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Jason Skywalker
05-04-2006, 05:05 PM
Ok,this is my first fanfic,so bear with me.Actually i have some experience.Anyway,this is set a month after Jaden killed Tavion in Korriban.Jaden is the brown-haired,white guy.He has the first clothes(tan ones),black pants and a Sentine Hilt orange lightsaber.Rosh now has another yellow lightsaber,both Praetor hilts,i think that's the name,the one that comes before the Sentinel.

http://img73.imageshack.us/img73/2664/jkjh6pp.jpg

Star Wars
Jedi Knight: Jedi Heroes.

After Jaden Korr killed Tavion on Korriban, and imprisoned Ragnos forever, he went back to the Academy.

Everyone congratulated Jaden on the Academy, and Rosh was also made a Jedi Knight.

But little everyone knew, was that evil was lurking in the shadows by the name of Kayn.

Chapter I
New Beginnings, New Enemies.

Jaden woke up in his room. He put his tan Jedi clothes on, and picked up his lightsaber. He got out of his room and found Rosh. He then greeted him. Rosh replied with a friendly smile. Jaden wandered a little while in the halls of the Massassi Temple, until he found Kyle, Jan ,Han and Chewbacca working on the Millenium Falcon.

“Hi Kyle. Were are we going?” asked Jaden.

“We’re going to the old planet of Geonosis. There seems to be many activity there.” answered Kyle.

“Just five more minutes, and it will be ready to go.” said Jan.

Jaden then went to Master Skywalker’s chambers. There he found Luke.

“Hello Jaden. You have sensed it too haven’t you?” asked Luke.

“Yes. There is a new Dark Side energy.” answered Jaden.

“I have sensed that energy on Geonosis, and that’s why I’m sending you, Kyle, Jan and Rosh there. You shall go in the
Raven’s Claw. And Jaden, be careful with the darkside.” said Luke.

Jaden nodded, and got out. He went back the garage, and the Falcon was ready. Han told him to get in.C-3PO and R2 were also there.When they were all inside, Han fired up the engines, and they left Yavin. He set a course for Geonosis, and they jumped into Hyperspace.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile ,in Geonosis, a armoured person was walking. His face was covered by a hood, and he had a cape. It was Kayn. Suddenly, a Kel Dor with a lightsaber appears.

“Master, the Jedi is coming to Geonosis.” said the Kel Dor.

“Good Cyrus. You are dismissed” said Kayn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile in the Falcon, Jaden was talking to Rosh.

“Hi Rosh, how are you feeling?” asked Jaden.

“I’m okay Jaden, you worry too much. I got my arm cut off, but now i have a new one. No biggie.” Answered Rosh.

“Alright, but be careful.” Said Jaden.

Suddenly, Kyle came in and told them they had arrived in Geonosis.

Kyle, Han, Rosh and Jaden got out. The planet was practically deserted. Some ship wreck there and some droid wreck here, but nothing else.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Said Kyle and Han simultaneously.

They walked a little until they found two Reborns with a squadron of five Storm Troopers. Han shot two in the head, and Kyle fried the remaining with a bolt of Force Lightning. Rosh threw one of his lightsabers at one of the Reborns, and it cut his hand off. Rosh then ,with his lightsabers, slew the Reborn with a Medium Kata Attack. Meanwhile, the other Reborn and Jaden were duelling, until he started Force Gripping Jaden. Jaden then countered by throwing his lightsaber at the Reborn’s throat, cutting his head off. They then found a base, hidden in the rocky mountains. After entering it, they saw the welcoming party. 5 Reborns, ready to battle with double-bladed sabers.

Rate,hate,advice.Wish me luck!

jedi_exile
05-04-2006, 09:19 PM
well to be honest the just of the story was good, not great but good. it felt as if you really didnt want to write it, it was borring and had no feeling to it, but other then that it was good. if you would like to see some examples of work with felling just check out my fan fin http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164383
it should help you. hell leave a remark if youd like

Diego Varen
05-05-2006, 01:28 AM
I like the first Chapter. Kayn and Cyrus, good Sith names. Kyle and Han are both the funny guys and I would like to see how they interact. Your Jaden sounds similar to mine. Same head, same top and same colour and same Lightsaber. The only thing that is different is the legs.

I sort of feel I've inspired you to do this Fanfic. My Chapter 1 was called New Beginnings and the title is sort of similar. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Also don't change it now, but I think it would have been better if you posted this in the Coruscant Entertainment Center as more people go there (Including me).

Thinking about it, where is Chewbacca? You can't have Han without Chewbacca. Oh well.

I remember I was going to include Han and Chewie in Jedi Forces - Shadows Of War, but removed them, because I didn't think it was that good.

I've talked too much now. Anyway looking foward to more. Hopefully the Chapters are slightly longer. I also recommend you delete the other Thread by editing your first post and press delete.

Jason Skywalker
05-05-2006, 05:45 AM
Well,jedi exile,is my first Star Wars fic,it will get better.And this one was a bit rushed.Next one will be longer and hopefully better.

jedi_exile
05-05-2006, 12:43 PM
if i offended i didnt mean to, i was just trying to give some instructive critisizm. you said it was rushed, y? y didnt you just wait a little bit to post? well i reread it a couple times my mind has changed, i now like what youve done. defintly looking forward for more.

Jason Skywalker
05-05-2006, 03:30 PM
No hard feelings.

Diego Varen
05-05-2006, 03:32 PM
Jason, are you planning to write a Trilogy like me?

jedi_exile
05-05-2006, 03:33 PM
or are you just writing a novel like me?

Jason Skywalker
05-05-2006, 05:32 PM
I don't know.Never thought of that.Maybe.

jedi_exile
05-05-2006, 05:34 PM
i sugest making a novel and then see were you wanna go from there.

Jason Skywalker
05-05-2006, 05:59 PM
Good idea.Expect Chapter 2 after Sunday.

jedi_exile
05-05-2006, 06:00 PM
cant wait, but remember, take your time, make it good

Jason Skywalker
05-05-2006, 06:02 PM
Yeah,you should never rush a fic.Just like Obsidian shouldn't have rushed KOTOR 2.Atleast make a patch.

Diego Varen
05-05-2006, 06:14 PM
And like I rushed my first Fanfics on LF...

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 10:32 AM
Well,here are Rosh's,Jaden's and Kyle's profiles:

Name: Rosh Penin.
Gender: Male.
Age: Around 20's.
Affiliation: Jedi/Rebel Alliance.
Class: Jedi Knight.
Equipment: Jedi Robe,Yellow Lightsaber,DL-44 Blaster.
Homeworld: Coruscant i guess.
Force Powers: Core Powers,Heal,Absorb,Protect,Mind Trick,Lightning.
Master(s): Kyle Katarn.
Apprentice(s): None.

Name: Jaden Korr.
Gender: Male.
Age: Around 20's.
Affiliation: Jedi/Rebel Alliance.
Class: Jedi Knight.
Equipment: Jedi Robe,Orange Lightsaber,DL-44 Blaster.
Homeworld: Coruscant.
Force Powers: Core Powers,Heal,Absorb,Protect,Mind Trick,Lightning,Grip.
Master(s): Kyle Katarn.
Apprentice(s): None.

Name: Kyle Katarn.
Gender: Male.
Age: Probably around 30's.
Affiliation: Jedi/Rebel Alliance.
Class: Jedi Master.
Equipment: Clothes,Blue Lightsaber,Blaster Rifle.
Homeworld: Sulon.
Force Powers: All.
Master(s): None.
Apprentice(s): Jaden Korr and Rosh Penin.

jedi_exile
05-06-2006, 10:35 AM
oh that actually helps clear things up. and its cool that a jedi has two apprentices.

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 04:56 PM
Spoily Spoily!

Kyle will also have another apprentice.

Diego Varen
05-06-2006, 05:11 PM
Nice to know. To do Spoilers do a:

Kyle will also have another apprentice.

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 05:17 PM
Thanks.And try guess which race and gender is the apprentice.

Diego Varen
05-06-2006, 05:35 PM
A Male Kel Dor? Or a Female Twi'lek?

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 05:40 PM
None.Keep guessing.

Diego Varen
05-06-2006, 05:42 PM
Human Male? Human Female? Zabrak Male? Zabrak Female?

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 05:53 PM
Right!Human Female!And it will have an interesting plot.

Diego Varen
05-06-2006, 05:55 PM
Yes I got it right! Also this plot, will it be like:

A romantic Plot?

Jason Skywalker
05-06-2006, 05:59 PM
HOLY ****!Bah,that was too predictable.

jedi_exile
05-06-2006, 09:10 PM
holy crap another one? and romance? all in chapter two? cant wait

Jason Skywalker
05-07-2006, 03:44 PM
Not all in chapter 2.It will be along the fic.

jedi_exile
05-09-2006, 01:11 AM
ok its monday night.....WERE IS CHAPTER 2? im sorry, didnt mean to get excited.

Jason Skywalker
05-09-2006, 05:49 PM
Look,i'm sorry,but i've been very busy with school.

jedi_exile
05-09-2006, 08:55 PM
lol its cool

Jason Skywalker
05-12-2006, 11:34 AM
I am currently writing Chapter 2.I'll try to make it atleast 2 pages long.
Chapter 2 is almost done.

