape from Endar Spire, a comedic look.

Fnord enjoys the work, and is funny without really trying. Most of the humor is about the situation in this first segment, falling and accidentally spearing an opponent, that kind of thing.
Iím going back and finishing it.

Findings - A Jedi
clodilla
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=432

Kotor 1 The first tentative conversations between Carth and Illitha (Revan).

I actually got some ideas for changes in my own work from this. The style is brisk with a lot of introspection by both characters.

Alkonium
12-09-2005, 09:41 PM
so you're going to wait to review mine until I'm done the trilogy?

JediKnight707
12-09-2005, 09:54 PM
Are you purposefully evading mine???? :rofl: Nice review.

RC-1162
12-10-2005, 12:03 PM
i think you should just hyperlink the fanfic names Mach, that will look better.

machievelli
12-10-2005, 03:46 PM
guys, until Darth333 asked me, I was just running through the sequence from start to finish. Cut me some slack!

machievelli
12-10-2005, 03:57 PM
Jedi707, I've been going from old to new

stingerhs
12-11-2005, 12:09 AM
and i agree with machievelli, so just mind your own business. besides, nobody said that we had to give you guys reviews on the stories you write. remember that. ;)

machievelli
12-11-2005, 12:39 AM
as for hyperlinking, I'm an old man who remembers when a computer as powerful as this POS of mine needed a 20 by 20 room with seven half inch wide, ten inch reel tape drives. I don't know HOW to hyperlink

JediKnight707
12-11-2005, 01:34 AM
:rofl: POS...

Darth333
12-12-2005, 12:20 PM
Good job :)

...you can expect the critique of the critic in about a week :D

machievelli
12-12-2005, 01:09 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!

RC-1162
12-12-2005, 01:48 PM
um, good luck.
and if you were serious about the hyperlinking bit, go here (http://www.lucasforums.com/misc.php?do=bbcode) and scroll down to the hyperlinking bit

Vladimir-Vlada
12-12-2005, 04:08 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!
Poor guy. I can only imagine through what kind of hell is he going to pass. Good luck!

Sabretooth
12-16-2005, 11:17 AM
*raises hand*

Can I be the critic critic critic?

RC-1162
12-16-2005, 11:27 AM
sure, and ill be the critic critic critic critic

machievelli
12-16-2005, 01:17 PM
16 Dec

Rescue from Mustafar
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155005

65 Years after the Battle of Yavin, Three Jedi face the legendary HK47

The action is fast and furious, which is good, but the author is compressing it, making it more like a series of movie clips than a coherent story. Like watching just the commercials, and saying you saw the movie. A story must be coherent beyond the action sequences. There must be an underlying bed of created reality to keep the readers on track. This type of thing can work for a movie, but tends to fail in the written work.
The main problem with this work is the writer is trying to bridge a 4,000+ year gap and cannot do it seamlessly. There is no explanation why a robot over 4,000 years old is still running around, why a droid army which was shut down in Revenge of the Sith is still operational, and why they had to name a ship the II, when after 4,000 years I am sure a few others had been christened with that name.
It needs work, but it will work if it is cleaned up.

Fall of the Jedi
RagingHippy212
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156400

Very good. My only problem is there isnít enough to keep me going. Write some more, kid.

The Plight of Darkness
ForceFightWme12
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=151361

After the destruction of the Star Forge.
Revan and Bastila start at loose ends.

I have been asked several times to review this, and have held back to allow all the other reviews below it.
It was worth the wait.
The style is hesitant, and the author is right when she said she misspelled some things. It needs editing, and that is pretty much all I can say about it in a negative vein.
Youíre good kid. Really good.


From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Ben Skywalker: Father's Shadow
Obi Wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5585
46 years after A New Hope
A Young Jedi teeters on the edge of the dark side.
The style is good but the writer tends to merely let the story drag him along instead of guiding it. Like a lot of young writers this is not a really bad thing. It just means he has to spend more time polishing his craft.


Double Legacy
Princess Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5652

Set four and a half years after A New Hope. Luke and Leia travel to Naboo to find out about their mother.

The basic story is good but the writer is buried in minutiae at the start. This I believe is because like a lot of the younger generation, she was raised with visual rather than written entertainment. This is not a bad thing, but it does show in the writing style. It needs to be smoothed out, but that is what editing and rewriting is for.
The only problem she has that really needs addressing is the political system on Naboo. Remember that while Padme was called Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace, the title seems to be what they call their president, rather than a title that is passed on to the children. She started with the idea that being Padmeís son automatically made him King.
Again, a minor problem, easily corrected.


Victory Quest: The Growing of the Shadows
Sidious618

A continuation of his earlier work Revelations

Like revelations, he tells the story with news clips followed by vignettes. Well done.

Kotorfanmedia

Coming to Terms
xenzen
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=456

Between Kotor 1 and II.
There is a reason Jedi shouldnít love...
Kotorfanmedia does what they call dueling circles, a round-robin story line. I have left them alone mostly because the stories, due to having other writers putting their oars in, in inconsistent.
However xenzen has outdone himself with this segment. The angst of a couple loving each other, yet arguing about something as simple as how to treat a young adult is excellent.

Carth Vs Revan
Carthlover64
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=453

Set after the destruction of the Star Forge. Revan and Carth face the fact that they might not be together...

Iíve never been much for romance writing. The work is clean and workmanlike, with a deep understanding of the problems of having a forbidden relationship. It isnít my cup of tea, but if you enjoy love scenes, I would suggest reading it all.

Debt
lastofthelineage
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=464

Set after KOTOR I
A redeemed Malak must prove Revan is innocent of a heinous crime.

There arenít many stories out there where Malak was redeemed, and this was the first I have read. The style is excellent, and only needs editing to make it first class.

Alkonium
12-16-2005, 05:43 PM
I see, that you've given me a somewhat bad review. But don't worry, in the next two parts of my trilogy, I'm putting a lot more work into them.

ForceFightWMe12
12-16-2005, 08:19 PM
Thanks for the review! Note to self: Use spellcheck

machievelli
12-16-2005, 11:55 PM
Alkonium, I'll make a deal with you. I'll review you again next month. Check out the comment I PMed you.
Force, Edit, edit, edit.

Alkonium
12-17-2005, 12:41 AM
Actually, I'm going to leave my story as is, and put a lot more work into the next parts, as there are too many parts of the story requiring a post-movie era setting.

JediKnight707
12-17-2005, 01:43 AM
Were getting there...soon my review shall dominate *evil laughter, thunder slaps me and RC1162* Good review :D

machievelli
12-23-2005, 02:26 AM
I am posting a little early so I can start my Yule celebration. Those who are going to be reviewed next should be warned that I will probably have a hangover next week.
That isn't true, I never have hangovers. But hey, it's a good excuse.

24 December
First, Happy Yule to my fellow Pagans. Merry Christmas to the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, Solemn Tet to the Buddists Happy Boxing Day to Canadians

From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

Triumph of the Republic
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156087

Continuation of story Rescue from Mustafar

The only complaints I have here are the same ones for Rescue from Mustafar..
Beyond that the action is excellent, storyline well done.

Path of Betrayal
Robqeldroma
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156628

Set 50 years after KOTOR II: The Sith Lords
A young man is sent on a spy mission to infiltrate the Mandalorians
In the third section you misspelled feigning. No biggie.
While I am surprised sometimes by how bad some writing can be, I am refreshed when I find excellent ideas done well. Rob except for some editing problems and some misspelling, I have nothing bad to say about it.
Well done!

Star Wars: Victim of Betrayal
Sabretooth
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155419

Sequel to Invisible Hope, concurrent with Revenge of the Sith
When Order 66 was passed, some didnít take it well..

The problem I have with Sabretoothís work is itís always good enough to keep me going, but he never writes it fast enough to keep me happy.

Very Well done. You mentioned the KOTOR prequel, let me know when itís started.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


In My Father's Shadow
Jedi Bounty
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5070

The unknown daughter of Obi Wan Kenobi seeks her father even as evil forms around her.

First, itís great to have a story that suggests that even Obi Wan was a youngster. The writing is excellent, the idea superb, and like a lot of you kids, only marred by editing and spelling problems. Keep it up!


All That Matters
princess_Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5692

An alternate Universe version of Return of the Jedi.
Fighting a debilitating illness, Luke moves toward reconciliation with his father.

I donít tend to like AU fiction but this is better than most I have read. As a possible outcome, it is well thought out. There was always the chance that Luke would either join his father, or the emperor. The writing style is a bit confusing, but not bad.

Jedi Outcast: Unlikely Heroes
Obi wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5860

A team of unlikely heros must save the galaxy

In writing there is the idea that you can take the story from a book and crossover into it from reality. The movie Galaxy Quest comes to mind.
This is one of those stories. The basis being that the entire Star Wars universe is real and just over there in the unfashionable end of the galaxy resides our own Earth. If he had left it at that, all well and good. But he also had the ship land, be found by George Lucas who stole the idea for a series of moneymaking movies and sent it back off into space where it crash-landed on Earth yet again to pick up a bunch of kids.
The style is pure Obi Wan Read my postings of his work from 5 November, 26 November and 16 December, needing polish more than anything else.


From kotorfanmedia

After the Star Forge
azoq
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=413
As the teaser says; ďSo what does the most famous heroine in the galaxy do after sheís defeated Darth Malak, destroyed the Star Forge and saved the Republic?Ē
ďShe goes on vacation,Ē
I thought it was horrible yet funny to have the Rakata homeworld suddenly become the most popular tourist trap in the galaxy. The writing is well done, and using the younger girl as the main character after Revan and Carth a good choice. Especially with the childís attitude that the Jedi are an evil Elf like group that steals children. Worth a look.

Questions of Character
jiara
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=500
After the destruction of the Star Forge, Carth asks Revan to marry him. The result...

Jiara had a lot of fun mixing angst, romance, and humor in this one segment. Having HK47 straining and grinding trying to be nice was the perfect touch. 18 people gave this a thumbs up on the site. It deserved them.

Silence Is Copper-toned
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=564

listed as following ĎFutureís EndĒ ĒSlow DissolveĒ and ĒLost and FoundĒ by the same author, though it was posted before the last listed. With Katrina (Revan) going somewhere, her daughter by Carth Onasi reprograms HK47 with humorous results.

Sheís done it again! I have yet to read anything of Roseís that I have not liked. I just wish I was as prolific.

JediKnight707
12-23-2005, 02:43 AM
I'm beginning to think that you don't like me :( How come you haven't reviewed mine yet?

RC-1162
12-23-2005, 06:36 AM
cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics :D *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

RC-1162
12-23-2005, 06:40 AM
um, FFWM12 is a she, Mach. maybe you should change that

Sabretooth
12-23-2005, 09:01 AM
Well, I rarely find the time to write, but heck this thread is a real motivator device. Expect the next chapter in a few days, people.

About my KotOR Prequel:
I'm going to start it when I'm done with VoB (Which is not going to be too long).
The prequel is set about a year before KotOR and is divided in two books: "The Rise of Ancete" and "The Fall of the Sith Lord". The first book focuses on Ancete as a strategist for an Exchange crime lord, and his rise from the lowly galactic mafia to the position of the Admiral of the Sith Fleet. The first book also looks at Revan's betrayal and Malak's grudges. The second book concentrates on the strategies and tactics employed by Revan and Ancete and the contradictory tactics of Malak and his grudges. It also features Bandon and sets up the ground for the situation of things in KotOR. The end of the second book will be just minutes before the beginning of KotOR.

Whew...

Alkonium
12-23-2005, 09:19 AM
Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

JediKnight707
12-23-2005, 11:09 PM
cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics :D *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

Oh, that's why :D *I tsk you for shooting thunder, but secretly agree with you* :rofl:

machievelli
12-24-2005, 01:25 PM
Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

Let me know, and I will read it all and review it again if you want.

As for FFWM12, I apologize for changing her gender in my review. I have repaired the oversight,and she can put her skirt back on.
It's just rare when I write something like this that the one I'm reviewing doesn't complain first.

