View Full Version : Tragedy!

03-22-2001, 11:11 PM
latest from The Onion (http://www.theonion.com) (the worlds BEST source of news)


MILTON, MA--Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck.

According to reports, the toy vehicle was racing through a living-room obstacle course--which included a coffee-table-coaster slalom, a cardboard ramp, and a Dixie-cup pyramid--when it swerved out of control and crashed into a Lincoln Log structure, sending the hamster flying through the monster truck's driver-side window and knocking over three nearby Fisher-Price Little People.

The scene quickly devolved into pandemonium, with the launched hamster tumbling humorously in mid-air several times before landing at the foot of the sofa and fleeing in shock. A frantic, living-room-wide search for Harry ensued and, after extensive search efforts behind the sofa, under the recliner, and behind the bookcase, the hamster was found between the vertical blinds and the sliding glass door, shaken but alive.

As of press time, Harry was resting in his cage, his condition described as "skittish but stable."

"This is a tremendous shock," said Bourke next-door neighbor Paula Gates upon learning of the mishap. "Harry is well-liked by all the neighborhood children, and for his life to be jeopardized in this manner is terribly upsetting."

Parental investigators have determined that the toy's two operators, whose names are being withheld due to their ages, successfully navigated the monster truck through the obstacle course numerous times before adding the hamster in an attempt to increase the activity's entertainment value. If found guilty, the boys, 7 and 9, could be sentenced to an evening in their rooms and fines of up to two weeks' allowance.

The accident's cause has been the subject of much debate. While many blame the toy's manufacturer, Playcorp Unlimited, for making a substandard product, others say the monster truck's operators are at fault. Angry at the operators, an unnamed Bourke parent is pressing for a strict ban on the use of family pets in play activities, with a penalty of three days without PlayStation for those found guilty.

Playcorp spokesperson Paul Ionesco expressed "deep dismay" over the crash.

"This is a flagrant and obvious misuse of our product," Ionesco said. "No Playcorp product is intended for the transportation of live cargo, no matter how cute and humorous the spectacle of a little hamster driving along in his little truck may be."

Monday's crash marks the fourth time that Harry, 1, has found himself involved in dangerous play. In October 2000, Harry was placed on the back of family dog Raggles, who ran through several rooms within the house before being stopped by mother Lorraine Bourke. On Feb. 20, he was strapped to an army-man parachute and dropped from a second-story window. Three days later, the hamster was placed inside his glow-in-the-dark run-about ball and pushed down a flight of stairs. Both acts occurred with no parents in the vicinity and were never brought to trial.

Originally posted by Nute Gunray:
Obviously your poor grammar, spelling, and thought processesBOW DOWN BEFORE the Official Forum Pun-isher
Official XWA flight instructor

Nute Gunray
03-22-2001, 11:21 PM
that's better than even the Chuck Wagon crash one!



SAN JOSE, CA--Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw
definitive conclusions, a family dog is widely regarded as the probable cause of the miniature chuck-wagon disaster that
shocked the nation last Wednesday.

According to an FMSA report released Monday, the
crash--which resulted in the deaths of the chuck wagon's
miniature driver and four passengers, as well as the loss of more
than one pound of hearty "Chuck Wagon"-brand gravy-flavored
dog-food cargo and a team of four miniature draft horses--is "in
all likelihood" attributable to the presence of one or more pet
dogs in the kitchen at the time of the accident.

"Preliminary studies of the chuck-wagon wreckage, combined with analysis
of data recovered from the miniscule carriage's 'black box,' strongly suggest that,
unknown to chuck-wagon traffic-controllers monitoring the wagon's progress,
the kitchen was occupied by at least one pet animal, probably a dog, which
pursued and overtook the chuck wagon in the final moments before it vanished
from radar screens," FMSA chief Vincent Renaldo said.

In the 48 hours immediately following the disaster, safety investigators
examined a wide variety of on-site evidence. The chuck wagon's original
fuselage, scattered across an approximate four-tile area of linoleum in the "breakfast nook" region of the kitchen, was
painstakingly reassembled by FMSA investigators in an attempt to better understand the events leading up to the crash.

The rebuilt chuck wagon's key structural elements--particularly the glue-fastened wooden dowels used as tiny spokes in the
load-bearing miniature wagon wheels; the itsy-bitsy swing-axle steering rack; and the teensy-weensy whip used to make the
miniature horsies accelerate in times of danger--were then subjected to a battery of stress tests in an effort to determine whether
equipment failure or driver error was to blame.

While the tests are still not complete, FMSA officials say the discovery of a two-inch "bite radius" breaching the chuck
wagon's hull along the right side indicates severe canine mastication, strongly supporting the dog-attack hypothesis.

"The old saw about how 'The great taste of Chuck Wagon stops dogs in their tracks' has taken on grim new overtones in
light of these findings," Renaldo said.

Though Chuck Wagon Transit Authority officials insist that proper safety procedures were followed during the chuck
wagon's fateful final voyage, a number of dog-food-industry whistleblowers are coming forward in the wake of the crash,
insisting that such a tragedy was inevitable given the CWTA's longtime failure to address serious driver-safety issues.

"This sort of thing happens all the time," said former miniature-chuck-wagon driver Randall "Tex" West, who claims he was
fired by Chuck Wagon Transit after refusing to do any more kitchen runs until the dog problem was addressed. "I can't tell you
how many times a chuck wagon will tear through a kitchen, hell-bent for leather, hootin' and hollerin' to beat the devil, with a
happy, hungry hound right on his tail, just inches behind."