Jason Skywalker
05-26-2006, 06:56 AM
Here's Chapter 2.Longer and i think better.

Chapter II
The New Trade Federation

Jaden, Rosh and Kyle all turned on their lightsabers .Han quickly got his DL-44 Blaster Pistol, and started shooting, but the Reborns blocked with their staffsabers.

“Okay, you’re alone now guys.” Said Han, realizing he would only slow them down.

Rosh was the first to strike. He quickly speeded himself with the force, and swung both of his yellow lightsabers, but the Reborn parried, Force Pushed Rosh. Kyle engaged duel with another one, most of the time in saberlocks. He then found a weakness in the Reborn’s defense. He engaged in another saberlock, and swung at the Reborn’s leg. The Reborn screamed in pain, and then Kyle plunged his blue lightsaber in the Reborn, killing him. Jaden then fought against the Reborn that knocked out Rosh, because he was about to kill him. Jaden threw his lightsaber at the Reborn, cutting his hand, and then almost frying him with Force Lightning. There were three more left, and Rosh was knocked out. Suddenly, a grenade was thrown, and the Reborns died. It was Han.

“Thanks a lot Han.” Said Kyle.

They then healed Rosh with the Force, and woke up. Then, they continued their path. Walking through many hallways, they noticed every Reborn they found didn’t attack them. It seemed almost as if they were ordered to do it.


Meanwhile, Kayn and Cyrus were talking to some Geonosians. They were part of the New Trade Federation.

“So, if you join us, we will supply you with an army of Droids!” said one of the Geonosians.
“Hmm, interesting indeed. But what’s in it for you, Uriel?” asked Kayn.

Uriel started to feel nervous. He planned on using the Droids to kill the remaining Sith, and then dominate the Galaxy.

“I was thinking of a partnership, you kill the Jedi and I kill the important figures of planets like Corusant and Corellia.” Said Uriel, sweating of fear.
“You are scared.” pointed Cyrus. Uriel started to be more scared.
“It does not matter apprentice. I accept.” Said Kayn.

Kayn and Uriel shook hands as the other Geonosians and some Reborns clapped hands. But Cyrus still knew Uriel was up to something.


“This is strange. No Reborn is attacking us.” Pointed Rosh. It was very strange indeed.
“I have a bad feeling about this.” Said Kyle.

They continued walking, until they found a door. It was all dark.

“Sounds like a maze.” Said Jaden.

And unfortunately, it was. They spent some pretty long 20 minutes to locate the exit. After the left the maze, surprisingly, they were at the starting point. They went to the Millennium Falcon.

“So, what you got?” asked Jan.
“Unfortunately, nothing.” Answered Kyle.

Then, they all heard some noises. Blaster shots. And it were lots of them. They all went outside, and saw MILLIONS of Droids.

“Droids?” said Han, surprised “These type of droids don’t exist like 50 years ago!”
“Apparently they do now.” said Kyle.

R2 started beeping, and 3PO translated.

“We have already seen this type of droids. They were part of the Trade Federation.”
“Well, now they’re back.” Said Jan.


Meanwhile in the academy, someone knocked into Luke’s room.

“Come in.” he said. He looked at the person. “So it’s you. Welcome to the Jedi Academy. You will be assigned to Master Katarn when he comes back. And your name is?” asked Luke.
“Kyra. Kyra Zerp.” Said Kyra.
“Very well Kyra. While Kyle is gone, I’ll begin your training with the Force Powers.” Said Luke.


“I don’t trust him Master.” Said Cyrus.
“I don’t trust him either. But we’ll play along for now.” Said Kayn. ”Anyways, have the droids started to attack?” asked Kayn.
“Yes my Master.” answered Cyrus.
“Excellent.”


Jaden, Rosh, Kyle, Chewie and Han got outside. They started destroying droids, one by one, with all resources. Lightsabers, the Force, blasters, grenades, all. But It was just too much, there were many droids. So they re-grouped in the Falcon, and started shooting. Then, Uriel appeared on the monitor.

“Listen, it doesn’t matter how many droids you destroy, they will continue to be thousands.” Said Uriel.

Kyle then saw outside two Sith. It was Kayn and Cyrus.

“Let us out Han.” Said Kyle.

Han landed the ship, and Kyle, Jaden and Rosh got out.

“Droids, stop shooting.” Said Kayn. “I don’t think I’ve introduced myself, so let me. Darth Kayn, Sith Lord and future Ruler of the Galaxy and Destroyer of the Jedi.”

Kayn then ignited his lightsaber. It was redder than a laigrek’s eye, and his apprentice Cyrus ignited his saber. It was a double-bladed, similar to some advanced Reborns. Kyle ignited his Blue Lightsaber, Jaden his Orange and Rosh one of his Yellow’s.
Then, they started duelling. Jaden and Rosh took care of Cyrus while Kayn fighted Kyle.

“I underestimated you Katarn. Join the Dark Side, and get eternal power!” said Kayn.
“I will never join the Dark Side Kayn!”
“So be it.”

Kayn then plunged his lightsaber in Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle screamed in pain as Kayn shot a bolt of Lightning, making him unconscious. Jaden Force Pushed Cyrus, and grabbed Kyle. Jaden and Rosh fled to the Millenium Falcon. They fled Geonosis, and flew to the Academy on Yavin IV. Unfortunately, some Star Fighters appeared.

“Get to the turrets! You should be able to take care of them while I get this damn Falcon to fly onto Hyperspace!” said Han to Jaden and Rosh.

They rushed to two ladders, standing beside the other, and they climbed them. Jaden quickly got a target, and shot, destroying one of the 8 Star Fighters. Rosh charged and shot to a group of 3 Star Fighters, making them 4. Jaden then shot a missile, destroying the remaining. They climbed down the ladders and went to Han.

“Lady and Gentlemen, buckle your seatbelts, next stop: Yavin IV.” Said Han.

They jumped into Hyperspace, and Han routed to Yavin IV.

After they landed, Jaden and Rosh quickly put Kyle in the Medical Room. A medical droid took care of him, and Jan was beside him, holding his hand. She then gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.

Meanwhile, Jaden and Rosh were hanging out with some other students, when 3PO and R2 came to the Living Halls.

“Beep Beep Woooo!” said R2. 3PO translated.
“He says Master Katarn is better.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Said Jaden.
“And Master Skywalker wants to talk to you.” Said 3PO.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” said Rosh.

They walked a bit until they reached Luke’s chambers, so they decided to talk a little bit.

“What do you think Master Skywalker wants?” said Rosh.
“Probably just a report of the situation since Jan is with Kyle and Han is with Chewie giving the ship a little fixing.” Answered Jaden.

When they arrived, Luke turned around.
“Welcome. How was it?” asked Luke.
“Apparently the Trade Federation has returned with a battalion of Droids.” Said Jaden.
“There’s a new Sith Lord. He’s the reason Kyle’s in the Medical Room.” Said Rosh.
“Hmm, troubling. Anyways, I’d like to present to you our newest student, Kyra Zerp.” Said Luke.

And there she was. She had blonde hair, and some Jedi Clothes. Jaden and Rosh blushed a little while, and a bit later Jaden said:

“Hello. I’m Jaden and this is Rosh. We welcome you to the Academy.” Said he.

“Thanks. And I’ve heard you are quite popular.” Said Kyra.

“Well, I fell to the Dark Side but got back and he killed Tavion and imprisoned Ragnos forever. Now you do the maths.” Said Rosh.

“Haham.” Said Luke. - “Meanwhile, you don’t you get some rest. And May the Force be With You.”

Kyra, Jaden and Rosh got out and into their rooms to rest a little.


Stay tuned for Chapter III-Games of Mistrust.

What do you think?

Diego Varen
05-26-2006, 12:26 PM
Good, I was wondering when you would update, however some characters like Chewie, Jan and 3P0 and R2 came in out of nowhere. How did that happen? You must explain where they came from. Have I inspired you? Because it says about staying tuned for Chapter 3, etc. Can't wait to see the next bit.

Jason Skywalker
05-26-2006, 12:31 PM
They were all in the Falcon,i think i showed it on Chapter I.

Niner_777
05-27-2006, 06:22 PM
I just finished reading it. I thought that it was good. Keep it up. :D

Jason Skywalker
05-27-2006, 06:30 PM
Thanks.I'll seee if i can get Chapter III tomorrow since it's gonna be a short one.Also,here stays Kyra's profile.

Name: Kyra Zerp.
Gender: Female.
Age: Around 20's.
Affiliation: Jedi/Rebel Alliance.
Class: Jedi Knight.
Equipment: Jedi Robe,Violet Staffsaber.
Homeworld: Talravin.
Force Powers: Core Powers,Heal,Absorb,Protect,Mind Trick,Lightning.
Master(s): Kyle Katarn.
Apprentice(s):None.

Jason Skywalker
05-29-2006, 06:35 PM
Here's Chapter III.

Chapter III
Games of Mistrust-Part I

Jaden was in a temple, maybe a Sith Tomb. He had a red lightsaber, and he had a black robe. He was seeing Tavion dead, and retrieved the sceptre she had. Kyle then appeared.

