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View Full Version : [FIC] Ebon Hawk Pranksters


CountVerilucus
02-15-2006, 11:24 PM
The Ebon Hawk was docked at Kashyyk, and as usual the crew members that Selene left behind were plagued with boredom. Mission usually tried to get people to play pazaak with her, Carth and Canderous were busy at the workbench tuning up their blasters, Canderous sometimes could be found in the cargo bay exercising, and the Jedi on board would meditate. Zaalbar had been detained by his own kind. Selene would soon go out with Juhani and Jolee again to solve the situation.

“Damn, Bastila is such a joy killing schutta I tell you!” Mission said angrily as she came into the repair bay of the Ebon Hawk. Canderous and Carth were both making maintenance repairs to their blasters on the workbench. HK-47 stood where he normally stood, impatiently waiting to commit homicidal acts.

“So what else leads to the dark side this time, having fun?” Carth said sarcastically, Bastila was always protesting the actions of everybody in the group that didn’t wield a lightsaber, including Selene.

“This leads to the dark side, that leads to the dark side, you are on the path to the dark side.” Canderous said, comically imitating the voice of Bastila.

“Well, maybe we need to do something to loosen her up a bit.” Mission suggested, the three of them then went to thinking. How could they do this in a friendly way.

“Suggestion: Maybe I could do something to help. A blaster shot to the face of the meatbag would surely dispose of your troubles.” Hk interrupted, he always made remarks like that. Then an automatic “No” would come from somebody how heard except Canderous who usually approved of it. Didn’t matter who he killed, as long as he got to kill somebody.

“No Hk, that's a little too harsh. However, I think I know how you could help. But I can’t tell you.” She then spent the next several minutes conversing with Carth and Canderous, finally they’ve come up with a solid idea to prank Bastila with.

“Alright, Selene is going to go back into the Shadowlands again in a little bit with Jolee the new guy and Juhani, while the rest of us stay behind. Then we can make our move.” They all grinned at each other, ready to pull of their diabolical scheme.

Selene, Juhani, and Jolee left for the Shadowlands soon after. We wished her good luck, and then went to work. As expected, Bastila was in her quarters meditating. That was when the three of them prepared their plan. Then finally putting it in to action.

“Ok, go Hk. We’ll be right here. And not about this word alright!” Carth said quietly in the security room of the Ebon Hawk. Canderous, Carth, and Mission activated the security camera to the female quarters and watched as Bastila meditate. Hk soon entered the room, Bastila was deep in concentration, so she didn’t notice Hk until he finally spoke up.

“Greeting: Why hello there, you look gorgeous today meatbag Bastila.” Hk had his legs crossed and was leaned up against the wall by the entrance to the female quarters.

“Hk, what are you doing? Shouldn’t you be off shooting at the gizka or something? Now leave, can’t you see I’m busy?” Bastila barked. Canderous, Carth, and Mission began giggling in the security room of the Ebon Hawk.

“Query: Well you see Bastila, my circuts are cold. I was wondering if you could warm them up if you know what I mean. If you like, I could return the favor with a soothing massage. It is one of my side protocols you know.” As soon as Hk said that, one of his glowing red eyes turned off then on signifying a wink. The three in the security room were now chuckling lightly, it was a very amusing sight.

“Hk, are you broken? Infact, are you seriously hitting on me?” Bastila was now on her feet. She seemed really confused, Hk never acted like this before.

“Answer: No, my parts a functioning fine, besides the fact you are making my circuts spark.

Statement: It’s getting a bit hot in here.”

With that Hk removed his expensive upper body armor plating that Selene purchased for him and dropped it on the ground.

“Question: See anything you like?”

“Hk are you mad!? I’m going to get T3 right now to fix you up.”

Bastila headed for the doorway, right before she could exit Hk put out his arm across the doorway. With his other hand, he used his metallic index finger to begin tickling Bastila’s chin.

“Query: Why don’t you and I ditch this ship and I can show you my how to polish my oil intake funnel?” Bastila looked at the droid in shock. She had been many places in the galaxy. Many men tried to get her comm link code due to her striking attractiveness. But this has been by far, the most cheesy and most pathetic pick-up attempt she has every heard. Atleast those drunken slimeballs on Taris offered credits.

“Hk, get your finger away from me and let me through now!” Bastila was now getting really angry. Canderous, Carth, and Mission were now laughing uncontrollably. When it reached Bastila’s ears, she was outraged. Is this their idea of a joke?!

“Statement: Alright, anything for you sexy. Oh and by the way, this finger isn’t just for firing my big sleek blaster if you know what I mean.” Hk, gave her another wink. Bastila’s jaw dropped open. She couldn’t believe the words coming from the droids mouth. While Hk was pulling his arm out of the way, his metal hand lightly grazed her breasts.

“Statement: Whoops!” Hk then again gave another wink at Bastila. The laughter could now be heard throughout the whole ship. Some Czerka employees outside even stopped to look at the Ebon Hawk to see what was going on after hearing the laughter that echoed within. The three in the security room were already on the ground laughing so hard that it was painful. Bastila however was outraged, with Hk’s violating gesture. She replied by using the force to throw the droid into a wall.