Bingle Jells

Alkonium
12-24-2005, 05:41 PM
I noticed you made no mention of the fact that in my story, the Republic and the Yuuzhan Vong are allies. Is this to avoid contoversy, or because you're indifferent to that part?

machievelli
12-26-2005, 01:41 AM
How much do you know about history, kid? England was our mortal enemy through two wars, and a bosom budy from then on. Germany the same. Russia was friend, enemy, then friend again.
Considering when you have set it, a limited amount of working together made sense. I'm wondering if the alliance caused by the war between the Republic and Imperial Remnant will survive.

JediKnight707
12-26-2005, 01:56 AM
Got a review coming up soon Mach?

Sabretooth
12-26-2005, 10:00 AM
Oh, and like Alkonium, can you re-review VoB once it's done. It'll be somewhere between 10-20 chapters long.

Also, here's a porblem I've been having all this while. I don't use original words. Don't get me wrong, I have a reasonably vast vocabulary, but I just don't get the right words when I need them, which is why I often use the same words and phrases, or give awkward descriptions which can be easily solved by using a word or two. The words just don't pop into my head when I need them. Any ideas?

machievelli
12-27-2005, 11:26 AM
Let me know, Sabre.
Every writer has things they repeat ad nauseum. Don Pendleton in the Executioner series, Clive cussler with his last half dozen bookswhere he just had to inject a character of the same name.
When it's just words, try a thesaurus. The advantage of a computer, you can put it in, re-read the scene, and if that word doesn't work, just replace it. On the par, you haven't done that badly yet.
Besides, one thing I have constantly bemoaned in reading in the last half-century is that while there are more than 200,000 words in the English language, only about 4,000 are used even in College level texts.

machievelli
12-27-2005, 11:27 AM
By my estimate JD, two more weeks. Sorry.

Hallucination
12-27-2005, 01:47 PM
:eek: :eek:You double posted, isn't that illegal if you're a person with a job on LF? ;)

machievelli
12-27-2005, 02:12 PM
I don't think I actually have a job here, Hallucination. I'm just the critic for Starwarsknight.com. Unless they make me a staff member, I don't work here.

Hallucination
12-27-2005, 02:51 PM
^Its more of a job than being an ordinary member, so to me you'll be a staff member. Maybe an admin will put 'Status: Critic' under your avatar. (I doubt it, but they are getting nicer around here)

RC-1162
12-29-2005, 11:56 AM
i think you need a special staff post that says 'critic' for that. since all we have are mods, Smods and Admins, it no workie

machievelli
12-30-2005, 12:20 PM
Sorry I am a little late delivering the goods. Between Christmas, My anniversary (Which I remember and my wife forgets, go figure) and prepping for New Years, I have had a full dance card.
But you guys make it worth while.

Okay First Fanfic (Untitled first attempt)
Darth Beowulf
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157073
A young boy has his first experience with the Force and the Dark side.
The work is good kid. Another one of those simple fixes. Edit and spell-check.

The Battle of the Dark Lords
Theoneman
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156508
Malak Versus Revan in their final battle.
Except for spelling and editing problems, this is excellent! The scene is clear and moves well. Keep up the good work.

Luke Skywalker vs. Jacen Solo
Theoneman
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157340
The climactic battle scene of Luke Skywalker versus Jacen Solo.
Quality work again. My only question is why didnít you finish the fic?


Knight Trials
Zane Marit
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5278
Obi Wan struggles with the loss of Anakin Skywalker.
Departing from the series a little, but excellent work.

Trial Under The Suns
Kopernikuz
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=3330
A padawan wanting a challenge gets more than her bargained for.
While the writing style is good, he fails to hold my interest because he obviously doesnít know enough about ship to ship combat. While a pirate in an armed merchant vessel can and sometimes does take on and defeat a warship, it is unlikely that the merchant would be more heavily armed and armored than anything but a smaller warship.

A Killer Among Us
Kopernikuz
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=3148
A down and out Jedi canít resist the call of a mystery.
Make the Jedi the equivalent of the FBI. Take a typical Private investigator story with the PI an ex Jedi. Toss in a murder and the burning need to investigate, and you have this story categorized.
Itís very well written, and deserves a look.

Kotorfanmedia

Knights of the Republic III: Force of Echos
WebMistressGina
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=533
Revan is getting together a few good people...
The style is well done, the story easy and fun to read. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it twelve thumbs up. It deserved them.

Amplexus,
nihilio
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=534
After the Star Forge, Revan tries to come to grips with her life again.
The writing style is smooth and the angst of the main character well considered and revealed.

Lost and Found
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=566
Sequel to ĎFutureís EndĒ and ĒSlow DissolveĒ
I canít say enough good things about her work.

RC-1162
12-30-2005, 01:22 PM
happy anniversary, Mach. and great work once again.

JediKnight707
12-30-2005, 08:53 PM
Happy anniversary :D

Hallucination
12-30-2005, 09:45 PM
Happy anniversary :D. Great reviews, but I'm beginning to think
>_>
<_<
that you're going to easy on us.
>_>

Vladimir-Vlada
12-30-2005, 09:56 PM
Happy anniversary. I hope you had a good one.

Sabretooth
12-31-2005, 01:11 AM
Happy Anniversary, Merry Christmas (late, i know) and a Happy (and hopefully less critical) New Year!!!

To machie, BTW.

machievelli
12-31-2005, 08:10 PM
Sabretooth, ask my wife. I'm ALWAYS critical.

machievelli
01-06-2006, 12:30 PM
6 January 2006
Just an aside; Did you know that this column has gotten more views in this forum than all of my posted fiction combined?
Now I'm depressed.

Darth Sion: A legacy of Pain.
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157206
DarthSion101
A Sith master remembers his rise to power
For a first attempt it is very good. The story is compelling the characters well defined and only needs editing to make it work perfectly.

Sith or Jedi... Illusions.
Jamijaster
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157574

A young Jedi is exiled.
You pretty much said yourself everything critical about this piece that I could have. I have always said a good story is rewritten, and that is merely a quote from Arthur Clark.
Calm down, think of what you want to say. Visualize and begin. Remember that quotation marks are used to differentiate between who is speaking as are paragraph breaks.
Now try again.


The Adventures of John Skywalker
John Skywalker
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=153678
The Twin Brother of Anakin Skywalker is found and trained by the Sith.
I have critiqued some of Johnís work before, and he has the same problems but they are, as I said then, merely technical. He needs to remember to have paragraph breaks, watch when he has people speaking and check his punctuation.
Overall very good.


Galactic Senateís Coruscant Theater

Mara Jade Luke's Demise
dbzmaster
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5407

Set during the Vong War. After the death of Luke Skywalker, a 2026 year old Jedi falls in love with Mara Jade.
He jumps back and forth between present and past tense, and his scenes while compelling feel merely slapped together rather than conceived. The premise of the ancient warrior returning to save the day is a bit hackneyed, but like any idea, it comes back.
While the style is bothersome to me, the story is not to badly done.

Tales Of A Coruscant Cabby, The Isamu Starkiller Story
Isamu Starkiller
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=4738
A night on Coruscant through the eyes of a world weary cab driver.

A story where some people have inserted their own sections, the writing is reminiscent of the Harry Canyon segment of the Heavy Metal Movie, or the movie Taxi driver. An interesting read.

Jedi Slave
Princess Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5938

Set a year after the Battle of Endor, Han Solo is sent on a diplomatic mission. But the planet is proslavery and he needs a slave so...

The writer was immediately worried at the end of chapter 1 that people would be upset that she would have not only slavery, but that two of the major characters would be involved. Knowing politics as I do, that didnít bother me in the slightest.
What did bother me is the idea suggested in the work that Uncle Owen was abusive to the point of beatings. Something I did not detect even when Anakin Skywalker was still a slave.
The style is good, and only needs tweaking.

From kotorfanmedia

Promise
Mellyna
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=574
Set during KOTOR II
A short scene between A female Revan and another unnamed woman.
It is only a short piece, barely a page long. But it immediately caught my interest. Mellyna has two more stories she has written, and I almost went up the chain to find them before going on.
However I am sticking to my methodology. Well done!

Destinyís Pawn:
Allronix
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=598

Set in KOTOR I right before the capture by Leviathan
This piece is outstanding. Going from the bawdy songs of a crew relaxing after Manaan, to the angst of someone who wonders what there is to life after the force, then to a scene heavy with romance, then to an attack
Itís like riding a roller-coaster.

Donít Think
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=568
Set after Korriban in KOTOR I
Katrina (Revan) decides to push her relationship with Carth to the next level.
The same quality work she has done since I started this job. Very well done.

RC-1162
01-06-2006, 03:53 PM
yeah, no wonder youre the critic. (though youre not TOO critical)

Alkonium
01-12-2006, 07:41 PM
There, Triumph of the Republic is finished. And this time, say more about than simply "Continuation of story Rescue from Mustafar", ok?

stingerhs
01-12-2006, 11:03 PM
There, Triumph of the Republic is finished. And this time, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to first read my story and then write up a review.fixed. :dozey:

Alkonium
01-12-2006, 11:05 PM
fixed. :dozey:
Yes, I suppose what I said was a little rude. I apologise.

machievelli
01-13-2006, 11:07 AM
Alkonium, If you have read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, you know that Two towers is only a continuation of Fellowship of the ring. A sequel.
that is what I meant.
If an apology for my semantics is in order, I apologize.

machievelli
01-13-2006, 11:11 AM
13 January 2006
STAR WARS: Shadows Of The Past
BlackReflection
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157306

A Jedi needing to get his life straight is given an important mission

The biggest problem this little Dane has is that he is fumbling with English. Since all I know in Danish is nothing, I canít complain too much about that. He needs to edit and remember to finish his thoughts when he is writing.
The story is excellent and kept me going through that interminable prologue. Kid, it should have been at least five paragraphs.

STAR WARS: The Prophets of the Dark Side
Vain Naji-Mohr
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157999

A Sith Lord tries to derail a prophecy.
While he has problems with spelling, the writing is clean and well done. The only problem is that there isnít much to it yet. Keep writing, kid!

Shadow of Destiny
Gray Master
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158172
A silent witness follows Revan through his travails after erasing his memory.

The secret outside observer is one of the least used gambits in fiction, and GM does it well up to the end of this first chapter. I liked what I read, and what I want is more.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

A Chance Meeting,
Zane Marit
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5962
Luke meets Obi wan Kenobi for the first time when he is twelve.

The writing style needs some work because he tends to jump perspectives from third person present to third person past (The difference between saying Ďhe picked up the swordí to compared to Ďhe picks up the swordí) sometimes in one sentence. However Zane does excellent work.

A AU story. Untitled
Arica
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6107
In an Alternate Universe, Anakin Skywalker deals with the mistreatment of his grand daughter.

Picture Anakin and Padme living happily every after...
That is the premise of this short vignette. The style is god, needing only editing, and as with a lot of you kids, my primary complaint is that you didnít do enough!

Smuggler Assault,
Rikh
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6209

Set during the NJO, Smugglers set up to attack a force not realizing what they face.

The writing style is excellent, and the story well done. Rukh only has to edit the work to make it outstanding.

From Kotorfanmedia


Wounds of the Past
Phoq
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=583

Set on Kashyyyk after finding the Star Map.

Phoq has done some good work here. The style is a bit stilted, but that will improve with practice.


The Wayside
gan xinqba
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=595

Set in KOTOR II I believe. An intelligence agent and ex-Jedi apprentice investigates the suspiscious deaths of several Jedi masters.

Written in a journalistic style, the author leads you gently into the story with a bit about the main character, setting the scene and characters, and draws you into his created world. Very well done.

Revival
karacat
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=591

Set during KOTOR. Enroute to Manaan after the fateful meeting withv Malak, our Heroine wonders what is and isnít real.

A writer should push the envelope of what is part of another personís universe but not so far that people are bothered by it. Karacat did a good job here, adding what she called a Ďforce bombí placed by the Jedi council to stop Revanís return. An intriguing idea.

Hallucination
01-13-2006, 08:41 PM
Ohhh reviews. Good to see some reviews, but I think your spelling is going down. ;)

Sabretooth
01-14-2006, 12:44 AM
Ah, reviews. I was expecting them to be highly-overly-critical, since it was Friday the 13th...

machievelli
01-15-2006, 12:31 PM
Ohhh reviews. Good to see some reviews, but I think your spelling is going down. ;)

Remember what I tell you guys about spelling checks and editing?

