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Admiral_Thrawn
02-19-2009, 03:08 PM
Prologue: Upon the shores of an isle, whose name was lost to the ages, beat a fierce crimson tide. Any meeting upon the isle only resulted in another corpse being added to the massacre. Once the isle was a peaceful place, a place of tranquility and freedom. Then blades were drawn, blasters were loaded and blood was shed.

Chapter 1: First Blood
Today was the dawn of a new age for the isle of Peralu, an age of blood. Everyone knew that today there would be chaos, there would be death. Blades had been sharpened and war was upon this isle. The enemy? Anyone within sight.

Sun rose upon the horizon, bathing the isle in a scarlet light. Herashu knew it was too late . . . for alot of things. He emerged into the central plaza, awaiting any who would dare incite a battle with him.

Through the visor of his helmet he saw one approach. This enemy was clad in Red armor, with a Blue cloak trailing behind. Upon reaching the edge of the plaza he halted and drew off his cloak, casting it aside. Herashu followed suit and then both drew their weapon of choice. Herashu's was a notched-azure blade, with fearsome inscriptions written in a tongue long lost to his kind.

His opponent however drew a great longsword, covered in a green fluid that could only be Miraka poison. One dose of the substance was enough to render any species dead within moments.

Herashu's armor was a midnight ebony, complemented by vicious spikes and haunting images. Herashu walked forward, as did his foe until they were in the center of the plaza. Both held forward their blades, then brought them up to connect. Herashu feigned a swipe at his opponents leg, then jabbed at his shoulder, followed by another feign swipe at the neck. His opponent was knocked back by this onslaught but was not to lose so easily.

The Red charged forward, hoping to sieze victory with a decisive jab, but Herashu was not such a fool as to expose himself to the enemies greater range and crouched beneath the jab. A swift uppercut once again tilted the balance in Herashu's favour, connecting with his foes jaw, effectively cutting off half of the lower section. Blood spattered Herashu's helmet and he watched with satisfaction as his opponents life-fluids poured from the gaping wound. His foe struck back anew, with incredible force and speed.

Though such a wound caused him great pain, he would not give Herashu the satisfaction of showing it. After being battered by such a relentless array of attacks Herashu's wrist gave way, twisting at a impossible angle. He roared with agony but fought on, only to recieve a cut to his shoulder. Even as he felt the fatal fluids connect with his bloodstream he refused to give in.

Both foes fought on, whilst their wounds caused them great pain and slowly killed them. Herashu swung his blade from a diagonal angle, throwing his opponents sword to the floor. He threw his blade aside and dived at the crimson-clad warrior, pummeling him with his fists. The foe would not relent and returned the blows almost before they even landed. Herashu drew a knife and slit open his opponents chest in several places, before dropping the knife and ripping at him with his nails.

A few moments later and the skirmish was at a end as the poison overcame Herashu. His foe fared no better, dying from the excessive wounds he had recieved. On a nearby rooftop Jerlaya, Herashu's sister, watched her brothers fate. She fell to her knees and buried her head in her hands, weeping over her brothers death. This seemed so pointless to her, so foolish and trivial a cause . . .

Why would all forsake intelligence and all bonds of friendship simply to slaughter one another? She did not know, she did not know . . .

Even as the closest of friends drew their blades in a effort to deny the other life, even as family forsook one another, turning a happy occasion into a massacre. By next dawn the isle was painted red, bodies littered the ground and pathways. Jerlaya was at the coast, staring at the now crimson-waters of the sea. She had so little to live for . . . so little . . .

The survivors of the massacre were the ones unaffected by whatever vertigo struck the others, madness had overcame them and drove them to impossible acts of slaughter. They would pick up the pieces and uncover the truth. But at what cost . . . ?

For the Crimson Tide had come . . .

Chapter 2: Moonlight's Truth
Jerlaya had always known her brother would die a death in combat, she just could not predict when . . . more importantly why. Slowly but surely the populance was corrupted, each and every soul. Jerlaya and a select few had managed to cast aside the corruption, before it ensnared them. Madness was unleashed by the victims, upon each other.

