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Xbx_Inthusiast
03-14-2006, 01:55 AM
(Short chapters.. not actually going all out, just a fanfic about my rp)

Three years after the dark Sith lord Revan came to power, when the Dark side of the Force cast a shadowy, evil veil over the galaxy, the Jedi in hiding came out, willing to fight and help piece back together to shattered remains of the Galaxy.
Most of the Jedi had fallen to the Dark side by force or volunteering during Revan's reign. The Dark side is a threat on every world, scaring civilians and Rebels, for the power of the the Sith was infinite. The Jedi council has been reborn on Dantooine, away from the eyes of the Sith, and are secretly planning an uprise against them.
Several Sith Lords have risen to power. Darth Tergis (Revan's right-hand Sith) has been tracking down these Jedi who are going to planets. He and his men have been tracking, ambushing, and slaughtering the Jedi wherever they are found. Their interests have piqued about Force sensitives too, for they have the 'capability' to become Sith Lords instead of Jedi Knights.
The Mandalorians have made several outposts on different worlds and are the same old, rough, senseless army. Yet, they are more organized and skillful than ever. They are under the new Mandalore, Canderous Ordo. Canderous has a background with Revan, but has turned to the Dark Side. They currently have a truce with the Jedi, but being with the Sith, we know the truce won't last long.
The Republic is being led by Carth Onasi, and currently are at war with the Sith. They have a truce with the Mandalorians and the Jedi, but are helping the Jedi with their 'Rebellion' against the Sith. Secretly, that is.
Even though the power and lure of the Dark side is tough, the Jedi have banned together and they have been most resilient. Tracking down Force sensitives on planets nearby and training the Jedi they already have, the Jedi council has a plan, a plan that will hopefully bring peace back to the post apocalyptic Galaxy..
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Chapter 1- By the Saber's Blade
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"Here we will test your core Force abilities, feel free to use them however you like to complete the obstacle course, but be warned. This is rather dangerous." A voice crackled over the comm. links of two young Apprentices as they charged through the first doors, heading into the course.

There he stood, Master Matthew O'Kari, standing on a branch of a tree high up, overlooking the field. "Here come the droids," he said into his comm. link as small droids started running towards them, their short lightsabers swinging wildly at the miniature running droids.



27, the youngest Jedi Master in history, and the greatest saber duellist since Yoda himself. Born on Deralia, he was taken in by a Jedi Knight at the age of three, being raised and quickly rising in the ranks.



Master O'Kari quickly leapt from branch to branch carefully and gracefully. He spoke into his comm. link, "There is an item in here that you will find useful, use your Senses."



Ever since fighting in the Mandalorian wars as a Padawan, he was hardened, knowing well the scars and the ways of war, and also the losses and the wounds left in the Force.



"Good job Korl, you did good too Markus. Now, find a way out of the next room, you'll need vertical clearance for this," he spoke into his comm. link, leaping from the current branch to the next, watching over his two apprentices.



His Master held him back, didn't want him to become more powerful than he, but on one mission, his cockyness got the best of him, ultimately costing him his Master's death. He vowed never to let his emotions get the best of him again after being Exiled for a year, having to live in ditches and abandoned houses.



The area was lush with Trees and grass, bushes and sticks, broken down turrets and downed trunks. The sky was darkened by rain clouds, left over from the storm earlier that morning. He quickly leapt to the last tree and landed on a bench gracefully, throwing the jet-black robe of his off to the side as he sat down, crossing his left leg over his right, waiting.



He never really had any friends, even in the Academy growing up, he was an outcast. Always physical, being punished for starting fights. Truthfully, he only started a small number, the rest were started by the other party and eventually blamed on him.



His two Apprentices ran up to him, panting, each deactivating their training lightsabers. "Good.. good. Now that you've learned your core powers, it's getting late, so head back to the Academy, you need your rest."

As his apprentices left the area, he sighed. *This cannot be my life... training premature kids into saber-wielding mature teenagers..only to get killed later on?* He looked up as the rain started to come down, the droplets splashing on his face.

*This has to change..*
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JediMaster12
03-14-2006, 02:31 AM
Nice introduction. The italics portion is slightly confusing. Are they personal thought's? If so I suggest that you make an indication at least initially. It gives time for the reader to adjust. If it is a description, make it part of the paragraph. Something along the lines like, "At age 27, Mathew O'Kari was relatively the youngest Jedi master within the Jedi Order. His skill with a lightsaber blade..."
Just remember these are just suggestions. I'm still a friend. Even I get tips about my writing style. :D

Xbx_Inthusiast
03-14-2006, 04:11 PM
They are like a break in the story, like a narrator. That's just the first chapter, done at like 1:20 am my time, these boards are a different time.

