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Dath Maximus
08-23-2008, 03:03 PM
So I've been thinking lately, there arent enough swanky jobs out there in the world, so I researched a few concepts that don't seem to have a huge job basis. And the result was me making several jobs for people to work for. Here are a few I've done so far, more will no doubt follow.


Bear trainer
Do you like animals? How about people? If you said yes to either both or the first one, than you will no doubt like animals as big as or bigger than people! While still a relatively small job base, the amazing world of bear training is open and ready for you to step forward and work with those cuddly, disturbingly strong, giant carnivores!

Essential job functions:
• Being locked in a confined space with a large, possibly feral bear for prolonged periods of time.
• Disciplining naughty bears by swatting their nose with a stick
• Wrestling
• Feeding bears by hand
• Cleaning up after bears

Minimum job requirements:
• Elementary education preferred but not required
• Love of animals
• Ability to curl into a ball and remain still for long periods of time
• High threshold for pain
• A fully prepared last will and testament
• Preferably single

Benefits:
• Ability to work with the gentle giants known as bears
• Comprehensive health plan (box of bandaids)
• Discounted fish
• Awesome stories
• 401k/Savings plan

Mime
The amazing world of the street mime is ready to take you places, in the quietest possibly way. Do you want the chance to scream your name to the world without saying a word? Than miming is the perfect decision.

Essential job functions:
• Doing awkward gestures in public
• Making clowns look bad
• Losing all self respect
• Entertaining drunks, hippies, and confusing children and the elderly
• Training bears in the art of mime

Minimum job requirements:
• PHD minimum in performing arts
• Dislike of color
• Knowledge of the invisible arts
• Ability to look like you’re lifting hundreds of pounds
• Love of bears
• A fan of the hit 80’s band Europe

Benefits:
• Awesome street cred
• Comprehensive health plan (invisible medication)
• A hat that may cause others to question your sanity
• Bo staff skills
• 401k/Savings plan


Clown
Children and people in general anger you? Why not give them unending nightmares by becoming a clown? Inspiring fear and creepiness is a noble business for those with blackened souls. Be a clown, spread some fear.

Essential job functions:
• Balloon animals
• Making children and most adults cry
• Stalking
• Ruining all that is good and pure in the world
• Cleaning up after clown bears

Minimum job requirements:
• No soul
• Pact with the devil
• Love of ABBA
• Ability to wear possibly irritating make up
• Hatred of people
• A small car

Benefits:
• Eroding the human soul
• A cool red nose
• Numerous restraining orders and death threats
• 401k/Savings plan


Clown Assassin
The clown epidemic is worse than ever, and Mimes can only do so much to combat those creepy clowns. The world needs you to step up and proclaim “We will not go quietly into the night!” Grab your best weapon, and become the champion of freedom!

Essential job functions:
• Killing clowns
• Inspiring people to live noble lives
• Teaming up with Mimes to combat clowns
• Feeding bears by hand
• Cleaning up clown bodies

Minimum job requirements:
• Love of freedom
• Love of kittens
• Weapon skills
• Military training preferred but not required

Benefits:
• The chance to be seen as a hero with possible stories told for centuries to come of your bravery
• Comprehensive health plan (everything)
• Fame and fortune
• Dates with supermodels
• Your own movie with an A list celebrity to portray you
• 401k/Savings plan

RoxStar
08-23-2008, 03:31 PM
Toilet Tester

Essential job functions

Love of reading 20 years old Calvin and Hobbes comics. On the john.
Ability to consume large amounts of bread


Minimum job requirements:

Human body ;)


Benefits:

Never again have to tell someone "I don't have much time for reading"

tk102
08-23-2008, 04:00 PM
http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/9630/13403vp2.jpgExcuse me Dath, uh... a just little correction there. Bears are actually omnivores. You uh... you mentioned they were carnivores earlier and err... I just like to set the record straight for any potential job applicants. They do eat berries and honeycomb and things so... okay.

leXX
08-23-2008, 04:08 PM
Sod the jobs, where the hell are the cheap Nikes?

