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View Full Version : [FIC]The Mysterious Killer


JediKnight707
02-16-2006, 09:56 PM
This is my new fic. It has nothing to do with my others. Hope you like it :)
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I’m one of the few million still alive in this galaxy. Worlds, entire systems were wiped out by something you cannot see. It destroyed things, choosing no favorites, and no particular enemies. It was a microscopic bacterium that appeared, seemingly from nowhere. There are now more planets than there are sentient species. I am one of the four remaining Jedi. We are trying to rebuild, but it’s not going well. We have decided that the bacteria should have no name, for it is unspeakable. We simply call it The plague. My name is Kyle Element, and I’m going to rebuild this galaxy.
I walked towards the street; I needed to catch an air-taxi. As I stepped out into the street, the sun made me blink rapidly, until I adjusted to the sunlight. I looked around, remembering the busy streets, there was always something clogging the streets. I ran my hand threw my hair, despair filling me. It was like there was nothing left. I flagged down one of the air-taxies and got in. The robot asked me where I needed to go.
“Jedi Temple please,” I replied. Where before it may have taken hours to get there; now it took minutes. I stepped out, and walked into the building. Normally there would have been Jedi bustling out and about, now there was simply an empty hall. I walked into the room where we all agreed to meet.
As I stepped in, a voice greeted me, “Hello Kyle.”
I recognized the voice as Tyler Space. I waved and said hello back and looked around at the remaining Jedi. I saw the only remaining Jedi Master Tyler, the two other Jedi Knights Danielle Chain and Cody Short, and the last padawan Timothy Color.
“So what’s on the list for helping today?” asked Danielle.
“Well, were thinking of going back and trying to start settlements on Dantoonie again,” replied Tyler, looking at his list. Most planets that were pivotal in the galaxy had been completely wiped out, so we had to reinhabit them. The good thing about The Plague was that it left all the buildings standing. Didn’t harm anything but biological tissue. Most animals had immunities to it, but the majority of sentient people didn’t.
“I’ll bring a group there,” Cody offered. He was energetic and often used his lightsaber before his people’s skills.
“I thought as much. Sure, see if you can round up as many people and take a ship there,” Tyler replied. “We should go to Tatoonie too.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Mos Eisley.”
“Alright I’ll go there,” I volunteered.
“Great. See if you can rack up some people and head out there.”
“Will do. I have an idea.”
“Shoot.”
“We need a leader. Someone to lead the remaining galaxy. You.”
“No. We have discussed this before, I will not become a politician. I’m a Jedi.”
“It’s been pretty melancholy lately. Maybe not you, but someone. We need a leader to unite us.”
“I think I know just the man. He used to be a senator for Alderaan. Good man, great politician. I’ll talk to him later. See if he’s interested.”
He dismissed us five minutes later, and I walked into the dimming light of the day. I decided to stay in the Temple, it would be hard to get back to my room. I was walking back to my quarters when I ran into Timothy.
“What you doing here?” he asked quizzically.
“Too late for a cab,” I answered. “I’m gonna go to bed. Good luck at Nar Shaddaa.”
“Same to you for Tatoonie.” He appeared nervous.
“What’s wrong? You seem nervous.”
“Just my first assignment that far from here.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” I hoped that he would. Since all these people had died, looters had been robbing more and more stores and becoming more and more violent.

I’m going to have to stop this story for a second right now. This is a turning point in my life, and I know that the Force had a hand in it. I’ve always been thoroughly convinced that it has a sense of humor, no matter what other’s say. For if I had never traveled down this particular hallway, I probably would never have been married. I never would have had any of my three children. If I hadn’t walked down that hallway, I’d probably be dead right now.

