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Dagobahn Eagle
01-12-2007, 06:47 PM
This site (http://winace.andkon.com/fundies/) is hysterical.

Fundies say the darndest things! is a project started by the late WinAce, who created the page linked to above. The project was later turned over to a poster ironically nick-named "Yahweh", who at automated it and allowed for rankings, searches and other nifty features. He also founded the child project Conspiracy theorists say the darndest things!" and is also planning a compilation of ridiculous racist statements. His site is here (http://www.fstdt.com/).

Tired of collecting stamps? Start collecting moronic assertions from religious fundamentalists! In these days of Creationism and prayer in public schools, the US ruled by fundamentalists, and religious terrorism striking "everywhere", let's try to have some fun on these wackos' behalf instead of going around gnashing our teeth at them:cool:.

Some true gems, either for their hilarity, ability to induce horror, or sheer idiocy:
Of course they were against freethought, that is a Judeo-Christian principle!Score one for honesty:rofl:!

If the world was burnt to a crisp by a astroid greater than all the nukes in the world. Then the dinosaurs and everything died and nothing could have survived. And astroid this big would also leave a BIG hole somewhere on the earth...there is none. Furthmore, since there is no evidence that the dino-bones weren't burnt to the crisp, then i'd say evolution is in big trouble. Acid rain would have also contaminated the waters and atmosphere, thus, throwing off carbon dating... The big bang?? Eternal universe??? Think about it...Good job squeezing so many errors into one single post.

No But LoTR glorifies the warlocks, the elves and faeries. Those are what the people of the glenns and highlands used to worship before they were brough to Messiah. Believe it or not, people STILL worship Faeries, elves and such. It's a very central part of Pagansim, Wicca and Druidism. The central theme that I find throughout LoTR is that Druidism and Wicca are OK.Be on guard, Tolkien. Rowling could only hold them off for so long. The horde is coming for you once again:eek:!

Last night, I was reading to my two children out of their 'children's bible.' We got to the story of Abraham and Isaac and I read to them about Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac in obedience to God.

When we finished my son, who is 9, looked very distraught. He then asked me the most difficult question that I have ever heard in my life....'Would you do that to me if God asked you to?'

I sat for a moment and fran[t]ically thought of what was best to say. Needless to say, my pause was cause for alarm in his mind.

After a few agonizing moments, I responded with a very slow and distraught...'Yes. If God commanded me to, then I would have no choice but to be obedient; however, I hope that God would never demand such a thing from me.'

He looked shocked. And I felt that I had said the wrong thing. Of course, my wife immediately spoke up and said that she would not ever do anything to hurt him.

But I began to explain myself to him. I told him that he was saved, and that death on this earth brings life in heaven with Jesus. He understood perfectly and then said something amazing. He looked at his mother and said, 'I would rather die and go to heaven and God would be happy with you for obeying Him, than to know that when I died you could go to hell for not doing what you were told.And to think this is probably one of the bigots who are terrified of homosexuals being allowed to raise children as he believes they're not capable of doing so:rolleyes:.

PS: The thread's title quote is from the December 2003 edition of WinAce's original compilation.

Grey Master
01-12-2007, 08:22 PM
Those guys are seriously mentally retarded or plainly stupid.

BongoBob
01-12-2007, 09:31 PM
Reminds me of back in ninth grade, the headline of a Weekly World News read "Satanists plan to bring back Satan to fart on the world."

jon_hill987
01-12-2007, 09:42 PM
I got kicked off www.inthepursuitofgod.com, an IP ban and everything, for trying to point out that most of the bible isn't valid any more. I was not nasty, all of my points were backed up. they started to insult me, they called me stupid for not believing. I was told that when Jesus returned I would realise my mistake and bow before him, to which I replied that even if Jesus did exist I see no reason to worship him. I was told that I would have no choice. So your God has to force people to worship him does he? I said. That doesn't sound very divine.

They even deleted my posts, I think they can't accept the truth.

Titanius Anglesmith
01-12-2007, 09:55 PM
So your God has to force people to worship him does he? I said. That doesn't sound very divine.
No, people won't be forced. They will choose it, as it says, "Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess." Some may choose not to believe that, but....o well.

