View Full Version : [Fic] Fire Against Fire
09-28-2008, 05:40 AM
AUTHOR'S NOTE:This happens in an infinities style setting.
What's declared as canon has been changed for the sake of this fic.
This is my first fic, so feed back would be appreciated.
FIRE AGAINST FIRE
PEACE! It has been 500 years since the Galactic Empire, under the leadership of Emperor Palpatine crushed the Rebel Alliance, leaving no major threats to Imperial dominance everywhere. In a gruesome show of aggression, all of its captured members were executed in public, leaving no one else to try the same thing as the Rebels did.
The current Emperor, Darth Thion, is the most feared figure in the Galaxy. Under his 75 year-long reign, he was able to annex a total of 37 planets into the growing Empire, using his large armies to destroy any resistance in those planets. His elite group of Sith Assassins, The Thionists, bolster their ranks every single day with new recruits, making up for the greatest Special Force in the whole galaxy.
In the capital of the Empire, however, things are not what they're supposed to be. A rebellion is brewing, one that might change the fate of the galaxy forever...
Coruscant, Main Command Office
The setting was an office in the top floor of CMC, where An officer was operating his terminal, viewing all status reports in Coruscant. Boredom began to settle in his mind, eating away at the fragments of his brain with its dark teeth. As always, there wasn't anything out of the ordinary at all. Tired of everyday routine, he almost wished there was another rebellion. The last one was 2 years ago, where a few pirates dared to challenge Imperial rule. At that time, he was a patriotic and foolish young ensign, and the level of activity at the CMC surprised him.
Those times have long passed, however. Now, there is galaxy-wide peace under Emperor Thion. Galaxy-wide peace and galaxy-wide boredom, thought the officer to himself.
The officer checked the time that was recorded on the terminal. 5:55. Five minutes before his wretched boss will march into his office, demanding a status report. The status report had been unchanged for about five months now, with everything "as it was yesterday".
The young officer tried to sleep out the 5 remaining minutes, but after 2 minutes of rest he was awoken by a loud ringing sound. The officer, barely awake, pressed a button and a hologram of another officer appeared on his computer. The drowsy officer initially thought it was his boss, unable to march into his office and is instead asking for a report via the terminal communication. He did not expect what came next.
"Main Command, this is Command Post X-1138. We are under attack by unknown individuals. They are heavily armed. Repeat, they are heavily armed! Requesting immediate assis-", exclaimed the officer that was in the holo. This suddenly awoke the man about to fall asleep.
The transmission stopped. Following Imperial protocol, the officer tried to verify the other man's demise:
"This is Main Command, CP X-1138, do you copy? Repeat, do you copy?"
After a few seconds and no word from the Command Post, the officer, now very awake, sent out a distress signal to the Barracks,
"This is Main Command to Imperial Barracks. Requesting urgent support in CP X-1138. Repeat, requesting urgent support to CP X-1138. Over."
Coruscant, Imperial Barracks
In his office, Jaxor Siln, captain and commanding officer of the 298th Stormtrooper legion, was chatting with a few of his commandos, trying to pass the time.
"So have you heard? The Emperor's got another one!", remarked Jaxor, a hint of happiness in his voice.
One of his commandos, a young man filled with potential, smiled. "Those damned Jedi never learn, do they?" He snickered.
Another average day for the young captain and his commandos. At least, that was what they thought until a lieutenant came running to him and his troops. The lieutenant saluted the Captain and delivered his message, occasionally pausing because of the exhaustion of running very fast.
"Sir, Code 129 has been declared in CP X-1138. Command requests you and your commandos to secure the area."
Captain Jaxor Siln removed the smile from his face, then unholstered his blaster pistol. Seeing this, his commandos immediately grabbed their weapons from the nearby armory. The group ran out of the barracks.
HIGH ON PIE 14
09-28-2008, 10:38 PM
Firstly, welcome to CEC writing!
O.K., this was generally good. Just a few pointers:
Make sure to stay in one tense like you said: Jaxor Siln a captain who was in command of the 298th Stormtrooper legion...;)
The only other recommendation I have is to make installments longer, that way the story flows more smoothly, and not choppy. However, I'm guessing this was just a prologue type of thing so it does not matter. But for actual chapters I would reccommend making them longer.
I like the idea here though. Changing canon certainly makes the story more original...I like this...showing what would happen if the rebellion lost. You have a good writing style, and kept up a good suspense level especially for its length. Keep up the good work Darth Betrayal. :D
09-28-2008, 10:45 PM
"Main Command, This is Command Post X-1138.'This' should not be capitalized.
We are under attack by unknown individuals, they are heavily armed - repeat, they are heavily armed! Requesting immediate assis-Period after individuals, capitalized they. Also repeat should begin a new sentence and not be hyphenated. Also you may want to add the closing quotation mark.
After a few seconds and no word from the Command post, the officer in charge of Main Command sent out a distress signal.Be consistent. Either Command Post is a proper noun or it's not. Either keep it always capitalized or keep it always in lower case.
