View Full Version : [Fic] The Ebon Hawk Hijinks (A KOTOR/TSL Comedy)

12-23-2008, 07:14 PM
Ebon Hawk Hijinks

Basically this is intended to be a comedy fic, a first for me. Each chapter will be it’s own little story, though some stoylines may span 2 or even 3 chapters. This takes place when Revan, Exile, and their respective crews team up – well I’ll let you read the description…

Revan is male and named Revan
Exile is female and named RGN (Randomly Generated Name)

Star Wars
Knights of the Republic II and ½ - The Ebon Hawk Hijinks

So with the galaxy saved (again) a time of peace has settled over the Republic. Without any great threat to fight and battle against, Revan, Exile and their friends are on the verge of dying of boredom. How to stop it? Fight with each other of course! It’s Christmas Eve on the Ebon Hawk! After being introduced to each other, the crews of Revan and RGN (Exile) have a toga party as an ice breaker and reminisce about their past adventures and Bastila gets a less than perfect Christmas present from the dashing Mr. Rand...

Chapter 1: Getting To Know You (Part 1 of 2)

[Revan. RGN (Exile), Carth, Bastila, Mira, Atton, Mission, Zalbaar, Visas, Disciple, Handmaiden, Canderous, HK-47, T3-M4, and Bao Dur are all sitting in the main hold of the Ebon Hawk having some Christmas drinks of eggnog, Tarisian Ale, and various shots. All are wearing togas.]

RGN: So Mission, how did a twi’lek street urchin meet up with the “Dark Lord of the Sith?”

Carth: Oh, God it was horrible we-

Revan: Carth don’t bore everybody with your incessant whining. It’s Christmas. (downs a shot) Well it was back in the Lower City of Taris…

Revan: Wow I can’t believe that Sith guard was actually fooled by this crappy uniform.

Carth: I know – I was still in my fugly orange jacket and he still let me down here.

Revan: Just be glad of that, this thing chaffes! - Remind me how they took over a planet again?

Black Vulkar: Hey you!

Revan: Aw crap…

Black Vulkar: (followed by two other gang members) You two are sith! We hate the sith don’t we guys?

Carth: (sarcastically) Hello, does the orange Republic jacket mean nothing to you?! We are with the Republic!

Black Vulkar: You mean the same Republic that instituted the Taris Swoop Gang Removal Act?

Revan: Umm, did we say Republic, we meant…Czerka Corporation!

Black Vulkar: The same Czerka Corporation that screwed us over by selling us faulty firearms and cheated us out of wookie slaves?

Revan: The Obama Campaign!

Black Vulkar: The same Obama Campaign that called us bitter old thugs that cling to our guns and swoops?

Carth: Erm – Taliban!

Black Vulkar: The same Taliban that-

Revan: Oh screw it! (draws lightsaber)

(twenty seconds later)

Revan: How is it that the people ruling this place have the worst excuses for soldiers that can’t hit something two feet away from them?

Carth: We need to find the Hidden Bek Base. I bet it’s going to be hard – after all they are the Hidden Beks.

Revan: Umm…Carth? (points to a huge sign – “Top Secret Hidden Bek Base Here!”)

Carth: Oh…

(Revan and Carth Walk up to the base)

Bek Guard: Stop! Who goes there?

Revan: We are here to see Gadon.

Bek Guard: No, piss off! You could be here to kill Gadon.

Revan: Pretty pleeeeease! We promise to be extra-special good!

Guard: Well when you put it like that – go on in! But I’ll be watching you. (gives Carth a wink)

Carth: I think I’m gonna hurl.

(Revan and Carth enter the base and walk up to Gadon Thek)

Zaerdra: Halt! Take one more step and I’ll blow your brains out!

Gadon: Now calm down Zaerdra – did we take our Prozac this morning?

Zaerdra: Your too trusting Gadon. They could be Vulkar assassins – or sith spies…or…or zombies!

(everyone stares at her)

Zaerdra: Well they could be! Should I do a cavity search, Gadon?

Gadon: No no no…not after that little incident with those Girl Scouts last week – turns out they were really just selling cookies, who would have guessed?… So, complete stranger who just entered my supposedly top security base…what can I do ya for?

Revan: I’m looking for Bastila, a Republic officer. She was in those crashed escape pods.

Gadon: Hmmm…let me think...oh yeah – the Black Vulkars have her.

Revan: Score! Their guards suck, we’ll get her back no problemo.

Gadon: But their base is hard to get into.

