View Full Version : [Fic] okay first fanfic

Darth Beowulf
12-18-2005, 12:28 AM
Chapter 1

A lone figure walks the waste of Octonus IV. His name is Jacen Salar, a simple farm boy who has run away from home after learning the truth from his parents. The truth is he’s is not an only child as he thought he was. His brother was taken long ago before he was born by a jedi Master intent on showing his brother the ways of the force. Jacen walks thinking of what to do. Should he go to Coruscant and see his brother or go home to his parents. The rumbling of swoop bike engines interrupts his thoughts. Three swoops race by him and go for about 100 meters and then turn around back towards him. The swoops begin stop next to him. “Well what do we have here,” the lead rider said, “Looks to me like a little farm boy.” Jacen’s face turned red with anger. He hated to be called little. He was in fact 16 years old and not short for his age. “Lets see if he’s got any cash,” the second rider said as he jumped off his swoop. “Yeah,” the third rider said as he hopped of his bike and pulled out a shock stick. The leader just sat on his bike. “Listen I don’t want any trouble,” Jacen finally said. “We don’t want any trouble either we just want your money,” The 2nd rider said. “I don’t have any credits!” Jacen remarked. “Now that I highly doubt,” said the leader finally getting off his bike and pulling out a heavy blaster, “take him down.” The 2nd rider punched Jacen in the stomach making Jacen puke all over his assailant. “Oh gross, Why you little!” the rider said infuriated. The 3rd rider lunged at Jacen with his shock stick. Jacen moved to the side slightly making the rider miss him and hit the 2nd rider. The 2nd rider fell to the ground paralyzed. The lead rider opened shot at Jacen but missed him and hit the 3rd rider in the head. The 3rd rider collapsed to the ground dead. “DAMIT KID STAY STILL!” the leader yelled while firing at Jacen. One shot hit Jacen in the left arm, knocking him to the ground. Jacen screamed in pain as his skin burned. “Now you die kid,” said the leader pointing his blaster at Jacen’s head. “NO!” Jacen screamed. Jacen pushed his arm out at the rider and force pushed him into one of the swoops and knocking his blaster to Jacen’s feet. The leader stood up and lunged at Jacen. Jacen scrambled to the blaster and fired three times at the rider’s chest. The first shot burned away the rider’s chest plate. The second and third went thru his body and exited thru his spinal cord and skin. Blood boiled from his mouth and he fell to the ground in a puddle of blood. Jacen got up and held his injured arm (still holding the blaster). He walked over to the paralyzed rider and unloaded the rest of the blasters ammo on him. Blood splattered on Jacen clothes. He discarded the blaster and ran back home as fast as he could. A figure in Dark robes watched him from a rock formation 50 yards away. “Soon you will be mine and we shall rule the galaxy,” the figure said thru a metal voice box.

Darth Beowulf
12-18-2005, 05:04 PM
yeah you guys can comment on this you know

11-21-2008, 11:24 PM

11-28-2008, 06:17 PM
The main thing that jumps out at me is that your punctuation really needs work, and you need to learn where to break your text into paragraphs. Get that nailed down and you will be off to a much better start.