"This is Main Command to Imperial Barracks, requesting urgent support in CP X-1138. Repeat, requesting urgent support to CP X-1138. Over."Period after Barracks, capitalize requesting.
Jaxor Siln, a captain who is in command of the 298th Stormtrooper legion, was lecturing a few of his commandos when a Lieutenant came running after him.
"Captain, Code 129 on CP X-1138."As mentioned previously, keep to third person past tense if that's what you're working in. Should be 'a captain who was.'
Jaxor knew what this meant and motioned his commandos to follow and arm their weapons immediately.A little awkward. I recommend "...motioned for his commandos to follow him and..."
Overall not bad, just make sure to proofread for detail. :)
09-29-2008, 07:51 AM
Coruscant, Abandoned Building
50 minutes before attack
In an abandoned building 50 miles away from CP X-1138, a young man stood in front of a group, talking to them in a loud and determined voice. The man was Commander Karis Jolx, leader of the Individuals United Against the Empire (IUAE). He was doing a briefing to his men, about to alert them of something important.
"Now, listen up men!", shouted the Commander, enthusiastic and showing it. "This offensive is going to be one of the biggest military offensives in the history of the IUAE." Karis gave a symbol to one of the nearby technicians operating a terminal beside him, who then tapped a few times on the terminal. A gray hologram of a massive complex appeared before Karis and his men, revolving around itself slowly, almost like a tourist holo. But this was no tourist operation.
"CP X-1138, the biggest Command Post in all of Coruscant."
Karis paused for a few seconds, letting the information settle in. The statement had some mixed reactions, some of shock, some of happiness, and most of curiosity. CP X-1138 was also codenamed "Thion's Hand", and was a personal project of the Sith Emperor. The thought of attacking such a building.. it was unheard of at the time.
Jolx gave another symbol to the typing technician, and the holo zoomed in to the turrets around the Command Post.
"As you can see, this Command Post is heavily armed with some of the latest armaments the Empire has to offer."
As if on cue, the image zoomed out again, this time in thermal vision, revealing several orange spots around the whole Command Post area.
"Our thermal scans detect about 1000 men in it. About 750 of them are guards, the rest are Command Post staff."
Commander Karis then watched as his soldiers tried to digest all the information he was giving them. There were 550 men in that jam-packed hall, eager to see what would come next in the Commander's briefing. Karis continued.
"Some of you might be wondering why we're attacking the biggest Command Post in the whole kriffin' Empire. Let me give you a straight-up answer: We're attacking them to gather vital Empire military information. What kind of information? The son of the bantha known as the AT-AT II!"
A hologram of a large behemoth vehicle appeared before the men. The AT-AT II, dubbed "Planet Killer", is notorious for its size, twice that of its predecessor. And for some reason uncomprehensible to the average man, the AT-AT II is also faster than the AT-AT, even though it is twice larger and twice more durable.
"We're expecting them to be in several holodisks in the station's top floor, here."
Karis pointed at a part of the hologram of the Command Post, and a detailed hologram of the top floor appeared, showing the holodisks in secured archives.
"Now, I ain't sending the finest IUAE men into a meat grinder! We'll be striking at 1300 hours sharp. The reason for that is, by that time, most of the guards in the station will be leaving on escort duty. Our intelligence says 300 will go. However, the Command Post will still be heavily defended, guarded by about 450 men. I'd like you all to bring the strongest of the weapons you acquired from the Imperial Armory we attacked a few days back.."
Jolx referred to the widely-successful attack on Imperial Armory 2789 before, which claimed the lives of 500 Imperial soldiers and only 100 IUAE soldiers. The attack, which was called "The Dark Day" by the media, was the official beginning of the crusade of the IUAE to end the Empire it loathes.
"Lastly, our operatives have done all necessary to ensure the success of this mission. Slicers were hired to ensure that we will not be picked up on Imperial sensors as we travel. Imperial Police were bribed to turn a blind eye to us while we gather our troops. We'll be going there using the Thion Killer."
The Thion Killer was an Acclamator-class cruiser recovered by the IUAE from IA-2789. Its name has received popularity within the members of the IUAE, who can't help but smile whenever they hear it.
"Once we reach the Command Post, you are to arm cloaking shields immediately. Those seen might endanger the mission."
After taking a deep breath, Karis said,
"Men, five of our operatives within the Empire died to get this information, don't let their sacrifice get to waste."
The inspirational briefing was now about to come to an end, as tens of IUAE soldiers' lives were as well.
"Move out and good luck!"
The men, in rank-and-file formation, marched to the cruiser waiting outside where they were all packed together afterwards. The trip was long, and the men were given enough time to pray this won't be their last day in the UAE.
After 30 minutes of travel, the ship landed with a whirr, and the tightly-packed men were taken off-guard. The men sighed. This would be the longest day of their IUAE lives.
Coruscant, Outside CP X-1138
2 minutes before attack
The Command Post was remote, about 2 miles from known City civilization. What surrounded it was pure forest, the reason being to avoid suspicion from the citizens of Coruscant, and as a deterrent to slicers who would wish to recover important data.