I walked down the hallway, where there is a fork. Normally I travel down the one on the right, yet, something told me to go to the left. So I walked down the left, and when I neared the final turn to my quarters, I could have sworn I hear someone say my name from behind me. I turned around and saw no one. Yet, I turned the corner backwards, and ran into someone. “Sorry,” I said on reflex.
“Don’t worry about it,” came the reply. I turned, and noticed it was Danielle. “But, Kyle, you’re exactly the person I needed to see.”
“What do you need?”
“Well, actually, I was wondering if I could tag along with you to go to Tatoonie.” I was startled.
“Why? Is there someone you need to…see?” Most people had to go to a certain planet to make sure that their loved ones were actually gone. Most people had a tough time believing that everyone was gone, but especially their loved ones.
“No, my only family was my mother—my father ran away when my mother was pregnant—and she died when I was three. But, I figured you might need some company, and Tyler agreed with me. Ever since John passed away, you’ve been fairly secluded—”
John was my best friend; since I was nine, and he was eight. I guess you could say that I still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gone. “I have not been secluded, and if I have been, it hasn’t been because of the fact that John…isn’t with us. I mean look around!! There are almost no humans—people for that matter—alive.”
She looked worse than if I had struck her. When she spoke, it was with chosen words, and a forced calm, “We are trying to rebuild. You know, just as well as I do, that sitting here and pouting about John or the rest of the world, is not going to help.”
I almost argued with her. But, I knew she was right. I sighed, and ran my fingers threw my hair. “Your right. I’ve been selfish as of late.”
“So…can I come?”
“Oh yeah, sure. I’m gonna head down to the cantina tomorrow to see how many people can come to Tatoonie. Can you make it?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure. If I can, I’ll see you there, if not then see you when we leave.”
“Bye.” I walked away, feeling rather good about myself. I had gotten a rather large load off my chest. And, the person didn’t yell, didn’t break loose. I walked into my room, admiring the simple yet exquisite design. It was simply furnished, with only a twin sized bed, a dresser, and a bathroom. I stepped into the bathroom, looking into the mirror. I thought I was handsome enough, especially for a thirty-one year-old. I had a little stubble on my face. I have stormy gray eyes; and I’m well-built for my 6’2” frame.
In the morning, I did my normal stretches, practiced a little of my Judo form. At noon, I set off for the cantina, hoping to find at least a handful of people that want to come to Tatoonie. I picked up my cell phone and called Danielle, to see if she was going to make it. She picked up on the second ring:
“Hello?”
“Hi Danielle, its Kyle. I’m just about to arrive at the Cantina, and I was wondering if you could make it.”
“Sure. See you there.”
This was a very hard part for me to say. “Wait! Umm…I was…I was…”
“Kyle, time’s an issue, I have to go.”
“I was wondering if we could get a bite to eat afterwards.” I finally threw out the words before I could chicken out.
It seemed to take her by surprise. “You mean, like a date or something.”
“Well…yes.”
“Oh, OK. I guess so.”
“How about Milroy’s? At about sixish?”
“I’ll be there.”
I hung up feeling rather good about myself. I called a cab and told the robot to go to the cantina. I paid the robot, and stepped into the cantina, the smells already consuming me. I saw some of the regulars in their usual spots, drinking their lives away. I walked over to the bartender, Tom Page, a man I knew well. He glanced up and saw me. He already knew what it was about. “Where to this time?”
“Tatoonie. Just waiting for Danielle.” He knew all of the Jedi on a first name basis.
He sighed. “Tatoonie got destroyed too?”
I shook my long hair from my eyes. “Dantoonie as well.”
He knew what that meant. “All of the Jedi?”
“As far as we know.”
It was a few minutes until Danielle arrived. I declined a drink, and made small talk. I came up to her as she stepped in. She made no comment of our previous talk, just saying, “Have you asked yet?”
I followed her lead of not talking about our date later that day. “I was waiting for you. Ready when you are.”
She sighed heavily. “Go for it.”
Our methods for getting people to come are in no way directed to our Jedi training; nor are they all that sophisticated. I stood on an empty table and yelled, “I’m taking a group to Tatoonie. Are there any volunteers to help?”
The chatter died away quickly. No one stood for a few seconds until a man in the back rose. “I will.”
I pulled out a data pad. “Your name is?”
“I’m Dr. Akira Slump. Most call me Dr. Slump. I’m sure my wife would join me as well. Her name is Midori. I also have a daughter, Arale.”
I wrote down all of the information. “Anyone else?”
“I will. My name is Travis Frieza.”
About thirty minutes later I had recruited twenty-three people, and was set. “Were going to head out at about nine-o-clock. Have all of your luggage and the sorts ready. We will leave without you if we have to.” It was brave talking, but it was untrue. I turned to Danielle. “See you at six.” She smiled; and I walked away.
I went back to my room to see if I could catch a nap before our date. I sat down on my bed and cracked my neck, rolling it in my hand. I dozed off for awhile, nightmares haunting me. I awoke in a cold sweat. I looked at the time, realizing it was 5:15. I switched into another pair of robes, and rubbed my head, a headache coming.
I got into a cab, and arrived at Milroy’s with ten until the hour. Danielle cam a few minutes later. I waved at her and she sat down. I pulled out her seat, and sat down across her. We chatted in a state of relaxation that neither of us had experience in a long time.

