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Astor
11-06-2008, 06:16 PM
I wrote this a few days ago. I'm not entirely sure what to think of it, to be honest - I think it has the potential to grow, but it's a bit iffy. I'll let you all read it, and you can tell me what you think. It's only the first part - there will be vengeance in it if anyone's confused by the title.

For those who've seen it, this story is set in my fantasy world (there's a link to the map in my sig), set in Elskold (viking/norse culture).

Vengeance

“Raise your sword, Boy!”

Hrolf’s voice echoed across the snowy courtyard, as did the clang of steel against stone, as he commanded the boy to lift his weapon. It was bitterly cold, and most of Gundar’s attention was focused on how heavy the sword felt in his hands, and how he could barely feel his fingertips.

“Come on, Boy!” Hrolf tapped the ground again, kicking up snow as the sword rapped the floor once again. Gundar lifted the sword, raising it high above his head with what felt like all of his strength, and started towards his teacher.

He ran forwards, ten, then twenty paces, closing on Hrolf, who merely stood still, sword at his side, as if unconcerned by the thirteen year old boy closing on him, sword in the air, screaming loudly.

At the last second, he took a step to one side, and put his sword out, flat side facing Gundar. Gundar had gained too much momentum to slow down. His legs connected with the flat blade, causing him to topple over, and the last thing he saw was his face closing with the snowy stone floor…

“Are you alright, milord?”

Gundar’s eyes opened, to see Hrolf kneeling beside him, a water bottle in one hand, and a blood-stained cloth in the other. Gundar’s eyes widened at the sight of the cloth, and his own blood.

“You split open your forehead when you fell – you should be fine now” Hrolf pre-empted Gundar’s question, as he offered the boy his hand, to help him to his feet.

“Why would you do that, Hrolf? I could have had you” Gundar asked, as he brushed off the snow and dirt now covering his clothes.

“Aye, you could have, but you must learn not to underestimate your foe” Hrolf looked at the boy, and grabbed his shoulder. “If you are to become King of the Elskrym, you must learn to become a great warrior. But that is not all you need to learn to become a King. Remember, I am not doing this to embarrass, or hurt you – I am doing it so that you can become a better man. There are some things you can only learn from defeat – picking yourself up, for instance.” Hrolf smiled at Gundar, the warm face of not only a teacher, but a close friend.

“Hrolf, why doesn’t my father teach me this?” This had always confused Gundar. He knew his father was busy – he was the King, after all, but he rarely saw his father, and when he did it was for only an hour at most before an advisor would call him away.

Gundar badly wanted to be a bigger part of his father's life - being a proper prince - fighting wars, meeting royalty, and slaying Dragons. But, however much he wanted to be with his father, part of him felt that Hrolf was a good replacement - and a valued family member.

“Your father is a busy man, but he does care about you. That is why I was appointed as your custodian. It is my job to protect that which is most precious to our King – his son. I understand your feelings, but you will learn in time. Come, it is time for your history lesson” Hrolf put an arm around the boy's shoulders and they walked out of the cold, ready for an afternoon of Elves, wars, and ancient heroes.

AK.

EDIT: I don't know how I got this 'requested a review thing'... I unchecked the box for that... :confused:

Litofsky
11-06-2008, 07:17 PM
A very nice start, Astor. I rather liked how you described Gundar: I sense that his main ambition (for the time being) is to please his father, by any means necessary (which is to say, that he could, potentially, be persuaded into doing anything in order to gain said respect).

Keep up the good work! :)

LordOfTheFish
11-06-2008, 08:40 PM
Its a very good start. There are many directions you can go with something like that. I also like (as did Litofsky) how you described the characters in such a small chapter, especially Gundar.

Bee Hoon
11-07-2008, 06:05 AM
At the risk of sounding like a parrot, I'll agree with Litofsky and LordOfTheFish. I like the descriptions of their actions--very nice and clear. How old is Gundar, btw? I can't really say much more as it's pretty brief, but I'll be keeping an eye on this. Good job!

Astor
11-07-2008, 06:24 AM
At the risk of sounding like a parrot, I'll agree with Litofsky and LordOfTheFish. I like the descriptions of their actions--very nice and clear. How old is Gundar, btw? I can't really say much more as it's pretty brief, but I'll be keeping an eye on this. Good job!

At this point in the story - around 13.

Thanks for the good words, everyone! There'll be another part when I can get round to finishing it.

machievelli
11-13-2008, 07:01 PM
read