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TriggerGod
09-26-2008, 07:33 PM
(There will be choices at the end of most chapters)

Chapter 1 - A Whole New Life

Anakin survived by becoming Vader. Obi-Wan survived by jumping into a pit. Rahm Kota survived by not using clones. Yoda and Shaak Ti survived by be great using a saber and The Force. This is the story of a Clone Wars general named Komo Ramadus who went from being at the top of his game, on the front lines on Coruscant, to being a Refugee on Nar Shaddaa.

Ramadus was a knight until recently, being knighted before the Jedi and Clones went to Geonoisis, where Ramadus followed. Ramadus is a master Force and Lightsaber user, able to use both simultaneously. 2 years after the beginning of the Clone Wars, Ramadus was promoted to a knight. Not on the council yet, Ramadus went on many missions. His lightsaber was a strange one as well. Looked like it was meant for a Sith. But he claimed he wasn't falling to the dark side. In actuality, Ramadus was sent on stealth and espionage missions. The hum of his lightsaber would give his location away instantly, so, he designed his lightsaber - after being knighted - to have 4 sharp edges around the emitter. The spikes had a special chemical that not only stops all internal organ's functions, but, circuitry as well. These spikes would later become something much more...
This story starts on his last mission of the Clone Wars; search the jungle moon Dxun for Confederates.
Ramadus had taken his group through the forest, eventually getting to an abandoned Mandalorian Base, used during the Mandalorian Wars, and during the First Jedi Purge.

While rummaging through a pile of junk, the Clones received Order 66. Ramadus knew something was wrong...
Ramadus jumped into the air, moments before the Clones started shooting him. He lands, and stabs his spikes into a Clone's back, while easily penetrated the armor, as planned. The spikes injected the chemical, which almost instantly killed off the trooper. The other clones were aiming at him, while Ramadus was holding the dead trooper in his hands, as a human shield. He pushed the body into another trooper, causing surprise. Ramadus activated his lightsaber and dispatched the other troopers. This was bad. Ramadus was trapped on a moon without a ship (The Clones operated the ship), and, the planet was swarming with Clones, all probably rushing towards the location of the base. How was he gonna get off of Dxun?

Ramadus runs toward a hanger, which is magnetically locked. No problem. Ramadus charged Force into his hand, and blasted the doors. Inside... a shuttle, and an antique Basilisk Battle Droid. Which to use was the question...?

Option 1 - Use the Shuttle (usable for long distances)
Option 2 - Use the Basilisk (Usable for short distances)

knight 12167
09-26-2008, 07:52 PM
A very interesting start

No obvious spelling problems

Great so far

Rev7
09-26-2008, 08:49 PM
The Shuttle. I doubt that he would be able to get any farther than Onderon, so why cause any trouble.

On the other hand he did find an antique war droid...so I still go with the shuttle because who ever said that a 1800+ Year old war droid would even be able to be air worthy...

Very interesting start. I look forward to more.

Ferc Kast
09-26-2008, 09:01 PM
It's very good so far.

If an antique war droid were possibly air worthy, I think it would be too conspicuous. Thus, the shuttle would be the better approach.

TriggerGod
09-26-2008, 09:12 PM
Heh, I forgot a good part... I forgot the option to use the shuttle, but take the war droid to sell on Nar Shaddaa :p

Rev7
09-27-2008, 12:28 AM
How could he do both at the same time?

Rogue Nine
09-27-2008, 06:05 AM
Anakin survived by becoming Vader.
If it's the Great Jedi Purge you're talking about, then you can't really count Anakin since he was the facilitator of the Purge. Hell, you could even argue that Anakin was the first casualty, killed when he became Darth Vader.

Obi-Wan survived by jumping into a pit.
Technically, he was shot into it. I don't count being blown off a canyon ledge by cannon fire 'jumping'.

Yoda and Shaak Ti survived by be great using a saber and The Force.
- "By be great using a saber". Honestly, now. Learn to conjugate your verbs properly.
- Don't need to capitalize 't' in 'the'.

This is the story of a Clone Wars general named Komo Ramadus who went from being at the top of his game, on the front lines on Coruscant, to being a Refugee on Nar Shaddaa.
You don't need the marked commas or the capitalization of 'r'.

Ramadus was a knight until recently, being knighted before the Jedi and Clones went to Geonoisis, where Ramadus followed.
- "Until recently"? Recently with respect to what time period? The present day? You need to be more specific.
- You don't need to capitalize 'c' in 'clones'.
- It's spelled Geonosis.
- "Where Ramadus followed" is a dangling participle. It's also very awkwardly placed in the sentence.

Ramadus is a master Force and Lightsaber user, able to use both simultaneously.
- You used the past tense in your previous sentence, yet you use the present tense in this one. Fiction is usually written in the third-person past tense. I suggest you use that.
- Don't need to capitalize 'l' in 'lightsaber'.
- Lots of Jedi can use the Force and their lightsabers simultaneously. Being able to do so does not make one a 'master' user. Find some better quality or ability to describe his prowess.

2 years after the beginning of the Clone Wars, Ramadus was promoted to a knight.
- When writing any sort of literary composition, never ever begin a sentence with a numeral.
- "Promoted to a knight" sounds like he was advertised to a knight. I suggest "promoted to Jedi Knight", it's clearer in meaning.

Not on the council yet, Ramadus went on many missions.
- If you're talking about the Jedi Council, then the "C" must be capitalized.
- If Ramadus was just promoted to Jedi Knight, then why would he even be considered for the Council?