Diego Varen
02-17-2006, 04:59 AM
Great start. Post more.

JediMaster12
02-17-2006, 01:36 PM
You are off to a good start. I use the same first person tense in my fanfic Heart of the Guardian. Just as a tip, try to describe people and places. Just having dialogue going back and forth makes it sound like a movie script. It's up to you however and I'm just suggestin'. Keep posting, I look forward to seeing more.

JediKnight707
02-17-2006, 07:18 PM
You are off to a good start. I use the same first person tense in my fanfic Heart of the Guardian. Just as a tip, try to describe people and places. Just having dialogue going back and forth makes it sound like a movie script. It's up to you however and I'm just suggestin'. Keep posting, I look forward to seeing more.

Thank you. But, I've always written in third-person (except for like essays for teachers), so this is fairly new to me. If I had written what I normally wrote, it would be much shorter.

Vladimir-Vlada
02-17-2006, 07:24 PM
Nice start. Keep it up.

Hallucination
02-18-2006, 01:53 PM
Good job, this must be the only fic involving star wars and plagues :). I need to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail now... Keep up the great work!

JediKnight707
02-18-2006, 05:52 PM
Good job, this must be the only fic involving star wars and plagues :). I need to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail now... Keep up the great work!

Thanks!! You've seen MPatHG before right? And why do you need to watch it so bad now? But, its so hilarious, it doesn't matter. Just watch it for fun :D

JediKnight707
02-20-2006, 09:32 PM
Well, before I get more into it, I'm just curious what you guys want in this story. I wasn't intending on putting in any romance, (mainly to see if I could write a story without it) but I want to know what you guys think.

switchbladekat
02-20-2006, 09:57 PM
Interesting. *nods* I like where it's going. As the others have mentioned, the sentence structures could use work, but that's always something a writer works on to improve their overall story telling so you probably don't need to be told over and over again.

I too, can not wait for more.

ScieX
02-20-2006, 10:17 PM
really cool... hope to see more.

JediKnight707
02-21-2006, 09:27 PM
Added some.

JediKnight707
02-22-2006, 08:49 PM
Added more.

JediKnight707
02-23-2006, 08:10 PM
No feedback? Odd.

JediMaster12
02-24-2006, 02:10 PM
Well I thought that the story would progress in that you would post another segment. Everytime I check all I see is added more. I didn't understand that at first. I was under the assumption that you would post the next segment. That was what I was waiting for. It's up to you however.

JediKnight707
02-24-2006, 07:04 PM
I guess that you haven't read my two others before, I only have about four-five chapters. I add on to each one, until I think it's time to start another.

JediKnight707
03-03-2006, 02:32 AM
Since people aren't accustomed to my way of updating (I hope I don't sound uptight) I'm gonna do it like everyone else :)
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I glanced at my watch and realized we had been talking for an hour and a half.
“It’s time to go,” I said, sighing.
She glanced at her watch. “Wow. I hadn’t expected us to talk for so long.”
“Well, let’s go fly to Tatoonie.” I paid for the meal, and I walked Danielle towards the door. We arrived at docking station with only five minutes until nine. I counted the heads, with only one missing.
I was about to shut the door when I heard someone yelling, “WAIT!! WAIT!! I’m here!!”
I looked back to see who it was.

This is a pivotal point in the story. I’m fairly ashamed to say this, and I’ve never told anyone else this, but I gasped when I saw this woman. Her name is Heather, and she is now my wife. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She is about 5’10”, with piercing green eyes, and the prettiest hair I have ever seen. I’m going to fast forward our story about a month. Tatoonie was becoming bigger, with a population in the hundreds. Danielle and I had gone on a few more dates, but we had decided to not bring it to another level.

