View Full Version : History, part 1

11-28-2008, 06:16 PM
Nilly looked at his grandpa. the young child sat on his leg and listened as his elder told a story. when the story was done, everyone in the room clapped their joy of the story, but Nilly was not pleased.
Nilly prefered the war stories his grandpa told, ones of ancient heros and of long distant enemies. when everyone was done clapping Nilly piped up,
"Could you tell us the story about what you did in the Mandalorian Wars?"
the room went silent, you could hear a pin drop. Nilly's father, Dustil, moved in to pick up his son, but Carth, the old withered ex-pilot shook his head.
Carth opened his mouth to speak, " This is a tale of heros long gone, of battles won and lost, of friendships forged and enemies destroyed, this is the story of the war that changed the galaxy forever."
Nilly grinned with glee. his grandpa always stared off into the distance when Nilly asked about the war.
Carth continued " A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... The Mandalorians, these big brutes of a people, No offense Canderous"
from the room a hearty voice boomed out, " None taken,... you Republic dolt"
the room burst into a chuckle.
carth continued " the Mandalorians somehow got it into there head that attacking the republic would be a good idea! ofcourse, they had some goading from teh sith, or so i'm told. Canderous, could you help me narrate the story?"
the other old man in the back of the room made his way through the crowd. his face was scarred with many battles and his eyes looked as vibrant as ever. " alright, but just this once, for little Nilly's sake" canderous said.
Canderous continued " so, yeah, the sith kinda tipped us off. but in the end, we probably would've done it sooner or later. the sith just offering us some nice peices of tech was a bonus. my first day of training took place at the first battle, on some backwater planet on the outer rim. only 100 people stood up against us, mostly farmers, with nothing but a few Ronto rods and some hunting blasters. we were more afraid of the ronto rods than the blasters"
this gets a Loud laugh from the assembled crowd, the loudest of them all coming from a wookie in the back.
Carth took up from there, " we weren't aware of what was going on until we lost communication with over ten planets! the mandalorians tactics were good. right about now, we were thinking, a few downed com poles or something. until twenty planets went flat lined. then we were spooked. we asked for the jedi to help, at first with some wisdom, as we did that, they attacked a mid rim planet, another blank slate on the star maps."
Canderous took up from that " while i wasn't there personally, many of my 'friends' were, the first real fight of the war! and i was on kitchen duty! he he, well, in teh next battle, i was there, jumping through the atmosphere on our basilisks, avoiding rockets and what not until i landed." canderous got a tear in his eye.
Nilly asked "Whats wrong Uncle Canderous?"
canderous looked at nilly. " oh, nothing, i was just remembering when i told this story to... a good friend of mine."
End of part 1, wait for part 2!

Bee Hoon
12-23-2008, 11:20 AM
Nilly looked at his grandpa. the young child sat on his leg and listened as his elder told a story.What story is this? And "sat on his lap" would be more accurate ;)

There's plenty of errors (capitalization, spelling, grammar). I'm not quite sure how this relates to the topic, and how Carth can remain so amiable when Canderous discusses the slaughter of farmers, or why Canderous seems so jovial. Besides that, the Mandalorians are a warrior race--they hardly would have to wait till a battle rolled around to train their troops, nor would a few pieces of tech induce them to attack the Republic. The usual advice applies here--think your story through and polish! I'd love to see them reminiscing on their glory days.

knight 12167
12-23-2008, 06:02 PM

unfortunatly the grammar was a bit of a turn off but otherwise it was good!

12-24-2008, 12:06 PM
Thanks, I actualloy applied this last month, so I don't know if it fits the theme, but it was a rush job, so it could be a lot better. So I am sorry for that, but I'm glad some people like it. But Chev's is probably better, I'll check now.