Revan: What do you mean? I saw the door on my way here. I’ll just whack it with my sword a few times and it’ll open.

Gadon: Ah, but these are special un-bashable doors. No you need to go to the secret entrance to get in.

Carth: How do you know about the secret entrance?

Gadon: Oh, everybody knows about the secret entrance.

Revan: Well can I get a map then?

Gadon: Now, where is the fun in that? Just find Mission Vao – she is roaming around somewhere in the rakgoul infested Undercity. But there are sith guards at the entrance to the Undercity…

Revan: We have sith uniforms so…

Gadon: No! Uniforms don’t work down here! You need these papers! (pulls papers out of his pocket) Ta-da!

(Revan and Carth trade for the papers and head for the entrance to the Undercity)

Sith Guard: Halt!

Revan: (rolling eyes) Gee haven’t heard that enough today.

Sith Guard: Only people on super top secret sith business can go down there. You don’t have uniforms so your obviously not sith.

Carth: We have papers.

Sith Guard: Pffft. Papers shmapers – where are your uniforms?

Revan: Oh – err- it’s umm- Casual Friday!

Sith Guard: Damn! Why am I always the last one to here about these things? And I just got the cutest new shoes that match my eyes and they so totally beat the ones that guard #47 has…(snipped, please mind the language :))

Revan: Can we just go through now?

Sith Guard: Sure (still mumbling)

Carth: (whispers to Revan) Isn’t today Tuesday?

Revan: Yeah…remind me again how the sith took over a planet?

(Back on the Ebon Hawk)

Mira: So what does this have to do with finding Mission?

Revan: Shhh! You ruining the story!

(Revan and Carth enter the Undercity and walk through the outcast village.)

Revan: Lets see, Mission Vao…Mission where are you?!

(Mission runs out from behind some random pile scrap)

Mission: Help me! Oh, please you gotta help me!

Carth: Let me guess your wookie friend right?

Mission: (confused) No it’s my math homework…I can’t figure it out and Ms. Jackson said if I miss one more assignment I’m gonna fail! You gotta help me!

Revan: Okay, I’ll help you with your stupid math homework if you get us into the Black Vulkar Base.

Mission: It’s a deal! Here (hands Revan a worksheet)

Revan: (reads from the worksheet) If a spaceship leaves Coruscant at 8:00 at a rate of lightspeed and another spaceship leaves Dantooine at 10:30 at a rate of half the sum of the first ship times pi, when will the two ships meet?… Eurgh, isn’t there any other way we can help you?

Mission: Well I do have a friend who was captured by Gammorean slavers, but what ev that’s no biggie. If I don’t pass Algebra II I won’t get my allowance. Texting doesn’t come cheap y’know. Unless…

Revan: Unless what?

Mission: Unless I could ditch school and join your crew. I could be the plucky comic relief and occasional pain in the ass. Come on it’ll be fun!

Revan: (sighs) Okay, lets just get the wookie and go.

Mission: Coolness!

(Back on the Hawk)

RGN: Wow sounds like you guys went through a lot. And then you had to rescue Bastila on top of that?

Bastila: I was not rescued. I’m perfectly capable on handling myself!

Atton: (putting his arm around Bastila) I hic could handle you better baby.

Bastila: Get off me – and have a tic tac will you?

Atton: Ooh, hic feisty…I like that in a woman- of course the hic flesh colored, tight-fitting bodysuit helps too.

Bastila: That is no way to treat a lady of my stature!

Mira: Pffft! What stature?

Bastila: I am a jedi, thank you very much. We are a rare breed. Who else is a jedi here besides me?

(Revan, RGN, Atton, Bao Dur, Disciple, Jolee, Juhani, Mira, Visas, and Handmaiden all raise their hands)

Bastila: (looking defeated) Well I have a fancy British accent so ha!

RGN: You know, you and Disciple should hook up and stop annoying everybody else. You’d be perfect for eachother – you both have British accents, your both preachy…

Disciple: (to RGN with tears in his eyes) You hic think I’m annoying and hic preachy, RGN?

RGN: Di, I didn’t…aw hell we’re all so hammered that we won’t remember any of this in the morning anyway – yes, you’re a right pain in the arse!

Disciple: (takes another swig of Onderonian Whilik Juice) Well I hic – (falls to the floor unconscious)

Atton: Heh, I knew the poor kid couldn’t handle alcohol.

Jolee: Oh that wasn’t the alcohol sonny – I force stunned him.

Mira: Y’know, I like you already gramps! Hey, RGN, give me and pops here another shot will you?

(RGN hands Mira and Jolee a shot)

Mission: Oooh, oooh, Revan can we open our presents now?

Revan: Shouldn’t we wait till Christmas Day?

Mission: Aw please! Don’t be a party pooper, like that time you wouldn’t let us stop at McDonalds!

Revan: (sighs) Everbody can open one present.

(The whole crew minus Revan and RGN dash for the presents and subsequently end up in a big confused jumble on the floor.)

Revan: So RGN, what’s the deal with Atton?

RGN: Oh, he spent the whole trip trying to sleep with me…I’m just glad he’s moved on to a new target.

(There came a scream from the pile of Christmas presents. Revan and RGN look over to see Bastila holding up a card from Atton that showed him posing in Santa boxers on the front. Inside was matching a matching set of ladies ones for her.)

Bastila: I’ll kill you Rand! (takes out lightsaber and begins chasing Atton all over the ship)

Carth: Run Atton! Run for your life!

(The whole crew stands up and starts cheering their comrades on)

Mira: Fry his ass Bastila!

Mission: Force trip her Atton!

Handmaiden: Bastila, deliver a nerve strike to the base of his neck!

HK-47: Suggestion: Atton, nothing says love like a blaster shot to the kneecaps.

(And so, on Christmas Eve the entire crew stood there in togas, drinking and cheering while watching as Bastila furiously chased Atton all over the Ebon Hawk.)

RGN: (sighs) I just love Christmas, don’t you Rev?

Revan: Yeah – it’s the best time of the year. I think our crews are going to get along nicely.

RGN: And that is the best Christmas present of all.


Okay, so it was a little stupid, but I promise to put more effort into future installments. There will be another one about Christmas Eve then maybe one about Christmas Day. After that stories will consist of practical jokes, KOTOR parodies, Mission trying to play matchmaker on the ship, and more...


12-23-2008, 08:46 PM
*LOL* Mpre installments, pretty please! I'll be extra-special good!

12-23-2008, 10:25 PM
Oh. My. Word.

Let's see, how many times did I lose it reading that? Hmm, one, two, three, four--let's just say too many times! :lol:

I eagerly await the next installment!!!!!! :D

Chevron 7 locke
12-24-2008, 12:34 AM
This the funniest thing I have ever had the pleasure of reading! I love it!

Bee Hoon
12-24-2008, 10:59 AM
Bastila: I am a jedi, thank you very much. We are a rare breed. Who else is a jedi here besides me?

(Revan, RGN, Atton, Bao Dur, Disciple, Jolee, Juhani, Mira, Visas, and Handmaiden all raise their hands):lol:

There's the occasional error, as well as some initial confusion at the beginning (where the setting snaps from the Ebon Hawk to Taris without warning). All in all, I think it achieved its purpose of being entertaining quite well:) Just remember to polish!

12-24-2008, 12:26 PM
Excellent comdey, HOP 14!!! I await the next installment!!!! POST SOON!!!

12-24-2008, 03:09 PM
Yeah, we were suddenly on Taris. Great job though, full of laughs! I like it and look forward to the next installment!


12-24-2008, 03:43 PM
Thanks for the responses guys. There will be more installments. I'm still working on the other Christmas ones but I have ideas for others:

1) Visas gets a seeing eye gizka because she keeps bumping into things.

2) Valentines Day!

3) The gang goes to the Waterworld amusement park on Manaan, but get arrested by Selkath authorities for whistling, cheering, and having fun.

Sorry for the language Bee. I'll just go put something more suitable in...


12-25-2008, 02:55 PM
Key to a great comedy: take a scene and change it only a little, but keep the plot going as close to the original as possible. Liked the words they never use in the SW universe... Prozac, girl scouts, Christmas... never hear that, so it's amusing.

I'll keep watching for the seeing-eye dog special!

01-01-2009, 08:02 PM

knight 12167
01-09-2009, 04:50 AM
this is awesome!

01-09-2009, 06:04 AM
Ha, Nice work HoP. A nice, light and enjoyable read :D
Can't wait to see more comedy installments from you.

01-17-2009, 01:15 AM
It's ridiculous that I didn't read this earlier!

Anyway, great job! I lol'd for a while/

01-17-2009, 01:42 PM
Carth and Bastila- *insert feet in mouths--all the way up to the kneecaps*

Yay! Two of my most-hated characters slammed!

I love you, HOP.