It was one of my last days in Tatoonie. I was walking towards Heather’s house, scared by what I was going to do. I walked to Heather’s door, and brought back my fist to knock. I held my hand there for several seconds, deciding if I should or not. I took my hand down, and turned to leave when I saw Heather standing in front of me.
She smiled a smile that will always melt my heart and said surprisingly, “Kyle! What’s the special occasion?”
I stammered over my words. I was extremely nervous. “I…I was just…wondering…if…if you want…”
She giggled in her hand. “Yes?”
I blurted out my next words. “I was wondering if you needed a fan.”
She couldn’t hold back her laugh anymore. “A fan??” She laughed harder, and I joined in. “I’m free tomorrow, at seven if you want.”
“Great. I’ll come pick you up. I know this great little place.”
“See you there.”
I walked away, and after three steps I let out a huge sigh of relief. I had wanted to do that every since I had first seen her.
I walked home and decided against wearing Jedi robes. It wasn’t often that I made that choice. I picked out my only other shirt, a nice dress shirt; and picked out my only other pair of pants, a nice pair of black. Instead of completing my attire of dressiness, I chose to don my usual Jedi boots.
I walked to her house, and knocked. She answered in a stunning dress of white, with a blue flower design, and blue ribbons emerging.
I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and we started walking down the street, toward a nice café, hoping she would like it.
We entered, and I ordered a juma juice; she ordered one as well. “So, what’s it like to be a Jedi?” she asked, sipping her drink.
I laughed a little. “Well, if I answer that, you have to answer one of my questions. To be a Jedi is to be everyone, and yourself, so to say. You can sense everything, so you’re like seeing out of everyone’s eyes. Yet, you are only yourself.”
She pondered my answer. She finally responded. “Must suck. What was your question?”
“What’s it like to not be a Jedi?”
We both laughed. She grabbed my hand, getting serious. “Do you remember anything, when you didn’t have the Force? Or at least, you didn’t have it trained.”
I ran my hand over my face, thinking. “Well, I was taken from my parents when I was young—and I’m grateful that I’m a Jedi, don’t get me wrong. But I do wish that I could just shut off the Force sometimes.”
We continued to talk; dwelling into each other’s past, learning more and more. Noticing how late it was I offered to walk her home.
She shook her head. “It’s fine. I think I’ll manage.”
“C’mon. I promise I won’t bite.”
She laughed. She blew her bangs from her eyes. “Alright. Fine. Walk me to my beautiful castle.”
I paid for the meal, and we walked out.

I’m going to pause our story here. You must understand that I was caring about our safety, and if there was anything I could have done to prevent this upcoming disaster I would have. I knew it was coming, I’ll admit that much. But during the meal, I had searched everyone’s brain, poking at their thoughts, seeing if the person I was looking for was there. He (or she) wasn’t, so I did the only thing possible. I acted as calm as possible, and tried to escort Heather and me to safety.

Jae Onasi
03-03-2006, 09:51 AM
I have to tell you, when Kyle gave his answer on what it was like to be a Jedi, I just never expected Heather to respond, "Must suck...." :)
Since I work in the medical field, I noticed the technical details of the plague right away, and that section looks fine.
Keep writing!

JediMaster12
03-03-2006, 11:07 AM
You know, the pick up lines that Kyle used were a bit more funny and more like what a guy would say when they want to ask a girl out. Hey it's a lot better than "Are you an angel?" I like it and the description you give helps me visualize better at what you are trying to get at. I like it and I hope you keep on posting.

Since people aren't accustomed to my way of updating (I hope I don't sound uptight) I'm gonna do it like everyone else:)
No not uptight. I just wasn't expecting our style of posting. With me I need the time to write the next chapter of my fics because I'm juggling work and school and now a conference trip to Maryland. Still I read the rest of the first post you did on the story and I liked it. I didn't know Jedi had cell phones. Maybe it was so small that itt fits in the ear :D Still it is a good story and I hope you keep posting more.

JediKnight707
03-03-2006, 07:29 PM
You know, the pick up lines that Kyle used were a bit more funny and more like what a guy would say when they want to ask a girl out. Hey it's a lot better than "Are you an angel?" I like it and the description you give helps me visualize better at what you are trying to get at. I like it and I hope you keep on posting.


No not uptight. I just wasn't expecting our style of posting. With me I need the time to write the next chapter of my fics because I'm juggling work and school and now a conference trip to Maryland. Still I read the rest of the first post you did on the story and I liked it. I didn't know Jedi had cell phones. Maybe it was so small that itt fits in the ear :D Still it is a good story and I hope you keep posting more.

That fan thing I got from a book I read recently A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. Pretty good. And the main character's name is my name in real life :) And the cell phone thing was tough. I wasn't sure if they even had cell phones, but I had to think of a way to have him talk to Danielle...

Hallucination
03-03-2006, 07:51 PM
^Two words: comlink. Keep up the great work. :)

JediKnight707
03-03-2006, 07:55 PM
*slaps head* I knew it!!!!!!!!!! I knew I was forgetting something.

