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Kado Sunrider
11-30-2008, 10:27 PM
Well guys, this here's my first fan-fic. Hope you enjoy it!

I'm currently looking for someone interested in editing/proofreading/beta-reading for me. PM me if interested. I don't mind if you post here as I'll be constantly updating the first post instead of making a new post for each chapter.

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Prologue



Power was not a stranger to Kilan Raxes. In fact, it was literally born into him. Kilans ancestors were the leaders of the largest criminal organization in the Mid Rim, except for the Hutts of course.Today, he had accomplished much. His bounty hunters had caught the core-slime who had stolen a huge amount of credits from the Raxes, killed him, and recovered the money. He had also successfully foiled a mutiny, which had led to the death of two of his commanders and nearly a hundred assorted smugglers, pirates and thugs. Kilan smiled. Yes, it had been a good day.

Striding down the hall towards the central chamber of his quarters on Rendak City, Kilan thought back to the day when he had claimed his rightful place at the head of the Raxes criminal empire after he had his father killed by an assassin. The old man had been weak, and like his father before him, Kilan had claimed his throne when the time was ripe. Grinning again, Kilan thought he would call for one of his Twi’lek slave girls before he turned in for the night. He could use a little refreshment.


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Chapter 1

Cadran Tevar was woken suddenly from a deep sleep by the wailing of a proximity alarm. ****. He thought to himself as he quickly pulled on some pants and ran to the cockpit of his ship. A sudden lurching motion threw his balance off and made him stumble forward into the cabin of the Talravin Star. "Thanks for that R6. I'll take over from here." the little astromech droid chittered and beeped from over near the navicomputer. Dropping into the pilot seat, Cadran took a few seconds to glance at the planet in front of him.

As most planets go, this one looked pretty ordinary from space. But the planet itself was a different story. The planet Ninn, in the corporate sector was well known among the various low-lives of the galaxy as one of the biggest smuggler dens in the Tingel Arm. But Cadran didn't care about that. He was here to pick up some merchandise, and get back home. Not that his home was anything special.

"Correllian Vessel, please identify." startled out of his revere, Cadran pushed down the comm button on his control console and identified himself as Delan Sadari, a freighter pilot who was here to fuel up on his way to Duroon. Space control cleared him to land in Addaran City at the main spaceport. Great, he told himself. I won't have to go far to collect my prize.

20 minutes later, Cadran was walking down a bustling street in Addaran City. Stopping at a corner, Cadran waved down a cab and waited for it to pull up. The speeder came to a halt in front of Cadran and he casually entered the back seat. "Zaerd's Cantina." he said to the cabby. Before long, Cadran was staring at a nightclub that would have made most of Coruscant's clubs look like formal dinners. Walking slowly in the front door, Cadran noticed two things. One, this place had lots of fine ladies. And two, his merchandise was sitting at a table in a private lounge two stories up. This is going to complicate things. he said to himself.

Cadran walked slowly up to the bar. Looking up, into the private lounge, he saw another complication. Guards. Well, he thought, its now or never. Reaching over the counter and tapping the bartender on the shoulder, Cadran took one last look around the club and saw only one escape route. This was going to be VERY interesting.

Taking a gulp of his Correllian Ale, Cadran slipped the bartender a credit chip and asked descreetly for an audience with Zaerd. The bartender took a look at the chip, glanced at Cadran's face, and sent a message upstairs.

An armed guard slipped out of the doorway and stepped quietly up behind Cadran. Speaking as quietly as he had walked, he told Cadran the passkey to the elevator and returned to his post. "Pretty lax security," Cadran mumbled under his breath. Passing through the doorway, he caught the eye of a pretty young human woman in a dress that barely covered her breasts. She winked, and then she was gone. Shaking his head, he continued down the hall and found the elevator. He entered the passcode and slipped inside.

The elevator ride looked perfectly normal for the security guard who was watching the camera mounted in the corner, but in truth, Cadran was silently going over his arsenal, and considering his best course of action. Truth be told, a nightclub was probably the worst place to pull this off. But he was on a deadline, and he wanted to be home. Stepping out of the elevator, Cadran took in the first few things in one sweep of his eyes through the room. Zaerd was a handsome, well dressed man seated at a table with his back to the main room of the club. What a fool, Cadran thought as he slipped into the seat across from him. Their were two scantily clad twi'lek females in the room. One of them was seated on Zaerd's lap, the other was massaging his neck and staring at Cadran with an odd look. Was it a plea for release? Zaerd, who had been studying Cadran the whole time finally decided to speak. "So... Kilan finally decided to send someone after me. Well, I'm sorry to say that you have fallen into a trap my little bounty hunter. Cold metal was pushed against the back of Cadran's neck. Keeping his calm, Cadran replied, "You know, it really doesn't matter if I die. Someone else will be here soon enough. And eventually, someone's going to kill you."

Zaerd chuckled. "Kill him." he ordered. At that moment, Cadran reached over his head and ripped the gun out of the guards hands. Having successfully disarmed one guard, Cadran shot a small poisonous dart at the other guard, killing him instantly. The other guard was not as fortunate. Switching the pistol to stun with his ring finger, Cadran shot the guard who silently slumped against the wall. Kneeling down, he quickly snapped the guards neck. Standing up and turning around. Zaerd was sitting rigidly in his seat. One of the female twi'leks was hanging over the side of the chair. She appeared to have fainted. The other was huddled in the corner near the door. The whole event had been virtually silent. Zaerd was breathing hard as Cadran flopped back down into the other seat. "Now," he said, "Where we're we?"

Bee Hoon
12-01-2008, 12:15 AM
Welcome to the CEC!

