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View Full Version : [Fic] On The Run


Da_man
12-17-2008, 12:44 AM
This is my second fic, so any criticism is welcome, preferably positive.

Just for reference, this takes place during the events of TSL, and Catrina is the Jedi Exile. :)

Catrina was sprinting as fast as she could over the tops of the skyscrapers on Nar Shaddaa, trying to lose the thugs that were closing in on her. Suddenly snipers appeared at the edge of a nearby building, and unleashed a volley of disintegrator shots at her. One barely missed her foot. “Damn!” She swore, and took a shortcut to the Ebon Hawk.

She turned a corner and shot a look back. Suddenly, she was falling but landed on her back, sprawled out on the roof. Apparently, the last rooftop wasn’t even with this one, which made her lose her balance, and crash on this roof. She got up, but realized she couldn’t outrun those thugs now. They were closing in on her, and those snipers were probably are trying to blast her head off now. She looked around and saw a narrow valley formed by two buildings. Catrina weighed her chances of killing that massive group of thugs or falling to the relative safety of the ground, where the crew of the Hawk were waiting for her. “Screw it.” She retorted to herself, and leapt into the narrow space between the buildings.

She ignited her silver-green viridian lightsaber, stabbed it into the wall, and continued to fall. While the lightsaber slowed her fall, Catrina realized that landing would be extremely painful, and she would be dead meat. She looked down and saw a series of balconies. She leapt to the nearest wall. While it was painful, it wasn’t as bad as slamming into the walkway about 100 yards below. Catrina looked up and saw that the thugs were calling in the snipers to shoot down at her. “Blast.” She cursed. She leapt to the nearest balcony, and radioed Atton. “Atton, start up the ship now. I’m going to be there in 1 minute, and we are dead if we aren’t gone in the next minute and a half.” She shut off the comlink before Atton could come up with a snappy response. She leapt between the buildings, using combinations of wall runs and landing on balconies to slow her fall. She landed on the walkway, extremely happy to be back on solid ground. She looked up and saw it was a straight shot to the Ebon Hawk.

Except for the gigantic group of thugs and mercenaries blocking her way. She weighed her options again, and started sprinting at the group. Looking surprised, the thugs readied their weapons. But before they got off a shot, Catrina used the Force to leap clear over them, and landed 10 feet behind them. Before they could react, she was already on board the Hawk. The ship lifted off, turned to face them, and blasted their entire group into the depths of Nar Shaddaa.

“Damn, Catrina.” Said a very exasperated Atton, “Which mob boss did you kill now?” Catrina smiled weakly at Atton, still very tired from her sprint. “One of the Hutts.” She said casually. “One of the Hutts! Please tell me you're kidding!” Atton said, leaping up from his pilot’s chair, “Blast, we gonna have a bounty big enough to buy a planet on our heads now.” He sat down, immediately plotting a course. “We’re heading for Dxun, that should shake the millions of bounty hunters on our tail.” Catrina just nodded her head, and hobbled off toward her bunk. She didn’t want to deal with it now. It will be alright until I wake up, she thought.

Part 2 coming soon.

Bee Hoon
12-17-2008, 12:18 PM
those snipers were probably are trying to blast her head off now.Oopsie!

“Screw it.” She retorted to herself,"Screw it," she...
Hmm, I think retorted is a little inaccurate--perhaps try something else? :)

It will be alright until I wake up, she thought.
Just to clarify, as in it will wait until she wakes up? Or it will be all right when she wakes up?

Why didn't she use the Force to slow her fall? Generally, the basics are good. It's good work for a second fic :) I'm guessing that Catrina was on Nar Shaddaa (if you follow the games events roughly), and I'd like to know how an experienced war veteran got herself into such a pickle!

Endorenna
12-17-2008, 12:23 PM
One critique to add to Bee's post: You said that it was a hundred yards to the ground. This is Nar Shaddaa. It's a lot farther to the ground, according to Atton. :lol:

LordOfTheFish
12-17-2008, 03:59 PM
Definitely a good start for a second fic, I thought.

Rev7
12-17-2008, 08:08 PM
...and those snipers were probably are trying to blast her head off now.
Isn't that something that a sniper would normally do? :xp:

Definately a good start, but I do have a tid-bit of advice for you. Try not to use so many pronouns. You started a lot of sentences with "She", and to be frank, you used "She" a lot in this first chapter. It is fine to use pronouns, but I think in moderation. It just makes things that you are trying to convey a lot more clear, while adding to the story. Makes it more entertaining and it kind of mixes it up a little bit when you not use so many pronouns. Take what you want from it....

ie I would do this--
She ignited her silver-green viridian lightsaber, stabbed it into the wall
After-- (changes are in bold) Igniting the silver-green viridian lightsaber, Catrina stabbed the blade into the wall.