This is what the IUAE will use to their Advantage.
Crouching atop a building 500 meters away from CP X-1138, Commander Karis can clearly see the Stormtroopers of the Empire boarding transports and getting ready to escort the Emperor himself. There are several comm systems around him, allowing him to inform the troops near CP X-1138 on latest developments and make changes to the plan as necessary.
Seeing through his Electro-binoculars, Karis saw that all the transports were boarded. They only waited for the transport in front to start moving. Karis also waited, his left hand on the nearest comm.
Coruscant, Outside CP X-1138
30 seconds before attack
The 30 seconds before the attack were the longest 30 seconds in Commander Karis's life. The only thing that postponed the attack was the leaving of the transports carrying the Stormtrooper escorts, who were fortunate they didn't have to die that day. Though would, at my hands, someday.., thought Karis to himself, delighting at the idea. After a few seconds more, the last transport has left shouting distance, and was speeding away.
Commander Karis grasped the comm that was in his hand tight, pushed a button, then spoke into it.
"Begin the attack, repeat, begin the attack. Bring down the Empire!"
After hearing these words from the Commander, 500 men simultaneously turned off their cloaking shields, then charged with their guns held tightly. The attack has begun...
09-29-2008, 03:12 PM
In an abandoned building 50 miles away from CP X-1138, Commander Karis Jolx, leader of the United Against the Empire (UAE), briefs his men for the attack on CP X-1138.
The acronym reminds me of the United Arab Emirates (UAE). Somehow though I think it is a little incomplete. That they are united is no secret but who is unified? If it were something like Strategically Integrated Coalition of Nations (SICON) from Roughnecks then I wouldn't raise a brow so much. It just seemed a little awkward to me.
"Now, listen up men. This offensive is going to be one of the biggest military offensives the UAE will perform. Our target
is CP X-1138, the biggest Command Post in all of Coruscant."
I would put a comma and end quotes after target. Then I would indicated that the Commander made a move to activate a console. Something like Jolx pushed a button on the console. Then I would put the sentence of the hologram appearing. Then you could finish the line with He continued, "Is CP X-1138..."
People do things when they are talking and that would make it flow more since he is giving a briefing on what the target is.
"As you can see, this Command Post is heavily armed. The purpose of this attack is to, first of all, strike fear into the Empire, let them know we're a threat. Second of all, this Command Post contains most, if not all military files of the Empire.
Instead of a comma I would put and between Empire and let.
Our main objective is to steal all of these files. We're expecting them to be in several holodisks in the station's top floor.
After this line you could take the opportunity to describe th eplan more like where they will enter and who is doing what. It provides depth and makes it sound more like a covert op.
Men, five of our operatives within the Empire died to get this information, don't let this get to waste."
Before this, I suggest that you write something like As the men filed out, Commander Jolx added... and then put that quote. It is the last thing he said and therefore they should remember it more so than the actually mission.
Commander Karis Jolx was a natural leader. Since he was young, people were following him, doing what he wants to do. The soldiers in this rebellion are no different. They are loyal, and would gladly follow Karis to the death.
"Move out, men!"
The operatives of the UAE have done all the necessary bribing to ensure this mission was a success. They hired slicers to bring down the shields of the base exactly at the time of attack.
The men, numbering 500, were sent to an Imperial cruiser, one they stole from the Imperial Armory.
The trip was long, and the men were given enough time to pray this won't be their last day in the UAE.
After a 30 minutes of travel, the ship landed.
The men sighed. This would be the longest day of their lives.
Again I suggest you take the opportunity to embellish on this a little more. Be descriptive in what's going on. Are there any last minute jitters or the "shakes" as some call it? Did Jolx talk to a man that was a personal friend? It gives depth of character. You want people to get to know your characters as well asa you know them. even little things like a distinguishable scar on the neck or a favorite weapon tells something of the character.
Coruscant, Outside CP X-1138
2 minutes before attack
The Command Post was remote, about 2 miles from civilization. This was done to avoid suspicion from the citizens of Coruscant, and to prevent slicers from gathering their important data.
"What do you see, Commander?"
"Most of the men guarding the Command Post have went into their transports, and all is going as planned. Be prepared to give the signal of attack on my command."
Again you should go into detail. Are the men crawling on their belies towards the Command Post? Who asked the question of the Commander? The XO? The Sarge?
The 30 seconds before the attack were the longest 30 seconds in Commander Karis's life.
The soldiers of the UAE were only waiting for the transports to finally leave, before the attack begins.
Describe the wait. Was it like waiting for a really slow computer?
Commander Karis seeing the transports have left, commanded the officer beside him to give the signal for attack.
How was Karis acting? Was he scanning the terrain?
The attack on CP X-1138 had been a short one taking only 3 minutes.There had been about 100 Imperial casualties and 23 UAE casualties. The Imperials in the Command Post were completely taken by surprise. The Imperials who surrendered were given no chance, and executed on the spot.