Just a couple of errors I noticed:
*Kilan's
His bounty hunters had caught the core-slime who had stolen a huge amount of credits from the Raxes, killed him, and recovered the money.I get who you're referring to, but it's a bit ambiguous nonetheless!

Besides that, not much to say--it's too short to make any solid comments. The premise of a crime empire sounds good though, so let's see where you take this :)

Chevron 7 locke
12-01-2008, 12:59 AM
This a pretty good story so far. Keep up the good work!

Kado Sunrider
12-01-2008, 01:32 AM
thanks for the comments. Chapter one is about to go public!

Endorenna
12-01-2008, 08:45 AM
Kado, first off, I suggest making a separate post for each chapter, one, because it'll bump the thread up and tell everyone your next chapter's ready, and two, because it's easier on the eyes. ;)

I didn't buy the fight. Unless Cadran can move faster than the speed of light and energy, he should've died. The guard is going to pull the trigger before Cadran can reach up, get his arms over his head, grab the gun, and pull it away from the hands of the guard about to shoot him. After that part is over, how does Cadran shoot the guard? I've heard nothing about a dart gun up to that point, just something about his arsenal.

One guard has been dispatched. On to the next one. Why is this guy slumped against the wall? If I were him, I woulda shot Cadran as soon as he moved to remove the gun pressed against the back of his head. Anyway, back to the guard's demise. I'd like a few words about him getting out his blaster. Why does he stun the guard? Why doesn't he just shoot him?

To make your story more readable, separate your paragraphs with a space.

Your grammer needs work. For instance, I saw 'were' spelled as 'we're' in a couple places. There are a lot of other mistakes as well. I suggest going to the Resources Center and PMing one of the beta readers. :)


With some polishing, this story will be very interesting, I'm sure. :xp:

Edit: About the guy slumping against the wall--sorry for criticizing you on that one. I just saw that he slumped against the wall after he got shot, not before. My bad.

Kado Sunrider
12-01-2008, 11:22 AM
Kado, first off, I suggest making a separate post for each chapter, one, because it'll bump the thread up and tell everyone your next chapter's ready, and two, because it's easier on the eyes. ;)

I didn't buy the fight. Unless Cadran can move faster than the speed of light and energy, he should've died. The guard is going to pull the trigger before Cadran can reach up, get his arms over his head, grab the gun, and pull it away from the hands of the guard about to shoot him. After that part is over, how does Cadran shoot the guard? I've heard nothing about a dart gun up to that point, just something about his arsenal.

One guard has been dispatched. On to the next one. Why is this guy slumped against the wall? If I were him, I woulda shot Cadran as soon as he moved to remove the gun pressed against the back of his head. Anyway, back to the guard's demise. I'd like a few words about him getting out his blaster. Why does he stun the guard? Why doesn't he just shoot him?

To make your story more readable, separate your paragraphs with a space.

Your grammer needs work. For instance, I saw 'were' spelled as 'we're' in a couple places. There are a lot of other mistakes as well. I suggest going to the Resources Center and PMing one of the beta readers. :)


With some polishing, this story will be very interesting, I'm sure. :xp:Well, I AM looking for a Beta Reader. And the reason he won the fight so easily will be revealed later. Also, he stunned the other guard because if he hadn't he would have alerted the guards down in the cantina area. The Guard was caught off guard. xD

I'll go back and edit my punctuation. And I do have paragraphs. But I guess I could space it out a bit more. :)

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

EDIT: I just realized that my italics didn't get transferred over from wordpad. That explains the many errors.

I'll go through and fix them.

EDIT2: Found another problem, my tab's aren't showing up. I'll just add a line in between paragraphs. :)

Kado Sunrider
12-02-2008, 12:33 AM
Chapter Two is finished!

Here's the copy. Once again, no beta reader, but hopefully this one will have less errors than the first. :)

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Chapter 2

Asha'ri was more scared than she had ever been in her entire life. She just didn't show it well. When the armed stranger had entered the room, Asha'ri knew something was going to happen. It did.

After the exchange of meaningless words, the bounty hunter had managed to kill the two guards in an astonishing amount of time, and without being injured in the slightest. Asha'ri had slipped over to the door and was huddled in the corner, doing her best not to be noticed. It didn't work for long.

Zaerd was mumbling something about paying the bounty hunter more than the current price to keep him alive, but he would hear none of it. Soon he had had enough and decided to just shoot Zaerd and get it over with. He used the stun blast again, and Zaerd was soon unconscious in his seat. Leaning forward, the bounty hunter injected some unknown toxin into Zaerds muscular throat, and the man collapsed and began convulsing.

Taking Zaerd's ring, the bounty hunter turned and noticed Asha'ri. His eyes betrayed his surprise, though his body and pose revealed nothing. Walking slowly toward her, he spun the gun on his finger with the skill born of long hours of practice, as if he had spent days sitting on his ship repeating the exercise until he had perfected it.

Crouching down and putting his face to her ear, he whispered, "Do not be afraid, I will not harm you." And a bolt of blue energy hit her in the stomach and rendered her instantly unconscious. Her last thought was that she trusted the man against her better judgement. This surprised her more than the stun bolt. Asha'ri sank into peaceful oblivion.

Endorenna
12-02-2008, 01:58 AM
Much better than the first chapter. :) The grammar mistakes are few and far between, and it's a lot easier to read. :)

I wonder how Cadran is gonna get out of the nightclub with a dead guy slung over one shoulder and an unconscious Twi'lek over the other. :lol:

Keep it up!

CommanderQ
12-02-2008, 11:18 AM
Well, Kado, definately an excellent two chapters, so much so I don't have much for you to correct on. But, there are still a couple things that may need changing, just a suggestion.