“Jaden, so you defeated Tavion. But now I must stop you.” He said. Kyle ignited his lightsaber and so did Jaden. They had an intense fight until Jaden made many rocks fall onto Kyle. Dead at last, thought he. Jaden then woke up. It was all a dream. But would that happen if I had killed Rosh? He thought. Jaden got out of his bed, and put his clothes on. He grabbed his lightsaber and got out. It was a beautiful day outside the temple. He then spotted Rosh.

“Hi Rosh, what are you doing?” he asked.
“Hi Jaden. I’m looking for Kyra.” Rosh replied.
“Why is that?”
“She asked me to follow her, but i lost track of her.”

Meanwhile deeper in the Jungle, Kyra was looking at some trees until she heard something. It were mercenaries. She hid behind a tree and heard.

“So, what does the Boss want us to do?” asked a mercenary.
“He wants us to capture one or two Jedis. Probably Luke Skywalker.” Answered the other. At this time, Kyra knew she had to tell Master Skywalker about this.

Jaden and Rosh screamed for Kyra. Unfortunately, the mercenaries heard them and started running towards them, but Kyra was following them. The mercenaries quickly pointed their blaster rifles onto Jaden and Rosh.

“Hands up Jedi Scum!” said one mercenary. Jaden and Rosh put their hands up.
“Now come over and none of your Jedi Tricks or you will be dead in a second!” said the other with a rage. They started walking, but then Kyra threw her staffsaber to a tree.

“What the hell was that?!” asked one mercenary , surprised.
“Jaden, Rosh, now!” screamed Kyra. Jaden and Rosh got their lightsabers out and leapt towards the mercenaries. Jaden cut their blasters and Rosh their hands. The mercenaries screamed in pain and Kyra asked:

“What were you talking about earlier?” asked Kyra.
“What the hell are you talking about!?” asked one of the mercenaries.
“Your conversation about capturing a Jedi. I overheard it, so what was the destination!?” asked Kyra once again.
“Nar Shadda!” yelled one of them.

Then he fainted. They knew they had to tell Luke about this. They also took the other mercenary for explanation.

After they arrived, Kyle was better, but wasn’t ready to get out.

“Master Skywalker, we found two mercenaries on the jungle.” Said Rosh.
“What about the other?” asked Luke.
“He collapsed in the jungle.” Said Jaden.
“Apparently they were were to capture some Jedi and then bring them to Nar Shadda.” Said Kyra.
“Hmm, Nar Shadda. Students, it seems we have a bounty on our heads. You should go to Nar Shadda to settle this bounty. Take the Raven’s Claw and land in the Refugee Sector. Then, wait for Han and Chewie, they shall be helpful on this mission.”

Hate,rate and advice!

Diego Varen
05-31-2006, 09:27 AM
Slighty short, like you said. How many parts will there be? Two? Good Chapter. If you were trying to do Jaden Dark Side script, it was wrong.

Jason Skywalker
05-31-2006, 12:51 PM
Well,i never played the DS ending,so i just improvised.What's the wrong part?

Diego Varen
05-31-2006, 01:07 PM
It should be:

Kyle: Jaden stop!

Jaden: Don't get in my way Kyle!

Kyle: Jaden I know you're angry, but it's not to late to renounce the dark side. Fight it. Rosh resisted it, you can too.

Jaden: Rosh was weak! He was too afraid to grasp the true power of the dark side.

Kyle: I can't let you do this Jaden.

Jaden: Then stop me, Master!

Jason Skywalker
05-31-2006, 01:22 PM
Oh well,now it's done.

anakin34
05-31-2006, 05:56 PM
Well,jedi exile,is my first Star Wars fic,it will get better.And this one was a bit rushed.Next one will be longer and hopefully better.
i liked it alot its my first time also can you read mine its called master naskin

Jason Skywalker
05-31-2006, 06:10 PM
Sure,you read mine i read yours.And check out my RPG,it's in my sig.

Niner_777
05-31-2006, 07:34 PM
I actually had time to read this. :D Well done, I'm not that good with comments, but good.

Jason Skywalker
06-01-2006, 04:59 AM
Thanks for the comments.I'll see when i can get Chapter IV up.

HK-42
06-05-2006, 12:51 PM
That was SWEET when is chapter 4.

I'm new to this and I've already found a lot of fanfics after jedi academy but this is the first light side one.

*Snip*

connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH

Diego Varen
06-05-2006, 12:57 PM
Don't double post. Use the edit post button in the bottom right hand corner. I also wrote a Light Side Fic after Jedi Academy. It is called Jedi Forces - Shadows of War.

My main Dark Side one is called The Sith Lord.

Also welcome to the Forums.

HK-42
06-05-2006, 01:12 PM
Thanks for the tip.I've seen The Sith Lord but I haven't finished reading it.But I haven't seen JF-SOW. There are to many sith names for jaden Darth Malus,Darth Qollous ect.

*Snip*

connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH

Diego Varen
06-05-2006, 01:15 PM
You should read it quick, before I decide to delete it. I shall also delete it's unfinished Sequel, Vengeance of the Empire.

HK-42
06-05-2006, 02:15 PM
I finished reading the sith lord I think you should finish the sequel.Anyway when is chapter 4? What is descedant of the exile about?

p.s vengeance of the empire sounds cool.

*Snip*

connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH

Jason Skywalker
06-05-2006, 06:38 PM
Thanks for the replies Connor.I've been very busy,so it's really hard to finish Chapter 4.I'll see what i can dig on weekend though.

HK-42
06-05-2006, 07:03 PM
good luck
long live star wars!!!!
*Snip*

connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH

Master Jimmy
06-05-2006, 07:59 PM
I just read your chapters, they're good

bballforlife
06-07-2006, 05:57 PM
Just finished reading it. It's pretty good, I like it. Keep going!

HK-42
06-08-2006, 09:50 AM
There is tons you will like but little you will read

Niner_777
06-10-2006, 11:30 AM
Thanks for the replies Connor.I've been very busy,so it's really hard to finish Chapter 4.I'll see what i can dig on weekend though.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but don't rush it. I can totally relate to being busy. You don't always have time to write. That's fine. I managed whip out a new chapter yesterday. I've started another chapter today. (Most of my finals are done with :D) Anyways, great job so far.

Jason Skywalker
06-10-2006, 01:01 PM
Thanks Niner,i'll check it out.Well,i don't have any more exams,i think i can get the chapter ready on my last week of school (19th-23rd) because it's mainly activities.

Niner_777
06-10-2006, 02:15 PM
Those weeks are always fun.

Diego Varen
06-10-2006, 03:26 PM
I know. My activities week is on my last week.

Jason Skywalker
06-10-2006, 04:36 PM
Niner,it's fun because some teachers skip the classes to take us to the activities. :)

Niner_777
06-10-2006, 08:02 PM
I'll probably be watching movies and having study halls on my last week. Too bad its only two days. Oh, and I'll be studying for my regents tests, too.

HK-42
06-11-2006, 07:14 PM
chap 4, i can't wait but don't rush

jedi_exile
06-14-2006, 11:09 AM
like ive said before, good job. hey remember to check out my fanfic too

Jason Skywalker
06-19-2006, 12:57 PM
Thanks for the comments,Chapter 4 probly coming this week.Final week!Also,check out front page for a image.Many thanks to Sabretooth.

Diego Varen
06-20-2006, 01:41 AM
It seems everyone is stealing my front Pic idea! Well acutally, I got the idea from Alkonium's Fics. Can't wait for Chapter 4. Please be a good one.

Niner_777
06-20-2006, 09:11 AM
The title pic is just a fun thing to have. I hope that Sabretooth enjoys making them. I am waiting with impatience for chapter four. :)

Jason Skywalker
06-21-2006, 05:39 AM
I think i can get it today.If not then Friday.

Niner_777
06-21-2006, 09:52 AM
Don't worry, I'm finding it even more difficult to work on mine, even though I'm on break. During the school year, I had a schedule; I worked on it a little each day. In the summer, I've been going on all day trips, and I haven't been able to find much time.

Jason Skywalker
06-21-2006, 10:46 AM
Well,it's going good.

Sabretooth
06-22-2006, 03:48 AM
The title pic is just a fun thing to have. I hope that Sabretooth enjoys making them.

As much as I love writing ;) ! I don't see the title pic for this one, though. It's probably my Norton blocking it. How ironic, the creator can't see his creation...

This is a very good fanfic and I'm checking this out regularly. Can't wait for the next chapter...

Jason Skywalker
06-22-2006, 04:23 AM
Cool,now Sabretoothe reads my fic.I just hope i get more viewers.Also Pottsie,the English-Latin translator is very cool,comes up with some good Sith names.

Diego Varen
06-22-2006, 11:18 AM
Thanks very much Jason. If I find anything else useful, I'll put them in my Fanfics.

Jason Skywalker
06-23-2006, 11:52 AM
Chapter IV right away!

Chapter IV
Games of Mistrust-Part II

Jaden and Rosh prepared the ship, giving it a extra seat for them to fit in while Kyra talked a bit about the Dark Side with Luke: how to evade it, how to get away from it and how to fight it. Rosh then interrupted.

“Kyra, the ship’s ready, we should go.” Said Rosh.
“Alright, thanks Rosh. Bye Master Skywalker.” Said Kyra.

She waved her hand at Luke and ran with Rosh to the ship. They saw Jaden finishing something on the engine.

“Well, the Raven’s ready to go.” Said Jaden. “Also, there is one seat at the front, the other two are behind and can turn around for the turrets.”
“We should get going.” Remarked Kyra.

A droid set up some stairs and they climbed them. Jaden sat in the front seat and Kyra and Rosh in the backseats. He set the coordinates to Nar Shadda and blasted off.


Meanwhile on a space ship, Kayn watched onto Nar Shadda.

“My Lord, the Jedi’s are on their way to Nar Shadda.” Said one of Kayn’s officers.
“Send starfighters Officer Skyrider. Also, tell Darth Tenebrae to go to our base on Nar Shadda. He should straighten those kids up.” Said Kayn.

Officer Skyrider got on some sort of mic and ordered many star fighters to look for the Raven’s Claw while Tenebrae went to Nar Shadda.


“What the? Rosh, Kyra, turrets, hurry!” said Jaden.

They both got their fingers on the triggers and started shooting. Many star fighters appeared and they were skilled shooters. Jaden evaded many shots but they weren’t enough for them. They needed a trap. Rosh prepared some sort of missile and shot it. It destroyed 5 star fighters. They went all at the Raven’s Claw but Jaden simply went up and they all crashed and burned, destroying each other.

“Well, we got out alive, that’s good to know. Now we should continue our trip to Nar Shadda.” Said Rosh.

When they got there, the welcoming party was Han and Chewie.

“Finally, you made it. I was starting to think you wouldn’t do it.” Said Han.

They walked off a little to the docks. They saw a TIE Fighter landing.

“Quick, hide!” said Jaden. They hided behind some boxes and saw a Sith coming out. His face was red and black, he had a cape and looked very shady. He asked the Dock Master if a ship known as the Raven’s Claw had landed but he didn’t knew. The Sith then walked off to the Jekk Jekk Tarr, a cantina which toxic fumes could kill a human.
They continued their “trip” to settle the Bounty and found that a Hutt named Gordon was near there.

“So all we need to do is get in there and talk to him?” asked Kyra.
“Unfortunately not. We need to seek a servant of his.” Said Han.

They walked off to the cantina where they found a Twi’lek. Fortunately he worked for Gordon.
“Hey you there!” shouted Han.
“Well well, if it isn’t Han Solo. What do you want?” asked the Twi’lek.
“We want to settle a Bounty with Gordon.”
“Oh, that. Well, you see, Master has certain “tastes”.”
“What do you mean?” asked Kyra.
“Oh, a girl. She’ll do nicely.”
“What does he mean?” asked Rosh.
“Well, kid, to settle the bounty you’ll have to…dance for Gordon. And to make matters worse, you have to wear a certain suit.” Said Han.

The Twi’lek showed them the suit. Kyra didn’t like it but she knew it was the only way to settle the bounty.

“Alright, I’ll do it.” Said Kyra as she put the dress on.

The Twi’lek then brought them to Gordon’s place. Kyra started dancing but eventually Gordon fell asleep as the Twi’lek ran off. Kyra put her normal clothes on and ignited her lightsaber.

“Wake up!” she shouted. Gordon immediately woke up.
“Ha, wah, oh, wait, what do you want?” said Gordon noticing she had her lightsaber ignited.
“I want you to stop the bounty we have on our heads!” she shouted once again.
Gordon looked right and left and then pressed a button. The Sith they saw came out.

“Tenebrae, deal with them!” said Gordon.

Tenebrae ignited his dual red lightsabers while Jaden and Rosh ignited theirs. The battle lasted about ten minutes with red, violet, orange and yellow sparks flying. Eventually Tenebrae knocked down both Jaden and Rosh and Kyra into Gordon. He was about to stab her when she flipped and rolled on his shoulders and he stabbed Gordon, killing him. Tenebrae then turned around only to be decapitated by Kyra’s spinning lightsaber throw. Finally it was done, there was no longer a bounty on their heads and Darth Tenebrae was dead.

“That’s for making me wear that dress!” said Kyra with a angry look. Jaden and Rosh calmed her down and to relax a little, they went to the Cantina and played a little Pazaak and then finally went to the Raven’s Claw to go back to Yavin IV.


“Master, Darth Tenebrae is dead.” Said Cyrus.
“It does not matter Cyrus, he was weak anyway. Let’s see how this meddling kids get out of my next idea.” Said Kayn as he laughed a evil laugh.

Rate, hate, advice!

Diego Varen
06-23-2006, 01:27 PM
Good Chapter. Took a while though... :lol:. Looking foward to next Chapter.

HK-42
06-23-2006, 02:02 PM
cool

connor, I agree with Jason Skywalker's statement below, no more one or two word posts ok? Remember our penalties for spamming. -RH

Jason Skywalker
06-23-2006, 05:17 PM
Thanks for the comments. Also, remember, rate, hate, advice!

Connor: try to post more than cool, it's kinda spammy.

Niner_777
06-25-2006, 05:26 PM
Good chapter. I had to refresh on what happened earlier, lol. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have to too for mine by the time I get the next chapter out. :D Good work.

Jason Skywalker
06-27-2006, 12:10 PM
Thanks for the comment Niner. Also, Chapter V's coming soon. I plan on doing 20 chapters.

Also, remember to rate, hate and leave advices!

Jason Skywalker
07-13-2006, 11:12 AM
I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation.

Peace out.

Diego Varen
07-13-2006, 01:14 PM
I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation.

Peace out.

I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc.

HK-42
07-13-2006, 10:29 PM
I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc.
i hopefully agree just because sadley kotor i think(no ofence to anyone i hope) has WAY to many fics

Jason Skywalker
07-14-2006, 12:36 PM
Connor, with JA you can't do many things so that's why there are so many KOTORs.

Well, i've decided to take Pottsie's advice and do only 6 more chapters instead of 16.

HK-42
07-14-2006, 05:26 PM
good point, and also yeh i like this fic

Niner_777
07-15-2006, 01:04 PM
Do whatever you feel like, Jason. It's hard to write if you're not really "feeling" the story, lol.

Jason Skywalker
07-21-2006, 11:09 AM
Chapter V on it's way!

Chapter V
Getting Comfortable

As the Raven’s Claw landed on Dantooine, the students found themselves on the receiving end of familiar faces: their Master Kyle Katarn and his life-companion Jan Ors.

“ Master Kyle, you’re alright!” shouted Kyra in happiness.

Kyle smiled and said:

“Thanks Kyra. Also, just call me Kyle, titles make my…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by Jan.

“Titles make your skin crawl, everybody knows about that Kyle.” Joked Jan.

“But this is no time for jokes.” Said a voice. Everybody looked behind to see the most powerful Jedi there ever was, Master Luke Skywalker. “ There is something serious happening.”

“Well, what is it Master?” asked Rosh.

“There seems to be a war that involves the rebuilt planet of Taris. Unfortunately I don’t know much so you’ll just have to go there and discover. But I do know something: the New Trade Federation is involved.” Said Luke to everyone’s shock. “Kyle, you and Jan take Rosh to Taris and find out more.”

“Alright Luke.” Said Kyle.

“Jaden, you accompany Kyra to the Space Colony and do the same.” Said Luke as Jaden nodded. “Also, there is a New Republic Cruiser waiting to pick you up and drop you on Taris.

They walked to the Hangar and all got inside the New Republic Cruiser and took off as Luke looked at them with a worried look.

***

Meanwhile on a place unknown, Uriel Tim'Sep, leader of the Trade Federation discussed something with his partners.

“You are crazy Uriel. Do you know what this will cause!?” shouted a Neimoidian. Uriel, a Neimodian himself answered.

“Do not worry, I have thought of the repercussions. I just hope it goes all smoothly. In the meanwhile, let’s just focus on the building of “The Silencer” ”said Uriel as he pressed a button and the screen behind showed a incomplete, planet-size like spaceship.

***


As the New Republic Cruiser approached the Taris Spaceport, Kyra’s preoccupation started to become bigger and bigger. Jaden noticed it and started a little talk.

“What’s the matter Kyra?” asked Jaden.

“Ah, it’s nothing.” Lied Kyra.

“Come on, you can tell me.” Said Jaden with a smile on his face.

“Well…it’s just that I only became a Jedi now and I’m already in a battle against a Great Sith Lord.” She said.

“Well, it gets off. When you notice you’re important, it will come off. I also had that feeling when I first joined the Jedi Academy. In the end, I killed a Sith Lord.” He said.

“Thanks for the relief Jaden.” Said Kyra. She got up from her chair and so did Jaden. Their faces got close as their lips locked in a passionate kiss until Kyle came in and broke it up.

“Uh, did I interrupt something?” he asked.

“No, nothing.” Said Kyra as she cleaned her lips with her finger.

“Well, I just wanted to say that we arrived. Luke instructed me to say to you to grab a fighter from the Cruiser and fly to the Space Colony.” Said Kyle

Jaden and Kyra nodded and got out of the Cruiser with Kyle, Jan and Rosh. As they went to grab the fighter, Rosh noticed they were too friendly.

Jaden and Kyra got inside a two-pilot X-Wing and and flew off. As they were almost getting there, they had another little conversation.

“Jaden?” she asked.