MrWally
01-12-2007, 10:13 PM
I think they can't accept the truth.

What makes your version of truth any more valid than theirs?

Not to sound like an ass, but in all seriousness... I don't see the validity of that statement.

Samuel Dravis
01-12-2007, 10:19 PM
Personally I think this site really got the dregs of religion. Most people are a little more sensible than that - many I know are much more - regardless of what they believe. It's not really fair to compare those people with the site's examples.

-edits: mkay np

ET Warrior
01-12-2007, 11:14 PM
This isn't the place for religious discussion. This is the place for mocking the overzealous silly people on the internet, whose funny quotes are on that website.

Spider AL
01-13-2007, 01:22 AM
Jon's link inthepursuitofgod.com is almost as hilarious as the "fundies" archive. Particularly...

"God created you to exist beyond this temporal life. He created you for his pleasure, he created you for eternity with him."

... :eyeraise:

Apparently, I was created... for God's pleasure.

I am now starting to worry about what will happen after I die. :¬:

BongoBob
01-13-2007, 01:39 AM
Jon's link inthepursuitofgod.com is almost as hilarious as the "fundies" archive. Particularly...

"God created you to exist beyond this temporal life. He created you for his pleasure, he created you for eternity with him."

... :eyeraise:

Apparently, I was created... for God's pleasure.

I am now starting to worry about what will happen after I die. :¬:

Quick quick, someone photoshop a box of trojan her pleasure condoms >.> <.<

Dagobahn Eagle
01-13-2007, 02:28 PM
Yes, religious discussion is for the Senate Chambers. This thread is for quoting fundamentalists.

God created you to exist beyond this temporal life. He created you for his pleasure, he created you for eternity with him.So he's bisexual after all. Figures. So many homophobes are:D.

[What to do if you have a homosexual friend] "Pray for them, whether they request it or not. Do not be self righteous to them. And whatever you do, NEVER leave small children alone with them."Sometimes people are just so offensive that it's not effective at all, just incredibly funny:rofl:.

Mace MacLeod
01-13-2007, 05:18 PM
Heh...paranoid schizophrenics are funny...

Mercid
01-13-2007, 06:29 PM
Ufo's? The end of the world? Satan?
Sounds like SOMEONE'S been reading "The Taking" by Dean Koontz.

I got kicked off www.inthepursuitofgod.com, an IP ban and everything, for trying to point out that most of the bible isn't valid any more. I was not nasty, all of my points were backed up. they started to insult me, they called me stupid for not believing. I was told that when Jesus returned I would realise my mistake and bow before him, to which I replied that even if Jesus did exist I see no reason to worship him. I was told that I would have no choice. So your God has to force people to worship him does he? I said. That doesn't sound very divine.
Amen to that. :xp:

jon_hill987
01-13-2007, 06:55 PM
What makes your version of truth any more valid than theirs?

Not to sound like an ass, but in all seriousness... I don't see the validity of that statement.

in a word: Evidence. But as ET said, this isn't the place for that argument so enough of that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

More funnies!

http://www.unm.edu/~humanism/socvsjes.htm

some of the answers "Jesus" gives are strangely familiar...

MrWally
01-13-2007, 08:01 PM
http://www.unm.edu/~humanism/socvsjes.htm

some of the answers "Jesus" gives are strangely familiar...


Some of the answers "Jesus" gives were clearly written by someone who has no idea what they're talking about. . . . :/

Spider AL
01-13-2007, 08:43 PM
Heh, actually, it seems pretty a well written skit. I get the impression that the author may have had many conversations with irrational theists... it certainly follows the usual pattern that a conversation with a theist follows.

At least those conversations where they don't immediately consign you to hell and accuse you of being a satanist, that is...

Mercid
01-13-2007, 08:53 PM
I'm not a Satanist!... I'm a heathen. :p

Mace MacLeod
01-13-2007, 08:57 PM
My favourite part:

Socrates: Why if God is all powerful, does he need others to do errands for him?

