View Full Version : [Fic] [FIC] Path of Betrayal
12-10-2005, 02:52 AM
I just decided to write a fanfic (my first), so please post what you think of it, and any way to improve it, if you could. So, please bear with me on this. :) This is just an idea I have had floating around in my head.
It is about 50 years after TSL. Sith haven't shown themselves since the events of then, only just in brief encounters with them from Jedi Knights. Telos is now a Jedi Academy along with Coruscant and Dantooine. Several Mandalorian clans are all prominent figures in the galaxy, each of them squabbling with each other and with the rest of the galaxy. The story begins as a Onderon scout ship is boarded during a patrol mission.
(EDIT: Name change from "Ijic" to "Keltan" for the main character)
The tower shook as an earthquake hit the city, the seventh one to do so. Parts came crashing down, narrowly missing his head. “Why did I ever take an apartment in this building?” He wondered. As windows shattered and the wind whipped about him, he tried to run, but found that he couldn’t move. He looked helplessly as a large section of rubble came tumbling down on him, crushing him. Over it, a small boma walked on top, looking at him curiously. Blaster fire hit the boma and knocked it off the pile. He looked out the window to try and figure out where the blaster fire came from. Another young boma came up and started clawing at him, pushing and pulling on him. A large, strange-looking fighter came zooming right at the window, its blaster cannons opening up and releasing a barrage of bolts, at which a large chunk of metal came toward his face….
…Someone was shaking him, and was being persistent about it too. He painfully opened his eyes, and stared at the foggy image of the person frantically trying to wake him. Rubble was pushed off of him, and he saw standing before him a Onderon soldier. The Onderonian pulled out his rifle and fired off down the corridor, shooting a heavily armored man square in the chest. Mandalorians…. Keltan thought. I really did get trapped under debris- wait, what am I thinking? I’m on an Onderon scout ship, not Iziz tower. The ship rocked as blaster fire hit the outside of it, throwing him on the ground.
“Come on, blast you, the Mandalorians have taken the ship! Get up!”
Keltan stumbled to his feet, coughing. He ran after the soldier, who was now rushing toward the escape pods. By the force... How did the Mandalorians find the ship? This was just a patrol mission, way out here on the outer rim. Keltan puzzled over it all the way to the escape pods, which the Onderon soldier ran up to and activated the controls.
“Come on,” he said. “We should be able to crash land on the surface and hol- Aaaah!!!”
He fell forward, a blaster bolt hitting right through his head. Ijic instinctively dived behind a container, hearing more shots being fired. He pulled out his pistol and laid down a field of fire at the Mandalorian, who ducked. While the Mandalorian took several shots, they all glanced off of his armor and his energy shield. Keltan’s puny pistol couldn’t ever breach a defense like that. Falling, Keltan felt a sharp burning pain in the arm of his Onderon uniform. The armored man jumped forward with a vibroblade, evidently going to finish him off with a melee weapon.
Keltan frantically felt on his belt, his hands meeting a fragmentation grenade. Using his un-injured arm, he tossed it at the Mandalorian, hitting him right in the face. The grenade exploded, sending a now headless, grisly lump of flesh and metal slamming against the wall.
With his last strength, he hauled himself aboard the pod, hitting the control button. Keltan was pressed against the wall as the escape pod rocketed off toward the planet’s surface. He looked out the viewport, remembering the forest covered planet the ship had been heading toward before the attack. The green surface grew closer. “Yavin IV,” he muttered to himself.
The escape pod hit hard, slamming his skull against the hard metal of the craft. After he had stopped seeing stars, he got out of it and looked at his surroundings. He was in a forest, dark and uninviting, with several large and seemingly dangerous creatures wandering about. His gaze turned back to the sky. He could still see flashes of light from blaster fire directed against and from the Onderon ship.
After a few minutes he turned back to his escape pod. As it was not exactly meant to withstand that kind of a landing, and it wasn't intended for space travel, it didn't present any answer to his problem of getting off the jungle moon. Thankfully, he was able to find a survival pack, containing some medpacks, energy shields, flares, and other assorted items. Unfortunately, there wasn't any weapon of any kind.
