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LordRevan999
02-12-2009, 12:59 PM
Guys,I want to give a small poetry for our school magazine.And the limit is 3 to 5 stanzas.So I just made this little poem.I was in really hurry in making this and Sabretooth directed me here so that I can see what people think about this.I need to get some urgent replies because I have only 4 more days left to submit it.

Am I Already Dead?

How sad am I to think I am dead?
Why life is turning out to be a threat?
Tears falling with nothing said,
What about "where did my luck go in the end?"

No care for the feelings of one such as mine,
For the sake of pleasure of those who shine,
The sky looks so dark like no moon in the night,
What matters if I don’t see a single sunshine?

Weeping on my fate everyday,
Thinking to die in an old fashion way,
A thought of those who need me the most,
I ask myself, am I already dead?

Sabretooth
02-12-2009, 09:22 PM
I've already told you what I think, which is that it was a fine poem, and very lucid at that. It's also very Eastern-themed, almost Sufi in style, as opposed to the Western flavoured poetry that's generally around.

Canderis
02-12-2009, 10:34 PM
Doesn't it seem a little depressing?

LordRevan999
02-13-2009, 08:57 AM
@Canderis:Yes it is a sad poetry Canderis(you forgot I am a very depressed person).

@Sabretooth:I didn't know my poetry was an influence of Sufi style because I was influenced by Meer Taqi Meer and Nasir Kazmi.

So do you guys think I should submit this poem or not?


EDIT:
Just thought I should try to write another one.And here it is another poem.I really need to know if I should submit one or both of these poems.

Ashes of my life

Far from the ashes of my life,
There was a time when all was right,
A man once living now barely alive,
What happened in that fire of life?

For futureís sake I am asked to live,
But why my thoughts differs from my will,
If all that I am is a useless being,
Then why am I let to live at all?

I want to sleep the endless sleep,
Tired of being in an ocean of sorrow so deep,
I wish for once I had succeed,
While fighting for hope in the battle of beliefs

LordOfTheFish
02-23-2009, 10:37 PM
Well done, LordRevan999, well done. I hope the readers of your school newspaper liked it.

Rabish Bini
02-25-2009, 02:42 AM
Am I Already Dead?

How sad am I to think I am dead?
Why life is turning out to be a threat?
Tears falling with nothing said,
What about "where did my luck go in the end?"

No care for the feelings of one such as mine,
For the sake of pleasure of those who shine,
The sky looks so dark like no moon in the night,
What matters if I donít see a single sunshine?

Weeping on my fate everyday,
Thinking to die in an old fashion way,
A thought of those who need me the most,
I ask myself, am I already dead?
Very nice, although where you say "What matters if I don't see a single sunshine", I think sunlight would go better with night, or it could be something like, "What matters if don't see some sunlight", just a suggestion.
Also, the very last word of the last line seems a bit out of place, but that's just me :)
Ashes of my life

Far from the ashes of my life,
There was a time when all was right,
A man once living now barely alive,
What happened in that fire of life?
What does "What happened in that fire of life?" mean?
For futureís sake I am asked to live,
But why my thoughts differs from my will,
If all that I am is a useless being,
Then why am I let to live at all?
Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, but when all other sentences do, it's best to keep it that way, unlike that alst line. Just a thought...
I want to sleep the endless sleep,
Tired of being in an ocean of sorrow so deep,
Drop the "of sorrow" bit, or alter that second line altogether, it's a tad long and doesn't flow too well.
I wish for once I had succeed,
While fighting for hope in the battle of beliefs
"I wish for once I had succeed?" I don't know if English is your first language or not, but that line doesn't seem to make much sense to me :/ Maybe something along the lines of "I wish for once i had succeeded"?

All in all, it was fairly good, although it could have been better. Just remember, you don't have top take my advice :xp:
Just so you know, I liked the first one better ;)