Okay, first thing, I notice that you seem to combine your dialogue into the main paragraphs, making it difficult for a reader to discern dialogue from description{unlike them, I have no qualms to that, hehheh:D}. I think it's sort've an unwritten rule around most the fics around here, but most stories would start a new paragraph when they start dialogue. Here's a funny example:

"Hi Bob, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, Joe, how 'bout you?"

"Now, you know the only reason I asked you that question was because I'm not doing anything!"

"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

There, that is a rather stupid example but I hope it can somehow provide a guideline. It'll probably gain more viewers and make it easier for them to read at the price of length.


Now, for the story, I can't say change anything whatsoever. It's excellent, no doubt:D I look forward to the next chapter! Also, I love the way you descrive your characters, it provides such a clear picture of what the character is, excellent job!

Well, that is all for now, for I couldn't find any grammatical errors of any type and could only give suggestions in the stories betterment. I hope the next chapter comes soon so that I may take a look and leave a critique. Excellent story and keep writing!! :D

Kado Sunrider
12-02-2008, 11:40 PM
Well, Kado, definately an excellent two chapters, so much so I don't have much for you to correct on. But, there are still a couple things that may need changing, just a suggestion.

Okay, first thing, I notice that you seem to combine your dialogue into the main paragraphs, making it difficult for a reader to discern dialogue from description{unlike them, I have no qualms to that, hehheh:D}. I think it's sort've an unwritten rule around most the fics around here, but most stories would start a new paragraph when they start dialogue. Here's a funny example:

"Hi Bob, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, Joe, how 'bout you?"

"Now, you know the only reason I asked you that question was because I'm not doing anything!"

"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

There, that is a rather stupid example but I hope it can somehow provide a guideline. It'll probably gain more viewers and make it easier for them to read at the price of length.


Now, for the story, I can't say change anything whatsoever. It's excellent, no doubt:D I look forward to the next chapter! Also, I love the way you descrive your characters, it provides such a clear picture of what the character is, excellent job!

Well, that is all for now, for I couldn't find any grammatical errors of any type and could only give suggestions in the stories betterment. I hope the next chapter comes soon so that I may take a look and leave a critique. Excellent story and keep writing!! :Dthanks CQ and Endorenna. :)

The next chapter is all ready to go. :)

At some later point in the story, I'm going to address the few issues as to how Cadran managed to escape. ;)

But for now, here's chapter 3. :)

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Chapter 3

The return to the Telravin Star was an uneventful one, though Cadran had expected it to be much more difficult than it was. Sure, there had been a few questions as to why he was carrying an unconscious twi'lek, but he had managed to subvert the questions with responses of confusing medical conditions that would give any drunk a headache. It was only once he had started up the ship that he noticed something was wrong. R6 wasn't in the cockpit. The little droid almost never left the Navicomputer unless specifically instructed. Drawing his blaster, Cadran deposited the twi'lek in the copilots chair and advanced slowly to the back of the ship.

R6's dome was placed delicately on a small table in the rear hold, and a short human male was attempting to download his private information to a datapad in his hand. Cadran knocked on the doorjam and said, "Can I help you?" The man spun around fast and pointed a blaster at Cadran's chest. "Don't move. I'll shoot." Cadran put a hand on his hip and slid his hand into his holster. "You really shouldn't be here." he said calmly to the theif. Distracted, the theif hesitated for a split second, but it was all the time Cadran needed, he shot the man in his gun arm before he could even react. The man screamed in pain. "Now, who do you work for?" Cadran asked in a low, dangerous voice. The man kept his mouth shut. "Fine, we'll do this your way."

For the last time that day, Cadran switched his gun to stun. Pointing it at the mans chest, he fired a bolt of sizzling blue energy into his chest and knocked the theif unconscious. Dragging the body to the exit ramp, he slid the body down the tunnel and rolled him onto the airfield. Returning to the ship, he snapped the datapad in half and looked sideways at R6's shiny exterior. "I'll be back in a minute buddy." he said as he walked back to the cockpit.

Half an hour later, the Telravin Star was in high orbit around the planet Ninn. Cadran Tavar was in the rear hold, deeply ingrossed in his work of reconstructing his astromech droid, R6-M3. Mumbling to himself about the droids foolishness, he calmly reattached the motivator to the chassis, and connected the droid brain to the motivator. After reassembling the guts of the droid, he affixed the droids dome to the top of the droid and enabled his reboot system. A slight whirring noise eminated from the droid and a few inquiring beeps and whistles followed. "No, R6, you're fine. You got disassembled by a petty criminal. Next time, defend yourself, alright?" The little droid beeped animatedly, and spun its head to look out the door. Turning around, Cadran saw the twi'lek slave he had rescued leaning against the doorway. Standing up to face her, he said, "I'm glad you're awake, and I'm sorry I had to stun you. There would have been too many questions." After a few seconds, she said quietly, "Thank you, Master."

Cadran looked at her sympathetically. "You are a slave no longer. If I am your master, then I grant you freedom. What is your name?" A smile spread across her pretty features. "Asha'ri Sul is my name. You have given my life back to me, how may I repay you?" she said in a slightly more cheerful voice. Cadran smiled. "You could start by getting some rest. I'll show you to your quarters."

Endorenna
12-03-2008, 12:25 AM
Excellent, Kado! I like how he got past all the questions. :lol: Reminds me of The Voyage Home. Y'know, when Mcoy's trying to get into the operating room with Chekov. I'll look the line up later.

The grammar is greatly, greatly improved since the first chapter. The only thing I would change is something I have difficulty with myself. The dialogue sounds a bit stilted because no one ever uses contractions. :)

Good work, Kado! :xp:

Kado Sunrider
12-03-2008, 01:26 AM
Excellent, Kado! I like how he got past all the questions. :lol: Reminds me of The Voyage Home. Y'know, when Mcoy's trying to get into the operating room with Chekov. I'll look the line up later.