The operatives of the UAE who joined the attack were able to download all the information from the various holodisks, and the Empire now fears this rebellion. The operation was a success.
What was the battle like? Was there resistance? Or was it covert op?
You have a good basis and I always enjoy alternate universe stories because it inspires creativity in people. Your story does look promising but at some points you seem to sell yourself sort with the descriptions. The reason I asked the questions was because I was curious about those parts. When you offer explanations and descrbe characters you make them more believeable and the story becomes an adventure of the mind.
You have a good thing going. I think you can really expand and go in depth with the characters. Employing a beta reader always helps. They can give a suggestion and whatnot. In the end you are the one writing it but with all the advice and critique you really get to see what is missing and you write accordingly. Keep it up.
09-29-2008, 03:25 PM
Darth Betrayal, I would go back over the new parts and give you another grammatical critique but you have not applied the information I gave you the last time and I fear that my effort might be wasted.
Try this link (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_clause.html) for some grammar advice. It will help your stories be more readable.
09-30-2008, 07:16 AM
I've decided to rewrite the whole fic. The prologue has now been rewritten, and the rewritten chapter 1 will come tomorrow.
09-30-2008, 01:30 PM
That's ok. You can still use the thread, just edit the posts. Good luck :)
09-30-2008, 09:20 PM
Updated Chapter 1.
10-04-2008, 05:30 AM
Coruscant, CP X-1138
Inside Major Rav's office
"Sir, our cameras have just detected a large number of troops outside the Command Post.", said a voice to the nearby Major, who was sitting down on a chair and trying desperately to relax. As Rav heard what the technician said, he rose up, completely alert now.
"What? Give me a confirmation and fire up the turrets!", exclaimed Rav, as he headed to the nearest terminal.
He pressed a few keys on the terminal's touch navigation system, and a small microphone came out of its body. The Major grabbed the phone then started talking.
"This is Major Rav. We are under attack. Repeat, we are under attack! All combat personnel are to arm themselves immediately!" Rav pressed a few more buttons, and the microphone disappeared into the utilities of the terminal. He pounded his fist on the table near him, his face showing utter disgust. I won't fail, he reminded himself.
2 miles away
The commander's not going to like this, thought the operative, glancing at the Command Post from two miles away with his binoculars. He had been assigned to report any development in the operation to storm CP X-1138, a duty he preferred over grunt work. Now, he was seeing a not-so-pleasant sight.
"Commander! The turrets are arming, looks like they are alerted to our presence."
Karis Jolx did not at all sound surprised at this news, which baffled the operative a bit. He had expected even a meager sight of panic from the IUAE leader, but he had seen none in the confident face of Jolx. Instead, a grin appeared in his face, as if he was celebrating defeat. He would soon enough if he keeps this up, thought the op.
"Excellent! Everything is going as planned. Dispatch Unit II and tell Unit I to hold the Command Post's entrance."
The Commander shouted orders like the person he was talking to was a mountain away, showing his drill sergeant-like nature to everybody around him. There were only seven people standing on that cliff, four of them armed detail, two operatives, and the Commander himself. Karis shouted as if he was talking to a hundred.
"Yes, sir.", replied the operative, immediately and as a machine would.
Coruscant, CP X-1138
Stormtroopers rushed in droves at the IUAE grunts that lay outside the building, who tried desperately to mount a successful offensive against the Empire's Command Post. Blaster bolts sped out of the mounted turrets, annihilating soldiers who tried to rush the Stormtroopers in the building. It was chaos.
Defeat seemed to be imminent for the Individuals United Against the Empire, but Commander Jolx had another thing coming...
Twenty-five elite commandos, sneaking in while blasterfire was flying everywhere, had gotten to their destination - the second floor of CP X-1138, a gold mine for Imperial data. They had encountered small resistance, from the Stormtrooper guards who were knocked out from a few shots with their blasters, specially modified and silenced. They now stood on one of the balconies on the second floor, about to go ahead with their plans.
Lead by a commanding officer in front of them known as Tram Jolta, the commandos planted several specialized thermal charges on the wall then armed the timers, preparing to breach at any moment. A few seconds later, the special charges punched a hole into the wall, giving the commandos a direct route to the office of the Command Post's officer-in-charge.
After a few minutes they were outside the Commanding Officer, Major Rav's office. Before going in, however, they put about 20 mines over a 20-meter radius outside the Major's office, to catch the recovery party he knew was going to come a few minutes after the battle. They blew open the door, and as expected, there wasn't any resistance at all. Major Rav and 5 technicians were inside, completely surprised.
"Put your hands in the air!", exclaimed Tram Jolta, the leader of Unit II.
The men in the room were quick to comply, knowing full well of the consequences of not doing so. They raised their hands up, and tried to look as non-hostile and innocent as possible.
Tram surveyed the whole room, looking for the man in charge. He was able to distinguish Major Rav's uniform from the rest, grinned, then grabbed the Major's back and pointed a blaster pistol to his head.
"Order all your troops to surrender.", Jolta said, a hint of anger in his voice.
