View Full Version : [FIC]Birth of Darth Hansen Part 2: An Earned Empire

Darth Hansen
04-21-2006, 11:43 PM
As Darth Hansen set course for the Nar Shaddaa system, The girl approached him, "Master, Why are we going to Nar Shaddaa?" she said. "Because I feel a Jedi that will help us is there." Darth Hansen replied. "I do not wish to have Jedi walk with us." , "Your wish will be changed when we meet him." Darth Hansen said. "For this Jedi is not a Jedi, He is an exile, By the name of Andrew Lorne." ,
"We shall see Master." The girl replied. "Mamm, We have picked up the Aviator on our signal, We are waiting for orders." said Admiral Onasi. "Open fire on the Aviator, Admiral, His quest for Revan's Defeat ends now." replied Bastila. As the Aviator entered the system, Admiral Onasi and his small group of fighters open fired on the Aviator. "The Republic is attacking us, Get to the turret apprentice."
commanded Darth Hansen. Then in came a message from the small space fighters, "This is Elite Squadron, You have been commanded by Master Shan to be destroyed." Admiral Onasi said. Then something interrupted the signal, "We have been ordered to protect Lord Hansen, leave now or face death." replied a Sith voice. "Negative, Darth Hansen must be destroyed, We are prepared to kill you too." replied Admiral Onasi. "Harbinger! Attack!" commanded the Sith voice. Appearing from nowhere, the Harbinger and a fleet of Sith fighters swarmed the area. "The Sith have captured the capital ship,Harbinger and is attacking, Fall back and jump to Hyperspace!" yelled Admiral Onasi. The Sith fleet started to open fire destroying 2 of the 5 ships as they were escaping. The other 3 ships jumped to Hyperspace before the fleet could destroy them and Darth Hansen disliked this. "Lord Hansen, We are bringing you in to talk with our leader." said the Sith voice. "Master, this is Lord Hansen and his crew, We are awaiting your orders." , "Ah yes, Darth Hansen, Do you remember me?" replied the Leader. "You are Andrew Lorne, Most Wanted Exile of The Jedi Council." replied Darth Hansen. "Execellent, Now that we all have introduced ourselves I believe you shall call this the Aviator from now on." , "What do you mean?" asked Darth Hansen, "I mean that this is now your ship, Lord Hansen." replied Andrew as he bowed down to Darth Hansen. "Is the fleet mine too?" asked Darth Hansen, "With the exception of I as the Admiral." replied Andrew. "You shall be known as Admiral Lorne from now on." said Darth Hansen, "Affirmative." said Admiral Lorne. "Their is no place for I in this Empire." said the girl. "Yes their is Apprentice, If you tell me your name I shall entitle you to a rank." said Darth Hansen. "My name is Adriana Shan, Forgotten sister of the Bastila Shan." said the girl. "I knew when I sensed you, you could help me, from now on, you will be known as Queen Shan, Queen of the Sith Empire." said Darth Hansen. "One last thing " said Admiral Lorne, "What shall we call this Empire?" , "The Infinity Empire, Cause it never did die." replied Darth Hansen. "Now can we please land on Nar Shaddaa, I really need a cup of juma right about now." said Darth Hansen, "Alright, but don't wet yourself in front of any soldiers in our fleet if you get drunk." laughed Admiral Lorne. "I will try not to." replied Darth Hansen, "Now let's go."

Sith at Peace
04-22-2006, 02:11 AM
You kind of need to give a setting and explain what's going on a little better because it's kind of confusing.

Darth Hansen
04-22-2006, 01:50 PM

01-01-2009, 12:45 PM

Rabish Bini
01-02-2009, 12:22 AM
1. You need a setting, like SaP siad
2. Don't write in massive blocks, start a new line each time someone starts talking, and write in paragraphs. A massive block hurts the eyes.
3. Don't make a new thread for each new chapter

They're the 3 main things to work on, only the first one might give you some trouble :)