The Mandalorian warrior-traditions had made it no easier to prevent such a conflict, as their actions were supposedly fueled by "honour". Whatever foul magicks had been unleashed upon this place were now defunct, as the wildlife slowly recovered. But charred bone and ash still littered the isle and blood still ran from the land to the sea. The devastation had left the isolationist Clan Murdo with little resources and few people.

Those who had cast aside the madness paid dearly for it, as the dark magics wreaked havock unto those few people. The magic made them weak of heart, weak of soul and devoid of strength.

Most of the survivors now lived a futile existance, rumaging amongst the ruins and seeking out shelter from the harsh storms of the ocean. Corpses and debris now filled the bulk of the island, leaving a eery darkness about them. But Jerlaya remained strong of will and sought to unite the survivors and rebuild the devestated capital of the isle. Many replied with muffled cries of sorrow, remembering the fateful day they lost everything.

Others accussed her of madness, when clearly it was they who were mad. It seemed that the magicks began to return, afflicting its lost victims minds, haunting them. Jerlaya and a few managed to resist, but once again they were the minority. Jerlaya's band fled the mainland, instead taking a small speeder across the water to a nearby isle. They then established a camp, inside the cliff-face of the southern coast. But they were not to live in peace.

After a few days they were forced to move their camp, as the cave was showing signs of instability. They were fortunate to have noticed, as two days later the cave collapsed. The forests of this isle were different to the ones of their homeland, more like jungles . . . and the creatures in the place were no better. They attacked at nightfall of the seventh day upon this new isle, driving the small band to the coast. The creatures, Acklay as they were called, were relentless, bleeding the company dry of able-bodied soldiers.

Jerlaya was considered beatiful amongst her kind, with shoulder length, golden hair and stunning blue eyes. Her features were smooth and delicate and her personality matched her looks. She was always kind, always willing to put herself at risk to help others. She was also skilled with a blade and deadly with a blaster. Sharp eyes and a agile body made her a cunning warrior and a formidable opponent.

She was force sensitive, but shunned such a ability as her race was not permitted into the order . . . not in these times. Well . . . now she did not know. Due to the nature of her Clan she knew very little of the outside worlds, of the outside events.

There was one thing that her sensitivity permitted her to sense, one thing of great and dark power. She did not know who--what it was . . . she hoped she would never have to find out. But she could not shake the feeling that it was related to the events on her home-land. Even as she silently contemplated this in a dark corner of the foliage in which their camp was concealed a great sense of dread overcame her. She walked over to the water and once again stared long and hard at her reflection. Only this time she seemed . . . different. Half her face was covered by darkness and this side competed with the other, vying for dominance over the image. She reached out to touch the image, but the pulsing waves reminded her it was only that. A image . . . nothing more. She turned away and retired to her tent.

CommanderQ
02-19-2009, 03:24 PM
Very good first chapter, Admiral Thrawn. Welcome to the CEC!:D Very good job, I have a few bits of advice, but no grammatical corrections, yet.

So, I thought your characters were quite interesting, but I don't quite understand them as well, perhaps detailing their personality a bit, you provided alot of physical descriptions though, especially with the armor!

Aside from character personality, I couldn't quite understand the character's heritage or planet. Are they Mandalorian, Kaleesh, Wookiee??:D But besides that, I found your story quite excellent. Good work, Thrawn!:D I look forward to the next chapter!:D

machievelli
02-19-2009, 04:04 PM
read

Admiral_Thrawn
02-20-2009, 05:49 AM
Very good first chapter, Admiral Thrawn. Welcome to the CEC!:D Very good job, I have a few bits of advice, but no grammatical corrections, yet.

So, I thought your characters were quite interesting, but I don't quite understand them as well, perhaps detailing their personality a bit, you provided alot of physical descriptions though, especially with the armor!

Aside from character personality, I couldn't quite understand the character's heritage or planet. Are they Mandalorian, Kaleesh, Wookiee??:D But besides that, I found your story quite excellent. Good work, Thrawn!:D I look forward to the next chapter!:D

Thanks CQ, as for the personality issue that chapter is intended only to introduce the main character, as well as background the history of the isle. Race, planet and heritage will be detailed later, heritage probaly alot later. Dont wanna give it away too early now. :)

I was abit lazy on physical descriptions actually :xp: I only gave a vague description because if I said more I'd give away their race (Major Clue Here)

And a Wookie in armor? ^^ Sounds like you took that Wookie Spy comment waaaay too seriously. :D

All in all this chapter was basically just to give some basic details and each chapter will add in more pieces of the puzzle. Yeh, I write stories like that. I dont know why . . .