((I may be a little off with my tenses (?) )) Anyways, that is probably the most simple way to eliminate the prounouns in a sentence...

Hope it helps, and I look forward to reading the next part! :D

Da_man
12-19-2008, 01:48 AM
Alright, part 2 is done, I'll start on a part 3 soon. Again positive criticism is very welcome.

Catrina was having a particularly relaxing cat nap in her bunk, when a missile suddenly rocked the ship. The blast forcibly woke her up, and she ran out of the room into the cockpit. Atton was furiously working the controls, trying to shake their pursuers. “So who found us?” Catrina asked, gesturing in the vague direction of their attackers. “By the their ships, I’d say Hutt.” Atton replied without looking up. Another missile hit the side of the ship. “What does it matter you, the missiles will still destroy the ship in a matter of seconds.” Atton added sarcastically. Catrina stole a glance at the navicomputer, and then leaned over Atton and calmly typed a few commands into the pilots console. The ship suddenly leapt into hyperspace, leaving their attackers wondering where they went.

Atton cast a horrified look at Catrina. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?” Catrina shrugged and said, “You had the coordinates plugged in.” Catrina sat down in the copilot’s seat and started working the controls. A few mintutes later, that exited over Dxun, with Onderon hovering ominously behind the planet. “So where are we going to land? We could stay at the Mandalorian’s camp.” Atton thought for a second, and replied. “No, those gangsters would find us too easily.” “Find us too easily? It’s a jungle. We can get more hidden than that.”, retorted Catrina. “Besides, don’t we need to repair the ship?” Atton thought for a second. “True…I’ll set the Hawk down in a clearing near the camp. Why don’t you tell Mandalore that his mechanics are going to get some work.”

Catrina walked out of the cockpit, and bumped into T3. “Hey T3, how is the ship holding together?” He made some overtly concerned electronic noises. “It’s that bad? Do what you can to keep the ship flying, we are setting down on Dxun in a few seconds." T3 blooped an affirmative, and rolled off. Catrina continued walking into the map room, where Mandalore was tinkering with his gun. He didn’t seem worried at all about the serious damage caused to the Ebon Hawk. Catrina told him that they were landing on Dxun and she needed him to call the base to tell them they needed serious repairs. However, she was considerably surprised when she found out that he had already called them. “I knew we were heading to Dxun since you stepped on the ship on Nar Shaddaa. I called the camp a long time ago.”

Satisfied that everything was being handled, she wandered back to her cabin, when the ship started to descend into the atmosphere. Catrina thought to herself. It has been a long day. I need to get some sleep.

Atton expertly landed the Hawk in the dense foliage surrounding the Mandalorian camp. Some Mandalorian Techs were already starting to look over the ship. He stepped out of the pilot’s chair, and went down the ramp to talk with them. He started examining every inch of the shape. By the time he got to the rear, he was amazed at how much damage the ship had taken. Atton was extremely relieved when he saw the engines were relatively unarmed, but their casing was full of fist- and head-sized holes in the plating. He turned to the techs, who already figuring out how they would fix up the engines plating. “Can you fix the ship?” Atton asked, in a semi-concerned tone. The lead tech replied, “Maybe. The engine plating is going to take some time to fix though. I’d say about 2 or 3 days at least.” Atton looked up at the ship, and back at the tech, and said, “Should we move it into the camp?” The tech looked at him as if a space slug was coming out of his ear. “Are you crazy?” I’m amazed this ship wasn’t reduced to scrap metal with the amount of damage it has taken. We’ll repair it out here." Atton nodded his head and ambled over to the ramp. As he stepped onto the ramp, he heard a loud bird screech above his head. He looked up curiously, and saw several Hutt cruisers, surrounded by hundreds of small fighters and bombers.

“Oh blast.” Atton said in a half-astonished, half-scared tone. He shouted at the techs to get the camp ready, and ran inside to tell Catrina what is going on. Atton thought to himself, This is not going to end well.

Part 3 coming soon.

Rev7
12-19-2008, 10:05 PM
I noticed a lot of improvements in this chapter, so good work!

I think that you might have gone just a little bit too fast in this chapter. Catrina had just landed, and the hutts were already on to her and were they were, while being at least a thousand strong. I just thought that it was a little too fast, but nonetheless, I saw improvements in this chapter. Good job, and keep on writing!

LordOfTheFish
12-19-2008, 10:45 PM
Well, It is quite an improvement from the last, no doubt. The way you left it hanging was excellent I thought. A battle will be a good way to start a new part. As far as I could tell, the only thing I saw that needed to be changed was about half way down the last paragraph. You used the same words just a bit to much right there. Anyway, a few letters were left out of some words but other than that, I saw nothing.

Great Job, Da_man. Keep it coming!