View Full Version : [Fic] The jedi in the east

06-09-2006, 09:18 AM
arvil you must use your power, harness it then put it to rest after battle master onasi said to his padawan ,arvil naskin when he was a youngling
7 years later...

master i've been practicing my deuling withe my best friend:sorra rannd/padawan in traing like arvil i know you trained me in the shi-cho lightsaber style but i learned the makashi style with sorra and i think we are ready to finish with traing sabers and start building our lightsabers. this pleases me that you have learned the makashi style and i was going to tell you that you "are" ready to build a lightsaber , you both are so i shall speak with master briana(sorras master)on this matter come to my quarters tomorrow with sorra
waking up in a hot sweat arvil knows exactly why his father died ,he was the jedi knight named kyle naskin who died in the mandalorian wars with sorras father atton rannd he when he was 6 he thought the story of kyle naskin was just a tale and belived there name being the same a coincedence but this would be put out of his mind until he went to master onasi's quarters so he could speak with him... he put on his neat black armor and then his black cloak and then sprinted to sorra dorm and told her about my vision tobe continued...

:sithk: please give feedback :sithk:

06-09-2006, 01:22 PM
you should use parenthases to show when some one is talking, and let ys know who is talking, it was a little confusing

06-12-2006, 09:49 AM
it was a little cofusing ???? you need to edit it

The Doctor
06-12-2006, 05:33 PM
Needs extensive editing. As well as something resembling a format. Right now the narrative is all over the place. Like jedi_exile said, use parenthases to distinguish between dialogue and the narratve. Remember to start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. You might also want to run it through a word processor, if only to help your spelling.

06-12-2006, 06:53 PM
Parenthesis? As in ()? ;) I think you mean quotation marks. But, yes, you definitely need to edit this.

Diego Varen
06-13-2006, 01:44 AM
Or get Hall to edit it...

12-02-2006, 10:35 AM
"sorra i have something to tell you, i had a dream i know how our parents died there nmes were atton rannd and kyle naskin they were best friends but they died fighting with darth kell a sith lord we must go to the east i can get the supplies but u have to supply the ship,we don't have much time".said arvil quickly(these things were done)" i don't like this,i have a feeling of fear and i dont like it at all i want a saber if we're going to the east,i heard they have bomas there and cannoks the traing sabers won't dp much good aganst those"said sorra."fine but u creating yours, i still have my father's saber(he took out a retalliater cylander,pressed the button on it and a cyan blade appeared)said arvil."get me some components for a adept saber i already have a yellow crystal(arvil ran to the meeting chamber and looked inside master windus chair,there was a bag of components there he took them back to sorra so she could create a saber)to be continued...

Anakin Skywalker
12-02-2006, 10:43 AM
I got it, but you may want to edit it.... if you want, i could edit it before you post, to make it a little less confusing for other people

Jae Onasi
12-02-2006, 12:24 PM
Everyone, make sure you're giving critiques, which are meant to be educational, not brutal criticism, which is meant to tear down without being helpful. Also, if one person has pointed out a particular area to improve, it doesn't have to be repeated 25 more times by everyone else.

anakin34--I'm having some trouble following your story because of the punctuation issues--without commas, quote marks and periods, it's very difficult for me to figure out where one sentence ends and where another begins, because I'm not hearing it the way you do. Please avoid chatspeak here--it's too distracting from your story when I see 'u' instead of 'you'. I would recommend spelling everything out here because not all of us are familiar with chatspeak, especially those who speak English as a second language--they don't use the same chatspeak codes. :)

It takes a lot of courage to post a story for everyone to look at, and I encourage you to keep writing. I know you'll get the hang of it really quickly. :)

