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Dark Woman
04-12-2006, 04:44 PM
this is a chapter of a fanfic I am writing please givew your rating out of 5.

Sun rose over the grass plains as the people of the echani village woke and prepared for a busy day. Children began to get dressed and go to school but one child who was not an echani but a miraluka sat upon a stone at the top of a hill his legs crossed he sat there silently feeling the morning breeze and letting his body bathe in the calm sunlight.

“ A thought I would find you here.” Darlaa a 16-year-old girl she wore white robe like clothes and had silvery white hair that she wore down all the time.

The boy stood and turned around to look at his friend, Wedge was a miraluka he was blind like all his race and saw through the force although thirteen had not been trained in the force this was dangerous for because the force within him was untrained it was defenceless to dark side manipulation Wedge wore a travellers top and trousers and had a piece of cloth around his eyes.

“I was just meditating.” Wedge said blankly then stepped down from the stone he smiled at Darlaa then begun walking down the hill. He and Darlaa had practically grown up together and had always loved her in a way he could love no one else but he was only 14 and she hadn’t shown any signs of feeling the same well when he didn’t notice anyway.

12 years ago ‘The Grey’ a small freighter came out of hyperspace the pilot of the ship was Olaf a Miraluka who had been living on the ship with his wife and 2 year old child since the destruction of Katarr this was why Wedge was special he was born on the day of the death of his home planet his mother he had been conceived just as they escaped and the planet was destroyed. This is what created Wedge’s even stronger force connection. The ship slowly orbited the near by planet as Olaf prepared a descent but it was too late. Two sleek black fighter suddenly arrived out of nowhere and shot upon The Grey the ship exploded in a ball of fire as a escape pod quickly flew towards the planet the fighter turned on the pod shooting but something was stopping the blaster shots hitting the pod as it hurtled towards the ground it crashed into a hill becoming completely stuck in the hill side. A door slid open and a lifeless arm slowly let go of a small baby that slid down the side of the hill fast asleep lying in the grass. Wedge was that child 2 hours later he found by an echani couple and since then he had been one of them.

Wedge and Darlaa finally arrived at the village and entered the sparring arena many sparring mats lay on the floor and in several people were fighting some unarmed some using swords Wedge and Darlaa stepped on to one of these and pulled out swords. Darlaa belonged to her dead mother it was long and was shaped like a vibro blade but did not actually vibrate. Wedge pulled out his shorter silver echani blade, which he had been given on his 4th birthday this marked an ever-lasting friendship.

“ As your protector and mentor I am prepared to now teach you a higher form of combat you may use a melee weapon and basic garments like we are wearing now are allowed.” Darlaa shouted across the mats she slowly undid her robes and let it slip off as she always fought with out clothing underneath or she was wearing was her tight knickers and bra Wedge felt something stiffen although he did not relies Darlaa was smiling because she had realised this.

Darlaa had become Wedges protect when he was 12 she swore to stand by him and never let him come to harm and to always teach him this was echani oath nothing could break it.

Wedge jumped straight into combat emotionless as always not letting his emotions distract his abilities he struck his sword against her continuously trying to hit her but she defended just as emotionless and struck back twice as elegant twice as powerful became came to watch the two as people always did for Darlaa & Wedge were some of the most skilled. Wedge kicked at Darlaa who grabbed his leg and flipped him over but Wedge bent his legs just in time to have a soft landing he stood once again and tried to parry a onslaught of stabs and slashes from Darlaa until she finally hit him turning of his melee shielded and ending the battle she slipped her robes back on and put her sword away then gestured him to follow her and headed outside. People turned away disappointed that it was the end of the match but Wedge hadn’t lost to him self he did not given into his love for her and not battle as well as he could.

“That was a great spar” Darlaa said smiling at him it had just gone lunch time so the went to get some food. They then went walking for the rest of the day around the hills and not returning to the stone on top the hill until near sunset. There they sat upon the hill looking into each others eyes they new what would happen they final embraced and Wedge kissed her on her soft red lips she looked at him and kissed back then they fell back in the grass kissing each other as the sun set.

Char Ell
04-13-2006, 12:02 AM
2 out of 5 :)

Your story is difficult to read because of the many grammar and punctuation errors. The story also needs fleshing out. Transitions from one idea to the other are too abrupt and left me feeling confused. I had to go back and re-read several passages more than once so that I could make sense of what was happening.

I think you've got a good start on your story however it's still in a very rough state. But keep working on it because you'll only get better with practice.

01-01-2009, 12:43 PM

Rabish Bini
01-02-2009, 12:27 AM

1. It needs more detail, it doesn't seem detailed enough, explain the setting and characters and such, if only briefly
2. Like Char Ell said, grammar needs work, write in MS Word so the spellcheck checks it for you, than copy and paste into the forum :)
3. Again like Char Ell said, the transitions are too abrupt, explain in more detail once again, so the reader doesn't get confused, confusion is only good if it's part of a massive plot twist ;)
4. There wasn't enough dialogue, there needs to be more lines of dialogue
5. Everytime a new person talks, start a new line
6. There aren't any full stops or commas where needed

Work on those for your next chap :)

01-02-2009, 04:20 PM
I'll agree with Char Ell and Rabish, 2/5. Work on your grammar and punctuation, and such. I'm sure your next chap will be better!