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HK-42
06-05-2006, 05:21 PM
This takes place 2 years after the death of Luke.Ben Skywalker turned to the dark side and started a new sith order now known as Darth Nilin.His apprentice was a Kel Dor named Darth Strander who had swore vengence on kyle Katarn.The academy was on a planet that wasn't on Republic charts it was called Skylrec named after Ben it's people never named it now they could'nt because they were all dead The Sith killed them.

Name:Ben Skywalker/Darth Nilin
Age:31
Apprentice(S)Darth Strander
Weapen:Red Lightsaber
Aligned:Sith/Jedi
Home planet:Yavin lV

Name: Darth Strander
Age 19 1/2
Master:Ben Skywalker/Darth Nilin
Weapen:Blue and Red Sabers
Aligned:Sith
Home Planet:Skylrec

Chapter 1 starts soon

HK-42
06-05-2006, 05:57 PM
New Chapter

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Chapter 1

Ben sat in his private quarters, having a vision that had happened two years ago...
"Ben, what are you doing here?" Luke asked.
"I'm here to kill you father." He replied, pushing Luke out the window. He threw his Lightsaber after him, which sliced his head off. He woke up. That was the eleventh time he had the vision since he did that. He went on a mission to kill some Jedi led by Katarn to get his mind off it. His apprentice hated Kyle and wanted to come along.
"Please." He said.
"Fine come on!" He called a squad of Sith and they left. They landed right in front of the Jedi with his old homing beacon the Jedi approached off guard, thinking it was Jedi. They stepped in to the ship. He and his student came up to them in two of his old Jedi robes. They ignited there Sabers and killed them. But Kyle realising it was a trap, jumped back at the last second. One of the Sith stepped out of his room and Kyle cut off his head.Unfortunatley, they went up in the air and the head rolled in to the engine and a small boom made sparks and one hit the body that started a fire. Meanwhile, Ben sensed danger and opened the hatch. He and Strander jumped out and landed. Ahead they saw Kyle, who had cut a hole in the ship to get out, running and behind them their ship blew up.
Pottsie edited it,Thanks pottsie

HK-42
06-05-2006, 08:12 PM
Chapter 2 the hunt for Kyle, I'll try to make it longer this time.
I't was the biggest fight in history.Kyle now leader of the jedi was powerful second only to jaden.Ben attacked in a fast kata..blocked a stab..blocked medium kata and strong kata...both blocked.I't was like he read a maneul on him.Than Kyle ran.Gaurd the remaning ships.Yes master! Ben ran after Kyle.Kyle led him to a spaceport Kyle got into a ship and so did Ben.He waited till kyle flew off then followed.He shot and shot finally he Kyle.YES he said out loud.Kyle moving slower flew to Naboo landed and ran.But Ben followed.They clashed again in a strang saber lock.They fought intill they reached another spaceport Kyle flipped back and got in to a ship. Ben stole a ship with a hprodrive killed the piolt and flew after Kyle.Kyle spriseingly flew to mustafar Ben knew what he was doing he was flying from planet to planet trying to lose him and Ben had to stop him he jumped out landing on a differint landing platform as Kyle.His ship hit a building.Kyle thinking he was dead flew off.Ben got in a abanded cis bomber and flew after him.

He got out his own invention that aloud him to breath in space for 3 days and a jet pack attashed to it.Then he opened his cockpit and jumped out into space.He used his jetpack to zoom to Kyle's ship and opened the co pilot cockpit and got in.Hello Kyle he said and stabed with his saber.Kyle dodged and grabbed the saber and hit the seat agect Nilin went into the air.Then noticed his jetpack was low if he zoomed after Kyle he could not get back to his ship.So he used the force and crushed Kyle's engine and went to his ship and shot kyle down.He flew back to Yavin 4 found his apprentice and they flew back to Skylrec.

Jaden heard about Kyle and the others death and was saddend.He was now the leader of the jedi.First Luke was killed by Ben and now Kyle.Him and Mordale(brother of jaden from sabertooth's jaden korr-darth qollous)and jaden son Luke Korr gathered the jedi and had a meeting.
comming soon chapter 3 jaden's sorrow
please reply!

Name:Luke Korr
Age:19
Master:Father Jaden Korr
Weapon:Green saber
Aligned:jedi
Home planet:Hoth

Name:Kyle
Age:30's
Weapon:Blue saber soon changes
Aligned:jedi/sith
Home planet:Sulom
do not read any farther skip this and wait for chapter 3 SPOILER
Kyle is alive and soon turns to the ds

Diego Varen
06-06-2006, 01:34 AM
Good, good. Just needs editing in places, but this looks like a good Fic.