The grammar is greatly, greatly improved since the first chapter. The only thing I would change is something I have difficulty with myself. The dialogue sounds a bit stilted because no one ever uses contractions. :)

Good work, Kado! :xp:Thanks Endo. :)

I'd really like to find an artist who would be willing to draw my characters.

I have some artistic ability, but not enough to pass an acceptable rendition.

Endorenna
12-03-2008, 01:31 AM
Not me, sorry. Stick figures are the best I can do. :/

CommanderQ
12-03-2008, 01:58 PM
Well, Kado, I'm sort've an artist, but I'd be doing your characters, people that you have imagined exactly in your mind, it's hard to do those. I really couldn't, everyone has a distinct vision of how the characters are in a book, so it'd be kind of hard to change that image.

Alright, now for the critique {bwa ha ha}:D
Still, there are a few grammatical errors.

Thief is spelled THIEF, instead of theif, that was technically all I could find in that matter.

Still, you should probably space out the dialogue to make it easier to understand for the readers. Just a suggestion, but it would work well if applied correctly. That's all for now! Good job on this next part, I look forward to the next one! Keep writing! :D

Kado Sunrider
12-04-2008, 01:09 AM
Well, Kado, I'm sort've an artist, but I'd be doing your characters, people that you have imagined exactly in your mind, it's hard to do those. I really couldn't, everyone has a distinct vision of how the characters are in a book, so it'd be kind of hard to change that image.

Alright, now for the critique {bwa ha ha}:D
Still, there are a few grammatical errors.

Thief is spelled THIEF, instead of theif, that was technically all I could find in that matter.

Still, you should probably space out the dialogue to make it easier to understand for the readers. Just a suggestion, but it would work well if applied correctly. That's all for now! Good job on this next part, I look forward to the next one! Keep writing! :Dthanks for pointing that out. :)

I've started work on the next chapter, but I need some interesting developments when it comes to the story of Asha'ri. Her life story needs to be expanded.

Asha'ri is Cadran's love interest in the story.

machievelli
12-04-2008, 01:48 PM
read

Kado Sunrider
12-09-2008, 12:44 AM
Chapter 4

It was late at night, at least by Coruscant Standard Time, but in the never-ending well of Hyperspace, time held no meaning. Cadran was slouched back in his seat, staring at the starlines that whisked by in streaks of blue. Much earlier, Cadran had laid down in his quarters, attempting to get some sleep. But sleep, like rain on Tatooine, just wouldn't come. So he found himself back in the pilots chair deep in thought about his life, his choices, and his actions. Standing up, he slowly walked to the rear of the ship, and entered the quarters of the Twi'lek he had saved from the planet Ninn. Her lithe dancer form gently expanded and contracted with her breathing. Even in sleep, she is beautiful. He thought to himself.

This was not the first time he had done this. It had been 4 days since they had departed Ninn together, and every night he had watched her from the doorway as she slept. Turning, he walked back to the cockpit, and checked his coordinates on the Navicomputer. Suddenly, he heard moaning and cries of pain coming from the rear of the ship. Abandoning his work, he sprinted into the Asha'ri's cabin and saw the girl writhing in pain on her bed. Her sheets we're wrapped around her legs, and her arms were spasming out of control. Leaping to her side, he pinned down her arms and began whispering soft words into her ear. Her extremeties stopped their random flurries. Opening her eyes slowly, she saw Cadran's face calmly staring down at her, and she began to sob. Scooping her up in his arms he held her there, tenderly holding her head against his shoulder, so she could weap out her fears and past injustices. "Would you like to talk?" he asked cautiously. Nodding her head almost imperceptibly, she unraveled herself from his caress and sat shakily back down onto the bed.

"I was four when the slavers came to my village." she began tiredly. "My father was a brave man, and he attempted to stop the slavers from getting to my mother and I, but in the end, he was cut down by numerous blaster bolts to the chest. My mother and I we're sold into slavery, to a ruthless warlord on the planet Malastare. My mother was a beautiful woman, and as such she served as a dancer in the warlord's court. One night, after an extravagant party, our master burst into our quarters and demanded that my mother 'serve' him in his chambers. My mother refused, and she was tortured and assaulted before my very eyes. And in the end, when she knew she was going to die, she spat in his face. His guards shot her before she could even say goodbye." Asha'ri began to sob again, and it took Cadran a long time to calm her down enough for her to finish the story.

"I was sold to a new master, Zaerd. He was not unduly cruel, but I was still treated like a creature, or a toy with which he could play with. And then... you came. And rescued me. I owe you my life for that." She gave him a watery smile. Cadran took a few moments to reply, and when he did, his words were full of empathy. "I'm sorry for your loses, Asha'ri. My parents still live, but they have disowned me. I have not spoken with my family in nearly a decade." Gently pushing her down, Cadran grabbed the sheets and drew them over her athletic figure. "Get some rest. And don't hesitate to call me if you need me."

Hours later, Cadran was just beginning to feel the tidal pull of exhaustion and weariness. sinking back into his pillow, his eyes began to droop and close. His last conscious thought was an image of Asha'ri's crying face, tear-stained and sad yet glowing with the light of a thousand stars.


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Happy reading!

CommanderQ
12-09-2008, 10:56 PM
Well, very excellent next chapter, Kado! I don't have much to correct on other than saying once again that you should probably space out the dialogue, not only will it make it clearer to read, but it can also create a mood from which the person is talking. Besides that, great job, I really couldn't find a grammatical error anywhere, but I'd still suggest you just proofread it, still very good job. I look forward to more! Post soon!