Mea maxima culpa

RC-1162
01-16-2006, 01:46 AM
how about you type it out in word and use the spell check things there and then you can copy paste it here. me do same thing with me fics. that reminds me. Mace Windu is done, can you pls review it in your next bunch? thx

JediKnight707
01-16-2006, 02:02 AM
how about you type it out in word and use the spell check things there and then you can copy paste it here.

That's what we all do. Except one time, I typed a paragraph on this site.

stingerhs
01-16-2006, 02:02 AM
^^^^
meh, spellcheck is for wimps. if you don't know how to spell it, look it up. then after you finish writing, proofread. trust me: it turns out much better that way.

JediKnight707
01-16-2006, 02:03 AM
Who proofreads there work? I don't!! :rofl: Really, I don't.

stingerhs
01-16-2006, 02:09 AM
hehe, well, another advantage of proofreading is catching bits and pieces of your writing that don't entirely make a lot of sense. not only is proofreading better than spellcheck, it also gives you a chance to edit your work and make it better. this is especially true if you take a break for an hour or so and come back to the same part you just wrote. a new perspective can sometimes prove to be a valuable addition to an already great work. ;)

JediKnight707
01-16-2006, 02:15 AM
I was slightly kidding. I do read over my work once (maybe twice if I'm feeling like reading) and it does help.

machievelli
01-16-2006, 01:21 PM
If you actually read my segment Acceptance, you will notice that I rewrote the scene in the mess hall because the way I worded it originally, I suggested that she had to become a master of the force itself, rather than what I had meant, which is that some problems are easier to fix by paying attention to it, and dealing with it on a more mundane level.

machievelli
01-20-2006, 12:59 PM
I still haven't figured out hyperlinking. The word processor in my computer refuses to accept that there is such a thing and sulks when I try to install it. My week was rather rushed with MLK day and my wife's tirade after getting her teeth fixed.
I promise, I'll try to do better.

Apprentice of Me
ExiledFish
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158232

A wounded Jedi returns to Telos. Set in KOTORII

Like a lot of you younger writers, EF is thinking and trying to write at the same speed. It doesnít work, people. The human mind is like the turbine of a jet or a modern automobile engine. To get it to run something like a ship or a car, you have to use what are called reduction gears, taking the several thousand revolutions of the engine and reducing it to something the wheels can take.
Edit the work, re-write it, and especially check the spelling. Donít try to write it as you see it, write it more carefully.
It was short, and the idea seemed good. Keep it up.

Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic: The Mandalorian Wars
Potsie
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158310

Set before KOTOR; as Revan tries to gain Jedi support, Admiral Saul Karath fights on.

Potsie, you havenít given me enough to really get into this story. But the idea is good. You tend to jump around a bit, but not as bad as some Iíve seen. Slow down a bit, expand the segments and have clean breaks between them. Keep it up.

Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn
RC1162
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154601

Set after Mace Windu fell

A good view of the scramble that would have occurred after order 66 was passed. The pacing is good, and every bad thing I can think about had already been said before I got to chapter 4. I wish I had time to got through it and read it all, RC, but I have a Ďstone knives and bearskiní landline.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Jedi Insurrection
Darth_Badman
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6055

Set 450 years before the formation of the Empire; what happens when politics controls the Jedi?

The story is well written, and is intriguing. The only question and complain I have is this;
Does our friend Darth Badman know what a Paragraph is?

Thoughts of One, Clone War Short Story
Obi-Wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6552

The thoughts of a Dark Jedi before a mission
Obi-wan has been reviewed by me before, and his style has not changed. The story is clean and crisp, and deserves to be completed.

Star Wars: Vader's Disciple
Darth_Badman
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6693
Three years before a New Hope; The thoughts of Vaderís apprentice

Everything I said above about this kid still stands. Once he learns what a spell-checker and paragraph are for heíll go far.

From Kotorfanmedia


What Dreams May Come
wook
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=624
Set in KOTOR; Revelations during the final battle may change Revan forever.

I had never seen the concept that Revan and Malak were siblings before. Just as I made them people who almost became lovers, wook made them brother and sister. An excellent concept, and excellent read.

RAMPAGE
Ghostie
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=638

Set in KOTOR: A slight over reaction by a droid.
Everyone knows of the characters that merely pass through the story, mentioned, briefly interacted with, and then gone. Ghostie took one minor character, the droid from the tombs, and made a short story about it that is well worth reading.

Broken Images I
siempre
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=663

Set after KOTOR I. A series of broken images put together in a story form.
Only two small vignettes, but such promise! Write more! Now!

Diego Varen
01-20-2006, 02:27 PM
Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic: The Mandalorian Wars
Potsie
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158310

Set before KOTOR; as Revan tries to gain Jedi support, Admiral Saul Karath fights on.

Potsie, you havenít given me enough to really get into this story. But the idea is good. You tend to jump around a bit, but not as bad as some Iíve seen. Slow down a bit, expand the segments and have clean breaks between them. Keep it up.

Thanks for your comments machievelli (I admit I need to improve in explanation). I will mainly explain the events of the Mandalorian Wars in my main Fanfic, Jorran Corral - The Chronicles Of A Jedi. I am planning one more Chapter where this Fanfic will end. This I suppose this is my lead up into a better story.

RC-1162
01-20-2006, 02:47 PM
Mach, im not in a hurry, if you want, you can delete that bit and take your time to read my fic properly then make one. im ok with it. good work anyway.

The Source
01-21-2006, 04:37 PM
I like the idea of a critic, but through a feedback system. If someone pasted on the homepage a critique about my mods, I would be very pissed.

Quote from one of machievelli's reviews:

A wounded Jedi returns to Telos. Set in KOTORII
Like a lot of you younger writers, EF is thinking and trying to write at the same speed. It doesnít work, people. The human mind is like the turbine of a jet or a modern automobile engine. To get it to run something like a ship or a car, you have to use what are called reduction gears, taking the several thousand revolutions of the engine and reducing it to something the wheels can take.
Edit the work, re-write it, and especially check the spelling. Donít try to write it as you see it, write it more carefully.
It was short, and the idea seemed good. Keep it up.

You encouraged him/her, and then you let everyone know his flaws... Now, I am a professional designer, and critiques are part of my everyday life. However, when I am doing something for fun, I get really ticked off if someone took the steam out of my buzz..

Another note:
I would only place a few critics up on the homepage at a time, for they are taking up too much space. LucasForums.com provides multiple levels of entertainment, and the critics are sometimes overwhelming.

Overall, I like your idea, but keep in mind that these people are just having fun. Give them professional feedback in their own threads. Let other people give feedback as well.

When it comes to the home page. Try to keep in mind that other news is just as important.

Keep up the work.... :)

Vladimir-Vlada
01-21-2006, 04:50 PM
meh, spellcheck is for wimps.
I guess I am a wimp then.

machievelli
01-22-2006, 02:22 AM
Mac, I am doing as I was asked.
When I was younger, I had people who read my stuff but weren't willing to complain about it because 'hey, I'm your friend, and and I don't want to hurt your feelings'. When I briefly taught a class on creative writing, I constantly ran into minor problems (The one you quoted is a common one) and found it's best to tell them. It might hurt their feelings a little, but I am also trying to teach them lessons I learned a long time ago. I noticed his problem because I did the same thing until I learned better.

A critic is supposed to be 'critical', hence the name. However I defy you to find one criticism that was a knife in the guts like most critics who actually get paid for it.

The Source
01-22-2006, 10:13 PM
Mac, I am doing as I was asked.
When I was younger, I had people who read my stuff but weren't willing to complain about it because 'hey, I'm your friend, and and I don't want to hurt your feelings'. When I briefly taught a class on creative writing, I constantly ran into minor problems (The one you quoted is a common one) and found it's best to tell them. It might hurt their feelings a little, but I am also trying to teach them lessons I learned a long time ago. I noticed his problem because I did the same thing until I learned better.

A critic is supposed to be 'critical', hence the name. However I defy you to find one criticism that was a knife in the guts like most critics who actually get paid for it.
Truthfuly, I didn't want to respond to anything for today. However, I thought you desirved an answer...

For the past few days, I have been stressing out on small anoyances. Disregard my original post...

machievelli
01-23-2006, 11:53 AM
Mac, if I had a week, I could post every nasty reply I sent just in the last year because I was tired. No biggie

The Source
01-23-2006, 05:11 PM
Mac, if I had a week, I could post every nasty reply I sent just in the last year because I was tired. No biggie
Suggestion Only!
When I look on StarWarsKnights.com, I noticed you keep chaning the tittle. When the mods are reported, they use the same tittle: 'Weekly Mod Reports'.

Did you ever think of using a title that is consistant each time you report?

For example:

'Fan-Fiction Report: Critique!'
'The Fan-Fiction Critic!"

JediKnight707
01-23-2006, 11:57 PM
Suggestion Only!
When I look on StarWarsKnights.com, I noticed you keep chaning the tittle. When the mods are reported, they use the same tittle: 'Weekly Mod Reports'.

Did you ever think of using a title that is consistant each time you report?

For example:

'Fan-Fiction Report: Critique!'
'The Fan-Fiction Critic!"

Pfft. That's no fun. I personally like how he mixes it up :D Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :D I just hope that he gets around to reading mine :¨: :lol: J/king I know your busy. Keep up the reviews Mach :D

Darth333
01-25-2006, 11:37 AM
I like it when titles change. I'm all for a little variety.

btw, Machievelli asked me to let you know that the reviews would be a little late this week as he has some problems with his computer.

RC-1162
01-27-2006, 07:49 AM
he should scrap it and buy the latest gizmos, man. :D
good work anyway. though i think youll like my fic better if you go through it fully, wont take much time.

machievelli
01-28-2006, 02:47 PM
Suggestion Only!
When I look on StarWarsKnights.com, I noticed you keep chaning the tittle. When the mods are reported, they use the same tittle: 'Weekly Mod Reports'.

Did you ever think of using a title that is consistant each time you report?

For example:

'Fan-Fiction Report: Critique!'
'The Fan-Fiction Critic!"

Yes I did actually. But I was in a seriously playful mood when I started. After all, someone thought I was good enough to be a critic! Besides, they have six movies and about sixty book so far, so I was getting into the swing of things.

Don't worry, I was thinking of settling down anyway.

machievelli
01-28-2006, 03:05 PM
he should scrap it and buy the latest gizmos, man. :D
good work anyway. though i think youll like my fic better if you go through it fully, wont take much time.


I can't afford the 'latest gizmos'. What happened is my flipping dog (Which my wife bought after the car was stolen) chewed through the only 50' phone cord we had so I was unable to even get online from here. Then, while able to contact Darth, I was unable to access the site because or parental controls on some of the advertising. We finally found a replacement so I am again back terrorizing the populace raping all the men and killing all the women (Wait a minute...)

As for reading the entire thing...
I try to spend less than eight hours putting together a review. Not because I don't like doing it but because I spend only five hours a day (None on the weekend except on rare cases) writing. That means out of 25 hours I already devote a third to this.
To read your work all the way through I would need a full copy sent to my listed e-mail so that I can read it at my leisure. Anyone who feels that I have not given thier work enough time can send it to me in this manner.
The reviews for this week will not be done. Instead I will do a review and publish it friday. Darth has suggested that instead of me figuring out what the (Bleep) is going wrong I will send it to her on wedensday, and she can post it if I cannot figure it out.

You guys keep writing...

RC-1162
01-31-2006, 09:02 AM
"what the (bleep) is going on"

:lol: :rofl: LMAO!!!

and i was kidding about the latest gizmos, man. no one cares as long as you give us your great reviews.

Dylan Klay
02-01-2006, 05:36 AM
I'll just be happy when someone finally comments on mine, even just to say keep going LOL

machievelli
02-01-2006, 12:01 PM
Well later today, after my feeble attempts to try and hyperlink the story titles, I will e-mail the review this week to Darth. But I will try to do it myself first.
I have noticed that three people out of 27 say go to hell. That's one in nine so far. With almost 1500 hits on the column so far, that means a lot of you haven't bothered to vote. Either you like what I'm doing or you can't be bothered.
Dylan, I will get to yours eventually. Promise.

RC-1162
02-01-2006, 12:13 PM
^^
screw them, they dont know your skill. just dont bother, mach, youve got lotsa fans here :D.