Also you may need to PM Sabretooth and ask him if you can use his Character.

Kyle's Homeworld is Sulon.

HK-42
06-06-2006, 12:42 PM
still wating for sabretooth to pm me back

CHAPTER 3 Will Start When Sabretooth pms me about mordale

HK-42
06-06-2006, 01:40 PM
Thank You Sabertooth, Chapter 3 Jaden's Sorrow,
I have bad news,Kyle has died!GASPS!Luke's son Ben killed like he did Luke.We have recoverd Luke's saber.Our next mission is to find Kyle's saber.We also have learned Ben is planning to attack.We must leave fast!

Luckly,Kyle's air suppurt survived he was now on a planet he had never seen then He saw the Inperial shuttle.DAMM he said Out of all the planets I land on the one Ben's on.Die Jedi! A reborn ignited his duel sabers.Kyle did the same.Then the ground collapsed he fell into a pit.

2 hr later,Ah,Hello Kyle.Ben!kyle replyed.Yes,join me- if you turn on your saber you die by a trap.If you refuse I kill you. I...I...join

Name:Kyle/Darth Vindar
Age:30's
Weapon:Red saber
Aigned:Sith
Home Planet:Sulon

Kyle was back on Yavin4 spying on the jedi then he saw,Mordale he called.What,Kyle but your dead.No,i'm not I need to talk to Jaden.Fine,Jaden!What,Kyle how..!Dosen't mader I learned Ben abandend his attack he has made a army.Of General Grievous species.The Kaleesh they are on there home planet Kalee,he captered them and put them in there mechanical armor.But like GG2 They are saber proof and can use the force!He is going to attack Coruscant.Thats Bad all jedi go to Corusant to defend it.Kyle where are you going Jaden said.I'm going to Kalee to fight alone.(lie)

I't is done Lord Nilin Good.Invade Yavin 4 When they leave after that take over Alderann 2 to captare Han and Leia.Yes my lord.He got into the Ravens Claw and flew off.

COMING SOON TO READ,
CHAPTER 4,Taking The Temple

Diego Varen
06-06-2006, 02:02 PM
A bit confusing there. Was that a Chapter or part of it. It seemed a bit too fast.

HK-42
06-06-2006, 02:09 PM
I had to post it to check something I just added more is your thing done whats it called

Diego Varen
06-06-2006, 02:15 PM
Still needs editing. Especially in punctuation.

HK-42
06-06-2006, 05:32 PM
yeah,i'm going to edit when i finish
feedback please
Chapter 4 Taking the Temple
When the jedi landed on Coruscant and checked for emenys only 5 showed and they were dead.Jedi thank god 100's of stardestroyersvare coming.Followed by a d...He was shot.Jaden,Luke,Mordale I feel that this is happening elsewear too on...Endor go to Endor said a student.Whos the leader here said Jaden.Fine will go,But Mordale call Boba he might help us.Yes sir,...He says help..for money.Fine lets go!Sir,the 3 jedi gaurding the temple were killed we have taken over good send a fleet to alderann 2 to help Lord Vindar.Yes sir!Send another fleet to Kamino to buy the clones,I will find the remmnets that have not joined us.

Fear leads to the dark side and there was a hell lot of it on Coruscant.What is coming?
Sir!What commander?We have identevied the object it is a Death Star.What?!BOOOOM

Coruscant has been destroyed sir.Good take over Naboo.Yes sir!Lord Strander,bring me a ship.Yes,my master.

On Kamino,No we will not let you buy the clon...Fine good by,he killied her.What have you done shouted a Kaminoian!Kill them all of them,Now said Strander,who just came.Yes sir!Lord Nilin,they refused so insted of us paying the price they payed it.
Good,Lord Vindar captured the solos come back to Skylark with all the clones.Yes sir!

Master.What Luke?I since a destervence.So do I,I since...**** the jedi are dead...so is everyone else.

COMING SOON TO READ,
CHAPTER 5 Fights of the aliance
edit

Niner_777
06-06-2006, 06:32 PM
Nice fic. It does need some editing and it is kind of confusing. Think of it this way, you've got some room to improve. :D You'll get the hang of writing and your chapters will hopefully slow down and become easier to understand. If you've got some time, check out Amongst the Ruins, click on link in my signature.

Btw, if you type ":" diriectly followed by "D" it creates :D.

HK-42
06-06-2006, 06:34 PM
thanks like i said i edit when i finish

Diego Varen
06-07-2006, 01:44 AM
It's alright, but it's still needs editing. And don't be rude to someone who's given feedback, espically if they're trying to help.