JediMaster12
03-21-2006, 06:09 PM
I see. When will there be any more?

Xbx_Inthusiast
03-26-2006, 11:24 PM
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Chapter 2: A Mission Never to Forget
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"Master Yoklar, i've finished training my two apprentices with their core abilities, I wish to show them how to fly a Starfighter, for these are troubled times.." Master Yoklar agreed, but still insisted they get more power training afterwards; Matthew agreed.


Matthew had been a pilot for the Sith when he served under Revan in the Mandalorian wars, and a great one at that. He was always second in all his classes, bested only by one other person, Leyr Forbokar, a Sith pilot/ Soldier. Leyr was eventually killed on 'accident' during a training exercise.


Walking out to the guest quarters, he made his way to his apprentice's apartments. He first entered the first apprentice's quarters, his name was Hewie. "Hewie," he said, leaning on the door frame. "I want to show you how to fly a Starfighter," he said as his apprentice awoke with a jolt. "Alright..." Hewie said sleepily, grabbing his robes and slipping them on.

His other apprentice, Drake headed towards Matthew. "Starfighter eh? Might be fun," Drake said, walking with Matthew and Hewie towards the docking bay. "Even though it's early.."



Drake was 19, eager, and brash. Always wanting to best anyone else, but was and always will be worse than Hewie, who was 18, patient, and peaceful. It seems his two apprentices clashed personalities- not something to be desired, at any rate.


Matthew showed them to their Starfighter, to each their own. "Now, we'll take off into the air. Follow me and we'll be alright, make sure to turn on your comm. system.." He said, hopping into his fighter, his apprentices following suit.

"Alright, flip on the switch to your right.. the big red one.. " His eyes widened as lasers shot out and burnt a black scorch into the site of a wall. "The other big red one.." Matthew said, firing up his engines and teaching his apprentices how to start up their fighters.

"Easy now.." Matthew said, lifting into the air as his R-7 droid whirred and beeped. They shakily flew off into open space, his apprentices easily catching on. Drake, obviously, was showing off. "Easy now Drake.. Don't be too quick..." Within seconds, a 'YAHOOO!' was heard as Drake performed a backflip over Hewie's ship, a sigh of relief came out of Matthew's mouth as he flew gently forward.

A loud explosion shook his fighter and Hewie's as Drake's ship took a hit to the engines, a large missile, blowing apart the back end of his ship and catching fire to the front. A loud scream was heard as Drake's ship caught fire and plummeted toward Dantooine, then it exploded, sending shrapnel flying past him and Hewie's ship.

"OH MY GOD!" Hewie screamed, losing control of his fighter for a second. "DRAAKE!" Matthew yelled, turning around and flying towards the wreckage, only to find fragments of his ship. "Hewie! Two Sith interceptors coming your way! Head towards the planet!" He said into his comm. link, Hewie obeying and flying towards Dantooine.

Matthew spun around and flipped on his headset, chasing after the Interceptor flying at Hewie, releasing a hail of lasers, ripping the Interceptor to pieces, inevitably blowing it up. He spun around and fired at the other Interceptor, taking a hit to the left wing, but still stabilized. He heard another loud explosion, then static over the comm. link. "Hewie.. " He said quietly to himself, shaking his head a little, firing two missles towards the Interceptor, blowing it to pieces.

He hovered there in space, his head hung, sobbing a little. "This.. this was a bad idea.. I.. cost two young men their lives... just because..bec..." He fired back up his fighter and sped towards random space, typing in the coordinates for Coruscant, and lurching into Hyperspace, getting away from any transmissions made from Dantooine...

JediMaster12
03-27-2006, 02:20 AM
Looks good. Just remeber to slow down a bit. A story is not like a movie. Take the time to explain things. Go into detail if you have to. Imagine that all who are aupposed to read this are blind and someone is going to read it to them. Think of writing for the blind person. It works! :D

Xbx_Inthusiast
03-27-2006, 09:23 AM
Broken Galaxy is supposed to be fast paced and not supposed to explain much until much later on. The narrator takes the story to it's farthest point. Once again, I still don't know why I wait till late to post chapters..

machievelli
12-11-2008, 02:55 PM
read