DarthAve
08-23-2008, 05:42 PM
Dath, don't be a clown you will kill kids, I can feel it.

TiE23
08-23-2008, 06:08 PM
Internet Shoe Store Salesman (Web Forum Division)
Do you spend all day on the internet? Do you have multiple email accounts? Do you know how to type poorly? Are you fluent in English, Spanish, French, Swahili, Chinese, Esperanto, and at least two dead languages? If you answered 'yes' to any three of those four questions, then you can be an Internet Shoe Store Salesman (Web Forum Division)!

Essential job functions:
• Googling for active web bulletin boards
• Signing up for multiple forums and then posting
• Discretely and casually mentioning your company's products and websites
• Provide informative and polite answers to questions about potential customers
• Doing this about 50 time an hour, 9 hours a day out of your own home!

Minimum job requirements:
• Ability to sign up for temporary email accounts
• Discretion when mentioning our products and our website, you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb
• "can be speak english good very"
• General knowledge of computers and the internet
• Emotional integrity when getting banned

Benefits:
• Wait, what?

Det. Bart Lasiter
08-23-2008, 10:18 PM
tie yours was a shell of the original and you should feel bad about it

Tyrion
08-23-2008, 10:19 PM
You need a soul to feel guilty, though. Tie sold his a long time ago for, ironically, shiny new Nike shoes.

Dath Maximus
08-24-2008, 01:24 AM
http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/9630/13403vp2.jpgExcuse me Dath, uh... a just little correction there. Bears are actually omnivores. You uh... you mentioned they were carnivores earlier and err... I just like to set the record straight for any potential job applicants. They do eat berries and honeycomb and things so... okay.

i banged your mom

TiE23
08-24-2008, 04:36 AM
tie yours was a shell of the original and you should feel bad about it

Seriously? Isn't that the point? To use the original as a template? What the **** is wrong with you? At least I spent the time ****ing sitting at my computer for 5 minutes before coming up with that "job" and then writing about it for another 5. Then what, for trying I get a half-assed diss that really doesn't make any damn sense? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? O RLY? YA RLY. NO WAI! :V


Anyway, I wonder if I was special when I caught this... Prnt Scrn'd and F5'd, and it's gone. Do I win a prize? And is it true? *Looks at Dath* Or was this up for 6 hours and I just made myself look stupid? Anyway, just incase:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v123/Tie23/th_DathRevelation.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v123/Tie23/DathRevelation.jpg)



lol, i luvs you jmac, tho rite now i wana smack u

tk102
08-24-2008, 04:42 AM
Anyway, I wonder if I was special when I caught this... Sweet truth.

Dath Maximus
08-24-2008, 05:31 AM
you know how you can tell that i didnt say that?

it has proper grammar

Det. Bart Lasiter
08-24-2008, 05:34 AM
Sweet truth.that stoffe's a kooky one!

Rogue15
08-24-2008, 10:18 PM
this thread made my night. :) esp Tie's post.

GeneralPloKoon
08-24-2008, 11:31 PM
I don't care for shoes...

Dath Maximus
08-24-2008, 11:48 PM
I don't care for shoes...

well you're a whore, and from oklahoma, and as someone who was born and grew up in kansas, i know how whorish oklahoma is

Anthony
08-25-2008, 12:19 AM
I don't care for shoes...

Just wait until you have to go outside one day. They get pretty important

Det. Bart Lasiter
08-25-2008, 01:08 AM
what about flip flops or sandals or semen encrusted socks?

Anthony
08-25-2008, 01:26 AM
well personally i usually wear rubber flippers

IG-64
08-25-2008, 02:08 AM
Essential job functions:
• Being locked in a confined space with a large, possibly feral woman for prolonged periods of time.
• Disciplining naughty women by swatting their nose with a stick
• Wrestling
• Feeding women by hand
• Cleaning up after women

Minimum job requirements:
• Elementary education preferred but not required
• Love of animals
• Ability to curl into a ball and remain still for long periods of time
• High threshold for pain
• A fully prepared last will and testament
• Preferably single

Benefits:
• Ability to work with the gentle giants known as women
• Comprehensive health plan (box of bandaids)
• Discounted fish
• Awesome stories
• 401k/Savings plan
Fixed. Now I'm interested.