The Doctor
02-01-2006, 01:06 PM
Looking forward to your next reviews, Machievelli. Can't wait until you review mine:D

machievelli
02-02-2006, 12:03 PM
To RC, thanks, son, but I am not going to increase your allowance.

Dylan Klay
02-03-2006, 03:29 AM
I was waiting to vote till after I got my review, but if doc says you're good to go, then I'm sure mine will be favorable

RC-1162
02-03-2006, 08:02 AM
To RC, thanks, son, but I am not going to increase your allowance

:lol:
LMAO!!!!
no problem Mach :D

machievelli
02-03-2006, 11:09 AM
All right, let's see if it works...

Lucas forums Coruscant Entertainment Centre

Before I Leave you... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158738)
Darth Longie

Interlude between KOTOR and KOTOR II. Revan remembers a past teacher

Dl said he hasnít posted a fanfic before and I knew it when I read what was written.
My question kid, is WHY NOT? The writing style is hesitant, but great. The characters are clearly defined, well covered, and my only other complaint is that you didnít write more.


Darth Nihilus (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158836)

Prometheus X-303


Set in KOTOR II A darklord contemplates his past.

The only problem I see is that Prometheus keeps jumping from first person present to third person present, and sometimes from either one past, sometimes in the same sentence. Take a deep breath, slow down, remember which tense is proper and are you an internal or external observer. Good work regardless.



The Story Of Timmy Marong (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158988)
pokejedi 123

Set after KOTOR II

A cop On Alderaan has a busy day.

The concept is good kid. Youíre doing good work, it just needs work to make it great.
You need to have a paragraph break between speakers, and edit and proofread your work. Also your grammar needs work as does your tenses. Itís ran, not runned.
As I have told others, your problem is that youíre mind is running faster than your fingers can keep up. What I would suggest is typing it in a word processor program then run the spell-checker and if it has it a grammar checker too. Then go back and look at what youíre writing. Compare it to other works by published authors.
If it passes all that criteria, post it. Because I want to see more.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


This Has GOT To Be One Of THE Wierdest Pairs Ever (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6856)
Ooda&Clato

A Jedi Odd Couple deals with problems

While there are problems with editing and style that can be addressed by merely having the author proofread next time, I was struck primarily because this is the first work I have seen where the Jedi are not homonid. One is a Toydarian, the other a Hutt. If you had put Skywalker and Kenobi in their places the scene would read just as clean, and that is the most important point.
He complains that another piece was deleted. A pity, I would have wanted to read it.

Jacen's Return (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7211
)
Arentuin

Jacen Solo deals with his feelings after the Yuuzhan Vong war.

The style and writing is outstanding. The author delves into the angst of a returning survivor of what a modern American would call torture, and does it well.

In All My Glory (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7398)
sidious618

The thoughts of the average clone trooper

This is much better than his previous work. The battle is clearly defined from the point of view of the clone, and his decision making is clear and concise. Very well done.


From Kotorfanmedia

Foretelling of a Wet Wedding (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=623)
charys

Set a year after KOTOR A reunion with a few extra twists...

Charys starts you off thinking itís just a simple assassination. Before you know it your dragged along as the entire crew gets behind Carthís attempt give Revan not only a bracelet, but some quality time together. Ambushing the reporters was a nice touch.

Every Hour On the Hour (] http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=678)
Jiara

Set in KOTOR. HKís daily routine with some amusing twists.

65 readers on this site gave it a thumbs up, 41 thought it was worth commenting on, and after reading it I can understand why. HK is himself, and the exchanges between him and the other members of the crew were hilarious. But not half as funny as his own internal dialogue. His equating snoring (Observation: Human male Jedi is producing a rasping, grating nasal emission similar to that of the human female Jedi.) with Force powers caused me to snicker. It wasnít the first either.
If I didnít have to worry about him slaughtering anything and everything, I would love to have him around just for the entertainment value alone.

A Discussion (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=690)
Eirtae

A dueling challenge response set three years after the end of KOTOR.

There is a feeling of letting go as the two characters (Revan and Dustil) talk about allowing their animosity to flow away. The piece is short, but very well done.

RC-1162
02-03-2006, 02:45 PM
yaay!! hyperlinks!! :D

great job, mach, it looks much better now. KIU.

machievelli
02-03-2006, 07:27 PM
I am still not going to raise your allowance

JediKnight707
02-03-2006, 09:07 PM
What's with the Hatorade Mach?? No review for me, and no allowance raise? How wude!

The Doctor
02-03-2006, 11:21 PM
I though you onlt reviewed completed works? I know at least one of those is obviously incomplete. Am I wrong?

Anyway, nice work, Mach! Looking forward to next reviews!

Dylan Klay
02-04-2006, 11:21 AM
Me too. four words: Star wars Temptation Rising. LOL ;)

Darth Longie
02-04-2006, 12:28 PM
Thanks for the review :) I am working on part 2 now, which I hope will be a fair bit longer. It might be another couple of weeks before its ready though!

machievelli
02-04-2006, 02:31 PM
I though you onlt reviewed completed works? I know at least one of those is obviously incomplete. Am I wrong?

Anyway, nice work, Mach! Looking forward to next reviews!

Doc, if I only reviewed completed works, I would have little to review. My own acceptance is only about twenty pages longer than what has been posted.

machievelli
02-04-2006, 02:35 PM
What's with the Hatorade Mach?? No review for me, and no allowance raise? How wude!

Did I miss one? If so I am sorry. If not, then no dessert for you tonight youngster.

Dylan Klay
02-05-2006, 02:19 AM
LOL. Damn, it's getting rough in here!!! LOL Jerry jerry

JediKnight707
02-06-2006, 09:43 PM
Yeah, you still haven't reviewed Return of the Exile :( You hurt my feelers :(

Renegade Puma
02-08-2006, 03:29 AM
I only have four words for you Machievelli. "The Crystal of life"

machievelli
02-10-2006, 11:46 AM
Yeah, you still haven't reviewed Return of the Exile :( You hurt my feelers :(
You're right. I should have reviewed it about three weeks ago. I am terribly sorry.

machievelli
02-10-2006, 11:58 AM
Return of the Exile (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154792)
Jedi Knight 707

The Exile prepares to face the same danger that has killed so many.

I am Sorry JK, I honestly thought I had reviewed your work. Better late than never...

The work flows smoothly after a bumpy start, and keeps the reader interested. There are a few spelling and editing errors, but on the whole is excellent. I wish I had the time to read it all the way through.

The Geonosian War (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158555)
steven

Set in the future a century after The Attack of the Clones: The descendant of a Geonosian engineer strikes at the new Republic.

The basic idea at first had me confused. However once I got into the story it began to flow a little better. The battle scenes are a little stilted, and he doesnít know enough about the ships in combat, but that is easily corrected.
Like a lot of the kids here, Steven is trying to write in a screenplay style, jumping from place to place. A newbieís mistake, and one that time will correct. Beyond that spelling and grammar are the only real problems.

The Destiny of all existence (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159280
)
Vladimir-Vlada

Three men with amnesia try to understand their plights.

VV is excellent in his portrayals, and only needs editing and some translation to be excellent in the story as well. As someone to whom English is a second language, he does better that I think I would do with a translation program, so I canĎt really complain. At least he tries to write in English. I canít even curse in Magyar.

Chronicles of the Forgotten Jedi (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159770)
JediMaster12

set seven years after the destruction of the Star Forge
Too short to really call. The story so far is good.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Resurrection- Jango Fett (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7432)
Zane Marit

A clone begins having flashbacks of Jango Fettís memories. Based on a suggestion by another author (Kent)

Like all of Zaneís work the idea is well defined and well presented. It fleshes out some of the Original Jango Fettís personality because you get a chance to see it from inside his head.

The Hunter (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7569)
Obi Wan

Two and a half years after the Battle Of Geonosis. A Hunt with only one end

Obi Wan only wrote a vignette but it is well worth reading. Except for some minor grammar and spelling mistakes, it is outstanding.

Star Wars: Battle of Galidran a furry clone story (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7751)
Marcus Starkiller

A Clone war story with all of the Jedi as animals...

A unique method of carrying the story forward. Except for count Dooku all of the jedi are assorted animals. The idea is reminiscent of Alan Dean Fostersís ĎSpellsingerí series. The battle is laid out in a straightforward manner and keeps the readerís interest.


Kotorfanmedia

Like Wolves (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=679)
Phoq

Set six years after KOTOR: The exile tracks down Revan to gain revenge.

Back in January I reviewed Phoqís Wounds of the Past. At that time I commented on a stilted style, and that it would improve.
I am happy to see that I was correct. Like Wolves flows gently like butter, smooth and delightful. 17 readers on the site gave it a thumbs up.
Add mine.

The Second Jedi Order: The Beginning (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=676)
Darth Exile

Set in the interim between Kotor and Kotor II. Revan departs to find an evil even darker than the Star Forge.

The writing is excellent, the pacing smooth and crisp. The ending leaves you wanting more.

Object of Oppression (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=734)
Home One
Set at start of KOTOR
Another view of the initial battle of Taris.

The battle is good, but the writing is stilted. The scene ends as they leave the ship, but because of that, and glossing over the battle scene, there is little to judge the work by. Since it is also the only part published, I can only say I would need to see more.

machievelli
02-10-2006, 12:22 PM
For some reason the entire first paragraph is now a hyperlink, and the second review is not. As my signature says
Stercus, Stercus, Stercus, *




Edit: Hehe no need to say bad words in Latin...Errare humanum est
- fixed! there was a ] missing ;) - Darth333

Renegade Puma
02-10-2006, 01:07 PM
Still waiting for my review of "The Crystal of life." It's been like a month since you told me you would review it. But aside from that, great job on the reviews! We all appreciate your work Machievelli.

JediMaster12
02-10-2006, 01:10 PM
Thanks for the review on Chronicles but I had to delete it because of issues of completion. I wouldn't have gotten around to it and I lost the original script. You can read my others Heart of the Guardian or the Tale Lost Tales of Revan.

Vladimir-Vlada
02-10-2006, 02:17 PM
Thanks for the review, machievelli. That's just the beginning, and I have the entire plot developed in my head. All I have to do is find the time to finish it.

machievelli
02-11-2006, 03:16 PM
RB, I have already written the review (I read the story right after we talked) but it hasn't been officially reviewed because every time someone comments on a story, or it is added to, it pops back up to the top of the queue and I am working from the bottom.
If you'd like to see it I can PM it to you.

Darth, the advantage of being an omnivorous reader is that I can cuss in almost 20 languages. The odds that any modern American knowing Latin is small enough that I took the chance. Of course, you're Canadian.

Dylan Klay
02-12-2006, 07:52 AM
Still waiting on mine too, patiently tapping his foot ;)

machievelli
02-12-2006, 07:13 PM
Dylan, if you don't mind having me read it and send you a review as I'll post it before I do, I can read it this week.
If you want a repair manual for the story if it needs it, I can send that too. Take your choice.

JediKnight707
02-12-2006, 08:55 PM
Wow, thanks man! I really didn't expect such a nice review. I was all nervous, my fingers were shaking...but, thanks :)

Dylan Klay
02-13-2006, 07:03 AM
I'd like you to read it and post, if it's easier. Whatever's easiest for you. I'm flexible, Semper Gumbi :)

machievelli
02-13-2006, 11:06 AM
Jedi, I'm like an honest referee. I call 'em as I see 'em

JediKnight707
02-14-2006, 01:27 AM
Thanks :) Next up for you is Destruction of the Sith (http://lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157545) :rofl: Seriously though, I'd appreciate it

Alkonium
02-14-2006, 08:49 AM
And wait for Fall of the Sith until it's done, ok?

Sabretooth
02-14-2006, 10:23 AM
The odds that any modern American knowing Latin is small enough that I took the chance.

I find pleasure in cussing in a variety of languages that breed doesn't understand. :D But WTH, I'm studying Latin, so I suppose I've picked up another new word... >.<

machievelli
02-14-2006, 11:54 AM
And wait for Fall of the Sith until it's done, ok?

I quite distinctly remember a nasty post which ended with you asking me review the entire trilogy in toto. I have not reviewed the third part yet per that request.
As I also PMed you, if you want me to review them all in that way, require that you e-mail each of them in total so that I can.

machievelli
02-14-2006, 11:59 AM
I find pleasure in cussing in a variety of languages that breed doesn't understand. :D But WTH, I'm studying Latin, so I suppose I've picked up another new word... >.<

Why don't you check out this then;

Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum

When you've translated it, you can let everyone know.
No help Darth

Vladimir-Vlada
02-14-2006, 12:29 PM
Why don't you check out this then;

Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum
'From here I can see your house'?