Blast it he muttered as he looked back into the forest. As the Onderon ship would likely be destroyed, the Mandalorians probably would come and search for him on Yavin, hoping to salvage wrecks and capture Onderon prisoners. With that in mind, he headed into the trees. There really seemed to be no end to them; It all looked the same, to him. All he could occasionally make notice of were piles of rubble and ancient ruins. He had once been told that Yavin IV had many ancient tombs of Sith- apparently he had heard correctly.
After what seemed a long while, he discovered a large grouping of ancient buildings, overgrown with native foliage and animals. Exploring inside of them a little bit, he found a small passageway leading into the ruins. Maybe this would be a good place to hole up for the night, he thought . After thinking for a few minutes, he headed in.
12-10-2005, 10:19 AM
Pretty cool, I'l be waiting for the next chapter!
12-10-2005, 04:15 PM
keep it up i like this:)
12-10-2005, 04:36 PM
Hope Chapter 2 is up soon, this story is pretty cool. *hides notepad because everyone thinks he's copying8 i'm looking at these fanfics for some ideas
12-10-2005, 05:28 PM
Thanks guys. Chapter two may be a little while, although not too long.
12-11-2005, 12:00 PM
Several Mandalorian clans are all prominent figures in the galaxy, each of them squabbling with each other and with the rest of the galaxy.
I disagree with this because you state that the mandalorians rise again but at the end of TSL. Kreia says the mandalorians slowly decrease in numbers over the years. This is when she predicts the future on Malachor V
12-11-2005, 12:26 PM
^And if Kriea told you to that she was your mother, would you believe her:xp:
Just because Kria said that the Mandalorian would fall in number doesn't mean right away. Think of the Prophecy of the chosen one. It said that Anakin would destroy the Sith, but it never said that he wouldn't fall to the Dark Side and fulfill the prophecy in his redemption. Just because the Mandalorians are going to die out doesn't mean that they won't rise in number one more time.
Nice work, Rob. Me likes.
Weclome to Lucas Forums, Darthward:D
12-11-2005, 12:38 PM
Your right The doctor u've changed my mind no i have no objections to the story i think it is an amazing idea
12-11-2005, 08:30 PM
Here it is. I kind of wasn't sure how to get where I am trying to go, but I think I got it.
Keltan headed into the center of the structure. From what he could tell, it wasn’t a main tomb, but an outlying building- maybe some kind of temple or something. Hearing voices, he headed on down the corridor.
“Damn communicator….blanked out on me.”
“Not surprising, especially with the kind of equipment we get sent with.”
“The stuff is just pure-“ The voice stopped as another voice cut in.
“Captain, no sign of Onderon soldiers.”
“I know they’re here somewhere, a couple of escape pods landed. Keep searching!”
“Yes commander.” The Mandalorian hurried off. Ijic heard a beeping noise. “Idiotic terminal…” Someone muttered.
Suddenly there was a loud exclamation from one of the Mandalorians. Keltan had no time to contemplate why, for a second later, he was shot in the stomach with a stun-gun. He fell to the ground, as he lost consciousness.
He woke up in a cell, in what looked like a small shuttle. Several Mandalorians were sitting in chairs near the cockpit, laughing and playing Pazaak. Next to his cell was an unconscious man, who looked like he was a Jedi due to his robes. Keltan started to investigate the force field. It seemed like he could disable it with that small tool that he always kept in his boot-
“Well, looks like sleeping beauty finally woke up, didn’t he?” One of the Mandalorians drawled to laughter from the others. They turned back to their game, apparently uninterested in him. He looked at the force field again. Pulling a small electrical disruptor from his pocket, he burnt into the metal, finding the force field emitter. A gun was a few feet away- and they weren’t looking, not to mention making enormous amounts of noise. He turned it on.