Continued West: "A lot of these drivers consider it kind of a 'macho' thing to see how close they can cut it before zipping
under the kitchen counter into the dog-food bag at the last minute, leaving the puzzled mutt wondering where all them tasty
treats disappeared to. Sure, it seems kind of funny at first, the way the dog looks around and blinks, like it can't figure out
where that old chuck wagon up and went all of a sudden. But when something like this happens, it's a damn shame."

Two-inch-tall wagon-driver Roy "Speedy" Sanders agreed, but noted that thrill-seeking drivers are not the only reason for
the increased risk of accidents. According to Sanders, ever-increasing dog-food delivery quotas leave drivers with no choice
but to speed.

"It's impossible to pull off the typical dog-food-delivery schedule and meet federal safety standards at the same time,"
Sanders said. "Every day, in kitchens across the U.S., drivers run their teams at full gallop through routes that traffic-control
knows damn well are dog-occupied. But the traffic controllers look the other way, because, if they didn't, delivery quotas
would never be met. Drivers whip their teams up to full speed and chance it, hoping either to outrun or out-maneuver the dog,
figuring they can always pivot at the last minute and send the animal sliding across the linoleum if it gets too close. That way,
management is happy, and they get to keep their jobs."

Though Chuck Wagon Transit authorities have cooperated with investigators, the group's official position remains that last
Wednesday's crash was an isolated incident that is in no way symptomatic of a larger safety problem.

FMSA investigators, however, are not so certain.

"The kitchen in question is a well-established nap-zone for a mid-sized mutt named Scruffers, and we have solid evidence
demonstrating that the driver regularly made a practice of exceeding his wagon's per-axle cargo limit by as much as 20 to 30
bite-sized chunks," FMSA special investigator Richard Sobell said. "Dogs like Scruffers can't corner as well as chuck wagons
on your basic no-wax kitchen-tile surfacing; their greater mass gives them more inertia, making it harder for them to turn,
especially if they're running at a full sprint."

"Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, your skilled miniature-wagon-handler can pull it off," said Sobell, looking out over the
crash site. "But that hundredth time? That's the one these hot-shot drivers need to start seriously thinking about."

[This message has been edited by Nute Gunray (edited March 22, 2001).]

Rogue 9
03-22-2001, 11:30 PM
I say we Hang the Perpetrators http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

Leader of 3 Flight
IAN_CDT_Rogue9, RA_Rogue9

03-23-2001, 03:53 PM
The Onion and The Daily Show are the two best sources of news on the Earth.

"Noobies Suck"
Rogue 6

03-23-2001, 04:22 PM
The Daily Show ROCKS! I love Real player. (For all thoses ignorant ppl, I live in the UK and do not get comedy Central http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/frown.gif)

Self proclaimed Forum 90's Dude

'Now, if I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.

03-23-2001, 05:20 PM
Hehe. No South Park for you. Good 'ol American cable. http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

Nute Gunray
03-23-2001, 05:54 PM
"No Playcorp product is intended for the transportation of live cargo, no matter how cute and humorous the spectacle of a little hamster driving along in his little truck may be."


Jabba The Hunt
03-23-2001, 06:05 PM
yeah i havent got time to read the long ones but we do have south park here and milky is right the daily show rocks!!!

"How Long have I got"
"1 hour 57 mins"
"Ill phone you back in 2 hours!"

Psycho Tycho
03-23-2001, 09:04 PM
I watch BattleBots. That show is the bomb!

03-23-2001, 09:13 PM
I a big fan of that show http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb

Psycho Tycho
03-23-2001, 09:17 PM

My favorite BattleBot is Ziggo. He's the coolest.

Nute Gunray
03-23-2001, 09:31 PM
I hate that show.

<a href="http://www.sorc.org/">SORC</a> was the original, and therefore the best.

[This message has been edited by Nute Gunray (edited March 23, 2001).]

Rogue 9
03-24-2001, 12:08 AM
Junkyard Wars http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

Admiral Zaarin
03-24-2001, 12:10 AM
Ever see the pumpkin missile one? That was hilarious.

Psycho Tycho
03-24-2001, 12:11 AM
I don't like Junkyard Wars.

Admiral Zaarin
03-24-2001, 12:17 AM
A lot of them are boring, but there's the occaisional one, like the pumpkin missiles, that have gotten me plain hysterical with laughter....

Rogue 9
03-24-2001, 02:22 AM
did you see the one with the boat, ones engine stoped anf the other rudder broke, that one was funny http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

Admiral Zaarin
03-24-2001, 02:27 AM
No, never saw that one....

03-24-2001, 08:24 PM
Have you seen the british cannons? that is a funny one, or the rockets.

"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb

03-25-2001, 11:05 AM
The British version would be called Scapheap Challenge, I think.

Self proclaimed Forum 90's Dude

'Now, if I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.

Psycho Tycho
03-25-2001, 03:07 PM
I saw the rocket one.

Rogue 9
03-25-2001, 07:57 PM
the Rocket ones were cool http://www.xwingalliance.com/forums/biggrin.gif

03-25-2001, 08:32 PM
Both versions for us are called Junkyard Wars, they don't have different names.

"Dulce bellum inexpertis."
(Sweet is war to those who have never experinced it.) Roman Proverb