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anakin34
05-30-2006, 08:20 PM
(a jedi who is 23 is the main caracter) i have sucesfuly killed the sith lord logan and am coming to the academy with his lightsaber to be turned to a jedi alligned lightsaber for a padawan who cannot construct one back at the academy ... young padawan i have got this robe from a sith lord and wish for you to recive this and start your training with me will you let me train you or wait another year or2 for another master the padawan named arvil naskin answerd i shall master 12 years later when arvil has almost completed his training with the force and will be awarded with a blue lightsaber tomorrow. Tomorrow... master jolie i can't wait to receve my lightsaber for finishing my training . oh i think you should practice your knowlege of the force now go along said master jolie. outside the academy a large number of dark jedis were getting ready to charge there way in and battle the jedis with lightsabers
little did they they know the jedi masters: master jolie(arvils master) master hulk master voss master exarxun master windu (got a mechanical arm)
were at the base of the dark jedis already battling fiercly sabers clashing lightsabers flying the jedis won but only three emerged from the academy that no longer had the dark side within it the masters were:master voss,masterwindu and master exar xun. back at the academy that was rushing with excitment because that day all padawans became jedi watchmen and let go of there training sabers and got there pre-constructed by computer program lightsabers to be continued...

Jason Skywalker
05-31-2006, 06:14 PM
Not bad dude,but you should see like mine,Pottsie's,Niner's and perhaps Sabretooths fic and learn a little with it.Good story though.

Diego Varen
05-31-2006, 06:15 PM
No offence, but this seriously needs editing. A lot of spelling mistakes, no capital letters and hardly any
punctuation. If Hallucination was to see this, he would critize you a lot more than I would.

Thanks for reccomending my Fic, Jason. I also reccomend ForceFightWMe's, Renegade Puma, JasraLantill, JediMaster12 and Jae Onasi's Fics. Perhaps you may learn from them.

The Doctor
06-01-2006, 04:35 PM
I also recommend splitting up the paragraphs a little better, so that you have... well... paragraphs. Each time a new person speaks, whenever the setting changes, etc. It makes it easier to read.
You might also want to add in quotation marks. It gets confusing trying to figure out if someone is speaking, or if it's part of the narrative.

machievelli
01-29-2009, 01:35 PM
read