With a buzzing sound, the force field deactivated. He started for his gun, then stopped as he thought one of the Mandalorians was about to turn. He started for the gun, then stopped and looked at the other occupant of the force fields. The Jedi was looking at him quietly, and surprisingly awake, instead of unconscious and under the effects of a neural disruptor like Keltan had seen. Moving quietly over to the field, Keltan deactivated it. Both crept silently toward their weapons, until one of the Mandalorians saw them. “Shoot them down!” One shouted.
Keltan prepared to shoot, but before he could, the Jedi jumped to the Mandalorians, and killed them all with one swing of his lightsaber. He looked back at Keltan. “You’re one of the Onderon soldiers, aren’t you.” Keltan nodded.
“My ship was ambushed by Mandalorians, and I crash-landed on Yavin with a escape pod.”
“Thought so. My name is Tarsa Gon, Jedi Knight. Recently I was scouting for trouble in the sector, but I received a distress signal from presumably your ship. The Mandalorians shot me down, and I was knocked unconscious by the crash.” Tarsa looked back at the console. “We will need to leave the sector, and I need to report to the Jedi Masters on Telos. You will need to come with me, I’m afraid.”
“Of course.” Keltan muttered under his breath.
Tarsa set the ship on a course for Telos, as they both sat down and waited for the ship to arrive.
12-12-2005, 02:30 PM
Any constructive criticism would be very nice, by the way. :D I'm still trying to figure this out.
The small shuttle came out of hyperspace next to Telos. As Tarsa and Keltan got out, Keltan stopped and looked around; As he had never been to Telos before, he was interested in the space station. Tarsa contacted Lt. Dax, requesting permission to take a shuttle to the polar region on Telos, which was granted.
Telos, while the restoration project was suffering many setbacks, was still steadily moving forward. After the Jedi Exile had helped the Ithorians with the Czerka and Exchange troubles, they had been able to move forward. So, Telos was slowly yet surely being restored to what it once was.
After Tarsa had refueled the shuttle, he and Keltan got in and flew down to Telos, skimming across the ground. In a few minutes they had landed at the polar region, at a small plateau.
After getting out, Tarsa headed straight for a small entrace which appeared to go down into the ground. The door opened and they headed inside.
Keltan walked into what appeared to be an academy, filled with people he thought were Jedi. In the room they were in, two were dueling in a battle ring, honing their lightsaber skills. Tarsa hurried on to the interior.
Finally they reached a large circular room, filled with chairs put in a circle. Through one door Keltan could see a long walkway stretching over a vast rift, which seemed to have no bottom to it. Over the walkway came three people, two humans and a small little green alien.
Tarsa bowed to them. "Master Atair- Master Jol-Keph- and Master Tadra." He said to each of them. The short little green alien spoke.
"Knight Tarsa, returned, you have. Discover something of these Mandalorians, did you?"
"Yes, I did." Tarsa replied. "They had ambushed an Onderon scout ship over Yavin IV, and had completely destroyed the vessel. This man, a soldier, was the only survivor I could find."
"The Mandalorians seem to have information as to the whereabouts of our vessels." Jol-Keph said quietly.
"You are not suggesting that someone is feeding that certain clan information, are you?" Master Atair spoke for the first time.
"Know, we do not. But not known to be given to them, foresight is. And know uncannily, they do, the vessel's locations." Tadra said.
"The Mandalore of clan Jarga is getting bold- if we do not take a course to stop his clan, he will overrun other ships." Jol-Keph said.
"We cannot rush into this without first understanding the situation." Atair contradicted.
"Nevertheless, if sit here, and nothing we do, more destruction of ships will occur." Tadra said softly.
"Forgive me, masters, but Keltan, a Onderon Soldier, was on board the vessel." said Tarsa. "He might no more."
"Know, you do, something of these attacks, soldier of Onderon?" Tadra asked. "Tell us what happened, you will?"
Keltan related his story, from the time he had fought through the Mandalorians on board and then crash-landed on the moon, and entered one of the tombs.
"Hmmm... Add this to the Jedi's transmission, you should." Tadra looked at the other masters. "Perhaps- in contact with someone high-ranking, this Mandalore is. Find the betrayer, we must."