Kado Sunrider
12-10-2008, 01:11 AM
Well, very excellent next chapter, Kado! I don't have much to correct on other than saying once again that you should probably space out the dialogue, not only will it make it clearer to read, but it can also create a mood from which the person is talking. Besides that, great job, I really couldn't find a grammatical error anywhere, but I'd still suggest you just proofread it, still very good job. I look forward to more! Post soon!I get what you're saying, but whenever I try to do this, I place my spacings in the wrong place and I don't get the message across the way I want to. Perhaps I'll send it to you and have you add some spacing. ;)

CommanderQ
12-10-2008, 01:15 AM
That could work out quite well:D If you'd like, you could just PM it to me, and Voila! I'll get it done:D

Kado Sunrider
12-10-2008, 01:18 AM
That could work out quite well:D If you'd like, you could just PM it to me, and Voila! I'll get it done:DSounds like a deal. Next chapter will be coming you're way before I release it. :)

Endorenna
12-10-2008, 01:24 AM
One spelling mistake. (Yea. I'm a nit-pick. ;))

Nodding her head almost imperceptibly, she unwraveled herself from his caress and sat shakily back down onto the bed.

It's spelled 'unraveled'. Other than that, very good! I look forward to more! :)

Kado Sunrider
12-10-2008, 05:03 PM
One spelling mistake. (Yea. I'm a nit-pick. ;))



It's spelled 'unraveled'. Other than that, very good! I look forward to more! :)ahh. fixed. :)

Its amazing that safari's spell-check didn't pick that up.

Kado Sunrider
12-11-2008, 12:07 AM
Chapter 5

Cadran woke up to the sound of R6 beeping at him from the doorway. The charismatic little droid had arroused him half an hour before they would be dropping out of hyperspace into the Rendak System. Sitting up and sliding out of bed, he slipped on some fatigues and got started on his morning routine.

Stretching his arms and legs, he began to practice the Echani combat forms he had learned from an martial arts master on Corulag. Within ten minutes he was sweating, dripping persperation from every pore in his body. After he had finished with his martial arts, he quickly jumped in the air to get his legs pumped, then jumped as high as he could, frontflipped and landed perfectly on his feet. After resting for a short time, he flipped backwards and again landed perfectly. He dropped to the floor and lifted his legs above his body until he was standing on his hands, held the position for a few moments, then deftly leaned forward and rolled out of the complex position. Turning to the door, he saw Asha'ri watching him from the shadows of the hall.

"I didn't see you standing their Asha'ri. Please, come in."

Stepping through the door, she sat down on the bed. "Thats quite a workout." she said as she stared at his muscles.

"How long were you there?" Cadran asked with a slight smile.

"I came in soon after you started. I'm sorry if I surprised you."

"There's no need to be sorry." Cadran responded, "but if you don't mind, I'd like to hit the refresher before we drop out of hyperspace."

Ten minutes later, a clean and well-dressed Cadran entered the cockpit of the Telravin Star. Asha'ri was sitting in the co-pilots seat, staring at the many instruments in the cramped space. With a grin, Cadran dropped into the seat next to her and dropped the ship out of hyperspace. Below them was a relatively small planet covered in dense rainforest and warm tropical seas. Entering high orbit, the comm system beeped with an incoming transmission. Cadran reached forward and tapped the button, and the weazy voice of the flight controller came through.

"Cadran? That you?" the man asked.

"Yes Teg, it's me."

"Good. I was beginning to think you'd died." he replied with a chuckle. "As always, you're cleared to land. Kilan's waiting for you in the throne room. I would advise that you don't keep him waiting."

“Sure thing, Teg. I’ll see you on the ground.”

Cadran dropped the ship into a gradual dive towards the largest settlement on the planet. Asha’ri looked overwhelmed when he glanced sideways at her, so he decided to fill her in.

“Welcome to Rendak, Asha’ri. Home of the notorious crimelord Kilan Raxes.”

Taking another glance at her face, he saw mingled fear with the feeling of being overwhelmed.

“Don’t worry,” he promised, “I won’t let them take you from me.”

“I never thought you would.” she whispered back.

Slipping into the docking bay, Cadran set the ship down gently and proceeded to the exit ramp. Asha’ri followed him to the edge of the ramp but stopped at the top.

Looking back at her, he said quietly, “I’ll be back soon, I promise. I’m going to lock the ship so no one can try to steal you. There’s a blaster in my room if you need it.” And with that, he walked down the ramp and into the sunlight.

Cadran hadn’t walked ten steps when he was imbraced by the huge Gotal trafficer, Teg. Struggling to free himself from the furry creature, Cadran managed to gasp out, “Nice to see you too, Teg.”

Teg released him, and looked at him as if he were a father looking over his son. “Hurry along there, Cadran, I don’t want Kilan making you a decoration on my account.” he said with a wink, and hurried on to look over the Telravin Star.

Ten minutes later, Cadran was staring at the door to Kilans throne room. Nodding to the guard, he stepped through the door and walked past the dancers, fellow bounty hunters and other scum to bow at the feet of the man seated on the amber throne.

“O Mighty Kilan, I have done as you commanded and removed Zaerd. He will no longer trouble you. As proof, I bring you his ring.” Holding up the ring to the rest of the room, a low murmur developed amongst the crowd.

“Good, good. Your reward will be transfered momentarily.” Kilan snapped his fingers, and a small Xexto holding a datapad appeared at his side. Cadran’s ten thousand credits were transferred without a hitch. After a short pause, Kilan looked at Cadran and asked, “Why have you neglected to let your ship be searched?” he asked. The silence that emanated from the room was deafening.

“I found no reason for my ship to be searched.” he responded cautiously.

“What is onboard your ship?” Kilan demanded.

“Nothing of importance, but-”

“Tell me or die, Bounty Hunter!”