His lightsaber was a strange one as well. Looked like it was meant for a Sith.
- In your previous sentence, you make no mention of something being strange. So why do you say "as well"?
- The second sentence has no subject. And how does it look like it was meant for a Sith?

But he claimed he wasn't falling to the dark side.
- In literary composition, don't start off a sentence with the word 'but' if you can help it.
- Did someone accuse him of falling to the dark side? If someone did, I didn't see where.

In actuality, Ramadus was sent on stealth and espionage missions.
- This doesn't explain why people would think he would be falling to the dark side; Jedi were sent on those types of missions all the time.

The hum of his lightsaber would give his location away instantly, so, he designed his lightsaber - after being knighted - to have 4 sharp edges around the emitter.
- Will these edges do something about the hum of his lightsaber? If not, then they are not worth mentioning.

The spikes had a special chemical that not only stops all internal organ's functions, but, circuitry as well.
- In the sentence before, you described the unique structures around the emitter as 'edges', yet in this sentence you call them 'spikes'. Edges and spikes are not the same thing.
- The apostrophe needs to go after the 's', not the 'n' in 'organs'.
- You don't need the commas around 'but'.
- A chemical that can stop biological organs as well as mechanical parts? Pretty ludicrous even by Star Wars standards.
- And what does this chemical have to do with doing something about the hum of his lightsaber? Wasn't the fact you mentioned the structures around the emitter supposed to explain what he was going to do to quiet the sound of his weapon?

These spikes would later become something much more...
Uh, k. If this is your idea of sinister foreshadowing, it fails because I have no idea why these 'spikes' matter and you've given me very little reason to care.

This story starts on his last mission of the Clone Wars; search the jungle moon Dxun for Confederates.
- Uh, why are you giving the reader an imperative? If you meant to say that Ramadus was instructed to search Dxun, then you should say so. Otherwise, it's confusing.

Ramadus had taken his group through the forest, eventually getting to an abandoned Mandalorian Base, used during the Mandalorian Wars, and during the First Jedi Purge.
- Don't need the comma.

While rummaging through a pile of junk, the Clones received Order 66.
- Don't need to capitalize 'c' in 'clones'.
- Why are they rummaging through piles of junk?

Ramadus jumped into the air, moments before the Clones started shooting him.
- Don't need to capitalize 'c' in 'clones'.
- Unless Ramadus was actually hit, you need an 'at' in between 'shooting' and 'him'. Otherwise the sentence reads as if Ramadus was in mid-jump as the clones shot him.

He lands, and stabs his spikes into a Clone's back, while easily penetrated the armor, as planned.
- You switch back to present tense with 'lands' and 'stabs'. Do not write like this.
- Don't need to capitalize 'c' in 'clones'.
- I think the word you mean to say instead of 'while' is 'which'. Even if you didn't mean to say it, 'which' is still the better word choice.
- Okay, you start off the sentence in the present tense, then switch back to the past tense halfway through with 'penetrated'? Why?
- Don't need the comma after 'armor'.

The spikes injected the chemical, which almost instantly killed off the trooper.
- Don't need the word 'off'.
- And 'almost' instantly? So was the trooper struggling a bit before dying?

The other clones were aiming at him, while Ramadus was holding the dead trooper in his hands, as a human shield.
- Don't need the commas.
- Human shields usually work better if the shield is alive.

He pushed the body into another trooper, causing surprise.
- You kinda just leave the last few words out to dry, making the sentence awkward to read. Say it out loud and tell me if it sounds good to you.

This was bad.
-What was? Are you saying this as a narrator or Ramadus?

Ramadus was trapped on a moon without a ship The Clones operated the ship), and, the planet was swarming with Clones, all probably rushing towards the location of the base.
- Don't need to capitalize 't' in 'the'.
- Don't need to capitalize 'c' in 'clones'.
- What ship? You never mention a ship before, so how is the reader supposed to know what you're referring to?
- Don't need the commas.
- What base? You never mention a base before, so how is the reader supposed to know what you're referring to?

How was he gonna get off of Dxun?
- Again, who are you talking to?
- In literary composition, never use contractions like 'gonna' except for dialogue. It's tacky.

Ramadus runs toward a hanger, which is magnetically locked.
- Again with the tense change. Make up your mind.

No problem.
-For who?

Ramadus charged Force into his hand, and blasted the doors.
- How does one 'charge Force' into their hand? Is it like chargin' your lazor?
- Don't need the commas.

Inside... a shuttle, and an antique Basilisk Battle Droid.
- What kind of shuttle?
- Why would there be a nearly 4000-year old battle droid there?

Option 1 - Use the Shuttle (usable for long distances)
Option 2 - Use the Basilisk (Usable for short distances)
- Why would using the Basilisk even be a feasible option? It's obsolete by about four millennia and probably complete junk given its age. Unless Ramadus has a death wish, the Basilisk shouldn't even be an choice.

Heh, I forgot a good part... I forgot the option to use the shuttle, but take the war droid to sell on Nar Shaddaa :p
So let me get this straight: Ramadus is on the run from clones who want to shoot him dead, yet he still has the option of taking a rather large, obsolete droid onto the shuttle with him to pawn off later. Somehow, I don't think he has a whole lot of time to be doing something ridiculous like that.


All in all, this story is some of the worst prose I've ever had to read here. The only good thing I can say about it is that the sky's the limit for improvement. Passing a high school English class should help, too.

Rathoris
09-27-2008, 03:10 PM
ok seriously that was just mean :xp:
If you improve the story telling it could be pretty good. A very interesting concept.

Rev7
09-27-2008, 04:20 PM
If it isn't pointed out, he will never improve.