Det. Bart Lasiter
08-25-2008, 02:16 AM
i was gonna post a picture of some big ugly dyke but my google image search for big ugly dykes yielded no good results so just imagine a picture of a big ugly dyke here.

Boba Rhett
08-25-2008, 02:34 AM
This being one of Dath's threads, I was already doing so.

The Seeker
08-25-2008, 03:35 AM
i was gonna post a picture of some big ugly dyke but my google image search for big ugly dykes yielded no good results so just imagine a picture of a big ugly dyke here.

http://newsbusters.org/static/2007/11/2007-11-05Rosie.jpg

Found one

Kjψlen
08-25-2008, 05:17 AM
osnap
Seeker's treading on some dangerous ice here. Those things are known for uncontrollable emotional outbursts that can leave a male's penal facilities horribly mutilated.

Dath Maximus
08-25-2008, 09:42 AM
This being one of Dath's threads, I was already doing so.

me too...

The Seeker
08-26-2008, 12:15 AM
osnap
Seeker's treading on some dangerous ice here. Those things are known for uncontrollable emotional outbursts that can leave a male's penal facilities horribly mutilated.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v109/jediknight_114/Batmanantilesbianspray.jpg

RoxStar
08-26-2008, 12:22 AM
i was gonna post a picture of some big ugly dyke but my google image search for big ugly dykes yielded no good results so just imagine a picture of a big ugly dyke here.

Let's not let these forums turn into a ****hole please...

Lady Jedi
08-26-2008, 02:59 AM
I don't care for shoes...

Wow! That is some really amazing input there, Koony. I want to be just as full of useful amazingness as you are when I grow up. :thumbsup:

And, RoxStar, quick question for ya: You do realize that this is the Swamp correct? And that this one little thread of hilarity will not be the factor to turn this into a ****hole, right? Mmkay. :D

IG-64
08-26-2008, 06:35 AM
And, RoxStar, quick question for ya: You do realize that this is the Swamp correct? And that this one little thread of hilarity will not be the factor to turn this into a ****hole, right? Mmkay. :D
That's what Dath wants you to think. I know his secret plans.

Dath Maximus
08-26-2008, 06:52 AM
That's what Dath wants you to think. I know his secret plans.


you can not fathom the scope of my plans

The Seeker
08-26-2008, 11:47 PM
*fathoms the scope of Dath's plans.*

oh ho ho, smells like someone just got burned.

Tyrion
08-27-2008, 12:29 AM
*fathoms the scope of Dath's plans.*

oh ho ho, smells like someone just got burned.

The fact that you're speaking in English means you're a liar.

Those who fathom Dath's plans and live to tell about it, tell about it only in tongues no sane man can derive a meaning from.

Interesting fact: those tongues have a vague similarity to Mexican Spanish.

Dath Maximus
08-27-2008, 09:28 AM
The fact that you're speaking in English means you're a liar.

Those who fathom Dath's plans and live to tell about it, tell about it only in tongues no sane man can derive a meaning from.

Interesting fact: those tongues have a vague similarity to Mexican Spanish.

tru dat

my plans were set into motion eons ago, and everything is hurtling toward a path which i have forseen and orchestrated across space and time

Ray Jones
08-27-2008, 09:41 AM
bwahaa dath's plans are usually nothing but precisely timed failure protocols

Dath Maximus
08-27-2008, 12:34 PM
bwahaa dath's plans are usually nothing but precisely timed failure protocols

hey now, one of my plans was the seperation of the protestant church and the catholic church

it seems to be working still

leXX
08-27-2008, 02:53 PM
Wasn't that Henry VIII? Mind you, you do look like him...