“Oh frack! She’s coming!” Canderous said, as he took a look at the security camera. Now they were beginning to panic, but the lightened mood was still among them.

“Quick, shut it off!!!” Mission said.

Bastila soon entered to find the three laughing to a holovid of “Republic Idol”

“These holovids from the holonet are a laugh aren’t they guys?” Carth remarked in a highly unconvincing tone. A tone that a child would use when a mother would ask him if he had done anything wrong. Carth shut off the monitor. Bastila’s eyes got smaller and glared at the three of them with her arms folded, she clearly knew what was going on.

“Well look at the time, I need to go tune up my blasters.” Canderous said with a tone similar to that of Carth’s. He stood up, and waited for Bastila to move out of the doorway.

“I’m tired, it’s a good time for me to get some sleep.” Mission remarked. Her tone wasn’t really plausible either.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to call Selene on the comm link, make sure she’s ok.” Carth stood up himself. They all waited for Bastila to move out of the way, she just glared at them all. Finally she stepped aside and the three of them left the security room. Bastila saw they all had smirks on their faces, obviously making a difficult effort to keep from breaking out in laughter. When they were out of room Bastila sat down at the computer console then accessed “Download History”. The latest download and first one on the list read…

“Name: Sexual Seduction For Protocol Droids

Classification:Temporary Droid Behavior Program

Description: Prank one of your friends by selecting a target making your protocol droid a certified lady’s man!

Program Desitination: Hk-47 Behavior Core

Target Unit: Bastila Shan"

Bastila stared at the computer screen and clenched her jaw. Her eye’s grew larger, her face turned red, and her hands folded up into tight fists. Finally, she got up and went to the repair bay to find Canderous, Carth, and Mission standing in a circle giggling. They soon realized Bastila was there, with her arms crossed glaring at them.

“So, is that your idea of a joke! How get so low, you all disgust me!” Bastila shouted, unsuccessfuly trying to strike a blow at their dignity. All three of them just stood there speechless, but clearly they weren’t taking Basila seriously.

“Hey, no hard feelings huh Bastila?” Carth said, trying to make peace with her. Clearly there would be no peace.

“Now Now Bastila, calm yourself. Such anger could lead to the dark side.” Canderous said mockingly, with a slight grin on his face.

“Oh come, we’re sorry. It was just a joke, and it gave us good laugh. Lighten up a bit.” Mission was the first to make an exceptional effort in putting Bastila at ease. But still it was futile. None of them expected her to do anything. After all she was good little Jedi. Bastila stood there, probably thinking of what to do. She didn’t realize Hk was approaching behind her. The droid came up and gave Bastila a hard tap on the reer end. Bastila flung around to face the droid.

"Observation: So, meatbag Bastila likes to play it rough.

Statement: I'll play it anyway you want if you know what I mean."

Hk gave Bastila another wink.

Then again, the three of them broke out in histerical laughter. Bastila deactivated the droid and spoke out when the three of them were done laughing.

“I’ll give you all something to laugh about.” She raised her hand hand at the three of them, obviously about to engage some force power. Canderous, Carth, and Mission looked at her in fear, she wouldn’t dare attack them with the force they all thought. Then suddenly they were all on the floor laughing histerically once again, as Bastila stood over them with a smile still holding her hand out.

“Something I tought myself awhile back. I call it force tickle.” Finally, she released them of the hold. The three of them lay on the ground, out of breath. Bastila grinned, then strolled back to her quarters to meditate thinking they learned their lesson. Carth, Canderous, and Mission however began planning their next prank.

couple hours later…

Bastila was weary and decided to get some sleep. After removing her robes, she slipped into her bunk, and began to drift off. Only to alarmingly awaken when sensing multiple things crawling around under her blanket. She quickly jumped up and screamed in fright. Reluctantly, she removed her blanket to find a couple gizka moving about in the bunk. Laughter soon was booming throughout the Ebon Hawk once again.

Oh I’ll give them something to laugh about…

(Revan would be Selene. I chose the name because i recenlty watched Underworld Evolution and thought it was a good name.)

JediMaster12
02-16-2006, 03:42 PM
HK can wink? To be honest you had me cracking up with the lady's man thing. At first I was slightly confused about the setting and where the ship was docked. It would have helped with a bit of introduction. Still it was funny. Maybe you could through in one of your drunken RP characters Ja?

Vladimir-Vlada
02-16-2006, 04:07 PM
LOL. Not bad. It sure is better than my attempt at comedy.

Meatbag
02-16-2006, 04:13 PM
Can I say ROFLMAO?
Good, good, just make sure it's "HK", both capitals... I think T3 should also get involved... but in a KoTOR II version of this... Atton vs. Mira or something, lol

CountVerilucus
02-16-2006, 06:59 PM
My first attempt at comedy. Im usually like to write more serious stories, but when i write them they take along time.

JediMaster12
02-16-2006, 08:16 PM
I say keep at it. I'm up for a good laugh. The first time I nearly bust a gut.:D

Hallucination
02-17-2006, 12:20 AM
:rofl:Great job, I can't wait to see where this is going. :rofl:

machievelli
12-04-2008, 01:40 PM
read