Jesus: He likes it that way.

jon_hill987
01-13-2007, 09:38 PM
Some of the answers "Jesus" gives were clearly written by someone who has no idea what they're talking about. . . . :/

[edit]retracted

BongoBob
01-13-2007, 11:44 PM
I give this thread until tomorrow before it gets locked.

Dagobahn Eagle
01-14-2007, 08:53 AM
It's still not locked. And it's 13:52 here.
http://www.thepoop.com/1000woofs/images/nyah.jpg

The Story of Hank is worthy of a read, too. Google it.

BongoBob
01-14-2007, 10:04 AM
Thank you jon_hill for editing your post. I'm all for religious discussion, but religious cheapshots don't belong here, they belong in the senate ;)

Dagobahn Eagle
01-14-2007, 11:28 AM
Do dogs sticking their tongues out at you do:p?

[...] Since sin is impossible for [God], it is no more a mark of achievement for him to be free of sin than it is a mark of achievement for a rock to be unable to move:cool:

Acrylic
01-14-2007, 11:55 AM
"[Banning Islam] Sounds like a good idea to me......wish we could do it here."
- cktb2793, RaptureReady

Uhh.... o_0


"People need to stop worrying what Arabs think and start worrying about how to kill them before they kill us."
- Rev Prez, Internet Infidels

Uhh.... o_0


"we need to postpone the elections and move forward with the war on terrorism. next target: syria!"
- BarryG, FreeConservatives

Uhh.... o_0


and lastly...
"We need to focus on Jesus, meditate on Jesus, set out minds on Jesus whenever even the slightest desire to have a sexual fantasy arises."
- Sypher2k3, Christianity.com Forums

Uhh.... o_0



So all I can say is just "Uhh.... o_0" to all those quotes...

Mercid
01-14-2007, 12:08 PM
and lastly...
"We need to focus on Jesus, meditate on Jesus, set out minds on Jesus whenever even the slightest desire to have a sexual fantasy arises."
- Sypher2k3, Christianity.com Forums

Uhh.... o_0
..... :eyeraise: :barf2:

Dagobahn Eagle
01-14-2007, 12:13 PM
"We need to focus on Jesus, meditate on Jesus, set out minds on Jesus whenever even the slightest desire to have a sexual fantasy arises."
- Sypher2k3, Christianity.com Forums:rofl:
I love this one, too. The question that springs to mind is "so you think about Jesus when you masturbate?":D.

Others I love is the ones that try to disprove tree-ring dating, for Ark myth purposes. *** Post of the Week for January 19-25, 2003 ***

"You can’t tell the age of a tree by it’s rings. The tree doesn’t know how long a year is."
- Bettawrekonize, CreationTalk":rofl:" times 2.

On the other hand, there are some frightening ones in there, too:

*** Post of the Month for April 2003 ***

"Last night, I was reading to my two children out of their 'children's bible.' We got to the story of Abraham and Isaac and I read to them about Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac in obedience to God.

When we finished my son, who is 9, looked very distraught. He then asked me the most difficult question that I have ever heard in my life....'Would you do that to me if God asked you to?'

I sat for a moment and franically thought of what was best to say. Needless to say, my pause was cause for alarm in his mind.

After a few agonizing moments, I responded with a very slow and distraught...'Yes. If God commanded me to, then I would have no choice but to be obedient; however, I hope that God would never demand such a thing from me.'

He looked shocked. And I felt that I had said the wrong thing. Of course, my wife immediately spoke up and said that she would not ever do anything to hurt him.

But I began to explain myself to him. I told him that he was saved, and that death on this earth brings life in heaven with Jesus. He understood perfectly and then said something amazing. He looked at his mother and said, 'I would rather die and go to heaven and God would be happy with you for obeying Him, than to know that when I died you could go to hell for not doing what you were told.'"
- Bone_Mender, RaptureReady:eek:
All I can say is, "poor kid". Unfortunately, the thread the quote is taken from no longer exists, and as such I'll never know what the replies were. It'd be interesting to know.

