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Kado Sunrider
12-07-2008, 06:45 PM
Prologue

Two Jedi stood on a metal bridge crossing a river of molten rock. Troops swarmed on the far side of the bridge, and advanced on the Jedi, leading the endless wave of troops were four Sith, each brandishing a red saber, stalking towards the lone Jedi. Two sabers, one a brilliant gold, the other a sharp blue, sprang to life in the hands of the Jedi. The taller Jedi, a male, angled his head towards his ally and said, "So this is the end... It was nice to see you again. May the Force guide you to victory, my old friend." His counterpart, a human female, nodded back at him. Together, they sprang forward like the winds of Vortex towards the enemy. The troopers halted, but the Sith advanced. One of them, an incredibly tall human with yellow eyes, spoke, and his words were that of death itself. "Come Jedi, your death is at hand."

A furious battle commenced. The male Jedi was approached by two Sith, who attacked with all of their anger, and attempted to batter down the Jedi's defenses, but he was too skilled for them, tossing his lightsaber to his off-hand, he reached forward and grabbed the wrist of the Sith who was about to strike. The Jedi, using the force to enhance his strength, crushed the mans wrist. The Sith dropped the saber, and the Jedi deftly released his crippled hand and snatched the saber. Turning to face the Sith who was fast approaching from the other direction, the Jedi used the off-hand saber to impale the Sith behind him with a backhand jab to the chest. Force-jumping over his oncoming opponent, he called the saber stuck in the dead Sith back to his hand and engaged his last remaining opponent in single combat. Deactivating the Sith lightsaber, the Jedi threw the saber behind the Sith and engaged him with his lightsaber. Holding the Sith in a saber lock, the Jedi activated the lightsaber behind the Sith's back and commanded the blade to slice the Sith in half, ending the battle.

The female Jedi had already dispatched her enemy, who was missing both arms and his head. Nodding to each other, they advanced on the Sith lord, who drew two crimson sabers from the folds of his cloak. Before the Jedi could strike, he threw both sabers high into the air, catapulted himself over the Jedi, and brought the blades slashing down through the chest of the male. His ally cried out in agony, and sprinted towards the Sith Lord. Striking with her anger she fought with a frenzy the likes of which had never been seen. However, it was not enough. The Sith brought one saber with a swift overhand blow that she parried, but his other saber came slashing through from below, cutting her saber in half and ending the battle.

The Sith Lord, standing victorious, laughed harshly into the night. sheathing his sabers, he lifted the young jedi with the force, and began to slowly choke her, until when she could barely breathe, he threw her down to the ground with all his might. He could feel her essence begin to seep into the Force, crying for release. But he would not let her go quietly. Summoning his full mastery of the Dark Side, he unleashed a deadly storm of Lightning which sent the Jedi's body flying to lay next to the body of her commander, master, and friend. Staring up into the smoky sky, she knew the end was near, but he appeared again staring down at her like a deity accusing a mortal of some great injustice. He whispered, "Not even the Force can save you now." And he stabbed with all his might into her chest.

Halla Sevrin sat bolt upright, sweating profusely and breathing hard. Atton's concerned face was staring at her from the edge of the bed. Had it been a dream, or a vision? she thought before sinking back into oblivion.


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Hope you enjoy it. :)


EDIT: dangit, I mistyped the title, Bee Hoon, if you read this could you change it to "Exodus" please?

LordOfTheFish
12-07-2008, 09:35 PM
A good start, no doubt. Fight scenes don't seem to be the easiest of things to write, so I envy you especially on that. Also, watch the over usage of words in sentences. You may won't to reword the end of the second paragraph, it's not that bad though. Lastly, to edit the title of your post click edit, then click "go advanced." You should be able to make the changes from there.

Good Job! :thmbup1:

-Fish

[edit] After rereading the end of paragraph two, I think it's fine.

Chevron 7 locke
12-07-2008, 10:02 PM
Beautiful. I loved the fight scene, it was really detailed

CommanderQ
12-07-2008, 10:02 PM
Excellent job, Kado! This is definately a very good premise and I am waiting for more. No corrections as of late besides what Fish said about over-usage of words. Try not to group the same word in many different sentences that are all together. But besides that, it was a masterpiece from my opinion. Excellent! Post the next part soon!

Kado Sunrider
12-08-2008, 09:14 PM
"I'm out for a little while and everyone goes crazy." Han Solo, Return of the Jedi.

Thanks for the replies guys. I always seem to have trouble with reusing words that I shouldn't. I promise I'll get better. :)

Bee Hoon
12-09-2008, 10:03 AM
Yep, changed the title :) It's an interesting beginning, and your descriptions of the battle are good (way better than my fight scenes :D )! I'm not sure about the allusion to a vortex (but it does get points for creativity!), and you used death twice in quick succession in the first paragraph. All in all, keep going because I want to know who the two Jedi are! And more Atton, plzkthxbai ;D

Kado Sunrider
12-09-2008, 10:33 AM
Yep, changed the title :) It's an interesting beginning, and your descriptions of the battle are good (way better than my fight scenes :D )! I'm not sure about the allusion to a vortex (but it does get points for creativity!), and you used death twice in quick succession in the first paragraph. All in all, keep going because I want to know who the two Jedi are! And more Atton, plzkthxbai ;Dwell Hoon, just for you...

MAJOR SPOILER! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE BEST PARTS OF THE STORY!


The Jedi we're the exile and Revan.

Also, allusions to a vortex would be PLANET vortex, not the windstorm vortex, though vortex does produce unusually high wind speeds. ;) source (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Vortex)

Much more Atton coming your way Bee. I guarantee it.

Endorenna
12-10-2008, 01:34 AM
Personally, I had trouble following the fight--but, of course, I'm reading this late at night! :lol:

I didn't notice any spelling/grammar mistakes. Good job! :D

machievelli
12-11-2008, 04:46 PM
read