He then pointed the blaster pistol at the technicians scattered around the office, all of them fearful. This operation would go as smoothly as possible, thought Tram.
"Disable all turrets and defense mechanisms. Give me all the data holodisks in this Command Post. Go on. Move!", exclaimed the Unit II commander.
The technicians scrambled in different directions. One of them went to a highly fortified storage compartment, entering a code that would open it. Two of Tram's commandos, of course, were there to instantly execute him had he tried to alert anybody. The technician ran inside, grabbing all information and putting it into a bag.
Tram heard something that was out of place with the silence inside the office, which was unwelcome when he had to keep this secret. He let go of Major Rav, leaving him to do what he had to do. He then went closer to the source of the sound, trying to investigate whatever it was. He was lead to what seemed to be only a clothes locker, which he opened to reveal a new room for communications.
In the room was another technician, who seemed to be sending a transmission. It did not take long for Tram to put the pieces together.
"Repeat, they are heavily armed. Requesting immediate assis-"
Tram unholstered his pistol then shot at the terminal with one quick and fluid motion, which made sparks fly everywhere with the terminal's immediate destruction. Tram then brought the technician out of the room, whistled to grab everybody's attention, then shot the man in the head, a hole appearing in his head after the blaster bolt went in. The wound was cauterized, of course, so there was absolutely no trace of blood.
"Now, does anybody else want to try something stupid?", shouted Tram, holstering his pistol as he did so. Nobody spoke a word.
Major Rav, now absolutely terrifed, went to a terminal and broadcasted a message to the whole station:
"Stormtroopers, this is Major Rav. You are to surrender immediately, or face annihilation at the face of the Empire's troops. I suggest you do the former."
The Major knew this wasn't true, but if he was going to convince his men, he was going to do a hell of a good job at it. He went back to his captor to take further orders.
Satisfied, Tram pulled out his blaster pistol then pointed it at Rav's face. He fired, the Major quickly falling to the floor as his face is completely obliterated.
Trying to escape, the technicians run out of the building, only to be caught and shot by Tram's men. Bodies were now strewn around over the office, a grim sight, but one Tram was used to. He heard a bleeping sound from his comm. He pressed a button on it marked "ACCPT".
"This is Tram.", said he.
A voice came out of the comm, which immediately registered to Tram as Karis's. He listened intently.
"Tram, this is Commander Karis. The stormtroopers have surrendered, and we have boarded the cruiser. Move out of the station once you have the data. Over."
Tram ended the communication, facing his men again. "Gather those bags.", he said, pointing to the bags that the technicians have filled with data in the form of holodisks. "We're going home."
10-04-2008, 11:34 AM
Hmm. I don't see Tram shooting the Major right there. These are supposed to be the good guys, remember--or is it one of those 'There is no good side' situations?
All-in-all, though, pretty good! Can't wait to see where you're story's going! :)
10-04-2008, 11:38 PM
We'll get to that in time. ;)
Coruscant,IUAE HQ/Abandoned Building
5 minutes after arriving at the IUAE, Commander Karis was beginning to wonder what exactly happened at CP X-1138. He has arrived 5 minutes earlier than his men. A lot of blasted things can happen in five minutes, thought Jolx, but I kriffin' hope they won't!
He checked the time on his personal datapad. 6 minutes now. Clock's ticking..
All his doubts were quelled though, when a cruiser landed in the HQ 7 minutes after his arrival. The ship was the Thion Killer, used by the men earlier to get into CP X-1138. It also turned out to be the Individuals' only ship,a fact which greatly assisted the Commander in recognizing it.
Karis stepped out of the spacious room he was on and onto the balcony, hastefully but still surely. He watched as the ramps of the ship lowered, creating a lot of ruckus as he did. He stood there like a statue, waiting to congratulate his men. The soldiers started leaving the ship, all of them looking exhausted and tired, but still energetic enough to muster weak smiles when they approached the Commander. All of them also saluted while they did so.
Karis smiled back, and congratulated some of them on a job well done. All of them walked past him, directly into the wide IUAE HQ. They were tired, so Jolx gave them the moment to rest.
Commander Jolx tapped the shoulder of one of the men passing by.
"Where's Captain Arka?", he asked, curiosity in his voice.
Hearing this, the soldier pointed to the back of the crowd, where Captain Arka was conversing with a few of the various lieutenants of the IUAE. From what Jolx could gather at a far distance, they were all happy at their triumphs, and morale was high.
"Thank you soldier. Tell everybody to rest at the Command room, I'll get to you later. Go."
Commander Karis approached Captain Arka and the crowd, all of the attention turning to him as he did so. The men saluted very strongly and proudly, showing their full dedication to the IUAE. Karis saluted back with a grin on his face.
"By the look of your faces, I could tell that you bozos have won another kriffin' battle, am I right?", said Arka with a chuckle. He used informal language to keep men at ease in his presence, which was very effective, to say the least.
"Today, 1138. Tomorrow, Thion!", shouted one of the young junior lieutenants. Everybody laughed.