"How do you propose that?" Atair asked, unconvinced.
"The only one who Mandalore would confide in would be his most trusted commander." Tarsa said.
"And put someone in that place, we should. The soldier, long experience with Mandalorians, he has had, I believe."
"You mean to have him infiltrate the Mandalorians?" Jol-Keph said. Keltan spoke to Tadra.
"Hold it- Look, I just came here because Tarsa asked me too. He never said anything about having me pose as a Mandalorian."
"He didn't?" Jol-Keph said, feigning incredulity. Atair glared at him.
"Preperations made, they must. And a shuttle prepared, Mandalorian armor and weapons it must have. Time to execute our plan, it is." They've been dreaming this thing up this whole time? Keltan thought. "Know, you did not, soldier, that Tarsa, supposed to negotiate with your commander, he was."
"Yes. We have been working with the Republic on this for some time. And, it seems, the man to do this task showed up in front of us." Keltan started to protest. "But your record speaks for you. It was not chance that you were the one soldier that survived. But Tarsa will fill you in later. The shuttle is made ready, and you must look the part."
Several hours later, a Mandalorian climbed into a small G-Wing fighter. At least, it looked like a Mandalorian. Keltan muttered and grumbled all the way to the fighter, and was still muttering to himself as he piloted the ship away from Telos. Tarsa's voice came from the comlink. ... Everything is set now... I'll be here to fill you in, just in case you need help. I won't actually be in the camp, but I'll be observing and keeping an eye on you. If you need help, just contact me. The beam should be secure enough so no one can listen in... Good luck.
Keltan savagely muttered to himself. He felt like he was getting a bit old for this kind of thing, even though he knew he was still pretty young. I have to give the Jedi credit for one thing... They sure can talk you into things smoothly... Keltan jumped into hyperspace and set the fighter on autopilot, going to sleep.
12-16-2005, 01:57 PM
Keltan woke up as the small G-Wing fighter came out of hyperspace toward Dxun. The moon was pretty much just as he remembered it, almost a sister planet of Onderon, except for the thick forest and fierce beasts on the surface. Spotting a small clearing in the jungle, he landed the ship and got out.
The Mandalorian camp should be around here, Tarsa had said. Perhaps a bit to the west of him, although they weren't sure. Grabbing a disruptor rifle, Keltan set off along a small path, which he hoped would lead him too the camp. He hadn't gone too far when he spotted two cannoks, at which he stopped.
Cannoks were known to be vicious little creatures, and Keltan gave them a wide berth. They didn't seem to notice him. He had just turned from watching them, when he came face to face with four other cannoks. Oh, damn. Of course, I've got to run into a whole heard of them, He thought.
Keltan grabbed one of his frag grenades and tossed it at the cannoks. The explosion killed one, and another was hit with several fragments. The other two rushed at him, along with the other two cannoks Keltan had seen. Keltan quickly gunned one down, but the other slammed into him and knocked him down. Shooting the cannok in the chest, he rolled over and leveled his rifle at the others running at him. Both crashed to the ground a few moments later.
In the center of Clan Jarga's headquarters, the current Mandalore picked up a small comlink. "What is it now?" He asked.
"Sir, we've picked up a ship on the moon, it seems to have just landed."
"What type is it?" Mandalore asked.
"It appears to be a G-Wing configuration. Seems to be deserted, but someone was in it."
"Follow them then, and report what the person is up too. We don't need our position to become known."
"Yes, Mandalore." The Mandalorian commander turned to the others. "Head out in pairs. Try and find whoever was in the ship, I want them monitored. Once you find them, contact me."
The Mandalorians headed out from the ship, searching for Keltan. The commander turned away, motioning for one of the Mandalorians to join him. Following the same path that Keltan had taken, they turned on their stealth field generators.
"Someone did come this way, Hex. Look." The Mandalorian said. Hex had already spotted them some ways back. "Did a pretty poor job of trying to hide his presence here."