I already addressed the rude part there pottsie. ;) -RH

HK-42
06-07-2006, 11:02 AM
sorry,I did not know cap was on.What I meant was I edit after the whole story.I don't have enough time to write ch 5 so i'll do it tommrrow

okay next day sorry niner no offence i hope,
Chapter 5 Fights of the allinace,
Sir Naboo has been taken,but an army got away.We thing they were Gunguns.Chase them,NOW shouted Nilin!! Yes sir,the message ended.I sence a rebelian joning the allince.

The Trade Federaion started a rebelian against the second empire,they have joind us anounsed Jania(daughter of han and leia).We plan to move to Genosis to a abandend base of my Grandfather.(vader)Begin to avacuate!Your highness,Kyle Katarn has landed said the commander.Good,bring him in.The commander opened the blast door.Hello Master K...He was stabbed.Kyle why...?! Your comming with me,your highness.Where our you taking me?To the sith on Skylerc.Where?!Shut up!

We...Have to leave,Now.Said jaden.Why asked luke?Look data plans for the Death Star 4.But how do we know tere complete asked Mordale?It says COMPLETE!Get to ship now,Its comming.While luke and Jaden ran,Mordale jet packed.When they reatched the ship.They met old friends.Surprised asked Nilin? Heh guys need a lift yelled a voise from above.Boba shouted Mordale in amasement!I'm downloding the randevorse spot into your datapad now.Hurry up.Right Mordale replied.

coming soon chapter 5 part 2,Fight on...

Need help please help me pick the battle planet.
It could be Kashyyyk,alderann 2,Skylerc,or Mustafar.
please help

HK-42
06-08-2006, 11:19 AM
i can't contiue till it is voted on

Diego Varen
06-08-2006, 11:23 AM
Good Chapter. I vote Kashyyyk. I had a Death Star 3 in my Fanfic, Shadows of War. Anyway several spelling mistakes, etc.

HK-42
06-08-2006, 11:41 AM
1 for kashyyyk thats what i origionly picked but i decieded to let u guys vote
0 for others i'll change it to ds 4

p.s niner atruins was good

endor goes boom thats why theres no vote for it

Sabretooth
06-08-2006, 12:58 PM
Wow, there's a lot of improvement needed in this fic and it tends to get confusing due to the lack of punctuation marks and general direction. But the concept's good, yes and it brings out my earliest days in writing.

I can see that English is not your first language, (it isn't mine either) but there is still a lot of scope of improvement. Read up on books and check their styles for inspiration.

The fic's pretty much fantastic otherwise...

HK-42
06-08-2006, 01:01 PM
thanks sabertooth can you please vote :D

Diego Varen
06-08-2006, 01:10 PM
Connor, I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but maybe I could edit the Chapters for you and make the Chapters easier to read. I would PM them to you.

Niner_777
06-08-2006, 03:47 PM
Pottsie probably knows best. I'll vote for Kashyyyk too. Btw, I got the PM, connor.

HK-42
06-08-2006, 05:11 PM
i would not mind if you don't thanks.2 for kashyyyk

Master Jimmy
06-08-2006, 07:00 PM
good fic, I like it

HK-42
06-09-2006, 07:37 PM
chap 5 part 2 coming 2morrow

HK-42
06-10-2006, 11:58 AM
Chapter 5 Part 2 Fight on Kashyyyk,
''Heh,Boba said Mordale Thanks for the lift''.''No Prob You're Paying me he replied''.When they reached space Jaden awoke from a voice saying ''WHAT THE HELL IS THAT''!''What asked Jaden''.''Oh No it's Death Star 4...''!''Look there are the Imperials leaving Endor said Luke''. ''**** There blowing up Endor and as Jaden said it Endor became no more''.''Set up a base on Kashyyyk.Forget endor Lets go.''

''The bace has been replaced on Endor my Lord''. ''Good Vindar Lets attack them and show are army said Nilin''.

On Kashyyyk the Rebels and the Jedi had convinced the Wookies to join them in the fight they learned about.''Sir,the emeny has arived said the commandar''.

Thousands of Clone troops joined with hundreds of Stormtroopers.Moved to face the Rebels that had About 1000 troops total,3 jedi and 1 Bounty Hunter.Behind the CS thousands of Kaleesh troops marched to battle.Then the Rebelian was half saved.The Gunguns and the trade fediration arived to join the rebels.The Sith were outnumbured by 10,000 droids and 500 wookies.But they had the avantage of Thousands of Kaleesh with lightsabers.Attack,Thousands of lasers shot.Killing all in there way.Up in the sky was a ship flying peacefully till the battle came in sight...''Oh My Go...d'' and was shot down.Nilin had been in many battles but this was the best.He was blowing up droids sending troops to hell and cutting up Gunguns.The last of the jedi were overwhelmed by Kaleesh troops and the 3 sith and to think the sith order was not yet here.