"Well I need to excuse the good captain here. Do you mind boys?" Karis grinned then pointed at Arka, who was very happy for he had lead a successful attack.
"Take him, sir! He's doing much more trouble than he's worth!", shouted another lieutenant. Karis motioned for Arka to follow him, which he did immediately. They walked to the elevator, where they were to be taken to the office of Karis. The ride was long, silent and awkward, something that made Arka uneasy. I have a bad feeling about this, he thought.
As the elevator door opened and they were in the clear, Karis said, "Status report of the mission."
"Sir, we have had 326 casualties, 204 dead, 122 wounded. Unfortunately, we were unable to retrieve the holodisks We believed we were losing, until the Stormtroopers surrendered. It is pretty strange that they did, but we were able to capture 237 Stormtroopers.", Arka continued walking and following the commander as he spoke, used to these long and "mobile" briefings.
Karis opened the door to his office with his handprint on the bioscanner near the door, which immediately opened upon confirming his identity. Jolx proceeded to the end of the long room where a table was situated, and took a seat behind it. He pointed to the seat opposite to it, motioning for Arka to do the same. The latter did not hesitate and did so.
"Do you know why they surrendered, sir?", asked Arka, puzzled at the question and looking as if he thought about it the whole long ride home.
"I thought you'll never ask."
Commander Karis grabbed a small remote control device on top of the table then pushed a button on it, and a hologram of a man appeared before them near the table. The man was in a military pose, upright and erect. Arka was able to recognize him quickly.
"That is Major Tram, correct sir?", asked he.
"Major Tram played a big part in this battle. He was in charge of a unit separate from yours, consisting of 24 commandos, not counting himself."
The Commander waited for a reaction, and seeing none, continued.
"While you were having a frontal assault, I sent Unit II, or the commando unit to the second floor of the station. They were able to infiltrate the complex, meeting little resistance from the patrolling guards. At the end of the day, they were able to blackmail the commanding officer into ordering his troops to surrender."
"Then where, praytell, is that Commanding Officer right now?", asked Arka, suspicious now of the Commander.
"He had to be 'taken care of'", said Karis with a grin.
His grin was not returned, and it seemed to have made his conversational parter haywire. He went ballistic at that point, getting mad at the Commander as if he was not his superior.
"This is hypocrisy! We're supposed to be fighting against the wrongdoings of the Empire! But if we're committing crimes worse than what they commit, for what sake is this rebellion? If we are to replace the Empire when this rebellion succeeds, wouldn't we be like them if we continue on this path?"
A blaster shot at the Captain from behind, and he collapsed to the floor. He laid then on his back, and before completely dying, he was able to look at his assailant. The face of death himself.
"That is no longer any of your concern, Captain.", said Major Tram.
10-05-2008, 02:19 AM
Okay, I think my question just got answered...
Dangit! This just keeps gettin' better and better!
Looking forward to more. :)
10-05-2008, 03:20 AM
Coruscant,IUAE HQ/Abandoned Building
"You're late, Major.", said Commander Karis, obviously not expecting to hear the tirades of Captain Arka about morality and the whole kriffing IUAE. The dead man on the floor did not shock or even creep out Karis at all, and the two men just ignored it.
"I was standing there with my cloaking shield on for 1 minute already sir. I just wanted him to finish his little speech.", said Tram, laughing shortly afterward. The Commander threw in a chuckle too.
Tram kicked the head of the dead captain, it twitching a bit. Tram checked his pockets for a trace of recording devices or whatever the sneaky captain might have had, found none, and left the corpse alone.
"So how will we cover this thing up?", said the Major, pointing at the corpse that lied on a clandestine fashion.
"Simple, Captain Arka had a heart failure.", remarked Commander Karis, grinning as he did. The two men laughed hard.
As the laughs began to dissipate, the Commander decided to bring their meeting to seriousness. "Have you scanned the holodisks, Major?", asked he, obviously expecting an answer in the affirmative.
"Yes, sir. It is amazing how much information those holodisks contain. We have enough information to bring down the emperor! Soon, Coruscant would be ours!", said Tram excitedly, dreaming of grandiose living in the future empire under Karis.
Karis brought the man back into reality. "Don't be so hasty, Major. The Emperor is in Coruscant. He and his men will not give up this planet that easily. I have other plans, and the IUAE is no longer part of them."
Coruscant, CP X-1138
The scene was morbid, to say the least. Bodies were strewn up and scattered everywhere, with Imperial staff organizing and carrying them around. The families of the dead stormtroopers will be informed of their relatives' demise via a letter, which is basically a carbon copy with the names and statistics replaced.
The man standing and in charge of the scene has seen it all too much. Captain Jaxor Siln had arrived about 2 minutes after the Imperial scanner droids arrived. He had driven himself here, although he was entitled to a military driver. He loved the thrill of speeding through the vast city metropolis of Coruscant with his speeder, and with his commandos in pursuit. It was what he lived for.
Siln tapped the shoulder of one of the officers passing around.
"Lieutenant, are the scanners finished?", he asked.