Sabretooth
02-15-2006, 05:29 AM
Why don't you check out this then;

Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum

When you've translated it, you can let everyone know.
No help Darth

No expert here, but isn't that "From here your house can be separated"? Again, I'm no uber at Latin (atleast as compared to Hindi, Sanskrit, Marathi and Urdu).

Reclaimer
02-15-2006, 08:34 AM
Counting from this to be able videre to home your

That's it translated, hell I know what it means.

Btw...could to check out my fanfic, The Mandalorian Apprentice? Thanks.

Vladimir-Vlada
02-15-2006, 10:27 AM
I made a little mistake, but I think I know now:
Why don't you check out this then;

Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum
'From here it is possible to see your house'?

The Doctor
02-15-2006, 06:49 PM
...maybe it's more like "I can see my house from here!"

@Reclaimer: Looks like you've discovered the 'wonders' of Google Language Tools. Not a great translator, that...

Vladimir-Vlada
02-15-2006, 06:53 PM
...maybe it's more like "I can see my house from here!"
I=Ego. Ego not detected in the sentance: "Ab hoc possum videre domum tuum". Sorry.

The Doctor
02-15-2006, 07:01 PM
Meh. I tried. I can't even speak French, and it's my countries second language. I just thought I'd give it a shot:)
Oh, and Vlad, I know you probably didn't intend it that way, but that sounded very condescending:(

Vladimir-Vlada
02-15-2006, 07:07 PM
Oh, and Vlad, I know you probably didn't intend it that way, but that sounded very condescending:(
Sorry, I didn't mean to. I was trying to make it sound funny.

The Doctor
02-15-2006, 07:29 PM
Apology accepted:)

machievelli
02-16-2006, 12:20 AM
You get the prize VV.

Vladimir-Vlada
02-16-2006, 09:39 AM
What's the prize?

machievelli
02-16-2006, 11:18 AM
Translation: 'I can see your house from here' According to author Terry Pratchett


The Whatever prize. is what you recieve. When ever I give my stepdaughter too much information (Since she's your age guys, you might understand) her reply is;

Whatever.

machievelli
02-16-2006, 11:34 AM
After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?

JediMaster12
02-16-2006, 04:29 PM
After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?

Hey I'm told that by my family like every other day. Heck I would be delighted to work on an anthology. I was considering doing that with my poetry.

JediKnight707
02-16-2006, 09:31 PM
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?

I'd love to write for a living. If you do ever find someone, I'd be glad to write a story. But, I look at all these books in the libraries and think There are millions of authors! I don't think that I could become one of those singled out ones. But hey, I'd love to do a short story.

Hallucination
02-17-2006, 12:19 AM
After almost five months of doing this I am not surprised by the wealth of fan-fiction out there. I am surprised by all of the excellent work done.
The fact that we are writing only fan fiction begs the question;
Why arenít we doing this for a living?
If I ever find that agent and get started, who wants to throw in and do an anthology?
I'd gladly do that, I'd love to have something I wrote published. And to be able to wave in front of my english teacher. PM me if you get an agent :).

JediKnight707
02-17-2006, 12:21 AM
PM me if you get an agent :).

Ditto. I think I could whip up another story :)

Sabretooth
02-17-2006, 05:46 AM
Meh, I already have a great story concept. I'm gonna do it seriously and then go publish it. It's not Star Wars, it's real life and it's powerful. I'm afraid I may even ahve to sacrifice my next SW fanfiction for it.

machievelli
02-17-2006, 11:47 AM
tried putting the locations of the sites themselves in hyperlinks. Maybe it worked.

Philosophy of The Force (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159862)
John Skywalker

Sequel to Adventures of John Skywalker

Not much has been done with the story yet, but it does flow readily.

Temptation Rising (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158711)
Dylan Klay

Set before Star Wars: The Phantom menace, A Jedi team assisted by Rangers cover negotiations.

Kid, the only problems I saw with this were spelling, editing, and grammar. Editing is the most important because you have a number of times where the thought is not clear or the wrong word was used. You did throw me at the start when you began twice. But watching the editing showed me what you were thinking.
Very well done.

The fall of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159629
)
Jeremia Skywalker

Set After KOTOR I assuming a dark-side ending.
A young Jedi survives an attempt on the Star Forge and now must escape from Sith custody.

As I have told many before you, slow down. Your mind is creating images faster than you can type them and it shows in the product. I would suggest going a little retrograde. Write it down in long hand first, then transcribe it. That will cause you to A: edit as you go, and B: Reread your work so you catch obvious errors. The idea is good, but the story does not flow.
It will with work, trust me. I donít have stories that I wrote when I was a lot younger, but I have an excellent memory and just thinking about them makes me thank the force that I learned.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=125)


Swift Squadron Series, (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7642)

Commander Andersen

Adventures of a Republic Fighter squadron

The writer has the same problems a lot have had that I review, and it is that he is A: trying to visualize this like a movie and B: writing down this visual image which is happening too fast to really follow. The characters are not fleshed out, the scenes fall one after another but in a manner that makes them feel haphazard.

I made a SW story, I just wanna see if I should post (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7725)

Midknight

A cloned Emperor begins a campaign of conquest.
Everything bad that can be said about this was already said by Zane Marit, who critiqued it a lot more harshly than I would have unless I had been asked.
The idea needs work, and the kid needs to remember Clarkís rule. ďNever use two words when one will doí and I leave it at that.

Otherwise, as a first attempt it isnít too bad.

Star Wars: The Darkness Within (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7932)

Darth badman

Set 8 years after the Yuuzhan Vong Crisis. An apprentice of Darth Bane returns through time to menace the New Republic.

the style stilted, and the kid doesnít seem to know what a paragraph is.
But the idea is interesting, so I have to say all it needs is work.

From Kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=13)

The Fires of the Forge (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=756)
Cesar de Biscarrat

In the Interim between KOTOR I and II. The Ebon Hawk is rescued by an old friend

The story is well craft, and as one of those that gave it a thumbs up said,
ĎOh my gods! Please for the love of all thing sacred continue this, you canít leave me hanging like that!í

KOTOR Fairy Tales: Puss in Boots (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=886)
Karacat

A fairy tale using the characters of KOTOR

With a screen name like Karacat, you wouldnít be surprised that sheíd pick Puss in Boots. Having written a childrenís story, I know how hard it is.
Yet she does it seamlessly right down to the interjections you would expect from an audience listening to such a story. Well worth the time to read it.

With a Kiss (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=869)
Dinah Lance

A bittersweet parting between Revan and Carth.

39 readers gave this a thumbs up, and I can understand why.

machievelli
02-17-2006, 11:49 AM
I don't believe it. It worked the first effing time!

Vladimir-Vlada
02-17-2006, 11:50 AM
That was... fast.

I didn't know that you could post reviews that often.

machievelli
02-17-2006, 12:08 PM
except for my struggling with hyperlinking, I have posted them once a week, vlad

JediKnight707
02-17-2006, 08:19 PM
I don't want to seem pressy or like a prick (if I do tell me), but I just finished Destruction of the Sith, so could you please review it? If you don't, that's fine, but I'd really appreciate it.

machievelli
02-18-2006, 10:11 PM
I'll make a deal with you, JK-707. If you'll send a full copy to my e-mail, I'll do it during this next week. Otherwise we're looking at another month.

machievelli
02-18-2006, 10:14 PM
A note to every write on the site at present.

When I started this column, my biggest worry was that the instant I started the people I had reviewed would either, A: Use the poll that I added to this and tell me to take a hike, or B: Stop writing.

It's nice to know that I didn't scare you guys away. Keep it up.

Vladimir-Vlada
02-19-2006, 12:41 PM
It's nice to know that I didn't scare you guys away.
Believe me, I thought that we would scare you away.

Anyway, I will take a break for a while because I am working on some other fan fiction. See you soon.

JediKnight707
02-19-2006, 08:45 PM
I'll make a deal with you, JK-707. If you'll send a full copy to my e-mail, I'll do it during this next week. Otherwise we're looking at another month.

Cool, but I don't have your emial :)

Hallucination
02-19-2006, 10:59 PM
^Click on his user name and go to 'View public profile'. Then look for contact information and click on something like 'send and email to machievelli'. ;)

JediKnight707
02-20-2006, 02:43 PM
Yeah, but it said that he requested not to have his email or something like that. ;)

machievelli
02-21-2006, 02:10 AM
JK, I don't know why it did that. So just for all of you that might want to use the same excuse...
i think that everybody that needs to see your email has seen it. so, as per forum rules, email addresses have been deleted from this post. just a friendly reminder. -stingerhs

To use Jow from your own avatar BRING IT ON!

JediKnight707
02-21-2006, 02:14 AM
Just sent it. Have fun!

fuzzyllama
02-21-2006, 02:40 PM
Could you review my Fic, 'It has no name'?
Thanks!

-Llama

JediKnight707
02-21-2006, 08:03 PM
Could you review my Fic, 'It has no name'?
Thanks!

-Llama

Of course I'll review it :D Hope it's good :)

fuzzyllama
02-21-2006, 08:45 PM
Thanks! :D


:king1:

machievelli
02-24-2006, 11:33 AM
Coruscant Entertainment center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

The Lost Tales of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159688)

JediMaster12

Set in the period before The Phantom Menace; New revelations about the Revan of old.

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it is because JM is feeling her way in the story. The idea is old (Revenge done much later) but well done up to this point.
The only stumble I had was the villain talking as if it were he that had been betrayed, rather than an ancestor.

Darth Vader Evolved (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160177)
killwithhonor
An alternate reality story. Anakin Skywalker, the ex Darth Vader teaches a new Jedi master as a Sith lord creates Jedi clones.

The writing is stilted, the dialogue needs work. Primarily it needs as I have said over and over, editing and grammar. Looks good for a first work.


Jorran Corral - The Chronicles Of A Jedi (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158385)
Potsie

Before KOTOR I. Fifty years earlier, Exar Kun rises.

Youíre making the same mistakes as before, Potsie. Slow down, donít jump around from scene to scene so oddly, and remember that working with someone else's universe, your reader might not know the people youíre introducing.
One minor aside. Except for Vandar (Whose race is especially long lived) all of the other masters named from the game would have more likely been students. After all, your humble critic would have been 3 fifty years ago.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=125)


I'm Your Angel (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=8076)
The Prism

The consummation of Anakinís marriage to Padme

The only problem I saw with this was editing. The Prism shows the inner workings of a young man infatuated with his bride very well. Anakinís machinations in getting his new wife to where he can consummate the marriage are interesting and almost sweet.


Fringe Benefits (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6202)
Zane Marit

A Tale of the Jedi Purge. Two Jedi with a secret that can destroy the newly formed Empire hide at Nar Shadaa

Another of Zaneís work, and deeper than most he has done. An excellent exposition on the problems of being a hunted fugitive, and why a hunted Jedi must try to blend in. He still tends to jump from present to past tense and back, but he is improving.

Star Wars: Reborn, (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=8436)
kevin31

9 years after the fall of Grand Admiral Thrawn.

As the New Republic staggers toward their future, one of Thrawnís protťgť's throws a 2000 ship spanner into the gears.
After a rocky start (Too much being covered) the work smoothes out. A well-written fleet action in the middle of chapter 2 makes up for every flaw.

However Kevin wrote this same story three times. Back when I originally began critiquing, I started to critique a story named Reclamation. This is the exact same story, just an older version.


From Kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=13)


Once Upon a Wroshyr Treetop (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=835)
rose07

As Katrina (Revanís alter-ego) sits up with her baby daughter, her mind goes back to the first kiss.

Rose has graced my reviews before, and as long as she turns out quality work like this, she always will. There are 23 thumbs up on the story, and I have to add mine.


Trust a Snake to Act Like a Snake? (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=807)
xenzen

After the Star Forge, Revan fears she hasnít changed.
An excellent piece by xenzen who has yet to earn a nasty comment from me.