As a side note, frighteningly enough, they are sometimes right. One attributed (without evidence) a powerful natural wind to the parting of the Red Sea. Of course he pulled it out of thin air, but as luck would have it, there are actually scientists who claim that if a powerful enough wind blew through the area, it could have displaced enough water to allow for Moses and his refugees to cross the sea safely.

jon_hill987
01-14-2007, 01:21 PM
As a side note, frighteningly enough, they are sometimes right. One attributed (without evidence) a powerful natural wind to the parting of the Red Sea. Of course he pulled it out of thin air, but as luck would have it, there are actually scientists who claim that if a powerful enough wind blew through the area, it could have displaced enough water to allow for Moses and his refugees to cross the sea safely.

Popular scientific theory suggests that a large tsunami is a more likely cause for the parting of the red sea.

Titanius Anglesmith
01-14-2007, 03:06 PM
Yea, a huge wind came blustering through at the exact moment when they needed it. It split the sea open enough for Moses and the refugees to get through and at the moment they were all through, the wind suddenly stopped and drowned all their enemies. Wow, luck was on there side that day, eh?

Dagobahn Eagle
01-14-2007, 03:08 PM
They're just saying it's an explanation. But yes, it is possible. In a world where things such as this (http://www.snopes.com/luck/choir.htm) happens, everything is possible:p.

MrWally
01-14-2007, 03:31 PM
They're just saying it's an explanation. But yes, it is possible. In a world where things such as this (http://www.snopes.com/luck/choir.htm) happens, everything is possible:p.


Oh wow... I heard that story a few years back, but I figured it was either twisted or misinterpreted, or just plain false.


That's amazing.

jon_hill987
01-14-2007, 03:44 PM
In a world where things such as this (http://www.snopes.com/luck/choir.htm) happens, everything is possible:p.

I wonder if anyone said that God saved them by making them all late?
Seems to me it would be easier for God to save them simply by not letting the building blow up but they do say he works in mysterious ways...



It is impossible to calculate precise odds for all these events occurring at once. But past performance indicated that each person would be late for practice one time in four - producing a one-in-a-million chance that the entire choir would be late that night.

Every Wizard knows one-in-a-million chances crop up nine time out of ten - Terry Pratchett

Dagobahn Eagle
01-14-2007, 04:52 PM
So we've gone from bashing religious fundamentalism to admiring stories about exploding churches. Hmmm...

(:p)

Spider AL
01-14-2007, 06:02 PM
Inexorably, yet smoothly, we move... back on topic!

"The parting of the Red Sea? Must have been a really windy day, that's all. Wood staffs turned into snakes? Well, there must be a perfectly naturalistic explanation - apparently, trees evolved into snakes."

Douglas J. Bender, Internet Infidels [Comments (0)] [2002-Nov-01]

A classic two-pronged attack! He skewers both evolution and meteorology with one deft strike.

-

"No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims."

Trinidad and Tobago, CARM [Comments (138)] [2006-Oct-01]

Well, if you say so... Allahu Akbar. :confused:

-

And finally, from RaptureReady.com's environmental FAQ:

"By only addressing the symptoms of man's misdeeds, environmentalists are doing nothing to correct the root problem: sin. Without the transforming power of Jesus Christ, the environment will be resigned to its determined fate.

God has given fair warning about how the transgression of His law will lead to wide-scale judgment. If environmentalists wanted to do some lasting good, they would be wise to devote their energy to evangelizing lost souls.

Even nature itself is under the curse of sin. When Adam fell, the animal world fell with him. As much as we like our cuddly creatures, we should never forget their fallen state. One guy who failed to realize this fact ended up getting killed by a bear he was trying to save."

... Sinful the Bear strikes again.

Ray Jones
01-15-2007, 04:54 AM
A wind parting the red sea? Well, granted, that's possible, but seriously, a wind strong enough to do that would have left zero chance for anybody to walk through it. I mean, one can hardly walk (especially over the slickery-ick-ish remains on the ground of an ocean which disappeared just one second ago..) when wind speeds go above 40-50km/h, but these are not anywhere near being able to part an ocean. Also, when winds are strong enough do this, the less concerning thing is the definitely the approaching enemy.