12-02-2006, 03:48 PM
yeah i'd like could you

12-02-2006, 04:03 PM
"thank you arvil these are very high quality compnents where you get them from"said sorra.
"i does not matter create your saber so we can get the blazers outta here"said arvil.
"fine,fine it'll take me about 3 hours so u should go study a new lightsaber style or something i think you will learn it easy considering how fast you learned the shi-cho style"said sorra.
(arvil went to his favorite place the juma juice bar he did'nt like the academy he had once shared these felling with sorra but she said once we were jedi knights and were partners it would all be worth it.he drunk and drunk until it seemed like he had 30 finger on his left hand.finally sorra contacted him on her comlink)"hello ,hello are you there arvil"said sorra.
"i hear you loud and clear you ready yet?said arvil
"yes im ready to go to the imperial outpost,honey"said sorra
"for a second i thought you said honey sorra,or did you"said arvil
"I did i just thought you'd react differently,arvil"said sorra
"no it's fine but do you think we could do that together"said arvil
"yes but we'll need to focus if we want to come from the outpost with our limbs intact"
"actually im coming to the jedi academy to get you before master koon sees you,over"
to be continued...
:duel: please give feedback :duel:

Anakin Skywalker
12-02-2006, 04:12 PM
Just a suggestion, but why not make the Chapters longer?

But like I said before, It's a good story

12-02-2006, 04:48 PM
i never have that much time

12-02-2006, 05:17 PM
I've never been too obsessed with the length of a chapter, but yeah, you should try to make them somewhat longer, maybe merge two chapters into one. That way your chapters will be longer, but you'll have less of them. Also, please use capitals where they are needed, don't type everything in small letters, it's very difficult to read when it's typed that way. I'm sure you can spare two to three minutes more to do that and you'll get a lot more feedback that way, since more people will be able to read it carefully and understand what you were trying to say. Otherwise, don't get discouraged and keep writing. :)

Anakin Skywalker
12-02-2006, 05:19 PM
igyman, I'm editing his story for him, when he finishes a new chapter, so you won't have to worry about the capitals being "gone"

12-02-2006, 05:35 PM

"I'm coming Sorra," said Arvil to himself as he sprinted to the academy; he quickly made it ,even though his legs were short and stubby.

Back at the academy Sorra was waiting by the "borrowed" ship.

"Must get to hanger bay!" Arvil exclaimed..

Sorra silently thought to herself about life as a non-jedi and being a wife of Arvil then she was interuppted by Arvil's short strides toward her,to her amazment Arvil came in and used the Force to push her into the air and when she came down she was in his arms he gave her a passionate kiss, he then said lets get to this Imperial out of here while heating up the engine to get to hyperspace. please give feedback

12-02-2006, 05:41 PM
im really sorry guys i'm not that good at writing but if i had more time i'd have a great story like you guy's but for now i want to go play some star wars jedi knight jedi academy.

see you guys with a new chapter in about an hour

06-10-2007, 06:23 PM
(deep in space to the east arvil said to sorra) "look i'm sorry about not telling you why we were leaving, the reason is that there are 2 ancient artifacts of the young jedis Atton Rannd your and Kyle Naskin my father".
"look Arvil its nothing and I think we should focus the force and make sure no ones listening to us ( deep silence) since no ones listening to us I need to tell you before we get to this east ' I Love You' ".
" wha... you lov... are you barking up my lightsaber you love me i can believe... but we're supposed to be jedi partners not jedi exile lovers. I can't fathom me and you...are you sure."
" Yes Arvil im positive these past seven years have made me realize i eant a son we could train him the ways of the force then we could be the first jedi family."
" Since you seem so certain I must say I Love You too. but could we at least talk about it after we have the artifacts we need them, also I was just wondering what would you name him."
" I was thinking something like Ferus."
" I like it but like it but we'll need something we don't have credits and a home in a calm place like Dantooine uh uh how about it if we ever make it to the east battlefield. What the hell, we have a engine malfunction we will have to make an unexpected stop in lets see which onderon or korriban i say onderon strap yourself in Sorra we're going for it." :slsaber: TO BE CONTINUED :slsaber:

Jae Onasi
06-12-2007, 12:07 AM
Merged the two story threads together. :)

Here's what I do--I write my story in Word. I spell check, then I select the chapter, copy, and then I paste it in the reply box. Works pretty well for me. :)

If you can give us an idea of what the characters are seeing, feeling, doing, smelling, experiencing, that will help us a lot. I know you can see it in your head, but we can't see it without you giving us all those little details that enrich the story. :) Adding all those details in will also increase the length of your chapters, and I think you'll like your story even better that way.

