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Admiral
12-11-2000, 12:27 AM
This thread is for jokes. Preferably not about each other. To start it off....

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"

They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!"

They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Mexican.

He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

and for all you englishmen....

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."



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"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb

Thrawn
12-11-2000, 12:38 AM
<A HREF="http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A43777-2000Dec8?language=printer">Looky Here!</A>

You must check this out for the ultimate holiday gifts!

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You were expecting a creative sig?
ThRaWn90,RAL_Thrawn,SOB_Thrawn
Rogue 6

JR2000Z
12-11-2000, 12:40 AM
Dave Berry is the best.I loved his article on Star Wars Ep1.

Rogue Nine
12-11-2000, 05:14 PM
*(Stands guard at the entrance to the thread, ready to beat Kinnison over the head with a baseball bat should he show his face.)*

Flying Beastie
12-11-2000, 06:20 PM
A good pun is its own reword.

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"I have two modes with people; bite and avoid." --Angel

Thrawn
12-11-2000, 09:00 PM
I never saw that. Anybody know where it's archived?

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You were expecting a creative sig?
ThRaWn90,RAL_Thrawn,SOB_Thrawn
Rogue 6

Admiral
12-11-2000, 09:08 PM
Medical scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men act like women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked loud and obsessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned


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"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb

JR2000Z
12-12-2000, 12:09 AM
I thought beer was good!

Admiral
12-12-2000, 01:08 AM
beer is good. this only tested the nonalcohlic beer.

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"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb

Flying Beastie
12-14-2000, 03:49 PM
I've seen beer make women behave like men.

Beer good! Buffy want beer!

<small>I think I've insulted my own gender enough for now.</small>

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Paranoia is good. At least you think they're paying attention to you.

Darth Sceltor
12-17-2000, 07:29 PM
Thanks for that link, Thrawn, now I know what to get everybody on the forums. So don't be surprised when the nice UPS man interrupts your Christmas meal with an odd-shaped package from "Darth Sceltor". http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

Commander 598
12-17-2000, 08:20 PM
Do it and i'll send it back to you in 437 pieces.I'm sending it back myself so I can shoot you.

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"Growing Older is Mandatory, Growing Up is Optional."

Thrawn
12-17-2000, 11:26 PM
Thanks Darth, I knew you'd be the one to send those nipple guards out to people http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/wink.gif

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"Noobies Suck"
ThRaWn90,RAL_Thrawn,SOB_Thrawn
Rogue 6

Zargon
12-18-2000, 05:29 PM
Can I have mine in Silver Metallic??

JR2000Z
12-18-2000, 06:24 PM
This was on Saturday Night Live:
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Barbara Walters- "Hello. May I speak to Sean Connery Please?"

Sean Connery- "This is Connery, state your purpose."

Barbara Walters- "Sean, You've been in so many terrific films. The Untouchables, Goldfinger and my personal favorite, Darbey O'Gill and the little people. But Sean, what would you do to me right now if we were naked?"

Sean Connery-"I'd do what I do to all women. I'd start with a sexy open handed slap. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait wait, who the hell is this?"

Barbara Walters- It's Barbara Walters. Respected journalist, daytime sensations and host of the highly rated nighttime news magazine 20/20. Talk dirty to me Mr. Bond. Let me be your Octo*****."

Sean Connery- "Good God, Good God women if I wanted to get it on with an old lady, I would have sex with my wife."

Barbara Walters- "Another Bust."

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Im sorry of this offended anyone.(But it is funny for me,

JR2000Z
12-18-2000, 06:26 PM
Octo..... was a move!Why was it filtered as a profanity?

Flying Beastie
12-18-2000, 08:21 PM
http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/rolleyes.gif

Naive, isn't he?

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Paranoia is good. At least you think they're paying attention to you.