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View Full Version : [Fic] The Search


Da_man
11-20-2008, 12:14 AM
Alright, so this is my first fic, feel free to make corrections, give advice, anything.

Revan stood at the top of extremely tall cliff on some unknown world, surveying the immense plain below him. He peered off the cliff, and kicked a pebble off the edge, sending end over end down the cliff. While pondering how to get down, a rust-red spaceship roared past the cliff about one hundred feet down. He cursed under his breath, and tried to see where the ship went. He saw it had landed about a mile downspin. He stared in disbelief at what he saw. “How did they find me here?” He thought to himself before he sprinted off to find a way down. The mysterious ship was the Ebon Hawk.

Down at the Ebon Hawk, Atton was working the controls as the pilot, while Carth was trying to find out where they were exactly. While Revan did have a locator in his lightsaber, a precaution the Jedi council took when he was inducted into the order, it only showed on what planet he was on, and it was not any more specific than that. Atton looked back at Carth, saying indignantly “Why would one of the galaxy’s greatest Jedi want to stay on a backwater planet like this, sir?” Atton sarcastically queried and gestured out the front viewport, where the entire expanse of the plain seemed to stretch on forever, except for the gigantic cliff blocking their view. Before Carth could answer, Catrina, the famed Jedi Exile, walked out and looked at Carth. “Have you found him yet?” Carth shrugged and said, “The locator can only pinpoint the planet, and this planet isn’t exactly small.”

Catrina frowned. She didn’t particularly like the Republic Admiral. He had caught up to them before they left Republic space, insisting that he would take them back to the Republic for the damage done to the Restoration Zone on Telos and Citadel Station. The only way he wouldn’t arrest them and have them tried as criminals would be if he joined them and disappeared as well. And since then, Atton and Carth have been arguing over who should be the pilot.

“Whatever, just keep searching,” Catrina retorted in an exasperated tone, walking off towards the main room of the Hawk. She consulted with Mandalore, who recently revealed himself as Canderous, who adventured with Revan several years ago. “Revan is an excellent hunter and brilliant strategist. He would only come to us if he has the advantage, on his own terms.” Catrina then consulted with the psychotic droid, Hk-47. He said the same thing adding “Query: Why do you want to find Revan, master?” Catrina replied, “He is the only one that can finish off the Sith menace.” Confused, HK added, “Rebuttal: Master, you are aware that Revan was the Supreme Lord of the Sith?”

“Exactly”

Revan was crawling through the giant grass a few hundred feet from the Ebon Hawk. It wasn’t that Revan didn’t like people, it is just that he didn’t want to be found and be under the constant threat of attack, such as during his adventuring days, where he was attacked by some Sith acolyte trying to prove himself. He shifted positions, and waited until dark, when the crew of the Hawk fell asleep.

Revan crawled closer and bumped into something metallic. He looked down. There was a small datapad. All it said on it was:

MEET ME IN ENGINE ROOM
CARTH

Revan smirked. It was extremely easy to sneak into the Hawk, he knew its security system inside out. He flipped a switch on his belt, went invisible, and approached a small emergency exit Davik installed a long time ago.

knight 12167
11-20-2008, 02:56 AM
Cool start

Da_man
11-20-2008, 08:59 AM
Yeah...I suck at titles tough.

LordOfTheFish
11-20-2008, 04:18 PM
The only problem I found was over-usage of words.

Revan stood at the top of extremely tall cliff on some unknown world, surveying the immense plain below him. He peered off the cliff, and kicked a pebble off the edge, sending end over end down the cliff. While pondering how to get down, a rust-red spaceship roared past the cliff about one hundred feet down.

It's not that big of a deal but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

Before Carth could answer, Catrina, the famed Jedi Exile, walked out and looked at Carth. “Have you found him yet?” Carth shrugged and said, “The locator can only pinpoint the planet, and this planet isn’t exactly small.”

A little to much there aswell. I think if you removed the second "Carth" it would be OK.

But still, a good start to a story. I look forward to more.

machievelli
11-20-2008, 05:17 PM
read