Dagobahn Eagle
01-15-2007, 07:11 AM
"No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims."
Where's that blue "someone said something outrageous"-smiley when I -- oh, here we go: http://64.20.36.214/lucasforums.com/images/smilies/eek7.gif

Acrylic
01-15-2007, 01:15 PM
Where's that blue "someone said something outrageous"-smiley when I -- oh, here we go: http://64.20.36.214/lucasforums.com/images/smilies/eek7.gif

I found that quote the funniest, because to me, I don't know a religion that stresses the fact that there is a God. Ya know, with the praying 5 times a day, and saying "Allahu Akbar" quite a few times while praying.

Well, like the site says, "Fundies say the darndest things!" :p

jon_hill987
01-15-2007, 02:42 PM
http://winace.andkon.com/fundies/fstdt_jun04.htm#topic_month

That one really cracked me up.

God wants us to cover our body no matter where you at

If god wanted you to cover up your body no matter what why was he so upset when he found Adam and Eve wearing leaves?

Dagobahn Eagle
01-15-2007, 03:02 PM
July 2003:I don't give a rat's ass about Occam's Razor. That's just another idol people worship.
Or it's an expression referring to how the easiest explanation is often the best.

Mean ole WinAce appears to have mis-quoted a Christian. Aw-w:Still haven't overcome your irritating tendency towards silly juvenile mockery, have you? For the (?) time, it was ONE demon on the roof, and it was merely WALKING.:rofl:

Seen any wizards lining up near the Polish border?Why isn't the Vatican denouncing Harry Potter books? Same reason they didn't have the guts to denounce Hilter...

And here's the nuttiest Biblical interpretation of the year:Post 1: Now with all that out of the way; was BURNING SODOMITES ALIVE, a loving thing?... YES. The BURNING ALIVE OF THE SODOMITES WAS A LOVING THING!!! GOD is love, correct? If you don't believe me, go read 1 John right now... So when HE burns alive all the Sodomites the core of that action is love. YES, tough love, but none the less love.

Post 2: Yes, Miss 'A', the burning of the sodomites was a violent act. GOD sometimes is violent (see the flood in Gen.). This is what I'm trying to get at. We have made GOD into a Dancing Bunny that just sits up in heaven bouncing and dancing and throwing candy all around HIM. Uhhh, you obviously got the wrong concept!

Post 3: I think one of the reasons why Christians are so 'obsessed' with this subject is because their agenda is being shoved down our throats. They want to be recognized as equals as far as man and wife are concerned and that goes against God's Word.

Post 4: 1. I'm not as preoccupied by homoSEXuality, as I am THE LACK AND ABSENCE OF THE WRATH OF GOD in our modern day Church.
2. WHY CAN'T MOST OF YOU SEE LOVE IN THE BURNING OF SODOMITES???The last all-caps line was better than all the other bullocks combined:D.

Dagobahn Eagle
02-08-2007, 05:34 PM
Bump: Fundie wants Christ to return because... his children are reading the Bible!

[Person not understanding the fact that the pictures they're objectioning to from the "Brick Testament" parody site are just illustrations of what their own bible talks about.]

How sick and evil. I don't care what the reason is for these pictures, they are disgusting and sick. How dare they put this vile stuff in a book and call it the Bible. I don't want to be the one before the Lord explaining that one. Obviously this person does not have the fear of the Lord in him!

My daughter sent me this email saying "best site ever"...she had bought the series for a Christian friend and her little girl...hmmm [...]

[Links to a scenes depicting bestiality, sexual discharges, and homosexuality]

I won't go on. I emailed my daughter back...I mean REALLY! ABOMINATION! What ever my daughter bought for her Christian friend I hope it didn't have this in it! When I noticed the "ratings"...I thought at first it meant that that part of the bible dealt with sexual topics, language, etc. NOT THAT IT WAS GRAPHIC WARNINGS IN A CHILDRENS BIBILE SERIES!!!

Come Lord Jesus before the innocent children are tainted even further. They need you Jesus, we are a corrupt, depraved and sinful generation. For YOUR names sake, return and restore all things! Amen!Source (http://www.fstdt.com/bottom.asp?month=6&year=2005)

Beware the Bible, children, it's the work of S_tan.