“What is it?” he said

“I’m sorry for kissing you.” she said with an embarrassed look on her face.

“I’m not.” He said without looking at her. She got a little confused but then she just co-piloted.

They could see the Space Colony, it was truly big, and they hoped to find out why. As they landed, some of the habitants surrounded the ship. Looks like we’ve got trouble, thought Kyra.

Some of the habitants that looked like guards took out blaster rifles and the captain shouted:

“Come on out with your hands up!”

Jaden got out first while Kyra hid and got out by behind, where no one could see her.
He put his hands up and a guard spoke to him.

“What are you doing here, low-life scum? You don’t belong here!!” he said.

Jaden simply smiled and immediately kicked the guard’s gun, making him shoot himself on the chin, laying dead. He then ignited his lightsaber and so did Kyra that just appeared but then someone hit from behind with a stungun. They then blacked out.

Kyra was the first to wake up. She looked around but what got her the most was a Neiomoidian. Jaden then woke up.

“Who are you?!” she shouted. The Neimoidian smiled.

“I am Uriel Tim’Sep, but you can call me either Milord or Emperor.” He said with a big grin in his face.” I am the leader of the New Trade Federation, and I have a partnership with the Sith…but not for long.” He then laughed.

“But why did you call yourselve Emperor?” Jaden asked. “ I mean, if you actually win this war, he would be the Emperor.”

“That’s where your mistaken young lad. You will see soon. Throw them into the dungeons!” he then shouted as the Super Battle Droids roughly threw Jaden and Kyra into the dungeons.

“Well, might as well get comfortable.”
***


Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. :xp:

Diego Varen
07-21-2006, 12:29 PM
Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. :xp:

Damn right it does! :lol: I didn't steal of anyone (not that I know of) and the Chapter was a good one. Liked the romance too.

Jason Skywalker
07-21-2006, 03:27 PM
Thanks. I'll work on the next chapter either now or tomorrow.

Niner_777
07-22-2006, 09:23 AM
Good chapter, I'm glad that you've decided to continue this. Maybe a little time off was a good thing, though.

Jason Skywalker
07-23-2006, 08:26 AM
Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.

Diego Varen
07-23-2006, 09:45 AM
Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.

I know I do. It sounds stupid and every time I saw it, I hated it. It's your choice though.

RC-1162
07-23-2006, 11:42 AM
okay, i just read the first chapter and not the rest, so i don't know if these thing have been brought up, but i'll just give you my views on that. please dont think i'm being too harsh.
your concept is very good and i'd like to see how the plot thinkens or thins, but several grammatical mistakes takes the fun out of reading. i'll deal with a few things according to the order they are apprearing in the chapter.

“I have sensed that energy on Geonosis, and that’s why I’m sending you, Kyle, Jan and Rosh there. You shall go in the
Raven’s Claw. And Jaden, be careful with the darkside.” said Luke.

Jaden nodded, and got out. He went back the garage, and the Falcon was ready. Han told him to get in.C-3PO and R2 were also there.When they were all inside, Han fired up the engines, and they left Yavin. He set a course for Geonosis, and they jumped into Hyperspace.

i distinctly see luke saying "go in the raven's claw", but it says that they were travelling in the Falcon right after that. is Jaden one of the disobedient types?
and Luke's advice is kinda wrongly worded. it should be "Be wary of the darkside" IMO

His face was covered by a hood, and he had a cape. It was Kayn. Suddenly, a Kel Dor with a lightsaber appears.

i'm not sure if you wrote this intentionally or not, but the tense changes totally when you write "appears". i am sure it should be "appeared"

they had arrived in Geonosis

grammar lesson: it is on Geonosis, not "in". In would imply that they went underground directly from orbit ;)

other than these in the first chapter, it was pretty good, just watch out for the occasional full stop and comma, they can help a lot.
as a final note, id like to ask you to add a little more description to battle sequences. they make the fic more enjoyable. and the Empires troops are spelt "Stormtroopers", not "Storm Troopers" ;)
other than this, i'll keep reading and posting feedback. please dont think i'm a partypooper or something (like ChAiNz and Jae are :D) i hope this helps when youre writing future chapters. good luck! :)

Jason Skywalker
07-23-2006, 12:04 PM
1. That was when i decided for Han and Chewie to have some brief appearances on the fic, and i forgot about that.

2. I always get that wrong, lol.

Thanks for the advices, and no, i don't think you're a party pooper. I think you're more like a fic pooper! :xp:

RC-1162
07-23-2006, 12:19 PM
:ah, but i'm a civilised ficpooper :D. besides, i have HK at my side. would you care to repeat that statement, meatbag? :xp:
j/k.
i'll read more and post feedback as i progess through your fic.

yoba
07-24-2006, 02:20 PM
It's great Jason! I like it.. lol although switching in bitween fanfics (reading wise...) gets confusing! out of the fanfics ive read so far, this is one of the better, i started to read one without grammer or punctuation or anything, couldnt read it and didn't know what was happening. But yours is good, not Perfect, but it's good if there is room to improve!


Advice leads to hatred which leads people to rate!! lol

Rating: 8/10, could use improvement but still great!

Jason Skywalker
07-25-2006, 06:02 AM
Thanks. Why are you writing in red though? I already thought RH edited something. :D

Jason Skywalker
07-27-2006, 06:44 PM
Expect Chapter 6 tomorrow, i'll be checking it for typos and such, and then "Make it Pretty".

Jason Skywalker
07-28-2006, 11:58 AM
Chapter VI
The Decaying Taris

Rosh, Kyle and Jan got out of the Cruiser. The looked at the once glorious Taris. Luke said it was being rebuilt but to them it looked like there was a disease spreading and people where evacuating. They walked a little until they saw three drunken beggars with guns.

“Your money or your life!” shouted the one standing in the center.

Rosh, looking relaxed, walked up to them.

“Hey friends, no need to point those guns. How about we don’t give us our money, but instead use it for a few drinks?” he said relaxed, waving his hand.

The beggars all looked to each other and nodded but then one of them said:

“No, no more drinks, we’re full!” he said as they ran away.

Kyle walked to Rosh and tapped his shoulder.

“Well done Rosh. And you did it with your cybernetic arm, very good indeed.”

“Ah, it was nothing.” He said. “Although, a compliment’s a compliment.”

“Ya’know kid, you’re better when you’re modest.” Jan joked. They all laughed a little and walked off. Their destination was the Taris Army HQ. While on the road, they saw many once beggars living with always rich people, until someone with a cloak and a hood talked to them.

“You’ve done wrong to come to Taris strangers. You should leave.” The mysterious person said.

“And why should we do that?!” Jan asked.

The mysterious person sighed and then told them a story.

“My name is Rufio. I was once a beggar, like many people here were. Taris was rebuilt and had is beauty restored. Until someone came up with the idea of the poor people living with the rich. As expected, many didn’t like it.”

“Wealthy, rich bastards.” Jan swore.

“I agree young lady. But let me continue. Now as I was saying, most of the people agreed, but the most powerful and rich Tarisian families that practically sustended Taris, left and built the colony. Since then, Taris has been decaying.”

“That’s really sad. That’s why we are here, to prevent Taris from decaying even more. I just have one question.” Kyle said. “What’s the way to the Tarisian Army Headquarters?”

“Hmm, i don’t recall quite well, you should go to Javiar’s Cantina. There’s a blue Twi’lek girl that will surely get you there.” Rufio said. “Her name is Rose.”

***

They then headed to the Lower City parts. When they finally found Javiar’s Cantina, they immediately saw Rose. Rosh talked to her.

“Hello there.” He said.

“Hello to you two. My name’s Rose. I’ve never seen you here, and I pretty much know everyone in Taris so you’re outsiders. So that makes me your welcoming committee.” She said.

“Thanks Rose. We would like to know where is the Army Headquarters.” Rosh said.

“Well, come with me.” She said, holding her blaster. Her shirt covered basically her waist. Rose was relieved they didn’t see it.

***
“Well, this is it. The Taris Army HQ. I’ll go with you. I am in need of a journey.” Rose said.

“Thanks but no thanks Aurora, you’ve done much already and we don’t want you to get hurt.” Said Kyle. “Although, I ain’t gonna stop you.”

Rose smiled as they entered the HQ.

***

Jaden sighed. They took their lightsabers and their hands and legs where tied. He then thought of something. Since the guard was sleeping, he tried to use The Force to get the keys but he had a hard time since his hands where tied. He then uses the key to open the gate. Kyra sneaked on the Tarisian guard and got their lightsabers. They ignited them and carefully cut the ropes that tied them.

Time to get out of here and tell Kyle, Kyra thought.

***

Fortunately, the HQ was in pretty shape. They wandered a bit until they found the Army Leader, General Ulgo.

“Sir General, we want to…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by the alarm. The Colony Droids were invading Taris! They quickly ran outside to see atleast five droid ships. They looked at the sky and realized it was a full scale invasion! Kyle and Rosh ignited their lightsabers and Jan and Rose got their blasters up.

“Okay Rosh, me and Jan take on the 200 hundred on the left, you and Rose take on the 100 on the right.” He said, running to the droids.