Jae Onasi
03-03-2006, 10:56 PM
^Two words: comlink. Keep up the great work. :)

You're killing me, man. :D Comlink is one word. ;)

Hallucination
03-03-2006, 11:11 PM
^I did that on purpose, I almost always add or subtract one from the real number of words. You may see another example of it here, if you don't believe me: Click me for info on microwaving cats for fun and profit! (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=160178) ^I have two things to say to that:
1) Gungan girls are probably very hideous.
2) It's true, but only when you are referring to humans.
3) What would your wife think if she knew you posted stuff like that?

JediKnight707
03-10-2006, 12:31 AM
Sorry guys, but the update won't be until this weekend.

JediKnight707
03-12-2006, 11:31 PM
I had a sense of urgency when I was leaving, and for obvious reasons. I was walking briskly, trying to get away from the restaurant, Heather throwing questions at me. “Why are we rushing Kyle?! Kyle why—” That was when the bomb went off. It exploded, shrapnel flying everywhere.
“That’s why,” I said grimly. “Can you walk yourself home?? I want to see if I can help.”
“Yeah,” she said a distant expression on her face. “Go help.”
I ran into the inferno, shielding my eyes from the smoke. I heard moans and groans everywhere, and I tried to help where I could. Emergency teams were already there, shooting down the fire. I was walking around, looking for victims, when I found a note lying on the ground:

Dear whom it may concern,
This explosion should speak for itself. Do not underestimate me. We have already killed a Jedi, and we won’t stop at that. I bet you are asking yourself, ‘If he’d blow up a diner to kill just one person, what else is he capable of?’ I’m capable of much, much more damage. You don’t want to find out just how much. If you don’t want another incident like this, then pay half a million credits, and dump it into the trash can on Main and Q Street.

With Much Love,

The Sadistic Bomber

Sadistic was right. He was one sick dude to just kill people just to get to me. I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that it was because of me that all of these people had died. It was horrific to think that someone would go threw all of that carnage to get to one man. And the worse thing was that I wasn’t dead. He probably knew that, so he’d go after more and more people, just to get to me.
After helping clean and heal, I left for Heather’s. I already knew what she’d say. She wouldn’t want to see me anymore. I kicked the dirt, angrily. I had hoped that our first date would go at least unsuccessful, not that people would die.
I knocked on her door. She opened, completely awake, as I knew she’d be. Nobody would sleep this night. “Kyle…” she said, looking down. I handed her the note, and told her to read it. It took her a moment to read it, and she said, “I’m sorry.”
I’d been looking at my scuffling shoes, and I looked up when she said that. “Why should you be sorry?”
“Because, you have a terrible burden already, as a Jedi. But now you’ve got someone to worry you further.” She raised her hand, and I expected her to slap me. But she didn’t, she did something more shocking. She kissed me.
She smiled when we pulled apart. “I thought that you might need that.”
__________________________________________________ _-_____________________
Short, but definetly not sweet.

Hallucination
03-12-2006, 11:40 PM
Definitely. ;). Well I was expecting something longer, but I guess we won't be getting much else, will we? Keep up the good work. :)

zadi
03-13-2006, 03:04 AM
I picked up my cell phone and called Danielle, to see if she was going to make it. She picked up on the second ring:

Cellphones? In the Star War universe? ::Shrugs:: You might want to do some research on what they use for personal communication but they don't use cellphones.

JediKnight707
03-15-2006, 12:39 AM
Definitely. ;). Well I was expecting something longer, but I guess we don't be getting much else, will we? Keep up the good work. :)

I was hoping that it'd be longer (and I promise that the next one will be) but this story isn't coming as fast as I had hoped :/ It was easy in the beginning, but now...its attack of WRITER'S BLOCK

JediMaster12
03-15-2006, 01:20 AM
Hey don't worry about it. I go through them all the time. I'm on a block for the Lost Tales of Reavn and I just posted a new chapter for Heart of the Guardian. I like the segment you posted. I was definitely not expecting the kiss. Keep up the good work.

Jae Onasi
03-16-2006, 05:39 PM
(Jae sighs happily....) A kiss! Very nice.
Hope he gets the bomber, too.
I can't tell you how other writers get over writer's block--there's probably as many methods as there are writers. I finally had to make a list of all the things I wanted to include and created a mini-outline as a guideline. It doesn't help with the little details that we need to make a story cool, but it does serve as a sort of roadmap on where I need to go next.

anakin34
05-30-2006, 06:44 PM
real sweet dude , i loved the killing part

machievelli
12-04-2008, 01:40 PM
read