CommanderQ
12-11-2008, 11:23 AM
Wow! Excellent next chapter, Kado! I'm sitting on the edge of my seat with the ending! Excellent job! Also, the way you spaced out the dialogue, exactly the way I was talking about, excellent work!

Now, for the critique:D Well, there were a couple grammatical mistakes, so I suggest proofreading before you post. The first thing I noticed was the miss-spelling of "Embrace." It is not "Imbrace," it is "Embrace." That was technically all I could find for this part, however, you should still proofread, you may catch something I didn't. Well, post again soon!!

Chevron 7 locke
12-11-2008, 01:33 PM
I love it when stories end abruptly like that:D
Another great chapter

Endorenna
12-11-2008, 04:02 PM
Oh, darn! Asha'ri just can't get a break, can she? :(

Now to the inevitable critique. ;)

The charismatic little droid had arroused him half an hour before they would be dropping out of hyperspace into the Rendak System.

It's 'aroused'.

"I didn't see you standing their Asha'ri."

It should be, "I didn't see you standing there, Asha'ri."

"Thats quite a workout."

It should be, "That's quite a workout."

With a grin, Cadran dropped into the seat next to her and dropped the ship out of hyperspace.

It might sound better to say

Cadran dropped into the seat next to her with a grin and pulled the ship out of hyperspace.

A few grammar/rephrasing things below:

Below them was a relatively small planet covered in dense rainforest and warm, tropical seas. As they entered high orbit, the comm system beeped with an incoming transmission.

"Yes, Teg, it's me."

"Good. I was beginning to think you'd died," he replied with a chuckle.

Cadran hadn’t walked ten steps when he was imbraced by the huge Gotal trafficer, Teg.

CQ already pointed out the 'embraced' thing.

Okay, I'm through being overly annoying! :D

I want the next chapter! :xp:

Kado Sunrider
12-11-2008, 08:18 PM
Oh, darn! Asha'ri just can't get a break, can she? :(

Now to the inevitable critique. ;)



It's 'aroused'.



It should be, "I didn't see you standing there, Asha'ri."



It should be, "That's quite a workout."



It might sound better to say



A few grammar/rephrasing things below:









CQ already pointed out the 'embraced' thing.

Okay, I'm through being overly annoying! :D

I want the next chapter! :xp:heh.

Well, I have one thing to say. When I take more time on my spacing, I lose points in grammar. I REALLY wish I had word, because most of this stuff would have been solved already, but Wordpad is the ****iest (SP?) program Microsoft ever created.

I'll go back through and fix those errors. Sorry for the mistakes!

New chapter coming soon!

Kado Sunrider
12-12-2008, 12:28 AM
Chapter 6

Dead silence pervaded the chamber at Kilans' tone. Cadran knew what was coming. He would not give up Asha'ri. Four guards we're stationed in the throne room at all times, however, the nearest barrack was much to close for comfort. In a flash, Cadran drew his blaster and let off two perfectly aimed shots at the nearest guards. Dropping into a crouch as the other two guards opened fire, he pivoted and released two more shots, hitting both guards directly in the chest. Many of the chambers occupants had begun to draw their weapons, but Cadran was already on his way out the door.

Reaching into one of his pockets, Cadran grabbed the comlink and set the frequency to the Flight Control channel.

"Teg?" he yelled into the device.

"It's me Cadran. Why are you screaming?"

"Get to my ship. I'll explain later."

Tearing off through the tunnels, he emerged at the far edge of the docking bay. Teg ran towards him.

"What the HELL was that all about."

"No time," Cadran replied. "We're leaving."

Transmitting the code to unlock the ramp. Cadran and Teg sprinted into the ship at full speed, and right into the business end of Asha'ris' blaster.

"Asha'ri, its just me. But we need to get out of here. NOW."

Asha'ri nodded, then lowered the weapon and followed Cadran into the cockpit. Reaching up and closing the hatch, Cadran began the preflight checks, noting that the fuel had been replenished and that the hyperdrive was operational.

"Lets go!" he yelled in excitement. "Asha'ri, grab a seat and buckle up. This is going to be one bumpy ride."

Lifting off, Cadran maneuvered the ship around and blasted out of the hangar at incredible speed.

"Teg, get to the turret. I'm going to need you to pick off the fighters." Cadran told the Gotal.

"You still haven't told me wha-"

"Not now! Lets just say I got Kilan VERY mad."

The Talravin Star burst out of the planets atmosphere with four fighters on its tail. Soon after they had cleared the atmosphere, shots could be heard firing from the quad cannons along with Tegs battle cries coming through the comm system.

"Three fighters down, Cadran... Wait, take that back. All four are gone."

"Nice job, Teg, come on down the cockpit. I've got a lot to tell you."

From the seat behind him came Asha'ris sweet voice. "Where are we going, Cadran?"

"Talravin. We're going to see my parents."

Chevron 7 locke
12-12-2008, 12:52 AM
Excellent Job!
I like how you left the chapter off, it promises some juicy details in the future

CommanderQ
12-12-2008, 01:25 PM
Excellent next chapter, Kado! You have definately discovered the sacred art of dialogue now! Once again, though, proofread, I've spotted several miss-spellings here and there. Take a look and proofread and correct. I'll probably post more on this a bit later, but excellent next part! Post again soon, you have definately got us excited and I'm on the edge of my seat!

Kado Sunrider
12-17-2008, 12:33 AM
Excellent next chapter, Kado! You have definately discovered the sacred art of dialogue now! Once again, though, proofread, I've spotted several miss-spellings here and there. Take a look and proofread and correct. I'll probably post more on this a bit later, but excellent next part! Post again soon, you have definately got us excited and I'm on the edge of my seat!anyone interested in buying a lonely writer Microsoft word?

It would stem my writing woes. :0

Next chapter coming soon!