Thousands had died,''Retreat I REPEAT RETREAT!WE have lost shouted Jaden'' they were in full retreat the remaning wookies had gone into hiding they had lost.

Coming Soon to Read Chapter 6 The fight of Hoth
A jedi soon dies

Diego Varen
06-10-2006, 12:01 PM
Good, though there are several mistakes. Capitals not needed in some places, bace is spelt base and you're missing speech marks, etc.

HK-42
06-11-2006, 12:49 PM
Good, though there are several mistakes. Capitals not needed in some places, bace is spelt base and you're missing speech marks, etc.
just added some btw chap 6 mabe 2morrow

HK-42
06-11-2006, 01:46 PM
Chapter 6 The Battle of Hoth
Niln had won the battle of Kashyyyk and planned to attack Hoth. The Rebellion had moved there to train more jedi and troops there amount of jedi had gone up to 23, but the sith had over 500. They would take it over for themselves. Strandar and Vindar were planning to attack with the sith on the troops while Nilin and the army attacked the jedi.
Then train there sith then attack the rest of the rebellion. They attacked. The rebels knew about the attack! There was no one at the base. ‘’Attack said a voice.’’ They were on the mountain pounding the troops with fire. ‘’All sith retreat’’the troop were dead this time they had lost’’. ‘’ Send in the reinforcements and ships’’. It did not matter if they lost as long no sith died the DS4 was on its way…the sith were now on a SD called CHILLER.


The troops had set holos of troops dying, firing, ect trick the rebellion and it worked. Meanwhile the real troops left. The DS4 reached Hoth. “Fire” said Nilin and Hoth was destroyed. ‘’Attack Mustafar the rebels are going there said Nilin’’ ‘’Sir, the jedi were not on Hoth they left.’’

Stay tuned for chapter 6 part 2
Its called death of Vindar

Diego Varen
06-11-2006, 01:49 PM
Good Chapter.

HK-42
06-11-2006, 01:50 PM
Thanks pottsie

Niner_777
06-11-2006, 03:54 PM
Nice job, connor. I'm finding it a bit easier to understand. I think that you're improving.

HK-42
06-11-2006, 06:48 PM
thanks niner chap 6 p2 2morrow

HK-42
06-12-2006, 10:56 AM
Chapter 6 part 2 Death of Vindar

The rebellion had moved to Mustafar to try to escape the sith…

Jaden snuck aboard the Chiller to find Kyle and turn him back to the light. ‘’Kyle good to see you’’. ‘’Ah, Jaden you found me’’. Kyle turned and ignited his saber ‘’How about a fight’’. “Kyle turn back to the light” said Jaden. “Maybe, if you beat me” replied Kyle. There sabers crashed together making a strong saber lock. Jaden broke it by pushing Kyle into a wall. Kyle flipped up and cut off part of Jaden’s double saber making it only 1 blade then he kicked Jaden into a wall, but Jaden jumped and destroyed Kyle’s saber. “I win Kyle said Jaden” “Fine, I’ll turn back grabbing his blue saber and killing his guards.”
“Let’s go he said”. They landed on Mustafar only to find it was under attack. “Hello,
Kyle said a voice”. “Hello, Nilin he replied activating his saber”. They fought for hours
till Nilin flipped up, landed behind Kyle and stabbed him killing him
instantly. Then Nilin relised they had lost so he gathered the remaining and left.

Epilogue:
The sith had lost the battle forcing them and there army into hiding. Kyle’s funeral was held on Yavin 4 making Jaden the truly new leader of the jedi. The solo family was saved from the DS4 before it blew up.

The End

Stay Tuned for its sequel

Diego Varen
06-12-2006, 11:00 AM
A Sequel already! God, I thought this would be the only one. Anyway good Chapter.

HK-42
06-12-2006, 11:07 AM
well,i probaley going to wait a while

Niner_777
06-12-2006, 03:23 PM
Nice fic. Good luck with your sequel. Keep writing. You'll get the hang of it and become a better writer through practice. :D

HK-42
06-12-2006, 03:25 PM
Thanks Niner the sequel name is in my sig but it might change,any news on ATR

P.S please tell me what you think of the name

Niner_777
06-12-2006, 03:28 PM
I've worked on the next chapter a bit. I thought it would come out today, but I'm thinking it won't be out until tomorrow, possibly Wednesday. This will give me time to finish the chapter, proofread it, and let more people comment about previous chapters.

Diego Varen
06-21-2006, 11:49 AM
Where is all this editing you promised us?