The man was taken a bit by surprise, but he still had presence of mind. He was an officer of the Empire, after all. "Yes, Captain.", he responded immediately.
Jaxor, used to the promptness and speed of the Imperial commandos, got impatient."Then what are you waiting for? Report!", he barked at the lieutenant.
The lieutenant was taken aback a little.
"Sir, the scanners only found 213 Stormtrooper corpses, and 194 rebel corpses. It's strange that the number is very small, since there were 450 Stormtroopers here before the attack. Also, what we salvaged off the cameras indicated that the rebels numbered 500."
Jaxor thought a bit, then asked, "Any theories?"
"No sir. However, there is still one room left to be checked, sir. Major Rav's office. Maybe the answers are in there.", said the lieutenant.
Captain Siln brought out the dual blaster pistols hanging from his waist, spun them around, then said, "Maybe they are. Let's get to it."
2 minutes later
The small detail of five men, including the lieutenant he had talked to earlier, had accompanied Captain Jaxor with arms at the ready. The group reached the outskirts of the office of Major Rav, and the sight that awaited them shocked them all. The door has been completely obliterated, a gigantic hole punched in the middle. The fact that it was supposed to be made of the finest Durasteel compounded the shock.
"Sir, it looks like the rebels blew open these door.", said one of the men behind Jaxor.
"Don't point out the obvious to me! I'm not blind, you bantha!", said Siln, baffled at the sight. He went near the door, crouched, gave his blaster pistols to one of the men, then studied a piece of shrapnel that had fallen to the ground. The shard immediately turned into powder once the Captain held it, surprising the latter a bit.
"It figures. Black market explosives.", concluded Siln. "Let's go check the interior."
Jaxor took his pistols from the soldier he had given them to, then burst into the room. It was completely empty, except for the corpses scattered inside. In one corner of the vast office, there were 3 dead personnel, their bodies stacked up on one another. In front of a communication terminal was a major lying on his front, not a single trace of life coming out of his body. In the communications room, meanwhile, there was another personnel lying down on his back. His mouth was still open and he had a shocked expression, making the Major conclude that the man was talking when he died.
Captain Siln pointed to the 3 bodies in the part of the room, looking at two of the men who accompanied him. "Bring those down to the first floor. The men there will pick it up.", he said. The two saluted, then ran to carry the corpses.
Jaxor then looked at the lieutenant he had conversed with earlier."Do you have any experience in slicing, Lieutenant?", he asked.
"Yes, Captain.", replied the man immediately.
"Good. Check that terminal in front of the major for any information. I'll have to inquire with Command first."
"Yes, sir." The lieutenant also saluted, then ran to the terminal. As soon as he arrived, he began tapping on the screen interface of the terminal, making due haste.
Meanwhile, Jaxor pressed the CALL button on his communicator, then input the number of the Imperial Main Command. As soon as his communication was accepted, he began talking.
"Imperial Command this is Captain Jaxor, troop number 154-029. We are currently investigating CP X-1138, incident 457-AB01. Can you patch me to Commander Sark, please?"
"Imperial Command copies all, Captain. We are patching you through now.", buzzed the voice on the other line.
Commander Sark was the Commanding Officer of Main Command in Coruscant. He was a man seen by his cohorts as a grumpy, dumb man whose only reason for having a high rank is because his family is very influential in politics. Dumb as he may be, he is not without use, thought Siln.
After a minute of waiting, a raspy voice came on the other side of the line.
"This is Commander Sark. Why have you called, captain?"
"I would like to report on the situation here, sir. Permission to proceed."
Sark pressed the RCRD button that appeared on his terminal. He then said, "Permission granted."
"Sir, the Command Post is completely abandoned. Casualty counts are below expected, leading us to believe that some Stormtroopers might have been taken prisoner. We are currently at the office of the Commanding Officer of CP X-1138, and we have found several corpses, among which is a person in front of a terminal. This man, as our scans have revealed is Hratrif Linn, a technician of the Command Post. We believe he is the one who sent the distress message, before he was shot in the back of the head by the attackers. We are investigating further. Jaxor out."
10-18-2008, 08:30 AM
The Vanquisher, Coruscant Space
Something is amidst. I can feel it., thought the man clad in dark robes, sitting down on the ground and meditating. Thoughts and feelings were flowing through his mind and body like leaves being blown by the wind, but the flow has stopped. A disturbance. It has been so long. The man focused his thoughts and the Force harder, trying to pinpoint the source of the discrepancy. The flow of thoughts resumed, and there was equilibrium.
The man, Darth Thion, leader of the Galactic Empire, was in the meditation chamber oft his flagship, the Vanquisher. The Vanquisher was a SSD-II (Super Star Destroyer II) model, twice as big as Darth Vader's flagship, the Executor. Its armor was virtually impenetrable to any known explosive made. It had also been a personal request of Thion.
Ah. So a rebellion. It had been so long since the last one, concluded the Sith, finally tracing where the problem came from.
And then, while Thion was meditating in his chamber and finally reaching the climax of his meditation, he heard footsteps. A voice then called out, "Excuse me, sir. You have an important message."