Diego Varen
06-12-2007, 01:31 AM
I apologise for the lack of critique in your previous Thread. Here I hope to say what I like and dislike.

First, the plot sounds intriguing and I would read this more, if certain improvements are made. I hope that I'm not harsh, but constructive criticism has helped me in the past. Also, I apologise if I've been harsh in this Fan Fic. Here are improvements that could be made:


What is being posted now is to short. In one of your posts, you said that you never have much time. While you don't have to change any schedules, you could write bits during several days and merge what you're posting now together. Even a page in Word is much better than what is being posted at the moment. As Jae said, her method for writing is good and it is one I do. Write, spell check, copy and paste. Word picks up most errors. Alternatively, a beta reader could help you with chapters (even if it isn't Anakin Skywalker who is no longer here).


There is no need to do a space after the speech marks. Captial letters have to be at the beginning of every noun (Name of person, important building) and at the beginning of someone speaking. Some words like love and you don't require a captial letter, unless at the beginning of every sentence. Also, any number should be written, like 2 should be written as two.

Character Development

So far, the characters have a lack of depth to them. As KOTOR fans, we know who Atton is (Rannd is spelt Rand), but who is Sorra, Arvil or Kyle? These characters require a backstory that can grab the reader's attention. Since you said that you played JA, did Jaden's backstory appeal to you? Backstories help make characters interesting and while they don't have to be too long, they can be short just to grab a reader's attention. It sometimes helps me when I'm reading any Fan Fic.


So far, there is lack of description within what you're writing and everything is dialogue. I admit that this is an area that I struggle with still in writing and I sometimes need to cut down on dialogue just to get some description in. As Jae said, details help enrich the story and too much dialogue makes the Fan Fic lopsided. Dialogue is important for characters, but as the writer, you have to take control and write description so these characters can talk, if you know what I mean.

Well that is all I have to say and I would like to take this opportunity to say to Jae, that I apologise for my behaviour in the other thread of anakin34's and thanks for sending me that PM to tell me. I try not to be rude in commenting on any Fan Fic (I don't flame Fan Fics like some people on FanFiction.Net), but sometimes I say more harsh things than I intend to say.

Good luck with writing in the future anakin34.

06-14-2007, 10:05 AM
ok ill use spellcheck on word give me a hour

06-14-2007, 11:03 AM
(In space Avril Naskin and Sorra Rannd rocketing toward the surface of onderan’s merchant corner)
“Ok Sorra we’re in for a struggle so I say we roll dice, to see if we fight them off or try to negotiate” says Arvil . Blue says negotiate. Red says fight. Knowing it would land on blue so Avril used the force to make it red. (Sorra seen this coming so she ignited her yellow lightsaber.) “So that means its times to slaughter, look but we have to avoid using grenades civilian casualties cause a crap load of credits straight to the Jedi”
“That goes without saying lets move out and get ready to battle this could get messy”

(Arvil was screaming while in descent then they hit the surface He felt a surge of forced pain in his legs and upper body)
: Arvil … Arvil…speak to me its me master Jolie… speak:
: Master… I’m not … what… what’s wrong with me …:
: Your merely unconscious… use energy from my mind to make yourself conscious your friend Sorra is fight off mercenary’s left and right:
: (sound of Arvil going in to a deep sleep):
:fire11: To be continued please give feedback :mob: