View Full Version : [Fic] The Split

02-10-2009, 02:34 PM
The Split:
By. Kyvios


The rain poured heavily out of the Dantooine sky. Tej Reyes stood there, looking down at the cliffs edge as his robes became more drenched from the rain. Through his mind echoed the screams of the man he killed, the man he threw down this very cliff. The rain ran over his eyes, his hair gripping to his skin tightly, but still he stood there not moving a single muscle. Tej felt the build-up of rain upon his body as it slides down his face, and hands. He could almost imagine those single drops falling from his body and hitting the ground in a single spectacular splash. In his mind he knew he has just committed an act that was so unforgivable, so heart-breaking that he could never go back to how everything was before. He had just killed his best friend another Jedi Apprentice.

Tej continued to stand there looking over the edge, hoping maybe the force saved his friend. But he knew better, he felt life abandon his friend, leaving him down there for creatures to tear away at his flesh, devouring the remains of the man he called friend. Tej’s eyes were so empty, his light destroyed, and he felt his heart spiral downwards in a pit of oblivion inside his own chest, the feeling of his very existence coming to an end. Taking a few steps back away from the cliff he turned around and walked heavily upon the damp ground, each step making a splash, pushing up mud as his weight pressed against the ground.

Out of the corner of his eyes he spotted a cave, he knew he couldn’t return to the Jedi Enclave, he knew he would no longer be welcomed. If they haven’t already, they would sense the crime his has committed as soon as he entered the enclave. As he walked inside the cave he noticed that it was dry, he continued to walk deeper and deeper pushing water out of his boots with every step drops of water still falling from his face hitting the rock floor creating its spectacular splash in his mind. Tej stopped walking when his legs gave out from underneath him, he sat there upon his knees looking at the cold rock floor feeling alone, and empty.

“You did what needed to be done, why are you regretting it Tej?”

Tej’s eyes grew wider he looked around in a panic searching his body for his lightsaber. He couldn’t find the voice or his saber. He remembered what happened to his lightsaber, after he killed his friend he threw it down the cliff, but that voice where did it come from. Then he heard the voice laugh, it didn’t sound like it echoed off the cave walls but it echoed inside his own head.

“Who are you?” Tej asked

He felt as if he could feel the voice smile a menacing smile “I am you Tej, the part you chose to ignore for so long. So tell me how did it feel, to strip our friend of life? How did it make us feel?”

He didn’t understand what the voice wanted from him, of course it made him sad, it brought him great pain to know what he had done. But then he thought about it, did it really hurt him? Was it at all painful to him? Tej shook his head quickly placing his palms over his ears holding his ears tightly.

“No, no. What I did was wrong. He was my friend of course I’m hurting.”

Again he heard the voice laugh at him, he felt like it was taunting him making him split in two. Tej slowly closed his eyes and began to meditate to shut out the voice. Tej traveled to the depths of his own mind and there something grabbed him, and dragged him into the darkness to face a reflection of himself. But this reflection was different, his reflection dressed in black robes, his eyes showed nothing but the desire to kill and destroy, Tej could feel the dark side flow from his body.

“What…? What is this?” Tej said in shock

“It’s our mind, what do you think it is?” His reflection said as he took steps forward.

Then Tej saw a flash of what had happened earlier. It started out innocently enough, a simple sparing exercise with his friend. His friend however grew more into it, his blows became more dangerous and erratic. Tej saw the hate his friend harbored for him. He saw that his friend wanted him dead, but not just dead erased from existence.

“Why are you doing this, Sitka?” Tej asked him as he kept defending himself from the onslaught.

“Why…why…why is it always you? You…you took her from me!” Sitka said angrily.

“Took who? Who are you talking about?”

“Do you know what I had to do, so she’d see…”Sitka broke off, tears streaming down his face “Her family, all dead. I took them, but still even when I was right there she’d only ask to talk to you.”

Sitka launched another waves of blows upon Tej. For a moment he had no idea who Sitka was talking about, the only thing on his mind was that his friend was falling to the dark side and he had to save him. Then it hit Tej like dewbacks’ tail slamming into him “Varina… you killed her family…”

“And your friend confessed to everything didn’t he. Every horrible thing he did upon that poor innocent girl.” Tej’s other half said smiling.

The memory faded, and Kota returned to face his darker half. “He didn’t need to die. The Jedi Council would have passed judgment upon him.”

Tej’s reflection laughed at him “Do you honestly believe they’d imprison him, no I know you don’t. I see it in your eyes. They would have let him go, to continue his torture upon her.”

“They… they would of…” Tej couldn’t bring himself to finish, his certainty and faith in the council was wavering. His belief in what he stood for was falling. Sitka had told Tej everything, everything he did to Varina, and for what to show some kind of sick and demented love for her. Tej striked back at Sitka fully enraged and disgusted by his friends’ actions. The thought of what Sitka did still made Tej feel sick, disgusted with himself for ever calling Sitka a friend.

“Just give into your anger, your rage. That disgust you feel for fowl beings like Sitka. Your actions would be just, righteous. People would praise your name, and call you a savior.” His reflection said, placing its hands upon his shoulders.
Tej felt himself falling deeper into a hole that was inside him. It felt like something was dragging him further within himself, creating something new, something more powerful and exciting. He looked down upon his hands, he thought for a second that they were fading, erasing completely but he knew that was impossible. But doubt filled his mind, his failure to control himself against Sitka then he remembered his promise to Varina, his promise to always be there for her. Not only doubt in the council filled his mind, and his failure to control his emotions against his friend but also his failure to keep his promise. The doubt about himself grew with in him.

- - - - - - - -

Tej opened his eyes, and smiled hearing the rain had subsided. Slowly he looked down upon his hands and his smile grew bigger. Finally he felt free from being ordered by the Jedi Council, free to do as he pleased. No longer was he restricted by rules, or disciplines. Slowly Tej rose to his feet and walked out of the cave. Outside of the cave was so bright he used his arms to block the brilliance of the light surrounding him, he laughed at the irony of the light shining upon him. The air seemed crisp and clean so new like it always does after the rainfall.
“Tej! Tej!” he heard a distance female voice say.

He looked to see Varina running towards him. Her dark brown hair flowing behind her as she raced towards him, her shimmering green eyes fixed upon him, showing him the falseness of love and affection. She stopped in front of him, looking into his eyes and noticed something was different. As she took a few steps away from him, he smiled at her reaching out a hand towards her.

“Don’t worry Varina, Sitka can’t hurt you any longer.” He said to her as he gently placed his fingers upon her cheek. Her skin felt so soft upon his course fingers. She seemed so fragile, so delicate in his eyes that it made something stir with in him. Stay hidden you pathetic Jedi weakling… you had your turn… now It’s mine, he said inside his own mind making the feeling fade.

“Your… you’re not… Tej” Varina said frightened.

Tej lowered his head making a shadow cover his eyes, making it so she could always see the wide smile he bore upon his face. Delicately he slides his fingers down her cheek to her neck, her skin still feeling so soft. Quickly he placed his hand upon her throat and squeezed tightly, looking into her frightened eyes, taking in the moment of causing fear, and pain upon another person.

“But I am Tej. I am every feeling he locked away. Every emotion he denied himself to feel. I am his sadness, his anger, his madness, his love, and fear. And when he finally broke, he felt everything all at once… everything.” He kept his eyes fixed upon hers, seeing them grow wider with fear. Something inside him wouldn’t allow him to kill the girl, at least not yet.
Tej threw her to the ground and walked passed her not glancing back at her once. His destination was to return to the Jedi Enclave, return and destroy. In the distance he could hear Varina faintly call out to him, but he would not listen. Tej could sense that she was too weak to pursue him, which is what he wanted, deep down he didn’t want her to keep seeing what destruction he was about to bring.

- - - - - -

On top of the cave watching Tej from a distance were two dark Jedi, one sitting on the ground one leg folded under the other, his arm resting on his knee. The other stood like a statue his gaze never leaving Tej’s figure. They watched him with hidden excitement, a new hopeful for the Sith order, and if they could get Tej to join their ranks, it would be another stone removed from the Jedi Orders wall.

“Should we go after him now, master?” asked the Dark Jedi sitting on the ground looking up at his master.

The masters’ gaze stayed with Tej as he threw Varina to the ground and walked passed her. Shaking his head he simply said “Not yet. Let’s watch for now.”

02-24-2009, 05:16 PM
Nice work with this one. The inner battle was portrayed nicely and the ending was interesting as well, left me wondering about the true outcome of that inner battle and not to mention the identities of the two Dark Jedi. The only bad thing I can name are some typos.

02-24-2009, 05:28 PM
Yea, I noticed them after I submitted it, hehe.

But I'm working on the continue of the story, for the CEC in case anyone is curious about the outcome.

Bee Hoon
02-25-2009, 02:19 AM
Hey, there welcome to the forums and to the CEC in particular! :D

There quite a few minor mistakes here and there--grammar, spelling, punctuation, and some word usage ones which I have pointed out below. As mach, the resident critic always says, polish, polish, then do it again :p

In his mind he knew he has just committed an act that was so unforgiveable, so heart breaking that he could never go back to how everything was before, he had just killed his best friend.
A few minor errors, e.g. unforgivable, heart-breaking. I suggest that you split "he had just killed his best friend" to a separate sentence for maximum impact :p

His eyes were so empty, his light destroyed, and he felt his heart spiral downwards in a pit of oblivion inside his own chest, the feeling of his very existence coming to an end.A bit confusing, as I think the first part refers to the friend, while the second part refers to the main character? Clarifying this would be good.

the unforgivable treachery he bestowed upon himself.A bit inaccurate in terms of word usage--you might want to rephrase :)

Kota traveled the inures of his mind in·ure also en·ure (n-yr)
tr.v. in·ured, in·ur·ing, in·ures
To habituate to something undesirable, especially by prolonged subjection; accustom: "Though the food became no more palatable, he soon became sufficiently inured to it" John Barth.

Her brunette hair flowing behind her

bru·nette (br-nt)
Having dark or brown hair.
A girl or woman with dark or brown hair.

These are very minor errors, but excuse how nitpicky I am :X It's a bad habit!

All in all, it plays out quite well--you explained it nicely. I especially like this part->
“But I am Kota. I am every feeling he locked away. Every emotion he denied himself to feel. I am his sadness, his anger, his madness, his love, and fear. And when he finally broke, he felt everything all at once… everything.”

I don't know whether or not this is your first fanfic, but iirc, this is your first entry here. It's a great attempt:) I'd love to see more fics from you, just remember to proofread and have fun writing!

02-25-2009, 06:51 AM
That's actually a lot less then I had thought. :)

Normally and yea I know this sounds kinda silly, but I have a friend help me with the proof reading error stuff. Because a lot of times I don't see it, or something makes sense to me that may not make sense to someone else.

But thanks for the help Hoon.

02-25-2009, 09:38 AM
I hope it's not silly, 'cuz that's how I get my stuff proofread! :lol:

As Bee said, welcome to the forums! :xp: I liked your fic, except for one minor thing--the name of the main character. When I started reading it, I saw the name 'Kota', and I figured it'd be about the 'Kota' in the Force Unleashed game. :lol: I was a little confused for a while, hehe.

All in all, very nice work! :)

02-26-2009, 09:49 AM
I've done some minor changes to this. And also I've continued the story. Now all I need to do is wait for the contest to be over so I don't risk being disqualified.

And ever if i get told I can post it in the CEC, i probably won't till after. I'm not a big risk taker.

Bee Hoon
02-27-2009, 09:08 AM
Well, you won't be able to edit the fic while it's still in Javyar's :) After the contest ends, a moderator will move it to the main CEC, where you can then edit the post to reflect your revisions and post subsequent installments :)

03-04-2009, 10:53 AM
To echo Bee, welcome to the boards :) I can't point anything out that hasn't been already, but I can say that I did enjoy the story. I really liked the way you portrayed the internal strife between Kota and his darker self.

His turning on Varina seemed very Anakinesque to me. Not that it's a bad thing, just an observation.

I look forward to seeing more from you.

03-07-2009, 08:51 AM
I posted the Revision to the story. If people want to see the continuation. Let me know and I'll post it.

04-16-2009, 03:07 PM