"Either that, or we're following a Mandalorian. Might have come here to join." Hex said.
Moments later, they came upon the remains of the cannoks. The blue-armored Mandalorian, known as Ace, bent over them. "Disruptor rifle," he murmered. In that case, it isn't some Onderon scout, since the disruptor rifle is illegal on their planet. He thought. And there he is- And he is a Mandalorian, or at least wearing our armo.
The other Mandalorian stood up, and looked to where Hex was pointing. Keltan was just a bit up the path, encountering more trouble from cannoks. "Come on, lets go and see what he is planning on doing." Ace said. The two Mandalorians went forward, still invisible.
12-21-2005, 07:51 PM
Good story so far. What's going to happen next?
12-25-2005, 12:16 AM
Nothing to see here in this post, move along! move along! :trooper:
Hope I got the right thread? :D
12-25-2005, 12:28 AM
Nothing is this post either, you don't need to know the past events. :D
The answer is "yes," RedHawke. Thanks.
12-25-2005, 02:13 AM
(If people are reading this thing, one note- I changed the main characters name. Sorry if that really isn't the greatest thing to do in the middle of a fanfic, but I hated the first name after a while. His name is now "Keltan")
Even more cannoks came running up to attack Keltan, as he blasted them as they came running with his rifle. The moon was filled with them- it was no wonder why many traveled there and not many came back. A strange place to find a camp of Mandalorians, He thought. Finally reaching an end to the vicious beasts, he walked forward.
Unknown to him, Ace and Hex followed him, keeping a close watch on the supposed Mandalorian. Unseen by the other beasts, due to their stealth field generators, they continued up the path with Keltan.
"Think we should just shoot him in the back?" Ace sarcastically whispered to Hex.
"I'd love too, it would save us from more trouble. But, he may just be trying to join the camp." Hex replied, yet kept his eyes on Keltan.
"Well, we could pretend he got eaten by a Boma. Or a Zakkeg. How about this: 'Sorry, Great Mandalore- the Mandalorian got bitten in the butt by a Zakkeg, and almost died from the infection. Hex and I, remembering the old joke about the two Mandalorians in the woods, decided to make sure he was dead before we left. So we shot him.' Would that do?" Ace smirked.
"Somehow, I don't think he'd be quite amused. Besid- watch out, you idiot!" Hex whispered furiously to Ace, who narrowly avoided running into a sleeping cannok.
Keltan, who was up ahead, might have noticed the noise behind him, if it hadn't been for the appearance of Mandalorian guards beside him. Keltan raised his rifle, then lowered it, as did the guards. "You there, Mandalorian, where are you going?" One of them said. "If you're trying to get back to the camp, you're on the wrong side of the moon."
Dammit, those stupid schuttas had to show up and assume he is one of us! Hex thought. He uncloaked right behind Keltan, making furious gestures to the bewildered Mandalorian. Confused at the Mandalorian's strange actions, Keltan turned to see Hex now making even more furious gestures, with Ace comically imitating him by jumping up and down and waving his arms- behind his back, of course.
"Stranger, you're coming with us to see Mandalore. As for you, fool, it would be best that you exercise common sense when revealing your sorry selves to unknown people." Reaching back and socking Ace in the helmet, who abruptly stopped his antics, Hex led Keltan toward the Mandalorian camp.
As Keltan rightfully guessed, the camp was merely temporary, and the Mandalorians were only passing by the area. Most of the living areas were either tents, or half permanent barracks inside the old Mandalorian ruins once used by the Mandalore of clan Ordo, who had reunited the clans to some of their former glory and honor.
Hex was impatient, so Keltan had little time to observe the camp, but instead was hustled into a small hangar bay, where Mandalore was inspecting several Basilisks and Mandalorian shuttles. "Mandalore, we picked him up. Claims to be a Mandalorian, supposedly heard about our clan being here and left a little gang on the smugglers moon to join."
"Little late of you to show up, isn't it?" Mandalore said, seeming to try and look through Keltan. "War's been goin' on for a while now, and all of a sudden now you come crawling up here."