Rogue Nine
08-27-2008, 02:59 PM
so what did everyone get me for my birthday

IG-64
08-27-2008, 03:13 PM
I got you this:

http://img125.imageshack.us/img125/4927/067440341x01lzzzzzzzsw6.jpg

Ray Jones
08-27-2008, 03:18 PM
dath here wants to be your slave boi Niner

BongoBob
08-27-2008, 04:11 PM
Dath you lying whore, you said more would surely follow.

Tyrion
08-27-2008, 05:13 PM
Wasn't that Henry VIII? Mind you, you do look like him...

Yes, it's Henry VIII if that's what you call Martin Luther.

:indif:

BongoBob
08-27-2008, 05:29 PM
Well I personally call him Sir Gareth Gobelcaque.

Darth InSidious
08-27-2008, 05:56 PM
What an odd name for him.

Personally, I call him the cause of every mild discomfort-to-massive evil to have occurred in the last thousand years. Try it, it works.

Kjψlen
08-27-2008, 06:27 PM
Yes, it's Henry VIII if that's what you call Martin Luther.

:indif:

Martin Luther? Try LEX LUTHOR:

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t64/Coyoteesharptongue/lex-luthor-wrong1.jpg

You seem, Martin Luthor only wanted to reform the church, not split from it. Reformists were still considered, albeit loosely, part of the church. Henry VIII did an actual splitting, using Martin Luther's ideals.

BongoBob
08-27-2008, 06:41 PM
IT'S SIR GARETH GOBELCAQUE DAMNIT!!!

leXX
08-27-2008, 06:50 PM
Yes, it's Henry VIII if that's what you call Martin Luther.

:indif:

No, I call him Henry VIII.

GeneralPloKoon
08-27-2008, 06:55 PM
well you're a whore, and from oklahoma, and as someone who was born and grew up in kansas, i know how whorish oklahoma is

Riiight,i'll pretend I didn't hear that.... What I mean I don't care for shoes is I don't care what they look like. As long as they aren't pink.

Tyrion
08-27-2008, 07:32 PM
Martin Luther? Try LEX LUTHOR:

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t64/Coyoteesharptongue/lex-luthor-wrong1.jpg

You seem, Martin Luthor only wanted to reform the church, not split from it. Reformists were still considered, albeit loosely, part of the church. Henry VIII did the actual splitting, using Martin Luther's ideals.

If you're considering Reformists as still part of the Catholic Church, then so was Henry VIII and the Anglican Church (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_viii)

Although some claim he became a Protestant on his death-bed, he advocated Catholic ceremony and doctrine throughout his life;

And from the page on the Church of England (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_England):

The Church of England considers itself to be both Catholic and reformed:

Ergo, either Martin Luther split the Catholic Church through his attempts at reformation, or protestants(Anglican, at least) could be considered Catholic as reform alone isn't enough.

Kjψlen
08-27-2008, 07:37 PM
Would you claim to be a student of Michigan Tech if you were not accepted? Reformists were Catholics so long as the Catholic church allowed them to be. King Henry could claim to be God, Satan, and a green Pikachu for all the truth it would be.

(Lol, religious war.)

Tyrion
08-27-2008, 07:40 PM
Would you claim to be a student of Michigan Tech if you were not accepted? Reformists were Catholics so long as the Catholic church allowed them to be. King Henry could claim to be God, Satan, and a green Pikachu for all the truth it would be.

(Lol, religious war.)

I would follow King Henry VIII if he claimed to be a green Pikachu. It would either mean he had a sense of humor, or at least was openly insane. Honesty in a politician, especially in one I can't vote for, is important.

Pie™
08-27-2008, 07:41 PM
Time to get this thread back on track.







http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j118/nall_1/Awesome.png

IG-64
08-27-2008, 07:45 PM
This thread has a track?

BongoBob
08-27-2008, 07:49 PM
It's on fire.