CommanderQ
12-17-2008, 12:42 AM
anyone interested in buying a lonely writer Microsoft word?

It would stem my writing woes. :0

Next chapter coming soon!

Lonely what??

Well, it is good to hear that the next chapter will soon be here. Once it arrives, we will...critique it...bwa hahahaah!

Kado Sunrider
12-17-2008, 12:51 AM
Chapter 7

The glittering armored hull of the Telravin Star shone in the midday sun as it set down near the home of Reshi and Nema Tavar. From the viewport, Cadran could see two figures approaching from the house. This is going to be interesting. he thought to himself as he unlocked the exit ramp.

"Better let me handle this. You two stay put. I'll comm you when its time." he said.

Teg and Asha'ri nodded, so he left the cockpit and walked slowly down the exit ramp. Striding forward to meet the pair, Cadran looked into their faces and saw much pain. He would ask them what was wrong later.

"Mother." he said quietly.

She rushed forward and embraced him with tears running down her face. His father stood back and watched with an air of discomfort.

"We missed you so much!" she began. "We have so much to tell you."

Looking over his moms shoulder, he said, "Its great to see your face, old man."

A smiled cracked the wrinkled surface of the old mans face. Then he too embraced his son. Seconds later, Cadran stepped back and signaled the ship.

"Teg? You and Asha'ri can come out now." he said.

"Mom, I've got some friends I'd like you to meet."

The burly Gotal and the slim twi'lek disembarked and walked forward to meet Cadrans' parents.

"It is an honor to meet the clan members of my friend. You've raised a fine man." he said proudly.

Asha'ri politely introduced herself, but stayed quiet after that. Looking around Cadran noticed something wrong.

"Mom, where's Derden?"

His mother and father made eye contact, and Nema began to weep again.

"Your brothers dead, son."

Endorenna
12-17-2008, 01:23 AM
"It is an honor to meet the clan members of my friend. You've raised a fine man." he said proudly.

He who? :xp:

Man, you killed his brother?! What kind of a sadist are you!!!!!!!!!

Wait a sec, I'm talking about this when I--uh, sorry 'bout that. ;)

Kado Sunrider
12-17-2008, 08:06 PM
He who? :xp:

Man, you killed his brother?! What kind of a sadist are you!!!!!!!!!

Wait a sec, I'm talking about this when I--uh, sorry 'bout that. ;)HA!

Teg is the one speaking. I thought that was kind of obvious. xD

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 11:31 AM
Chapter 8

Silence pervaded the scene as Cadran stood in disbelief. Pain washed over him like an icy wave, and he sank to his knees.

"How -- how did he die?" he asked quietly.

"Lets go inside, and you can hear the whole story." his father said as he opened the door.

Standing up, Cadran led his friends into his home. Following his parents in silence, he reflected on what he had just heard. Derden, dead. he thought. Its not possible. Images of the pair finding a massive Fera Snake in a cave near their home and distracting it while Derden jumped on its head and shot it in the dead. Leading the group through a final door, they found themselves in a dining area and sat down.

"Tell me how it happened." Cadran whispered.

"After you left, your brother decided to leave home as you did and seek his fortunes in the galaxy. Your brother was on a planet on the Perlimean when a group of Imperials dropped out of hyperspace and ordered the planet into quarantine. When the Imperials arrived, they announced that the planet was a known rebel base, and that anyone who offered information would be rewarded greatly. Your brother had some enemies on the planet it seems, because he was declared a rebel, and they led a search for him. He was taken to the central square and gunned down by imperial troops. No trial." he finished abruptly.

Hatred for the Empire coursed through Cadrans' veins.

"You know what I have to do." he began and a terrified look came into his parents eyes.

"I'm going to track down the rebellion, and join their cause." he declared. "I WILL avenge my brothers death. I swear to you."

His father nodded his head and silently left the room. His mother looked into Cadrans' eyes and said, "stay safe." then she followed her husband.

Standing up he turned to Teg and Asha'ri.

"The choice is yours. I will take you anywhere you wish to go, and you can forget I ever existed, or join me and the rebellion."

Teg responded first, "I'm with you Cadran. I've been sick of the Empire for a long time. And I too have grievances with them. If they did not hate aliens, I could have had an honest job instead of working for some pirate."

Cadran already knew Asha'ri's answer, and when he looked at her, she nodded.

"It's settled then." he said. "We seek out the rebellion."

CommanderQ
12-18-2008, 11:53 AM
Well, excellent next installment, Kado. You are definately developing the story in a great way! Though I must say that Cadran did make the decision rather abruptly, and his parents didn't object to anything he was going to do{but then again, if someone killed my brother, I'd probably would've made that decision just as fast, if not faster...so disregard the last words:D} I don't have many corrections this time, other than remember to use apostrophes and commas, so proofread, and you will find the mistakes.

Well, post the next part soon!!:D :D :D

Chevron 7 locke
12-18-2008, 02:00 PM
Another Excellent chapter! I wonder how they are going to join the rebellion...

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 08:07 PM
Another Excellent chapter! I wonder how they are going to join the rebellion...Oh you'll find out. xD

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 08:33 PM
Chapter 9

The Telravin Star dropped out of hyperspace a few hundred kilometers from Imperial Center and slowly approached the planet. In the cockpit, Cadran, Teg and Asha'ri we're going over their plan.

"Alright," Cadran began. "I'm going head for the gangland and try and get in touch with my underworld contacts. Asha'ri, you're coming with me, posing as my slave." he glanced at her and she nodded back.

"Teg, you're going to pose as a technician, and hack into the Imperial network, and find the location of all raids in the next 2 weeks. Are we clear?" he asked.

"Got it, Cadran. I'll be back before you are." he replied with a wink.

Landing on a platform on the planets dark side, the trio disembarked from the ship.