***

Many blaster bolts flew to Jaden and Kyra but although it was very difficult, they deflected every single one of them. Kyra jumped, twisted her lightsaber and stabbed it on the ground, creating a shockwave of Force, sending away many blaster-wielders. Jaden took care of the guards with vidroblades. Unfortunately for him, vidroblades had cortosis weaves and so he couldn’t cut them. Three guards came running at him but he grabbed hold of one and Force pushed him into to the building. He jumped just in time to avoid their swings and threw his lightsaber to one, piercing his head. He flipped and grabbed his lightsaber with the force, and stabbed the last one right in the abdomen, leaving him to die. But then showed up the Guard Captain, surprisingly with a double-bladed red lightsaber. Kyra holstered one half of her double-bladed lightsaber and she and Jaden took on him.

They all duelled for many minutes, purple, orange and red sparks flying around, practically illuminating the whole place. They were all very tired and fatigued but the Captain simply appeared to not get tired. Kyra then “fainted”, leaving Jaden to defeat him. They locked up their sabers in a saber duel, using a lot of strength not to lose for it would probably give an opening. The Captain used his raw strength to overpower Jaden, knocking him to the ground. Kyra then ignited the other half of her double-bladed saber and threw it, using the Force to spin it around, and it cut the Captain in half, leaving him dead. They got their strengths through the Force and quickly entered the X-Wing and flew to Taris.

***

Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose quickly cut down through many droids possible, this was no easy task, even for Jedi’s and experienced shooters. Suddenly, about three droids knocked down Rosh and surrounded Rose. He screamed her name in fear of her getting killed, but she took of her shirt of the waist, revealing a blue lightsaber, and spun around, cutting down the droids as Rosh looked amazed. He got up and ran to her.

“Rose, you’re a Jedi too! Well why didn’t you say so?” he asked.

She blushed a little and told him why.

“I didn’t want you to know, I only use this in times of peril, and this is one of them.” She said bolting two droids behind Rosh with Force Lightning.

“Thanks!” he said looking back .”Watch out!” he shouted, rolling and stabbing a droid. Kyle and Jan reunited with them as they got surrounded by 10 droids. Suddenly, many blaster bolts flew down on the droids, and they looked behind and saw General Ulgo with some sort of heavy machinegun.

“Now this is a gift to my unrested and old eyes.” Kyle said.

“What, did you expect me to sit down and watch you have all the fun? Let’s kick some droid memory core!” shouted General Ulgo.

Suddenly, Jaden and Kyra appeared in the X-Wing, shooting at the ground, destroying more of Taris but getting rid of the menacing Droids. They got out and all greeted themselves.

“So, what did you found out?” Jan asked. Kyra and Jaden looked down.

“They have the Droid Army to help them. And the creator plans to betray the Sith.” Said Kyra. They all heard a big noise. Everybody looked up and saw a giant ship.

“I recognise this ship. It was in the Clone Wars. It’s…The Torturer .” Said General Ulgo as they all looked in awe. They all got onto the Republic Cruiser, flew to space and discussed the situation with Republic Admiral, Steve Onasi.

“Ladies and gentleman, the final battle is at stage. We need to penetrate that ship, kill the Sith and destroy forever the Trade Federation. We got you three young Jedi this special ancient Jedi Starfighter manufacturing. They are very resourceful, and will no doubt help you get to the Hangar not being seen. The rest is up to you. For Kyle, Jan and Rose, they will go with you since they’re two person fighters. You’re dismissed.” Said the Admiral. They all went to the Hangar, and entered them. Jaden was accompanied by Kyle and they had R2 with them, Kyra by Jan with a R3 unit and Rosh by Rose with an R4 unit. They flew out as Admiral Onasi looked from the bridge.

“May The Force Be With Us.”

Diego Varen
07-28-2006, 02:29 PM
Good Chapter. Is Rose, Mission's descendant? Kyle's sarcastic humour is good once again, but Jan will never come to the standard of Kyle's humour.

Jason Skywalker
07-28-2006, 04:53 PM
Hmm, pehraps. I find that idea shallow and pedante. Family Guy quote. :xp: Well, i've thought on that, but i haven't really decided it yet.

Yes she is.

Diego Varen
07-28-2006, 05:00 PM
Good old Family Guy... I'm not talking about that now though, only in PMs. Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.

Jason Skywalker
07-28-2006, 05:17 PM
And i'm doing it right now. I'll do some of those previews game you did for the next chapter.

Diego Varen
07-28-2006, 05:24 PM
Is it just me, or do you seem to take my ideas a lot of the time?

Jason Skywalker
07-28-2006, 05:29 PM
"Copying is the best way of flattering." Sorry, but you just have good ideas. Besides, i still haven't designed myself a articulate writer, or in other words, i still need to find my style.

Diego Varen
07-28-2006, 05:33 PM
I have to agree with you there. My style I was going for was a mix between, RC, ForceFight, Renegade Puma and many more, but now I feel like I've found my style. Some description, some humour and some other things. I hope I can be an idol to new Fanfic writers in the future, just like my idols have been to me (Mentioned earlier in this Post). Glad you like my ideas though. I seem to feel a lot more respected since I joined in January.

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 01:50 PM
Alright, i am almost done with Chapter VII, i just need to finish it, do my magic and post it. I am determined in ending this soon. Also Pottsie, don't worry, i ain't in the mood to do those games. :xp:

Niner_777
07-29-2006, 02:02 PM
Good chapter, Jason. Keep it up.

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 02:25 PM
Here it comes!

Chapter VII
A Torturing War

Shots, flying everywhere, as so where ships and fighters. That was the scenery on the space above Taris. Many fighters flew with Jaden, Kyra, Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose, probably for covering. Meanwhile in the Republic Cruiser, Admiral Onasi looked at the space until his Second-in-command, Marise Dodonna, talked to him.

“Admiral, do you think we can beat the Sith and their Droid Army?” she asked with a desperate tone.

“Don’t worry Dodonna, their Jedi and they have the Force with them. Although, let’s always hope for the best.” He said, changing his voice tone to a one more darker.

***

The blue and white Jedi Starfighter, piloted by Jaden and Kyle was doing very good. With R2 on their side, they destroyed many droid starfighters. Although, the red and white Jedi fighter containing Rosh and Rose didn’t have much luck as the R4 unit it was carrying was destroyed by a sneak blaster shot, and they lost control by some time. The yellow and white carrying Kyra and Jan quickly shot that droid starfighter with some quick shots.

“Thanks Kyra and Jan.” Rosh thanked by the comm.

“What are friends for anyways?” said Jan by the comm.

They started speeding up, in hopes to get to The Torturer soon. They soon saw something that would be a problem. One of the starfighters crashed to save their skins by trying to pass the shields. With those shields, they couldn’t enter the Hangar. Your death will be avenged, thought Jaden.

“Everyone, disperse and shoot the shield generators!” Kyle shouted in the comm.

They all nodded and went after the shields. Many soldiers gave their lives to protect them. Kyra burst a tear or two but then focused on the shields. They all shot into the shield generators, but passed quickly so the auto-turrets didn’t get them. Suddenly, with a surprise shot, Rosh and Rose shot two torpedo’s, destroying the shield generators. They then flew in to the Hangar.

***

Jaden and Kyle got there first and as they landed in spins, Kyle got the cockpit window open and jumped, flipping to the ground and stabbing a droid. He then Force Pushed other 3 to their dooms as they fell to Taris. Jaden got out and was followed by Kyra and Jan and soon Rosh and Rose arrived, but of the astromech droids, only R2 got out alive.

“R2, check the elevators.” Jaden said.

“Ok Jaden.” He beeped. R2 slided to the elevator controls and tried to unlock the elevator, but they were stuck.

“Oh well, we need to do it the old way.” Jan said. They started running. As expected, they found many droids and destroyed them, until they found 6 doors.

“Well, I guess it’s time to split up. Be careful and be wary of the Dark Side.” Kyle warned.

“Come one now Kyle, you’re starting to sound like Luke.” Jan joked. They then entered those doors.

***

Kayn and Cyrus watched on the heated space battle in the bridge as Uriel entered with his lackeys, guarded by droids, and shook hands with Kayn. Cyrus however, still looked carefully at him.

“Welcome Uriel. You already know my apprentice Cyrus, and I’m sure you’re here to watch the Space Battle.” Kayn said. His face was covered, but they just knew he was grinning. Cyrus knew how his face was however.

“Thanks My Lord. Yes, I am here. Although, I’m afraid the meddling Jedi’s have entered.” Uriel said.

“Hmm, I see. I’m afraid I must go. The Jedi shall know where I will wind up.” Kayn said as he slowly left the bridge while Cyrus grinned.

***

It was all dark, but they could hear Kayn’s voice over and over always saying “You’re not going to get out of here alive!” and then laughing. They all knew it was a maze, so they used their Force senses to show them the way. Luckily, Jan winded up with Kyle not so long after they got into the doors, so she had orientation. Suddenly, the lights came back in and Kayn’s voice was nowhere to be heard. Rosh was walking when three droids appeared. He easily dispatched of one droid with the Force, bolting him with a stroke of stunning Lightning, short-circuiting their circuits. They all eventually got got out of there, destroying droid by droid. When they gathered, Rosh said to himself:

Strange, this seemed very easy. There’s something fishy here, he thought.

They got on the elevator, that suddenly started working. R2 was there.