"I didn't have any way to get off Nar Shaddaa once I finally heard of you." Keltan replied. "I was working as a merc for one of the crime lords, and I wasn't getting along well. But now I'm here, and I'm ready to join the rest of my fellow Mandalorians."
"Well, I just hope you are up to it. Time will tell whether you are worthy to rejoin the clan." Seeming to forget Keltan was even there, Mandalore turned back to the ships.
Admiral Voxu Kragh, leader of the Onderon fleet, sat high above the planet of Onderon. Only elevated to his post a month ago, he seemed completely used to his position, and so far was a competent commander of the Grand Fleet. Highly regarded among the navy, many wondered where he had gotten his military experience, and his genius. Not that they would ever need to know, of course...
Not a native of Onderon himself, he was actually from Wayland, one of the crime lords there with talent for strategy, as shown by his defeat of his rivals with inferior forces. Learning more during the small gang wars that happened a few years ago, he had kept his power for a very long time, which was unusual for crime lords.
His previous career was known by no one, the reason obvious. He did not need a suspicious past like that hovering in the news. He was popular on Onderon, very popular. Even the ruling class, while they might have known of his previous occupation, didn't really care, what with the Mandalorian threat.
One of his lieutenants came up to him, carrying a small data recorder. "Sir, we have just intercepted a message coming this way. We weren't able to decode it, or the message's source, but it is for you. Something important, apparently."
"Yes, lieutenant, have it transferred to my private quarters." Voxu sighed and got up from his seat. Upon entering his room, he sat down and got into a comfortable position. Then, somewhat annoyed, he pressed the button on his hologram projector.
Flaring to life, a small, fuzzy blue image showed in mid-air. Gradually gaining focus, soon it became the image of a man, wearing what looked like black fiber armor, with a small cloak hanging down from his clothes. The figure smiled, without humor.
"Ah, Admiral Voxu. I'm glad that you could spare the time. How are things in your little fleet?" He said.
"Who are you? And what business do you have contacting me?" Voxu retorted wearily.
"Names are not necessary, especially in the line of business I am in. Besides, I think you know who I represent. A black sun rises-" The person said, softly.
"And a red moon sets." Voxu finished. "Why do you bother me more, I'm minus on sleep already."
"Don't worry, this won't take long. Now that you know who I am, and who I am working for, there are a few things that need to be talked about. First, what are the Jedi Masters doing about the Mandalorians? Do you think they are suspicious? And what about the Mandalorians themselves, are they responding?" The hologram demanded.
"First of all, the Jedi aren't doing a single thing about the Mandalorians. They sent a few scouts, but thats it. They're complacent as always. As for the second question, why the hell would I know what goes on in that little green midget's head? They could be thinking anything for all I know. And the Mandalorians are doing everything as planned. They're headed for Jabiim, next, unless I'm wrong."
"All right then, since you don't know about the Jedi, I guess we will need to use our other sources. But, it appears that everything else is going well, and as expected. Very well, I will leave you now. Just one thing- keep an eye on the Mandalorian clan- monitor them, without tipping anybody off that you know where they are." The hologram abruptly vanished.
Voxu sat for minutes afterward. What a waste of time and energy! He knew all that, or could have found out that. Looking at the clock, he realized he was even more minus on sleep. Getting up and walking to his bed, he fell asleep only minutes later.
12-25-2005, 01:06 PM
"Forgive me, masters, but Keltan, a Onderon Soldier, was on board the vessel." said Tarsa. "He might no more." quote]
Just thought I would let you know that your no should be know. Just some proper grammar.
12-26-2005, 02:15 AM
Sorry about that. When you are typing in everything you make mistakes easily, even if it isn't what you were trying to type.
01-21-2006, 07:03 PM
Sorry I haven't commented earlier. You've got a really good story going. (I love stories with intrigue and complicated plots!) And your story would be even better if you posted the next chapter... :naughty:
11-22-2008, 12:24 AM
vBulletin®, Copyright ©2000-2013, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.