Darth Thion immediately stopped his meditation, frustration building up as he did. He stood up from his meditative stance, then opened the door to his chamber with the Force. The man known as Grand Admiral Restar, captain of the Vanquisher, entered the meditation chamber.
"What is it, Grand Admiral? What needs my attention so greatly that you interrupt my precious meditation?"
The Emperor used the Force to choke the Grand Admiral, grinning as the latter began to gasp for air. He did not wish to kill, however, and he ceased a few seconds later. Restar Wartok took a few seconds of rest before speaking.
"M-my apo-pologies, Lord Th-ion, but Coruscant Main Command said you are to be given this information as soon as possible.", said he, obviously still out of air.
"Speak, Grand Admiral.", said Thion.
"Sir, there has been an attack on CP X-1138."
"By who?", questioned the Emperor.
"Sir, we identified the attackers as the group called the IUAE, or Individuals United Against the Empire. They are lead by a man named Karis Jolx.", reported Wartok.
"You know him, sir?"
"We were classmates at the Imperial Academy, back during the rule of Lord Pikos. But that is not important, carry on with your report."
Something about the tone in Thion's voice made Restar uneasy, but he proceeded. "Sir, there are less Stormtrooper corpses than the number that was expected, leading us to theorize some might have been taken prisoner."
"I see, Grand Admiral. Prepare my Royal Guard and my shuttle. I will deal with this personally." The command was short and concise, showing the personality of the man who held the galaxy by the throat. Smart, brief, and absolutely ruthless.
The man known as Grand Admiral Restar dared not disobey his Emperor.
09-07-2009, 01:14 PM
Reviewed 3 Oct 2008
11-23-2009, 06:27 AM
For the second time, this fic would be rewritten. I have done Chapters I and II. Other revisions coming soon. ;)
12-04-2009, 07:00 AM
Up to chapter 4 now. Your feedback will REALLY be appreciated, guys. ;)
12-05-2009, 12:33 AM
I have read the entire work to this point and I have to say I really like the idea of alternate history in Star Wars, it's a really cool concept and I hope you continue with it. I'm still not sure I understand the murder of Arka, but I'm sure it will be explained :)
I will admit to not having paid much attention to grammar and spelling while I was reading, but I'm also not the best at looking for that stuff as I tend to miss quite a bit in my own writing. I will do my best to keep an eye on this story.
12-05-2009, 06:42 AM
Thank you! I have updated chapter 5, the introduction of the main antagonist. :)
12-07-2009, 09:43 AM
The Thionist Command Center
It was a dark and unlit circular chamber, sitting in the middle of a vast training complex. The architecture was not something that its maker would boast about, showing a relatively simple and edgy design. There was nothing in this meditation chamber but a creature, sitting in the middle of it, devoid of any signs of life. The creature was a Twi'lek, his lekku and skin blood red. He was Thionist-I, the Vessel, the elite.
That is the very reason why Thionist-MXII, a human new recruit, had to exercise caution when he was to approach the Vessel, for the latter was not known for his mercy, nor his patience. MX-II, who had not earned the privilege to be given an official nickname, knocked at the doors of the meditation chamber, his right hand on the lightsaber at his sash while the other one was banging against the durasteel doors.
"Who interrupts my meditation?", asked a harsh voice from the confines of the chamber, the irritance and anger made imminent from the tone of his voice.
"Uhh..sir..This is Thionist 1002. I have urgent orders from the Emperor himself.", said the human, a bit of fear setlling into him.
The doors of the chamber opened almost instantaneously, with a quick and loud sliding sound. The noise had surprised the newcomer, who flinched a bit after his ears registered the sound.
Focus, 1002. Focus, thought the man to himself, as he paced into the metallic structure. He surveyed the interior of the building, revealing nothing but the Twi'lek, who still sat in the middle of the room.
"The Dark Side of the Force teaches every creature how the latter shall survive. With strength, anger, and mercilessness. I sense none of those qualities in you, pathetic scum.", said the Vessel, a noticable disdain resonating in his voice as he muttered scum. The Twi'lek rose up from his meditative stance, and turned around to face the man who wished to communicate with him.
The sight that appeared to 1002 was not a beautiful one, but he was not able to enjoy it for long. After a few slashing sounds, the body of 1002 was split into three - head, torso, and lower body. The new recruit had not noticed that the Vessel's lightsaber was lit, for it was not. The elite Thionist had trained in the forms of advanced lightsaber combat, where his only rival is the Emperor himself. In a few seconds, the Vessel had grabbed his crimson lightsaber from his sash, lit it, slashed the body of the fool in three pieces, unlit it, and placed it back into his sash.
"The Dark Side of the Force feeds on the weak, as I feed on the fools that dare stop me from harnessing the Force's power." The Vessel stepped on the man's skull, crushing it beneath his ebony boots. "Farewell, 1002. I find my own path."
12-10-2009, 06:40 AM
WRONG THREAD. Sorry, will update this soon.
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