“Thank you R2!” Jaden thanked.

“You’re welcome.” He whistled.

***

When the elevator reached the bridge, they all entered a room, it had some sort of stairs. They walked it up, when the door opened by itself. Inside was Cyrus and Uriel, guarded by several Battle Droids.

“Welcome. I see you have found us. But now, you must die!” said Uriel, pointing at them for his droids to attack, but some of them attacked Cyrus! He quickly ignited his double-bladed lightsaber, deflected the blasts and destroyed them with a bolt of Force Lightning. He then turned to Uriel, jumped to the air, flipping to his back, and stabbed him in the body, leaving him to die. Jaden, Kyra, Rosh, Kyle and Rose all ignited their lightsabers, but noticing the droids coming from behind, Kyle Force pulled the droids in the bridge to the room with the stairs and said for Jan and Rose to assist him, and they did. He then Force closed the door.

“May the Force be with you my apprentices.” He said before rushing to the droid with his saber, screaming.

***

Luke meditated on the Massassi Temple. He knew he had to intervene. He grabbed a X-Wing and flew all the way to Tarisian space to aid them.

***

Before engaging in battle, Cyrus took out another double-bladed lightsaber, also red, and maneuvered them in ways almost impossible, a dual double-bladed lightsaber wielder! They awed in amazement but snapped out of it. They started duelling, swing after swing, slash after slash, Force power after another. It was a very balanced duel with many amazing athletics. Rosh jointed his lightsabers and threw them using the Force, but Cyrus back flipped over them. Rosh then stopped them, and launched them back, but he amazingly flipped to the front over them, once again. Rosh caught his sabers and holstered one and they started duelling once again. Orange, yellow, purple and lots of red sparks flew over the place. Rosh swung but he jumped and flipped to his back, and cut Rosh’s cybernetic arm by luck. He screamed in pain as he fell to the ground. Kyra fought Cyrus in the amazing duel of double-bladed lightsabers while Jaden tried to make Rosh’s pain a little less agonizing. She rolled her lightsaber in different ways, trying to get an opening, hoping to slash him. She eventually did it, but he quickly got up, jumped and flipped once again, this time Force Choking her and slamming her to the ground, hard. Jaden got up and stared in Cyrus’s eyes. They were dark and he could see the hatred in him. Jaden ignited his lightsaber, even though he was disadvantaged. Cyrus however, holstered one of his double-bladed lightsaber and one half of the other. It was now a one-on-one epic battle. Jaden swung hard at Cyrus’ arm, but he blocked. Cyrus now jumped, and left a Force Explosion but Jaden stabbed the ground and grabbed his lightsaber tight, trying to not get hit by it. He succeeded, and quickly rolled, stabbing Cyrus’s thigh. He screamed but then choked Jaden and threw him. Jaden stopped it with his legs, and ran to him, slashing Cyrus, leaving a painful cut on Cyrus’s right arm. Suddenly, a lifeless Uriel grabbed a blaster and shot Cyrus in his back, leaving him defenceless. Rosh got out both of his lightsabers and cut his thighs off, followed by a double-saber throw by Kyra, cutting off his hands and then Jaden grabbed his lightsaber and delivered the final stroke, cutting off Cyrus’s head with Jaden’s orange and Cyrus’s red lightsabers. After a harsh battle, the apprentice of Kayn was no more. He could feel it for they had a bond, and now, that bond was broken. Jaden crawled to the lifeless Uriel and questioned him.

“Where is Kayn?” he asked.

Uriel spit some blood and then answered him.

“He…went to the planet…of Mustafar…although…he will be…in the dimension…of Oblivion…here, take this…get in the place where Darth Vader was born and say…Family…” said Uriel handing Jaden a lightdagger. Then, in his final breath he cursed Kayn, and died.

Suddenly, Cyrus’s voice started talking. They all noticed his head was talking.

“Here Jedi, come here.” He said. Jaden went there, and in an attempt to redeem himself, Cyrus revealed Kayn’s true appearance to Jaden, and died away saying Thank You.

The door opened and Kyle, Jan and Rose got in.

“Well, looks like we missed the whole party.” Kyle joked. “So my apprentices, where did Kayn go?”

“Kayn went to the planet of Mustafar. I must hold this lightdagger ignited in the place of Darth Vader’s birth, and then enter the dimension of Oblivion and kill Kayn. Although I don’t know where that may be.” He said.

“Although I know.” Said a voice. It was Luke.

He explained them, and they all set the Torturer do self-destruct mode, and got out, finally destroying the Trade Federation and winning the war. They came back to the Republic Cruiser where Admiral Onasi and Second-in-Command Marise Dodonna thanked them. There was still Mustafar and Kayn left. Luke then encouraged everyone with the following words.

“Now, May The Force Be With Us All.”

***

Here (http://elderscrolls.com/images/art/ob_concept/ob_concept12B.jpg) is Kayn's appearance without the cloak. It's the one on the right, all armoured up.

Hope ya enjoyed it, i may post the last chapter tomorrow! Altough there will still be the prologue. ;)

Also, the Kyle jump-flip-stab thingy is from ROTS. Obi 1 did it.

Diego Varen
07-29-2006, 03:39 PM
You mean the Epilogue. Epilogue is after the story, Prologue is before the story. Anyway a good Chapter. I thought there was ten Chapters not eight or nine (Depending on how many you're doing). Anyway looking foward to it. Nice Pic too.

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 03:56 PM
Yeah, epilogue. Thanks for mentioning the typo. Well, yeah, i was gonna do 10 chapters, but, decisions are always made.

Glad you liked the pic.

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 05:56 PM
Here's the before-last chapter!

Chapter VIII
The Beginning of the End

The Republic Cruiser got nearer to Mustafar. While Rosh rested after the medical bay droid made him a new arm: mechanical by the inside, human by the outside, Jaden and Kyra shared another conversation.

“Hi Kyra, how are you doing?” Jaden asked.

“Well, a little roughed up, but, no serious things.” She answered.

“That’s good to know. I see you now understand what I told you back then, haven’t you?”

“Yes Jaden, and for that, I thank you.” Said Kyra. She then grabbed his face and kissed him, and so did he. They kissed each other for a minute, but then Luke entered the room.

“No need to worry, the New Jedi Order doesn’t prohibit love.” He relieved them. “I just wanted to say that you should come to the bridge. I have something for you.”

They nodded and followed Luke to the bridge. They looked at Rosh and traded smiles.

“So Rosh, finally got a good replacement arm, eh?” Kyle joked.

“Yeah Kyle, now let’s hear Luke.” Rosh said.

They all turned their attention to Luke and his speech.

“We are near Mustafar. Before we get there I have to say some things. First: I will accompany the young Jedi and Kyle to Mustafar.”

Everyone awed in amazement. Luke would accompany them, and probably fight!

“Second: young Rose Vao has decided to join the Jedi Order and is now a Padawan.” Everyone clapped hands. “Also, for her great performance in the Tarisian War, I have promoted Kyra Zerp to Jedi Knight, congratulations.” Jaden and Rosh smiled and clapped hands. “That is all.”

And may the Force be with us all, he thought.

***

A few minutes later, they arrived at their destination, Mustafar. Shortly after, Jaden, Kyle, Rosh, Kyra, Rose and Luke got out. He leaded them for a while and shortly arrived at the place of Darth Vader’s birth.

“Are you sure this is it?” Kyle asked. “Looks pretty blank to me.”

“Don’t worry Kyle, the Force tells me it is.” Said Luke. He nodded to Jaden. He got the lightdagger out and ignited it. It had a white and silver blade. He then shouted the word “Family” and suddenly, a huge rock got out of the ground, followed by the opening of a fiery portal inside it. They all entered and Jaden was the last one in. They had entered the world of Oblivion. A fiery lava dimension. And the most of it all, a giant tower in the middle of the dimension.

“I guess that’s where Kayn is hiding.” Jaden said.

They saw a bridge, but Luke could sense there was a huge gap on it.

“Anybody up for a good jump?” Kyle joked, also knowing about the gap.

They all boosted their speed with the Force, ran, and jumped right on the end of the bridge from there. Unfortunately, Rose didn’t jump high enough and fell, but Rosh quickly grabbed her hand and Force Pushed her up. She thanked him and they continued. Soon, they arrived at the Tower. They got inside, and there where nasty creatures. Although they were strong, none of them resisted the Force and the lightsaber. They started “climbing” the tower, getting into rooms and such. On the first floor of the tower, they found three robed beast-like Dark Jedi with red lightsabers.

“We are the Dremrao, followers of Master Kayn, and you shall not pass!” shouted one of them in their language. Surprisingly, Jaden was the only one that could hear them. Luke ignited his green lightsaber, and Force Pushed them to the spiky ledges. One of them was caught off-guard and fell to his doom, burned by the fire tower that “fed” Kayn and kept the Oblivion Dimension alive. The other was pushed against a wall, and broke his spine, falling dead. Only one remained, and he was barely scratched. He ran at Luke and swung, but he blocked with his emerald-green like blade. He swung at the Dremrao, but missed, The creature punched him and sent a bolt of lightning, but he flipped over them and stabbed his saber onto the Dremrao’s head, killing him. They then continued on with the Tower.