LordOfTheFish
02-20-2009, 04:12 PM
Wow, this is a great story, I like it a lot.

I have 1 things to mention.

This is not really a correction, more of a suggestion/opinion that you may disagree with.

The only thing I had a problem with was that the story didn't feel like it comes from the SW universe at all. Perhaps you should mention a few things that indicate that this is a SW story, like a date and a planet the chapter takes place on. I just kept getting this weird futuristic elven battle on earth for some weir reason... :confussed:

But other that I loved it. :)

I do look forward to the next chapter, so please. Post it soon!


PS: I'm sorry if everything that I mentioned above sounded retarded. :xp:

Admiral_Thrawn
02-21-2009, 03:22 AM
Thanks fish and as I said before I'll include other details later. But it is in the Star Wars universe and as a hint to anyone whos played Kotor (Well considering this is a Kotor forum . . .)

The race is warlike, has clans, almost conquered the galaxy (Damn, gave it away there ^^) and has a signature armor. Oh and I like the >>>BASILISK<<< from Harry Potter too, I swear it looks like a >>>DROID<<< though. :D

I cant help but think that the second chapter sorta ruins it . . . what do you guys think? Is the second chapter okay or . . .?

LordOfTheFish
02-21-2009, 02:51 PM
I thought the 2nd chapter was good, but a little short. It was just a bit plain, if you know what I mean. But I know sometimes you have to make chapters like this to be able to explain further ones.

A word of advice, though. Put each chapter in a different post. I wouldn't have know you even added more if I hadn't read your above post.

-Fish-

Admiral_Thrawn
02-21-2009, 04:06 PM
Well I had to advance the plot, explain the character and give descriptionss. But yeh, I see your point loud and clear.

LordOfTheFish
02-21-2009, 08:11 PM
Oh, that's fine then.

Admiral_Thrawn
02-22-2009, 08:15 AM
Hmm . . . I dunno what to theme the third chapter. Violence or developement? :)

LordOfTheFish
02-22-2009, 07:49 PM
Development. There was enough violence in the first chapter

SkywalkerRules
02-24-2009, 11:56 AM
Development for me too. Great job, Thrawn! Can't wait to see the 3rd chapter. :)

Admiral_Thrawn
02-25-2009, 11:16 AM
I doubt I can do a third chapter, I'm just finding it too hard to post anything. I'll probaly just stop posting fics altogether, its just not something I'm good at I guess.

LordOfTheFish
02-25-2009, 12:37 PM
Please don't stop. I like this story a lot, it's real interesting.

CommanderQ
02-25-2009, 12:42 PM
I doubt I can do a third chapter, I'm just finding it too hard to post anything. I'll probaly just stop posting fics altogether, its just not something I'm good at I guess.


Come! Come! Thrawn! Don't talk like that! Just because you don't think you're good doesn't mean you should stop entirely. In fact, if anything, it should drive you to make more fics. Your story is very good, and you can only get better with experience! I'm enjoying it, and so are many others, so, don't give up!

Admiral_Thrawn
02-25-2009, 01:12 PM
Well maybe I'll post later. I just cant think of anything to post right now.

SkywalkerRules
02-25-2009, 01:30 PM
Well maybe I'll post later. I just cant think of anything to post right now.

Everyone has imaginations! Heck, I know I do! But never give up. I believe you can write good fanfics. I love this one you did too. :)

Admiral_Thrawn
02-25-2009, 01:46 PM
[Sarcasm begins here] Yeh well everyone loves it cus I typed it, durr, its just I, being my awesome self, am not content with the work. [Sarcasm ends here]

LordOfTheFish
02-25-2009, 05:13 PM
Don't worry about posting new chapters a lot. Some people come back to old stories they started 6 months ago.

Darth_Yuthura
02-25-2009, 05:36 PM
I must say I'm impressed. The description was excellent and the plot leaving much to the imagination, but it grabbed my attention. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Bee Hoon
02-26-2009, 02:39 AM
Ease up on the spam. Either post chapters, news (to a certain extent) and feedback. Use profile messages for anything else ;)