Darth InSidious
08-27-2008, 07:56 PM
Ergo, either Martin Luther split the Catholic Church through his attempts at reformation, or protestants(Anglican, at least) could be considered Catholic as reform alone isn't enough.

And perhaps the Anglicans are trying to have their cake and eat it... after it's bolted.

IG-64
08-27-2008, 08:19 PM
I just made this

http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/9753/awesome3wq5.gif

BongoBob
08-27-2008, 08:41 PM
Needs moar fast for OMGWTFSEIZURE.

Lady Jedi
08-27-2008, 11:49 PM
Riiight,i'll pretend I didn't hear that.... What I mean I don't care for shoes is I don't care what they look like. As long as they aren't pink.


You fail at random threads. :fist: Also, you're queer. Seriously, dude, pink shoes? :p


Now to get back on topic: PINEAPPLES!!!! shock1

Boba Rhett
08-28-2008, 12:07 AM
I had pineapple once. I also once ate some pineapple.


...



http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/images/smilies/psyduck.gif

IG-64
08-28-2008, 12:24 AM
Look! Psyduck's getting a headache!

It's every episode of Pokιmon!

BongoBob
08-28-2008, 12:27 AM
http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/5192/sensezl5.jpg

Da_man
08-28-2008, 12:43 AM
http://lucasforums.com/picture.php?albumid=41&pictureid=1634

Jeff
08-28-2008, 12:55 AM
http://i34.tinypic.com/4qoa3d.jpg ITT Awesome threadpix

Tyrion
08-28-2008, 01:40 AM
http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/5192/sensezl5.jpg

"Vader, you have in front of you two water jugs, one holds 5 gallons of water and one holds 3 gallons of water. You need to put precisely 4 gallons of water on this scale within ten minutes or else the Death Star blows up."

Ten minutes pass.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

BongoBob
08-28-2008, 02:07 AM
If you feelin like a pimp n***a go on brush yo shouldas off, ladies is pimps too go on brush yo shoulda's off...

>.> <.<

*afro*

Boba Rhett
08-28-2008, 02:17 AM
That is all.

tk102
08-28-2008, 02:18 AM
"Vader, you have in front of you two water jugs, one holds 5 gallons of water and one holds 3 gallons of water. You need to put precisely 4 gallons of water on this scale within ten minutes or else the Death Star blows up."

Irresitible...
Fill 5-gal jug.
Pour 5-gal jug into 3-gal jug until full, leaving 2 gals in 5-gal jug.
Pour out 3-gal jug.
Pour remaining 2 gals into 3-gal jug
Refill 5-gal jug
Pour 5-gal jug into 3-gal jug until full.
4-gal remains in 5-gal jug.

More irresitible
http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/9012/dathcolorjz3.gif
I feel dirty for spending time making this.

BongoBob
08-28-2008, 02:21 AM
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k210/spademallard/jayz99problems.jpg

Boba Rhett
08-28-2008, 02:35 AM
Also,

Fill 3-gal jug
Pour 3-gal jug into 5-gal jug
Fill 3-gal jug
Pour 3-gal jug into 5-gal jug, leaving 1-gal in 3-gal jug
Pour out 5-gal jug
Pour 3-gal jug into 5-gal jug
Fill 3-gal jug
Pour 3-gal jug into 5-gal jug

Tyrion
08-28-2008, 02:51 AM
Tk102 and Rhett, you both have correct solutions, but you failed to present them while being as badass as Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson.

Ergo, I'll blow your planet up. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zZ6GqIKfv8)

BongoBob
08-28-2008, 04:24 AM
Ok, wtf. FIXEDCLICK (http://www.gamesradar.com/xbox360/f/rock-band-dlc-breakdown/a-2008082011454853092/g-20080630152425979007)

They review the now delayed Rush - Moving Pictures Album DLC for rock band. Except they're twats about it. In regards to YYZ: "Guitar: The tempo feels a little uneven, like the notes are slightly slower than the rest of the song. Also a lot of keyboarding that could have been converted into guitar notes. **" WTF? Why chart keyboard notes into the guitar. Also, uneven tempo? Isn't that the point of the guitars on this song?