Teg headed off for the nearest transport to the imperial communications center while Cadran and Asha'ri hailed another transport and asked for the Sign of the Tri-Forked Tongue.

Ten minutes later, the slipped out of the speeder and onto the dark street. Entering the bar, they walked to the counter where they we're met by four Codru-Ji bodyguards.

"I'm here to see your boss." he said.

One of the Codru-Ji nodded and motioned for him to pass. Heading to a table in the darkest part of the bar, where a lone man was sitting.

"Cadran! So good to see you!" he began.

"Save it Hat Lo." Cadran replied. "I'm not here to listen to your whimpering."

"Well then, how about something to drink?" the shady businessman added as he snapped his fingers and a waitress appeared holding two drinks. She set them down in front of them and both men downed it in one gulp.

Hat Lo was watching Cadran with an anxious look in his eyes.

After licking his lips, Cadran said, "Waiting for the Dozoisian Snark Venom to kill me? You'll have to wait for a long time. I've spent the past ten years immunizing myself against the most deadly poisons. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, perhaps you'd like to help before i decided to kill you."

CommanderQ
12-18-2008, 09:29 PM
Excellent next chapter, Kado! Very good indeed! Well, once again not much for me to correct on but there are a few things. Check your grammar again, PROOFREAD. That is very important during the writing process.

Besides that excellent work! I look foward to more!:D

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 10:00 PM
Excellent next chapter, Kado! Very good indeed! Well, once again not much for me to correct on but there are a few things. Check your grammar again, PROOFREAD. That is very important during the writing process.

Besides that excellent work! I look foward to more!:DI do proofread. ;)

I couldn't find any grammatical errors. Anyways, here's another chapter. :)

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 10:01 PM
Chapter 10

Cadran and Asha'ri emerged from the shady cantina half an hour later burdened with weaponry and datapads. They hailed a speeder and arrived back at the landing pad where the Telravin Star was waiting patiently. They carried their supplies onto the ship and Asha'ri packed them into the cargo hold, while Cadran stood at the base of the exit ramp waiting for Teg to arrive.

An hour later, Cadran was woken from his revere by the roar of speeder engines and blaster fire. Drawing his rifle, he emerged from the overhang and began to sprint to the end of the pad. Seconds later, a military speeder emerged from around a corner, closely followed by two more, and crashed onto the pad. As the speeder skidded to a halt, a Human and a Gotal jumped out of the speeder and sprinted for the ship. As the two dodged blaster fire from their attackers, Cadran took aim with his pistol and began shooting.

"Asha'ri! Get the ship prepped for launch, NOW!" he screamed into his comm.

As he said this, the human was hit in the leg by the blaster fire. He screamed, and Teg turned and scooped him up as more shots hit the ground where the mans body had just been. Reaching the ramp, he screamed for Cadran to get inside.

Sprinting to the cockpit, Cadran took over the controls from Asha'ri who scooted into the co-pilots chair. The ship lifted off and left the atmosphere closely persued by 6 TIE fighters.

"Teg, take over for me. I'll take care of the fighters." he said as he stood up and ran for the gunwell. Climbing the ladder until the gravity took over, he dropped into the quad cannon control chair, and attached his headset. Warming up the lasers, he shouted, "Set the coordinates for Telravin, Teg."

Swiveling around, he blasted the first two fighters for they could realize what was happening. The other fighters quickly noticed that the ship only had a cannon on top, and began to attack from the bottom.

"Teg, we're going to have to perform an Delven Swivel."

"Yes, sir!" Tegs static-filled response came through the comm.

Immediately the ship began to corkscrew. Cadran shot twice in mid-loop and both shots hit his targets, completing the spin, Cadran fired twice more at the ships above him and both exploded into clouds of plasmic gases.

Sporadic whooping was coming through the comm from the cockpit, and Cadran disconnected and slid down the ladder. Walking into the cockpit, the bright streaks of hyperspace we're a welcome sight after the battle.

Tegs enormous hand clapped him in the back and Asha'ri smiled at him.

"That was quite some flying." said the man in the rear seat of the cockpit.

Now that Cadran got a look at the mans face, he noticed that he was a good looking middle aged man, probably in his early thirties.

Still staring the man in the face, Cadran asked, "Teg, would you like to introduce me to our guest?"

Tegs face was split by a large grin. "Cadran, meet Tertian Col."

Sticking out his hand, Cadran said, "nice to meet you, Tertian, my name's Cadran."

Shaking his hand, Tertian said, "I hear you're seeking out the Rebels."

"Yes." Cadran replied. "I don't suppose you can tell us where they are. Thats about the only reason I can see for Teg rescuing you."

"I can do better. I can take you too them."

CommanderQ
12-18-2008, 10:37 PM
Well, excellent next chapter, Kado! No corrections as of now!:D Well, I look forward to the next chapter:D!

Kado Sunrider
12-18-2008, 11:33 PM
Well, excellent next chapter, Kado! No corrections as of now!:D Well, I look forward to the next chapter:D!no corrections? well there's a first time for everything.

New chapter will be out tomorrow or later tonight. Haven't decided if I'm going to write anymore tonight. |-)

Bee Hoon
12-20-2008, 01:55 AM
An hour later, Cadran was woken from his revere*reverie

where the mans *man's

eft the atmosphere closely persued by 6 TIE fighters.*pursued

Tegs enormous hand clapped him *Teg's

I can take you too them.*to

Just a quick run-through to point out that you shouldn't slack off the proofreading! :p

Kado Sunrider
12-20-2008, 11:41 PM
*reverie

*man's

*pursued

*Teg's

*to

Just a quick run-through to point out that you shouldn't slack off the proofreading! :pDOH!

How come whenever I don't put an apostrophe, I need one and whenever I put one I don't!