Dark Redemption (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=749)
Scythe404
An exile Revan on Coruscant.
Scythe seems to have tried something I have never seen before. The first seven chapters according to kotorfanmedia were male revans, but chapters 8 and 9 are female.
Maybe they were misfiled. It does happen.
But Scythe's style makes up for any fault I could find.

JediMaster12
02-25-2006, 01:18 AM
Thanks machievelli. You reminded me of my other fan fic. Most of my energy is devoted to Heart of the Guardian and one other. Thanks for the review and you've inspired me to finish it. Thanks.

Diego Varen
02-25-2006, 03:56 AM
Thanks machievelli. I think everyone makes mistakes. Otherwise we wouldn't be finished. Like JediMaster12 said, I might finish that as well.

machievelli
03-05-2006, 04:38 AM
Sorry everyone. It seems I must have forgotten to post my review on friday. Consider me rebuked.


Coruscant Entertainment center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)


Darth Insurgo - Heir To The Sith (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159916)
Potsie

Before and during the beginning to Phantom Menace. Another young Sith works to become master.

Youíre making the same mistakes as before, Potsie. A novel or story is not like a movie. Movies have to be fast paced because the audience isnít going to sit still forever. But I have sat in one place for several hours reading a good book.
Again, slow down. Lead the reader, donít drag him.
All in all a good concept, and an interesting underside view of what occurred in Phantom Menace.

The Mandalorian Apprentice (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159766)
Reclaimer

Set in the KOTOR era. A Mandalorian Jedi is hunted by bounty hunters.

Except for spelling and grammar errors, this is pretty good. The biggest problems I had were minor. One, where in the Mandalore code does it say you cannot be a Jedi? The average warrior code praises a warrior for discovering and using new talents, and a warrior code places someone who defends those unable to defend themselves higher than one who battle only for gain.

Second, and I have to agree with JM12 on this, why place a bounty on an entire race?

Other than those, great work, and I want to see more.

Ebon Hawk Pranksters (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160578)
CountVerilucus

Set during KOTOR, the crew decides on a plan to get Bastila to lighten up.

I was amused almost instantly with this little piece. The set up for the prank was outstanding, and using HK as the straight man was choice.
Check your grammar and spelling. Other than that, thumbs way up, kid.



Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=125)

Star Wars: The New Empire (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=8625)
Grand Admiral Thrawn

Another splinter of the Empire strikes out 29 years after the battle of Endor.

Except for grammar and spelling, i saw nothing wrong with it.
One reviewer on the site gave him flak for having an Admiral that expected people to call him Chief Master Sergeant. When i read it I merely considered the military mentality. Most grab the highest rank they ever achieve, such as Custer wanting to be called General even after that rank was no longer his. The character earned CMS, and feels that anything else was given to him.
Well done, and I am sorry he stopped after two chapters.

The chronicles of the sith (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=9112)
Lord LeHack

The start of a young Sithís path.

The biggest problem is that LeHack forgets to have conversation breaks in his writing, and some grammar punctuation and spelling problems. No biggie.
I enjoyed the idea of seeing the actual Sith species for the first time, but the timing left a lot to be desired. There is no timeline on when Korriban was originally settled, and whether that first settlement was human or Sith. The Essential Chronology and the previous books imply almost a thousand years between the first incursions by the Sith species, and the break away Jedi joining them. Yet he has compressed it (In my opinion) into a period of fifty odd years.


The Voyage Home (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=8334)
Tresk Imínel

Set four years after the battle of Yavin concurrent with the Rogue Squadron books. Two people find love among the ravages of the civil war.

Treskís first work according to other reviewers is definitely worth reading. They style is a bit stilted, and needs some work, but that is just polishing rather than a major rewrite.


From Kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=13)

Revanís Gift (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=888)
Allronix

Set during the interim between KOTOR and KOTOR II. Three years after Revan left her crew to travel alone, Mission finds a gift.

The style is clean and well rounded. The story excellent. 15 readers on the site gave Allronix a thumbs up, and they are well deserved.



After the Fall (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=841)
athenaprime

After the Star Forge is destroyed, Nouri (Revan) mourns the loss of Bastila and her innocence.

Athena prime, like a lot of excellent writers, took the story yet another way. We are all working with the same basic ingredients, but having her main character mourning a brain dead Bastila, her love for Carth in tatters, and suffering from survivorís syndrome makes excellent reading. 24 readers gave this a thumb up.

Denouement (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=937)
David Gaider

After the Star Forge is destroyed, and the Republic celebrates, Revan decides what she wants in life.

David Gaider is an anomaly among us. He works for Bioware, and wrote this piece at the request of fans he knew. He immediately disclaims a lot of things. He denigrates his own work more than the most vicious critic.
Yet 34 readers gave it a thumbs up. 21 reviewed it.
Not bad, eh?

JediMaster12
03-06-2006, 03:21 AM
Hmm. I liked Pottsie's stories maybe it's because I can visualize it as I read. Still i think you are fair in judgement mach. Keep it up.

Vladimir-Vlada
03-08-2006, 12:19 PM
I don't want to sound like that I am whining but:

Did anyone find my dialogues sort of... unnatrual and forced? I get that feeling as I read my fan fiction, the conversations don't seem so natrual as I wanted them to be. Does anyone share my opinion? Or am I just overreacting?

Ztalker
03-09-2006, 12:44 PM
No, i have the same problem.

English isn't my native speech, and although i can speak it quit well, i can;t write it correctly. This way, i use whole different words then i would use in my own language, just because i don;t know the apopriate word.

You'll see the sentence aboe is filled with grammatical mistakes, and i didn't do it on purpose ^^

This way, i also have a feeling that when i write, i just can't...capture the right feeling of a dialogue, like you pointed out.

So i just keep the dialogues as simple as i can ^^

Vladimir-Vlada
03-09-2006, 01:05 PM
Even though you believe that you can't capture the right feeling of the dialogue, they still sound normal. When I read your dialogues, I find them pretty good and interesting. While when I read mine, I get the feeling that they are too focused on the subject and they seem unnatrual, forced and very uncreative. And yes, I find it much easier to make dialogues in my native language.

machievelli
03-09-2006, 02:23 PM
Vlad, there is a way to deal with this, though it will sound crazy.

Get a note pad, and write down the dialogue you wish to use. Visualize the characters as if it were a movie. Then, act it out.

Try not to do it when other people are around. Someone mumbling to themselves in public, especially when they seem to be holding a conversation, is disturbing. I ought to know, because i use the same method, and when the mood hits me, I will go through pages of stuff in this manner.

JediMaster12
03-09-2006, 05:52 PM
That would work if my family already didn't think me crazy. Now they think I'm a nut :lol: Seriously I try it that way too and it helps.

machievelli
03-10-2006, 11:40 AM
Coruscant Entertainment center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

Heart of Evil (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160704)
DarthSaboteur

Set three years after KOTOR II. Two groups of unlikely heroes form to face the Sith threat.

As an ex-Dungeon Master, this seemed to me like sitting in a room while two different RPGS are being played simultaneously. There appears at first read to be no connection beyond the fact that the same author is writing them. The byplay between characters was amusing, but the piece needs editing and more filling out.

Hidden Shades of Grey (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157519)
JasraLantil

Set directly after the events of KOTOR. The crew of the Ebon Hawk must find a lost artifact, and scout for a new Sith threat.

I was amazed and delighted by this work. If the author would e-mail me a complete copy I will enjoy it at my leisure. The writing is excellent, the style clean and clear, the characters well defined. I canít praise this enough.


Taris (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160985)

Switchbladekat

At the start of KOTOR Another morning on Taris...

The writing style is smooth, the main character well defined. All in all excellent work.

Two other readers I respect have reviewed this, and I have only one thing to say...

More!


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=125)

Still night air (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=9639)
Tresk Imínel

Shortly after Revenge of the Sith

A vignette. Bail Organa and his wife take in the daughter of a now dead friend.

Well written. Unlike the first work (Reviewed last week) the style is crisp and clean, showing the emotions of the players in sharp relief. Very well done.

Having not read a lot of the books and comics that Star Wars has spawned, I had not heard of Winter until I happened to get my copy of the Guide to the Star Wars universe. A lot of writers, I among them tend to create characters that seem to go nowhere, and it is nice that someone considered this woman worth expanding on.

Star Wars: Jagged Princess, (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=1865)
blizzard

Caught in a damaged ship, a deaf woman struggles to survives and reminisces on her home.

A very well written piece that needs only editing to make it superb.
Blizzard describes the main characters home planet with a nostalgia which makes you sure she had visited the place. Something even professionals sometimes fail to do.

Coruscant Halloween, YJK meets Tim Burton (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=10042)

Stellaraven0073

Set in the Young Jedi period. The title says it all...

A rather lackluster piece. The writing except for editing is fair to good, but I didnít care for it.

The one thing you will note is that Lucas and the other authors of the Universe have intentionally left out any references to Earth and our society, yet this author seems to revel in them. I didnĎt mind having Halloween, but references to stories that are definitely Terran simply dragged the work down. The one attempt with the Ďlife dayí celebration done on television back before most of you were born is a perfect example.



From Kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=13)


When All is Said and Done (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=939)
Caritas0

In the interim after KOTOR. While being interrogated Ciara (Once Revan) is forced to reminisce about the events of the voyage including emotional attachments.

Well written, mixing the drama of the events, the humor and romance of memories, with a full blown court of inquiry style interrogation.
Excellent work.


The Third Betrayal (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1038)
Allronix

From his own KOTOR III Fan-fic. Ebon Hawk makes a stop that leads to betrayal.

As with all of the work of this author, it is excellent and well written. While the scene is too reminiscent of the scene on Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back, it was still well done and intriguing. The ending was not wholly unexpected, but well played.


Crisis of Conscience (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1037)
BrennaSolo

A bridge between KOTOR and the present Star Wars a new Hope.

Well written, excellent characterization.

Not too many try to bridge between the two eras, KOTOR and the modern Star Wars Universe. BrennaSolo does it well by having a remnant of the character from KOTOR be an ancestor of Han Solo. The innner dialogue where Han and Revan talk about the events before the battle of Yavin is good because she ends up using the same method convincing him that Luke had to only a few days earlier.

fifteen readers gave it a thumbs up. I agree.

switchbladekat
03-11-2006, 09:10 AM
Always good to know about the fan fics a little ahead of time. Thanks for the review, i'll see what I can do about getting you all more. ^_^"

machievelli
03-17-2006, 01:29 PM
The tale of a Jedi on Dantooine the day of doom (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160757)
staffSaberist

A young Jedi apprentice flees the destruction of Dantooine, to land on... Earth

The style is spotty, but that is due only to needing editing and rewriting. Remember, kid. A good story isnít written, it is rewritten.
The primary problem with this is you have brought Earth into this. First;
The population of Earth in 48 when Area 51 was created was only a little over 3 billion.
Second, you have negated the Ďlong ago in a galaxy far far awayí of Lucas by bringing them into our world anywhere in our time line. If you had the character fleeing say during the last period (Killick) and had them arrive set to become our Atlanteans, it would have been more acceptable to me.

Mira's Vision (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160468)
cdunshee

Mira from KOTOR II has a vision of the future, when the Order may be destroyed.

The style is quick, and at times abrupt. The second fight scene in the first segment is where I noticed this. On again and off again. Donít worry, this is something that gets easier with practice

Remember to proofread. You shifted from present to past tense in one sentence. A Whatever prize to the one that spots it first. Again, this is only what writers learn not to do in time. Well done overall.

Dark Mirror (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158852)
The Doctor

Posted both on Super Obscura and here; In an alternate dark universe, the Jedi and the Evil Empire try to crush the last good in the galaxy.

The idea of an alternate dark universe is a staple of science fiction and fantasy. The Doctor treats it well. As much as you might think the intro is an interminable bore, it is necessary for you to understand the byplay within the story itself.
The style is up to his usual high standards, needing only editing (Their instead of there, that kind of thing, doc) and like a lot of the kids I have reviewed on three other sites now, he is surprisingly entertaining.

http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=100

Untitled (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=10895)
starwarsfreak

A series of vignettes from the clone wars.
Interesting, but the work is too short to do more than critique his style. The work needs editing to bring out what is good about it, and the author needs to focus on where heís going with it.

Wicked Ways
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=11332)
Darth Badman

Set 100 years before the battle of Geonosis, The Republic faces a new Mandalorian threat.