Anyhow, just needed to vent. Now back off/on topic.
http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/8125/wtftz5.jpg

Boba Rhett
08-28-2008, 04:28 AM
Boob pyshics?! Where was THAT college class when I needed it.

Ray Jones
08-28-2008, 05:05 AM
recent picture of dath:
http://www.costumes.org/tara/photoalbum/alicerocky99/MVC-027F.JPG

Darth InSidious
08-28-2008, 07:43 AM
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c7/LilyElsie2.jpg/250px-LilyElsie2.jpg
Darth Ave's holiday.

Ray Jones
08-28-2008, 08:34 AM
looks doable

Dath Maximus
08-28-2008, 09:14 AM
http://lucasforums.com/picture.php?albumid=41&pictureid=1634

if you ever clutter my thread with crap like that again, no one will ever find your body

That is all.

ave eats souls as she dances

Irresitible...
More irresitible
http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/9012/dathcolorjz3.gif
I feel dirty for spending time making this.


you sir get to live for one more day because of that honor you have bestowed upon me

recent picture of dath:
http://www.costumes.org/tara/photoalbum/alicerocky99/MVC-027F.JPG

theres no beard, so its obviously not me

Ray Jones
08-28-2008, 09:52 AM
pffff you cluttered it over with tons of make up

Kain
08-28-2008, 10:43 AM
A thread that got hijacked without me. I feel...empty.

Meh, then again, it was one of Dath's. Doomed from the start. Much like his would be master plans that nobody can comprehend. Maybe if he didn't write like a 3 year old with Parkinson's...

(There, I fixed it)

Ray Jones
08-28-2008, 10:49 AM
this thread ain't hijacked believe me

IG-64
08-28-2008, 11:01 AM
A thread that got hijacked without me. I feel...empty.

Meh, then again, it was one of Dath's. Doomed from the start. Much like his would be master plans that nobody can comprehend. Maybe if he didn't right like a 3 year old with Parkinson's...
Ha! Never spell things rong when you're trying to insult someone.

Dath Maximus
08-28-2008, 11:20 AM
my threads can't be hijacked, mainly cause i steer them into the chaos that ensues

Det. Bart Lasiter
08-28-2008, 11:23 AM
so what did everyone get me for my birthdaythe gift of me forcing myself on you if i ever see you at otacon it's good because there's no expiration on it like some ****ty gift card

BongoBob
08-28-2008, 01:45 PM
Lol I posted the wrong link. It does prove that the 360 has better fake boob simulation, ergo, it beats the PS3 :p

EDIT: Fixed link.

Kjψlen
08-29-2008, 03:12 AM
LEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIIIINS.

http://cache.kotaku.com/images/2006/05/leeroy_Final.jpg

Kain
08-29-2008, 04:16 AM
Ha! Never spell things rong when you're trying to insult someone.

The irony here is so obviously faked. Although, I think I appreciate the attempt.

Mind you, good sir, if I'm typing - I'm drunk.

MrWally
08-30-2008, 08:47 PM
My goodness. I read the first few posts of this thread a while back and decided I wasn't interested.

Today I thought I'd give it another shot.

...


O.o

Kain
08-31-2008, 06:57 AM
Thats nice Wally. And yet, still so unimportant.

MrWally
08-31-2008, 01:11 PM
Which is why I posted it in one of Dath's threads, of course.

Pie™
08-31-2008, 06:12 PM
Disclaimer: The language in this .gif might be unsuitable for minors and god-fearing christians. Also, welcome to the internets. (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v42/MMMPIE/9G0NwPubGcpa9fitdExElLGp_400.gif)

leXX
08-31-2008, 08:42 PM
LEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIIIINS.

http://cache.kotaku.com/images/2006/05/leeroy_Final.jpg

At least I've got chicken.