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zelda 41
02-18-2006, 08:25 PM
Heres my new fanfic. Enjoy. Note: Look for more of the story later on this month.This is a (very) short chapter book.

Chapter 1:Enter Razputin
Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!"
The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed,

"THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!"

"Razputin! Please calm down,son."
Raz's father stood there,along with his mother and sister, staring at him.

"OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--"

"Care to repeat that, young man?"
Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed.

"Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying.

"SHUT UP, CLARA!!, Raz yelled at her.
She rolled her eyes.

"Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour."
The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

End of chapter 1

Smon
02-18-2006, 08:31 PM
It's very... short...

zelda 41
02-18-2006, 08:37 PM
Oh... crap...

Klia
02-18-2006, 09:13 PM
It's not that good.

The plot is rushed and I feel disorineted as I read it. The action is not at all set up and the scene is just jumped into. Also, never put how a character is feeling in () as they serve another purpose.

Raz, while I can't say he's OOC seems very one-dimensional as do the other characters.


This is a great idea, however the execution needs work.

kaecla
02-18-2006, 09:52 PM
Definitely has some grammatical errors. Remember that when a new person talks, a new paragraph is started. I just ran it through word and bolded all of the mistakes.

Darkness surounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, starteled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!"The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed,"THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!""Razputin! Please calm down,son." Raz's father stood ther,along with his mother and sister, staring at him."OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--""Care to repeat that, young man?"Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed."Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying."SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes."Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour."The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

Here's the edited version.


Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around **acking** as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water. The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!" The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed, "THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!"

"Razputin! Please calm down, son." Raz's father stood there, along with his mother and sister, staring at him.

"OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--"

"Care to repeat that, young man?" Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed.

"Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out, like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying. "SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes.
"Never mind. Just get dressed. The show starts in a hour." The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed. He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

**don’t know what acking means…

zelda 41
02-18-2006, 11:00 PM
Okay.Man I Suck

zelda 41
02-19-2006, 11:15 AM
I fixed it!! YAY!! :)

Klia
02-19-2006, 12:40 PM
Zelda41, I'm not trying to make you feel bad and you certainly don't suck..,..no one sucks. However even with the fix the story still is not that great. Please read my post over again.

KingCheez
02-19-2006, 01:01 PM
Take a writing class in summercamps for the gifted like I did, or just normal public summerschools.

They won't actually make you better, but you'll be inspired.