While well written My previous complaint still stands. The story segments are one huge paragraph.

Wish (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=10057)
Dancing Rainbows

A pair of Indian girls from England arrive in the city of Coruscant after a talent trial.

The style is excellent, and the story humorous. My problem is the same one mentioned above with blending the two. Mixing real life into a storyline is a standard way to have an adventure, but if you accept ĎA long time agoí it canít be done except in a dream sequence.

http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14

Object of Oppression (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=734)
home one

Beginning of KOTOR.

The work is crisp but abrupt. The story covers the operation aboard Endar Spire, but does so in a stilted manner. The author needs to do more than just move the character like a toy soldier.


Red Vengeance - Chapter One: The Life and Death Wish (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=993)
scythe404

KOTOR II: Follow on to Dark Redemption

This is not the first of Scytheís works I have reviewed, but this time I canít be nice. The work drags as he tries to explain too much. The back story is necessary, but still it drags.

As Luck Would Have It: (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=868)
ms Grim

Set in KOTOR during the Korriban mission. A blind Mynian (Revan) struggles to cope with bounty hunters Master Uthar, and her own disability.

Excellent work, with a really amusing and irritating scene with HK. The style is smooth needing only polishing to make it excellent.

Jae Onasi
03-19-2006, 11:53 PM
Since I need a 'Whatever Prize' so badly ;) :D, here's the sentence:

Mira pick up his lightsaber and attached it to her belt.

Hallucination
03-20-2006, 01:03 AM
^That's what I was thinking of posting, but it's just a mistake. You can tell because the conjugation of he/she for the verb 'to pick' is 'picks'. Therefore, it is safe to assume that he/she just forgot to add 'ed' to the end of the word, which could either be a keyboarding error, or just a little mistake, not switching tenses for no reason. ;)

Jae Onasi
03-20-2006, 01:14 AM
Oh, I know it's likely a typo, but I didn't see any others that met the criteria. :)

machievelli
03-20-2006, 11:26 PM
It's not like the world will end if you don't, Jae. As it is, you picked the right one defined by the criteria.
So WHATEVER

Jae Onasi
03-20-2006, 11:58 PM
It's not like the world will end if you don't, Jae. As it is, you picked the right one defined by the criteria.
So WHATEVER

:D

Jae strikes a dramatic pose, eyes part-closed, back of hand pressed against forehead, and utters breathlessly, "My life is complete!"

I'll share my prize with Hallucination since he said he'd noticed it, too. ;)

Seriously, I did like 'Mira's Vision'. Very interesting premise.

Hallucination
03-21-2006, 12:17 AM
I'll share my prize with Hallucination since he said he'd noticed it, too. ;)
Sweet, a whatever prize! I'd like to thank Jae Onasi, my parents, people who don't care about this and everyone here on LF. *wipes tears from eyes* :xp:

JediMaster12
03-23-2006, 09:07 PM
Stop being a drama queen/king! I get enough of that at home. :D
The fanfics I have read have been pretty good, some improvements needed for better story flow, etc. Just as a general suggestion to all the writers, try to type it first like on a word doc. The spell check picks up most stuff but not all. I say this so Hallucination doesn't come after us about our bad grammar and spelling :lol: :D

Hallucination
03-23-2006, 11:46 PM
^
>_>
<_<
I'll be watching you:xp:

Jae Onasi
03-24-2006, 10:55 AM
Just as a general suggestion to all the writers, try to type it first like on a word doc. The spell check picks up most stuff but not all. I say this so Hallucination doesn't come after us about our bad grammar and spelling :lol: :D

:lol:
I do like the spell check on Word (though it will miss some things if the word is spelled correctly but used incorrectly). It does catch the obvious spelling errors and typos.
The grammar check drives me crazy, and IMO is almost worthless for creative writing. It's tagging a lot of my stuff as incorrect when I know it's just fine, and that's not including things like fragments which I already know will be tagged as incorrect. I'm finding it's correct only about 10-20% of the time for the creative writing process. It works a little better for things like non-fiction reports/journal articles (probably around 50% or better), but it still tags a lot of things wrong that shouldn't be tagged as incorrect.

machievelli
03-24-2006, 11:22 AM
I have been using different variations of the Word and Microsoft office word processing programs and I heartily agree. They were designed not for fiction, but for business applications. There are a hell of a lot more businessmen using it for reports than there are writers at all.

If you want fun, set the Political correctness filter too. It will ding you 'not man but person' or in one case when I used the word bitch it gave me 'insulting, do not use!!!'

The problem with the english language is there are two many homonyms and usage is balanced by what the system decides is right. When you add in a program that isn't really made for it, you merely increase your problems.

Why do you think I constantly ding editing and rewriting?

machievelli
03-24-2006, 12:08 PM
Coruscant Entertainment Center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

KotOR the untold story (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=161461)
OfficerDonNZ

During the beginning of KOTOR, A Jedi remembers his friend Revan, and begins his own adventures.

The primary problem with the work is that it needs editing, spell checking, and then settling down to rewrite. The timing is good, scenes well portrayed.

Legacy of Vengeance (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159991)
arvik

No specific time within the Genre; A banished Jedi student hunts his fatherís killer.

Something about the usage of language suggests that the author is not an American. This is not a negative, it just means a lot of the flak I might usually give him is not going to happen.
The biggest problem is that you have to make paragraph breaks during dialogue, and the work needs editing for both language and grammar. The idea is interesting, but I am hamstrung because I have only heard of the Exile in passing, so I have no basis for comparison. Keep it up, write more.

It has no name
(http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160300)
fuzzyllama

No specific time within the Genre; A robot is given an odd assignment...

Several people have already commented on this, so there isnít much to say in correction except for my standard mantras. Slow down, visualize then write. Edit and check spelling and grammar. Proofread before posting. As one of the offenders in this last regard, donít take it to badly, K?

Well written, and whether it turns into star wars or something else, weíll just have to see.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=100)


Shadow's Past, The Chronicles of Kemp Mantet (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=9821)
3rdgenerationfett

During the formation of the New Republic a bounty hunter is hunted by love

The style is well done, needing only tweaking to be excellent. The story is from the seamier side of the Galaxy of course, but it makes it an interesting read.

Starwars: Galaxy's edge, (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13214)
Ithorian guy

New Jedi Order 2 months after Vector Prime Scientists race to discover the origins of the Yuuzhan Vong

The style is clean and the scene well laid out. The dialogue needs some work, and the usual editing problems apply, but itís a well written work for a newbie.

Mission to Bogden, The hunt for the Sith (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7792)
Zane Marit

Set during the Clone Wars; A jedi master and his padawan are sent our to search for the Sith.

Zane has done it again with this well written piece. Worth every minute in reading it.

kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14)


Payback (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=902)
Allronix

Starting 2 years before KOTOR, segueing into the escape of Ebon Hawk. A young Twi-lek girl finally pays off on a debt to Canderous.

An excellent well written piece. The style is Allronix at his best. 13 readers gave it a thumbs up.

The Fires of the Forge (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1015)
Cesar de Biscarret

Set during KOTOR II, A shadow assassin hunts a Mandalorian base.

Cesar does excellent work, and this is a fine example. The inner angst of the Mandalorians is something few have tried to show.

A ruff start (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=562)
cursed one

Starting before KOTOR I. Carth meets an odd person assigned at the last minute to his ship.

Well written, with well rounded characters.
Cursed one went back after playing KOTOR II to rewrite this part. It makes me wonder what he discovered, since I have yet to play that game.

Jae Onasi
03-24-2006, 12:30 PM
Quote snipped a bit....

I have been using different variations of the Word and Microsoft office word processing programs and I heartily agree. They were designed not for fiction, but for business applications. There are a hell of a lot more businessmen using it for reports than there are writers at all.

If you want fun, set the Political correctness filter too. It will ding you 'not man but person' or in one case when I used the word bitch it gave me 'insulting, do not use!!!'

It'll be interesting to see if blogging affects what MS does with grammar check.
Politically Correct stuff--when I was in grad school (history), being PC was Very Important. After 15 years of seeing people in the med field, I've finally come to the conclusion that yes, men and women are indeed different, and rather than trying to make the language completely androgynous, we probably ought to use what's gender-appropriate rather than what's gender-neutral. Of course, determining 'gender-appropriate' would create quite a furor. My rule of thumb is a. be respectful and b. don't use words that would make your mama want to wash your mouth out with soap.

there are two many homonyms

:giggle1:

Why do you think I constantly ding editing and rewriting?

Heh, because we need it. Effective writing is not intuitive, it's a learned skill.
:D

RC-1162
03-24-2006, 12:59 PM
great work again, Mach (and forget the allowance :P)
id like to know: wheres the political thingy that you used in word??

machievelli
03-25-2006, 01:48 AM
I don't know if it is still there or not. I was working with word 3.1 at the time.

JediMaster12
03-25-2006, 02:44 AM
I'll be watching you:xp:
Maybe so, but I haven't seen a response from you on my work :D

@ mach: Again great job a critiquing. You are a lot nicer than the ultimate editing machine My Mom :D I guess people should take a leaf on constructive criticism :D

machievelli
03-26-2006, 12:44 AM
Maybe so, but I haven't seen a response from you on my work :D
For the Anthology? Yes, I intend to use it is I can get a fakkakta agent to look at a full book. But I now am faced with making two or perhaps three anthologies set in different times...

Hallucination
03-26-2006, 12:50 AM
^I think she was talking to me ;). JM12, keep in mind that there's a difference between watching and announcing, and I always read the fics here. I usually have a reason for not posting.

machievelli
03-31-2006, 12:02 PM
Coruscant Entertainment Center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

Beyond The Force (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160621)
potsie

Set a Century after KOTOR, a young boy from Tatooine gets his chance to become a Jedi.

Well Potsie youíve improved so the story no longer reads like a badly cut movie. But I hate to say it, youíve gone too far the other way. The flow needs to be smoothed out, and you had some typos that threw me a bit. All in all, an improvement, and a good story so far.

Pravda (The Truth) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162077)
Tysyacha

A letter from the Exile begins a chain of events.

Excellent work, kid. All I can say is write more!


Kotor 2: The Good ending (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162036)
pokejedi123

A rewrite of the ending of KOTOR II

I wonít comment. The people who read this and commented on the thread have already told this author everything he needs to correct. Once you do, let me know. Iíll review it then.


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=100)


The Hunger
(http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13631)
trayuscore

Post KOTOR II: A captive Jedi falls to the dark side.
The story is well written, with no obvious flaws. Having never played KOTOR II, I was a little confused by the vampiric power that seems to be prevelant in this piece. But if I ever get a copy, I will figure out what I am missing.

One Last Time (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13715)
dFett

16 years after Vader is born, the dark lord returns to Naboo to deal with that part of his past.

An excellent work, and the ending was superb.

Commencement Day (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=7331)
Zane Marit

As Qui Gon Jinn becomes a full fledged knight, Master Dooku leaves the order.

If you have been following my critiques, you have heard Zane mentioned before. His work has steadily improved. This is an excellent Vignette in the history of the Jedi order, with a good flow and excellent explanation. There was no mention in the movies of why Dooku had left, and this not only gives a reason, but makes that tragic figure a bit more human and noble than we have seen him.

kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14)

The Gift (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1127)
jiara

In the interim between KOTOR I and II

On Carthís birthday, he gets a very special present from Jolee.

The style is crisp and clean, drawing you in and keeping you going. 38 readers on the site gave it a thumbs up.

A Reason To (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1129)
rose07

In the interim between KOTOR II and III The funeral of Carth Onasi draws the old crew together...
Rose has done it again. I hated the subject, but loved the writing. With simple prose she brings them all together, living and dead, to be together at Carthís funeral.

26 thumbs up. And it deserves it.

One of Those Days (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1117)
Round Robin

A typical day for Carth Onasi and Revan written round robin style. Contributors: Skypilot, Azog, Jiara, Allroay, Charys and Wook.
Moderator: Rawtooth.

A round robin is of course a story told by several people. This is an excellent version of that time honored technique, and even knowing that it was one made it difficult to find where it had been joined together.

Alkonium
03-31-2006, 08:09 PM
I don't mean to sound like the jerk people think I am, but how soon until you review Fall of the Sith?

machievelli
03-31-2006, 08:19 PM
remember you asked me to review the entire work, not just the segments. I told you at that time that I needed for you to send me a copy of the completed work so I would have time to read and review it all together.