***

Eventually, they reached the top floor. The initial ground was made of flesh, and the initial stairs of bones. They climbed them, and then the flesh-made stairs again. They all saw something. A stone. Jaden touched it and grabbed it. Suddenly all went blank and they all were confronted by Darth Kayn on the top of the Tower.

“So, it appears you have found me. Well, we should begin the battle that will determine the fate of the Galaxy in the Battle for balance between Good and Evil!” said Kayn, uncloaking himself, and revealing his true form. He had a red and black spiky armor and his helmet resembled the head of a Kraith Dragon and ignited his blood red lightsaber. They also ignited their lightsabers and initiated the fight that would determine the fate of the Galaxy for years to come!

***

So, this fic is almost at the end. I'm so proud of it, sniff. Anyways, comment please! :)

Diego Varen
07-29-2006, 06:08 PM
Good Chapter. What will you do once you finish this Fic? If you write more, you could try to find your own writing style and then you don't have to use mine all the time.

Also are you aware of Mach's Reviews? He reviews all Fics at some point. He has done some of mine. When The Critic's 2 Cents is updated, see if yours is there. This is just incase you didn't know.

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 06:11 PM
I shall do a fic centered in KOTOR, and yeah, maybe i will.

Yeah, i know about that. Gonna check it out right now! ;)

Edit: I need someone's opinion. Should i do the final chapter now? I've got plenty of time.

Diego Varen
07-29-2006, 06:27 PM
I need someone's opinion. Should i do the final chapter now? I've got plenty of time.

Your choice. I like this Avatar better than that other one. What were your Avatars anyway (I know your Anakin one).

Jason Skywalker
07-29-2006, 06:29 PM
Well, i'll do it tomorrow.

Anakin, Reyvan Skyrider(last two ones, Oblivion first character) and Shura(current, Oblivion second character.)

Niner_777
07-29-2006, 06:58 PM
Good chapters, Jason. This is turning out to be a very successful fic.

Jason Skywalker
07-30-2006, 02:34 PM
Here it is!

Chapter IX
The Last Stand

Luke and Kyle stepped in. They warned them not to disturb, for Kayn was very powerful. The armoured and menacing Kayn saw Luke and Kyle both igniting their lightsabers.

“Two against one?” Now that’s unfair.” He said, taking out another lightsaber and igniting it. “Now it’s better.”

***

Kyle and Luke ran to Kayn. They both swung simultaneously, but he stepped back, evading the blow. Now it was Kayn’s turn. He rushed at them and jumped and flipped, using his two lightsabers to slash them, although they stepped back also. They duelled for a little bit, green, blue and red sparks flying all over and spreading into the lava. Kyle ran at Kayn but he Force choked Kyle and slammed him into the ground. Then he electrified Luke with such strength, he got knocked out. Jaden, Rosh, Kyra and Rose ignited their lightsabers. Rose was the first to run to him. He easily knocked her out into Rosh with a brutal Force Push. Kyra spun around with her lightsaber in many ways, trying to cut Kayn off but he always blocked, and then sneakily grabbed her and drained her Force power! Jaden quickly cut him off, and swung at his arm, cutting it off. Jaden saw flesh, human. He awed a second and then recovered while Kayn screamed in pain. He got up and ran. He swung at Jaden horizontally but Jaden jumped. Jaden swung once again but Kayn ducked and punched him with strength in his stomach and Force pushed him off. He then grabbed Luke’s and Kyle’s necks, choking them with the Force.

“I longed for this moment very time. I shall be the most powerful Sith in the whole universe!” he shouted, adding Force Lightning, a deadly combination. Luke and Kyle screamed for a while until Jaden got up. He then ran at an unexpected Kayn, and plunged his lightsaber onto his chest, piercing the armor and Kayn’s body. He fell to the ground.

***

Jaden was tired, but he was glad. The war was over, they had won. Then, in a human voice, Kayn asked Jaden to take his mask off. Jaden crawled there and took the mask off. Kayn was a human, brown hair with a beard and blue eyes. But suddenly, the face and body of a young man turned into of a old, corrupted man.

“Thank you Jaden. You released me of my curse…grandson.” Kayn said.

Jaden awed in amazement. It was his grandfather, and he thought he was dead long ago!

“I put this armour once when I was Lorgren Korr, The Gray Jedi…and it consumed me as a young man…but now my time has come. Goodbye my grandson…and May the Force be with you.” He said, dying. Jaden cried and hugged his dead grandfather.

***

Suddenly, the world of Oblivion started to fall. It all turned white like when they confronted Lorgren, but now, they were back on Mustafar, Jaden with his grandfather on his arms. He digged a tomb and gave him a funeral. They got back on the Republic Cruiser, victory was claimed! The next day on Coruscant, there was a huge party where everyone celebrated the victory over the Sith. Jaden, Luke and Kyle all looked behind and saw Morgan Katarn, Cyrus and Lorgren with their Jedi Robes all smiling. Jaden then got to Kyra and they kissed as fireworks came off. It was truly a day of commemoration.

***

These Jedi were not mere Jedi Knights. They were saviours, known galaxy-wide. They were Jedi Heroes. Evil is defeated when good men do something, and that was what happened. The Galaxy was safe again for many years, but there is always evil lurking and good men willing to put away. The Force is the flow of lives, but also of deaths. Above of all, they were Jedi Heroes, and had the Force with them.

And the Force is everything.

***

The End

Diego Varen
07-30-2006, 03:05 PM
Kayn is Jaden's grandfather? Weren't expecting that. Anyway, I think he was defeated a bit fast, but it's your choice. Nice to see your putting this in the Jedi Archives. My two are there too.

I also hope you can improve your writing skills, like me and other writers. Looking foward to your next Fic (A KOTOR one I presume?)

Jason Skywalker
07-30-2006, 06:46 PM
Thank you Pottsie, you are a true friend. In paper it looked like he was defeated a bit too fast, he duelled with some of them for a while.

Ah yes, that, it will be about a certain Jedi no one ever heard from...

Diego Varen
07-31-2006, 07:03 AM
Thank you Pottsie, you are a true friend. In paper it looked like he was defeated a bit too fast, he duelled with some of them for a while.

Ah yes, that, it will be about a certain Jedi no one ever heard from...

That's very kind of you to say. I'm putting you on my Buddy List (I've never started one). I'll put several people on.

Jae Onasi
07-31-2006, 07:22 PM
The Mom-erator here--I pruned a bunch of posts about buddy lists, which is not the topic of this thread.... Please help keep Jason Skywalker's thread spam-free. He's worked hard on his story and deserves the courtesy.

Jason (and everyone else, actually)--I saw the discussion in a couple of the comments about you 'using' some of Pottsie's ideas. If you want to take ideas from someone else's fic, you need to ask them permission first and then make sure to give them credit. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but if you do it in writing, you are plagiarizing (i.e., stealing their ideas), and that is a violation of forum rules. I don't hate very many things, but I do hate plagiarism.
You can make a quick note at the beginning of the post or at the very end saying "X courtesy of Raniskran" to give that person proper credit.
If you would, as a courtesy to Pottsie, please make a quick note at the very end along the lines of "Thanks to Pottsie for ____" or "_____ ideas courtesy Pottsie". I'll make sure it gets put in your Archived fic, too.

Now I can quit being Mom-erator and be Jae the reader....
....And, speaking of the story....
Very interesting--I'm not familiar with any JA stories, so I don't know how it fits in with that story line. You have some pretty good description there--if you add a little more, especially during the battle scenes, it'll slow it down a little. That way, we readers can follow it better and keep up with what you're envisioning. I know they don't pull out the lightsabers and get the guy in just one swing. If you add more fight scene descriptions, it won't be over so quickly, and we can feel the excitement of the moment along with you. That being said, you have a fine start on it.

Dialogue--I saw one consistent error to point out, and it's a grammar thing. It's a minor thing, in spite of the long, drawn out explanation. :)
I'm going to use an example because it's easier to see that way. Let's take one of your sentences:
"You're welcome." He said.
There should be a comma after 'welcome' instead of a period, and 'He' should not be capitalized. So, it's should look like this:
"You're welcome," he said.
Proper names still get capitalized, of course, so it'd look like this with a name:
"You're welcome," Jaden said.
I don't know if you did this or not, but since I'm in teaching mode....
Instead of:
He said. "you're welcome."
It should be:
He said, "You're welcome."--there's a comma after 'said' instead of a period, and in this case, the first word inside of the quotes generally does get capitalized.

I liked how you wrote the dialogue. I started to get a feel for how the characters were feeling and not just what they were saying. I like to know what motivates a person to do something, so seeing some of that here made it more 'real' for me.
Keep writing!

Jason Skywalker
08-01-2006, 08:48 AM
Ironically, i'm gonna answer your long post with a short post.

Well, your right, every credit(i think) goes to Pottsie. Also, thanks for the advices. :)

Niner_777
08-01-2006, 09:55 AM
Good one Jae.

And it appears as if my post was edited out, for some reason. Anyways, great ending and great fic, Jason!

Niner_777, your post was deleted because it was off-topic, as was the majority of this post. Please stick to the topic at hand as chatty or off-topic posts are considered spam, and can get you into trouble. -RH

machievelli
01-22-2009, 01:26 PM
read