Alkonium
03-31-2006, 08:21 PM
Ah, right. Well, I believe the appropriate links in my signature should work for that. But think you could review it individually before reviewing the trilogy as a whole?

JediKnight707
03-31-2006, 08:45 PM
:lol:
I do like the spell check on Word (though it will miss some things if the word is spelled correctly but used incorrectly). It does catch the obvious spelling errors and typos.
The grammar check drives me crazy, and IMO is almost worthless for creative writing. It's tagging a lot of my stuff as incorrect when I know it's just fine, and that's not including things like fragments which I already know will be tagged as incorrect. I'm finding it's correct only about 10-20% of the time for the creative writing process. It works a little better for things like non-fiction reports/journal articles (probably around 50% or better), but it still tags a lot of things wrong that shouldn't be tagged as incorrect.

Been there done that. I still write it in word, mainly because: a) sheer simplicity and b) [I'm not bragging here...well, maybe a little] I type so dang gone fast, that I sometimes do siad or jsut. Stuff like that. It automatically changes that, so I like it. But it ticks me off, if I write "Dang." and it underlines it.

Sabretooth
04-01-2006, 03:12 AM
But it ticks me off, if I write "Dang." and it underlines it.

Precisely my problem. It interrupts my accurate and fast fingers from continuing running on this buttoned device and land up on the black, curvaceous object, move it, then press the big black button on it, reset the type cursor and restart typing. The Laziness! The Laziness!

JediKnight707
04-01-2006, 04:47 PM
^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).

Tysyacha
04-01-2006, 06:56 PM
...http://tysyacha.livejournal.com

:)

Thank you so much for reviewing Pravda! I have
written some more, although on a different subject.
I don't know whether I should continue this play
or not, because it's not going the way I think a
KOTOR game should. There's not enough combat
by a mile, and I..I don't know. Could you please
tell me what you think, and whether I am wasting
my time or not writing this huge monster play?

Sincerely,
Tysyacha

Hallucination
04-01-2006, 07:08 PM
^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).
Speaking of things that point out little mistakes... ;)

Tysyacha
04-01-2006, 07:22 PM
Thank you for reviewing Pravda! I appreciate it very much, and I have written more...

http://tysyacha.livejournal.com

Enjoy, and please review! :)

JediKnight707
04-01-2006, 09:04 PM
Speaking of things that point out little mistakes... ;)
>_>
<_<
That was...supposed to happen :D I was...trying to keep you guys on your toes :)

Sabretooth
04-02-2006, 12:51 AM
^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).

IMHO, Spell Check is boring and interrupts me, especially because it picks up all the proper nouns as errors. Whats more, my Word dictionary seemingly has a problem and no matter how many times I switch it to "English (UK)" or "English (India)", it just snaps back to English (US). Now I just ignore the bloody thing and manually spell check the whole chapter when I'm done.

JediKnight707
04-02-2006, 08:09 PM
I never review my own work, its one of my...pet peeves. I just hope that spell check picks the damn stuff up :)

Jae Onasi
04-03-2006, 12:43 AM
I never review my own work, its one of my...pet peeves. I just hope that spell check picks the damn stuff up :)

Think of it this way instead--it's your chance to find any little problems before your readers find them for you. :D I view it as a challenge or game to find all the problems I can possibly find before sending it out. It also gives me a chance to make sure I'm not saying something terminally stupid or unintentionally offensive, and believe me, I've written some wild stuff entirely on accident and caught it at the last minute before hitting send/submit. I still have my moments, but I catch most of them before they leave my computer. :)

PazaakPrincess
04-04-2006, 06:47 AM
IMHO, Spell Check is boring and interrupts me, especially because it picks up all the proper nouns as errors. Whats more, my Word dictionary seemingly has a problem and no matter how many times I switch it to "English (UK)" or "English (India)", it just snaps back to English (US). Now I just ignore the bloody thing and manually spell check the whole chapter when I'm done.

I know your pain. This is a glitch in word, even if you set the default to English UK it still wants to go with US and they are not the same!

Anyway, although it's tedious to be very honest if you don't do your editing, grammar and spell check it ruins the experience for the reader. You may have a wonderful idea but it's going to get lost as your readers try and pick through the mistakes to get to your meaning. Most readers just aren't that dedicated.

You can make a much bigger impact if you do all that you can to clean up your story to make it readable. I edit my chapters somewhere around 10-20 times each and that's just for content.

Writer
04-04-2006, 07:27 PM
Wow! You do a lot of reading, don't you Mach? :)

machievelli
04-05-2006, 02:28 AM
Wow! You do a lot of reading, don't you Mach? :)

I read an average of four books a week right now. Down from a few years ago, when I read seven a week.

JediMaster12
04-05-2006, 03:20 AM
Wow. I usually start ten and then finish them depending on the mood I am in. This week it is a textbook on GIS and samurai sword techniques along with some fanfics.
I guess we are in the same boat in terms of read load eh mach? :D

RaVô
04-05-2006, 04:00 AM
I'd really like to see your criticising of my future works :D

machievelli
04-05-2006, 11:02 AM
Wow. I usually start ten and then finish them depending on the mood I am in. This week it is a textbook on GIS and samurai sword techniques along with some fanfics.
I guess we are in the same boat in terms of read load eh mach? :D

My thing is when I am working on something I sometimes do a lot of research. I have been working off and on on a book about war crimes and in the past three months have read three based about the Civil War, two about the Boer War, seven books about WWI, three about WWII, and am now reading one about Korea.

machievelli
04-05-2006, 11:04 AM
I'd really like to see your criticising of my future works :D

Too quote Mr. Incredible, 'we get there when we get there'.

machievelli
04-07-2006, 12:18 PM
Coruscant Entertainment Center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

An Inverse of Stars: Part One (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162264)
PazaakPrincess

An Alternate ending to KOTOR

An excellent work by this new writer. The problems are the same as I dun into all of you. reread and rewrite. This needs so little revision I hated to actually tell her to do anything with it.

The death and rebirth of Taris (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162242)
Maverick5770

The aftermath of Taris as people struggle out of the wreckage.

Kid, the same thing I tell everyone here. First, concentrate on what you are trying to portray, then write a little bit slower. Reread your work and use your spelling checker.

On the whole, it is an excellent start. I was surprised that Zelka survived, but hey, itís youíre story not mine. The pulling together in adversity tone you have taken portrays one possibility in any disaster. What I want is more of it to read.


Vader's Trial (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162391)
sithlordsadique

Five years after the Revenge of the Sith. Darth Vader faces his worst enemy, his own mind...

Except for spelling and minor grammatical errors, there is nothing to say against this work. I didnít even notice how far I had gotten in it until I ran out of story to read.

Now THAT is what a story is supposed to do!


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=100)

A Lust For Blood- (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13743)
Grand Admiral Thrawn

Set concurrent with the events of SW A New Hope: A Tusken Raider finds a niche in Galactic Society...

From the third Paragraph, I was hooked. The style is clean needing only proofreading and editing. The subject matter excellent. Well Done!

Lightsaber Battle (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13760)
Luvien

A very short lightsaber battle. No time set.

The piece is too short to really judge. The style is good, but there is nothing to tell you who what or why. I was dissatisfied for that reason alone.

Palpatine, From humble beginnings (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=2242)
Jacen Solo

During the events of The Phantom menace from Palpatineís journal.

This is Jacen Soloís second time in the spotlight, and as before, his style is good. All he needs to do is edit, proofread, and remember conversation breaks. An interesting idea well done.


kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14)


Knights of Redemption (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=847)
Soser

KOTOR Alternate Universe: An additional main character spices the mix.

By adding an additional character Soser has rewritten the entire story. In a lot of cases, this would be a bad thing, but the story is excellent, the character well considered before his addition. All is all an excellent read.

Last Farewell (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1166)
mellyna

Set somewhere during the interim of KOTOR II. Revan says goodbye to the Ebon Hawk

This is the second time mellyna has graced my maundering. The piece is short but sweet. Too short to really satisfy, but well done.

The Coming Darkness, Prologue (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1179)
Darth Kronos

A Dark Jedi Master contemplates the universe.

Darth Kronos has given us a view of the universe that is not unique, but well considered. What if the bad guys in all of our star wars stories, all of Lucasí stories were trying to save the galaxy, not destroy it? DK only looks at Exar Kun and Revan, but it is a thought provoking read.
My biggest problem with adding this to my work load is I honestly donít have time to hunt down and read every bit of the works I have enjoyed.

Alkonium
04-09-2006, 02:09 AM
Ok, I emailed you copies of my trilogy, incase you haven't checked your email yet, old man.

machievelli
04-09-2006, 02:31 AM
Shall I react as you did with kid?

Saw the e-mail, downloaded it to my computer so I can read it. As promised, I will read and review it in the next posting, okay?

Alkonium
04-09-2006, 10:47 AM
Shall I react as you did with kid?

Well, that was the joke. But, don't worry I'll not going to do that anymore.

machievelli
04-09-2006, 01:51 PM
No worries, Alkonium.

machievelli
04-14-2006, 01:19 PM
14 April

Coruscant Entertainment Center (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)

The Mysterious Killer (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160651)
Jedi Knight 707

Against the backdrop of a galactic plague, the few Jedi remaining try to hold society together.

The style is good, the basic story a staple of fiction. The characters could be fleshed out more, but that is the only real complaint I have.

Rescue from Mustafar (http://lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155005)
Triumph of the Republic (http://lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156087)
and
Fall of the Sith (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158446)
Alkonium

After a slightly acrimonious discussion, I agreed to review all of these together as one work rather than separately.

On the whole the basic idea is excellent, This would be an excellent body of work and a jewel in the crown of the site if Alkonium would edit, and slow down a bit on the action. The description could use some work, but that is polishing.

I know exactly what he is doing wrong because I did the same thing before he was born. It took me a decade to get past this because no one was willing to tell me I was doing it wrong.

Alar, mercenary for hire (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=162537)
Dark Lord Cheez

A bumbling assassin tries to remember who he is supposed to kill on Kashyyyk.

I wasnít sure whether to shake my head in shock or laugh. He himself says itís unfinished, and heís right. He needs at least a few hundred more pages.

What he did write however is very good. The bad guy that canít remember is not a regular staple of fiction, but when done well, it makes for funny reading.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=100)


The End To The Sith, (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13990)
Manveru

The climactic battle between Exar Kun and the Jedi.

The work needs to be edited. The author needs to learn about dialogue breaks.

The story itself was too short to judge from, but if I remember correctly didnít Exar Kun kill master Vodo Baas?

Attack on Coruscant (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=13892)
Bonestorm471

Just before Revenge of the Sith. The climactic battle of Coruscant seen through the eyes of the Jedi defenders

The problem with the piece is the writer is trying to cover too much ground too quickly. Again it is that Ďmovie converted to pageí attitude. The piece reads like a series of movie scenes, but fail to capture the full majesty of such an assault.

lightsaber battle (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=14102)
Dvfurlong

No time period given. A battle between master and padawan.

The work needs editing and dialogue breaks. The descriptive writing needs work, but on the whole well done.

The piece was left open ended, and the author awaits people who wish to direct which way the story will go.


kotorfanmedia (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14)


Old Friends and New Beginnings
(http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1182)
aphv

After the Star Forge. Carth hunts down the woman he loves.

The piece is bittersweet, and poignant. The writing style is clean and the scene well thought out.

Itís My Life (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1221)
wtftastic

After the battle of the Star Forge, Revan makes an interesting choice.

There have been few stories written from Canderousí viewpoint so far. This was one I thoroughly enjoyed. Too little has been written about the Mando way, and the author captured small pieces of it and set them delicately into place. Very well done.


Hatred (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1288)
Rhiannon

Set between KOTOR I and II. The Exile tastes the bitterness of her lot and plans her revenge.

The story was captivating, and again I wish I had the time to read everything every good writer has posted, and not just what I need for a review. This author would be worth the time.

Alkonium
04-14-2006, 04:00 PM
After thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree with you about my stories, which is why I'm redoing them, with no mistakes, a lot more detail, and a few minor changes to the plot, although the Republic-Yuuzhan Vong Alliance and the human-Twi'lek romance still stand.